melrich

I'd have said less than that, closer to 3 months (that is assuming he is not being who he is from the start).

I think most people can carry off being the person they think you wnat them to be for about 3 months but any longer and the cracks start to appear.

In his case it may just be the stress of the job thing though.

This is the third thread you have started in a month asking basically exactly the same thing.

Every time you get the response from everyone that it is normal. Why do you keep asking the same question?

Do you sincerely believe that this relationship is not severely disfunctional?

No I don't believe it is dysfunctional. I think if you go back to the first post, the OP clearly describes it as the best relationship he's been in, that he's in love and that even his circle of friends think it is a great relationship. But he notes that she has been immature in the past. That to me is not dysfunctional. It means like any relationship it needs work. That is no guarrantee it will ultimately work but is it unsalvagable......not to me it isn't.

I think what has happened here is that the immediate responses to what she did were highly critical of her (understandable) and through the course of this thread, that image has been built that she is this ogre who has shown no regards for his feelings.

What I think has actually happened is these were two people in love. I think she got ahead of herself and the relationship started thinking in terms of marriage. She began to raise it with him and he rightly got concerned by this believing it was too early.

She has been building a mindset that this was headed to marriage. When she got teh letter from him all she read was "I don't want to marry you". Wrong I know.

Things blew up from there. The only thing she has done wrong in my opinion was to think that this relationship was more advanced than it was and to respond badly when she was told where he was at.

At that point, they should have gotten face to face and talked this through. I don't believe he should have blocked her out. What if that crying message she left was her calling to apologise, to say she understood where he was coming from in retrospect. It may not have been but I come back to the point that you don't just deliberately ignore the person you love and allow them to stew...no matter which way things are going to work out.

The best piece of advice about relationship conflict I have ever had, bar none, is "don't go to bed with angry with each other".

Translated, don't let conflicts or misunderstandings fester. They generally only get worse with time.

That's cool...there's not much else we could say.

I guess you know it's a recipe for disaster. Avoid him where you can and don't ever allow yourself to be in a situation where you are alone with each other.

If your marriage is not working focus on that and make your goal be to get that sorted one way or the other.

Yeah I certainly would be avoiding legal action at all cost. Again I think given you are the one who is most motivated to get this place sold I think you are going to have to suck it up and do most of the work/initiating.

It is going to pay you to keep her on side despite the fact that you feel you are doing everything simply because she can make it very difficult for you if she wants to. Re. the painting, get a couple of quotes and present them to her. When faced with something on paper surely she will be rational enough to agree the job has to be done.

I am not sure how realtors work there but here they do all the house inspections on your behalf. Maybe that could be arranged.

At the end of the day, no matter how unfair the situation sees to you it is going to be in your best interests that things do not get out of hand and you are forced to resort to legal action.

How the hell do I get her butt in gear on this house?!

You probably can't. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that it is going to be up to you to do. If it requires major work, keep a log of your hours and charge her what is a fair hourly rate at settlement.

I take it these "illegals" are all of the one race/culture?

If your antagonism is against people who can't speak english, I'm not sure that is racial antagonsim, it's probably classed as something else.

If you antagonism is against these illegals (who are all of one race?) and you are not discriminatory about that antagonsim then it is racially based.

A doc won't help as this isn't something medically wrong.

How do we know that. The OP seems to say she's not seen a medical professional about this. There are medications which can potentially be tried to increase libido. If the issue is not physiological there are other therapies available.

No kind of medicine can cure someone who isn't emotionally attracted to you anymore.

I agree with this but emotional attachment doesn't seem to be an issue here. The OP says everything else about the relationship is perfect and that she would be devastated if the relationship ended, which suggests strong emotional attachment.

He is into those type of things.

__________________

LOL...most guys are!

Initially we basically both advised our friends to let us know when we were going to both be invited to the same things. That worked well for about 3 months, our friends sort of asked us along in turns. After 3 months we started to see more of each other so our friends started inviting us both to the same things again.

