melrich

You're blaming your husband for your unhappiness because you don't know who you are whereas he seems to be happy

Actually I don't think she is at all. In fact she is quite openly accepting responsibility for maybe not getting married for the right reason.

I don't think this is being selfish. I think Vagabond is just acknowledging some feelings and emotions she has and wants some perspective on it.

Dan,

I'm worried here mate - what are your thoughts?

I agree. This is worrying behaviour. You seem to be looking for any excuse to continue contacting her and she is clearly telling you not to.

Maybe we could add that to the list?

Yeah, add away.

No I disagree strongly.

I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing. If you are being cheated on then it is a huge issue. No question.

I am talking more about people who worry about being cheated on. In that case I am saying are they potentially worrying about being cheated on because another component of their relationship has broken down?

Now imagine what you would feel like right after coming to that thought after believing otherwise from the time you were 5 till about 30

I think nearly everyone at some point in time has the whole "soulmate" fantasy, two people as one. And it probably does happen. I am sure there have been life long relationships out there that required no effort. But it's not the norm. And I think that fantasy may be one of the reasons people fall so hard after the break up of their first "serious" relationship.

Their fantasy about how it should all work is destroyed along with the relationship.

Yes Ren, I grew up thinking that there was only 1 person in the world and that we would meet because it was fated to be that way. Embarrassing as that is now to admit....I was guilty of believing in magical thinking.

Meeting someone that you can spend the rest of your life with I think has elements of luck, sacrifice, hard work that go with the love, passion and friendship. In my experience it doesn't just happen.

Maybe you should try and encourage her to see the campus counsellors?

Are you saying here that people who suspect cheating are in denial about other problems?

No. Cheating is a reality for many people. What I am saying is that more people seem to worry about it as an issue in their relationship than the number of people whose relationships actually end because of it.

It is an easy and tangible thing to be insecure about. It's easy to hold on to issues about trust but it is not as easy to identify and express concerns about say, growing apart. So maybe there are people who know their relationship is not quite right and they divert their energy into worrying about something that is reasonably tangible rather that address the true problems in the relationship.

I'm not saying that happens but it is some sort of explantation to me as to why infidelity is such a headline issue but in my view not a major cause of relationship breakdown.

Yeah, but getting cheated on is a drastic, and dare I say relatively rare form of relationship disintegration

That's what I think. To an extent it's a bit like worrying about dying from hand grenade schrapnel whilst loading your body with luncheon meats. (maybe not quite so extreme).

Yes, honesty is learned behavior.

Yeah I am not so sure the behaviour I am describing there is dishonest. It's pretty natural when two people meet for them to gravitate toward what they have in common and maybe ignore the things that would make then an unsuitable couple or may ring some warning bells.

They get tired of no variety?

I can see this fitting into "Taking for granted". You can inject variety with someone you have been with for 5 - 10 years. But often people just take it for granted "Oh we have been doing the missionary position for 10 years now, he /she is not going to want to do things any diofferently".

I think people sometimes don't realize they have serious problems in those other areas or they dont choose to look at them till someone has cheated.

Sometimes the fear that someone will cheat on you may actually be used as a security against thinking about what is really wrong in your relationship.

Of course many people do get cheated on.

Ah, so maybe someone was dishonest with their partner about where they are at, or dishonest with themselves in some cases.

I think that happens a lot. Let's face it. When you first meet and start seeing someone you like, the chemicals are juicing your head. You say and respond to that person with body language and words that address all the things you have in common and this may obscure or push into the background some key differences that maybe you should be thinking about.

Buut you're never going to get every decision right.

Not quite the same but I remember about 9 months after the end of my marriage and I had just met my current partner thhinking "How did I get here?" It didn't seem real for a long time.

I think cheating comes after any of the things you listed are not addressed.

So don't you think you see far more posts here from people worried about cheating than you do from people who feel they are being taken for granted?

The stronger the communication is between two people, the stronger their bond, and hence their relationship will be.

And communication in that sense is verbal, physical and emotional.

says we need to figure out how the other person shows love.

I think that is really true. And you also need to figure out how the other person fights, how they re-energise, how they be happy, how they relax etc etc.

Had she communicated with me and showed me how much she cared

That's interesting. I once thought I was communicating how much I cared but I found out later that was not the message I was giving out. But that is another story.

one person is just not ready to settle down - they want to explore!

For me in making that list I probably though of that situation being under growing apart, being at different life stages (cos you sort of assume that when the relationship started they were in a similar place).

Isn't it also possible to have excellent communication and one or both decide things aren't working?

Yeah for sure. I mean just because you communicate well does not mean you are always going to maintain the passion for the relationship. But I think if you don't communicate well the relationship is likely to break down eventually almost regardless of what else it has going for it.

when someone approaches me about trying something different, I usually end up liking it.

Yeah, where I have often seen growing apart is people meeting at a stage of their lives where their focus is one thing but over time their focus shifts in different directions. Say they meet in their early 20s and it's all about partying and having fun. But by mid twenties, one of them is on to the next phase, say career building whilst the other is still in the party mode.

Yup, as cliche as it sounds, it's 100% absolutely true.

Yeah, my real intent in posting was about cheating. There are so many posts here from people with trust issues, worried about cheating etc. yet my feeling is cheating is not a major cause of break ups.

I wonder if it is those perceptions about trust and the potential for infidelity that often causes issues in communication?

Yes Ren. I'd be tempted to put growing apart at number 1. When you think about it, meeting someone and having your interests and passions evolve at the same rate and in the same direction over a long period of time has an element of luck about it.

When I was a young man over there it was not at all unusual for people to stay at home until they got married.

Would people have generally been married younger though? When my parents were married (1961) the average age for a man to be married here was 22. Now it has just nudged over 30.

Yes communication is a bit of a catch all.

But as you get older the risk of breast cancer is greater and implants make it much much harder to read mammograms. The complications of the surgery are pretty nasty too, I frankly don't want to worry if my nipples will ever regain feeling or if I'll get an infection that eats a hole in my chest.

Sure. All surgery comes with risks and anything elective could be a risk not taken. But I can understand why many women want the surgery.