melrich

Nobody is advocating a cessation in dialogue.

The gist of what has happened here is two people who are very much in love with each other have had a conflict/argument/misunderstanding. Call it what you will.

The advice, shut her out for 4 days, don't answer her calls, give her the silent treatment because that is how you will get her respect (I think that's why he's supposed to be doing it) I think is wrong.

I think she has been stupid in her response to his letter. I think she was stupid to place demands on him like that. But from there she has been making efforts to resolve the conflict. Who knows she may have been calling to apologise. We'll never know because the OP ignored her calls.

I mean come on, the woman you love calls you begging you to talk to her, crying and you decide to just let her stew for a few more days? We are not playing with teenage relationships here.

I am not advocating he apologise. I'm not advocating he take back what he said or put up with her constant hints about getting married. What I'm advocating is that he talk to her. How that could possibly be the wrong thing to do is completely beyond me.

I don't know if we'll ever hear from the OP again. But something often clicks in a person when confronted like this. I hope for his sake it does not click in her because he sounded very much in love with the girl.

That's absurd! He's not shutting her out. She was the one who originally said "Now or Sunday,"

She's calling him and asking to speak and get things resolved. Just because she initially said "now or Sunday" does not mean that it needs to be blindly stuck to. If one party wants to resolve something, get it resolved one way or the other.

What you are advocating is amazingly destructive.

That's absurd!

You have a different opinion. I had a different opinion to some in my post to this thread but I did not make derogatory comments on any of the posts I disagreed with.

Advising a couple to talk about their issue is "amazingly destructive"?

I trust my advice is neither absurd nor destructive although I respect your right to disagree with it. In which case, quote my advice and remark "I disagree".

Please accept that there will be different perspectives posted on these boards and there is no need to make derogatory comments about advice you do not agree with.

BTW. You have changed user ID since the original post?

I would never, ever have done something so horrible to my husband. I just cannot believe what's going on... he doesn't even care about our family

Try not to worry about him at the moment. He will one day receive his just desserts.

The main thing for you is to take time for yourself. I would strongly recommend you tell your family what is going on. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders and they will want to help and you need support at the moment.

This is all very new to you. You are still in a state of shock and understandably so.

The key thing is not to panic. Give yourself time to absorb things before starting to work on what to do. I know it does not seem like it now but you will get through it, your son and your babies will be OK. Somehow this will work out for you.

Is there anywhere you can stay for a night or two? Or is it possible your husband can move out for a bit? You need some space to yourself to come to terms with things.

Have you told your family? They will be anxious to support you and at the moment you need someone with you that you can talk things through with.

Well he got caught. You know what happened. There is no equivocation here, the facts speak for themselves. You should decide what you need to do based on those facts.

He wrote her an INCREDIBLY beautiful, heartfelt letter and she took a crap all over it. Why should he call her because SHE is crying for hurting him? She didn't apologize, she is shedding a few tears because he isn;t jumping at HER insistence. This isn't just about "pride" it is about respect. If she respected him she would have been MUCH more appreciative of HIS

efforts when he spilled his soul to her.

The letter was fine as we read it. She has read it another way (i'm not saying she's right in doing that but it's what she's done), she's gotten upset and reacted badly so the thing to do is shut her out?

These two HAVE NOT SPOKEN A WORD since the day this blew up. Don't you think that is a bit weird?

You don't handle conflicts by shutting people down or just resolutely sticking to your guns. Someone has to make a move to communicate and either get things sorted or end the relationship. As it is now, they have a big issue to get over.

So why is he wrong for doing as she said?

Because things are stewing and not being resolved and the whole thing is building into something far bigger than it should have been. They should have talked when this started. There should have been no letter. He should have TALKED to her. They should have stopped texting and emailing and TALKED.

Just because yesterday she said Sunday is irrelevant. She now wants to talk now. So should he if the relationship means to him what he said it did in the first post.

Talking does not mean he has to back down or apologise. On that level I agree with everyone else.

I think you are mad. You are making a mountain out of what could have been a mole hill. If you meant what you wrote in your first post TALK TO HER.

Cut the ego/macho/respect crap.

promised me a whole bunch of things ( I'll spoil you) of which I haven't seen ( I wonder if he's afraid that I just like him to get stuff from him).