Not to give you my dirty work (which I am), but how can I phrase it to her?

Oh God...that is hard and I hesitate to put words in your mouth. The main thing I'd say is avoid black and white statements. Maybe something along the lines of,

"I know we've talked about this in the past but I'm not sure you understand how big an issue this is for me. I am really struggling with thinking about us in the long term knowing that this is potentially how my sex life will be for the rest of my life. It's not the fact that we don't have regular sex, it's the fact that to date you haven't been willing to explore any solutions to our problem. I really want to work through this together but if your not willing to I have some decisions I have to make."

Something along those lines may be a place to start.

"if you don't have sex with me more, I'm breaking up with you," I'd be a little upset.

I agree but that is not the message you should be giving her. As I said before, to me the problem is not that she's not having sex with you (well it is but there are obviously reasons for that) the problem is she refuses to explore any reasons for her low libido, refuses to even acknowledge it as a problem.

So the "ultimatum" is not about the fact that she won't have sex with you, it's about that fact taht she's not acknowledging that it's a problem for you and she is refusing to see if anything can be done about it.

She would also take it as an "ultimatum." That's where it's difficult for me. How do I say to her that I can't see a long term relationship without sex without basically meaning "either we start having sex, or this isn't going to workout?" (without obviously saying that second part)

Well I think you've tried everything else and frankly I just don't think she is "getting" it.

Fact is, from what you post, you guys are totally incompatable in terms of sex drive. I think she has a right to know that this is probably a deal breaker for you and then she can go about making some decisions based on that.

In a way it is an ultimatum but I don't see that she has given you much choice. She' not willing to try anything else you have suggested so where else do you go from here?

If we're not compatible...I should probably just end it, right?

Well maybe but wht I really meant was does she really know how big of an issue this is for you. For example if you sat down with her and told her that you really could not see a long term future for you two because of the sex issue, how do you think she would respond? Would she know it is that big an issue for you? Would she know it was a threat to your relationship?

is that the relationship is perfect if you don't include the sex. Then again, it can't be so perfect, can it?

I know what you are saying but sex is a pretty big thing. Especially as you say, you guys are in early 20s and imagine if you had to manage with this situation for the rest of your life.

I get that she does not see it as a problem and plenty of people do have low libido but I think the more worrying thing is her lack of acknowledgement that it's a problem for you and lack of motivation to attempt to do anything about it.

As Dako says, maybe at the end of the day you guys are not going to be compatable.

I wouldn't advocate hitting someone, mainly in the situation you were in because you never know what they may do (or pull on you).

I guess what you did was understandable but I wouldn't be making a habit of it.

mmmmm...I'm not sure. Sometimes these types can deliberately bump into you to see your reaction. If you are aggressive they back away, if you offer nothing back they assess you are an easy mark.

Is there any hint that something/anything happened in her past to make her feel this way?

It's a big problem. Even bigger if she will not acknowledge it's a problem. So I think you need to get her to acknowledge it. And that may mean something along the lines of letting her know you cannot continue the relationship whilst this issue goes unaddressed.

The second was the worst for me. I think it depends on how long you were together, how entwined your lives were.

In theory you should get better and better at coping with break ups as you experience and learn from them. But something can always come out of left field and floor you.

sex dice are dice that have words on each of the dice to do something sexual wit hyour partner

OK, cheers.

Do you want to continue the theme?

BTW, what are sex dice?

Yep, your email will work. Sounds like you guys could have a fun relationship!!

Hi RayKay,

I don't have much to add to the advice of all the others except to say don't be afraid to give each other some space if needed. I hope it all works out well for you guys.

Your feelings are normal but I think the reality is you need to forget about being friends with this girl at least in the medium term. She seems to have made it clear, for whatever reason, that she's not interested in that and your interests may be better served by staying away from her.

Often with the passage of time, people's feelings and anger mellow and reconciliation at a friendship level becomes possible.