What exactly do you call being spoilt?

1st date: Met at fancy restaurant, gave me a rose, paid for everything....

2nd date: Took me to dinner and a movie, paid for everything.

3rd date: Took me out for the day, ate at fancy restaurant, offered to buy me things of which I said no, thank you.

Interim: Bought presents for my kids, has come to have "dates" with me at my house because I can't go out...

has brought me: fancy desserts, 2 dozen roses (twice), fancy drinks with champagne flutes included, expensive champagne to welcome me back from a trip ( with berries), has given me cd's ( store bought and homemade).

and for christmas: gave me an expensive gift certificate to a fancy spa for a massage with all the trimmings, some lingerie and scented body butters.

Oh*!!!! and cooked me dinner once too.....it was delicious.

Why is it unhealthy exactly, do you think?

Just about anything that becomes an obsession is unhealthy. When the something is determining how you conduct your life it it has moved beyond healthy interest.

To be honest you sound like a pretty good person. I think this might be a stage of life that you are just passing through.

Stay in the US. Or come to Australia. You shouldn't place limits around your options.

Well I gave you mine. Get out of it. He's no good for you.

Well this seems to be a recurring theme with him. I don't know, I don't know how invested you are in this marriage but from the outside looking in maybe it's time to cut and run. He sounds like a serial offender and my guess is he's not going to stop, he's just going to hide it better.

Why are you still with this guy?

"God saw the light was good. So God separated the light from the darkness." Accordingly, since I do not worship God, then I must be the darkness, which is evil,

God didn't say the light was bad did he?

It's like "Peter saw the avocado amongst the lettuce and he picked it out and ate it because he loves avocado"...doesn't mean he hates lettuce. That would be an assumption?

How descriptive! What a delightful term!!

So that doubles my advice. Read him the riot act, give him a bit of time to make good and if he dooesn't or won't, leave him.

ever had her salad tossed?.

No idea what that means but if I were you I'd be giving him some ultimatums. That is a slippery slope indeed.

I have never been in a romantic relationship before

I really don't mean this to be patronising but until you have been in a relationship and dumped by someone you love it is very hard to understand the pain you can go through. For some it is so intense as to be actually physical.

I definitely don't think NC is for everyone and I do find it over prescribed. But it does work for some and I think in almost all cases, there needs to be a definitive and significant break in intensity between being in the relationship and being just friends.

I got on the computer a month ago today to find my husband has sent his picture to some one that works in another store to him...she has sent hers back...

That's hard to interpret. I mean one way of looking at it is he's been working with her a long time, phone contact etc and he just wanted to know what she looked like (I've had that experience myself).

You could also read something more sinister into it.

I also found a porn picture downloaded on the 30th of december, I had given birth that morning and he was looking at porn that night

Bad timing. Probably opportunistic (you weren't home that night). Only you can really decide how big an issue that is for you. It's not cheating. It's potentially deceptive, it's probably in most eyes disrespectful, personally I don't think it's a capital offence.

Would it be wrong or superficial for him to wanna break up for this?

I don't think so. In the same way it's not wrong for you to want to wait, it's not wrong for him to not want to wait.

I hate to see you painting yourself into this corner. You guys really need to have a long, open and honest conversation and see if you can find some common ground here.

I'm not sure that either would fit the definition of cheating but both of them are deceptive and many would regard that almost as bad.

It would really depend on the circumstances though.

There is no excuse for his behaviour but I am not sure what you can do about it. The problem seems to have gone way beyond fronting up to him and apologising.

As much as I feel sorry for you and your girlfriend, maybe it is best to leave things alone for a while. The risks seem too great.

You may call me psychopath or sociopath, that may be true as I fit the description well except for the fact that I haven't broken any laws majorly.

I don't know that it's calling you either, it is saying that may be the condition you have. The vast majority of people with those conditions don't break the law, it's just that the presentations of these conditions increase the likelihood that they will. Of course there are also degrees of such conditions and it may well be that you present only mildly, if at all.

Whatever the case may be, if these things are bothering you, despite the fact that you don't want to hear this advice, professionals can help you.