melrich

This is my first relationship, I'm 25 years old and this is my first official relationship, and I think that's playing a huge factor.

You are probably right but you are learning things about being in a relationship and about yourself everyday.

when I'm stripped to my core and I tell her what I feel (like I did in my letter) that she'll either not want to hear it or have some reaction like she did with the letter.

We just kind of dropped it and moved on.

These two things worry me because they are indicative of teh fact that you are still not TALKING at the level you should be in a relationship.

First don't ever not say what you are feeling just because you are worried about the reaction you may get. Learn new ways to say things. Hopefully with this experience you have learnt that email is not a great way to communicate delicate personal issues. Learn how to put things so they are not immediately confronting and do it face to face so your partner can see and feel the emotion of what you are telling them.

Second don't just move on from an issue without getting some sort of resolution. And that is the danger of not addressing an issue in a timely manner. Both parties just sort of "move on" and don't want to revisit the thing that caused the problem in the first place. Never go to sleep angry with each other. It's great advice. It nearly always comes back to bite you.

Relationships are tough work. They are much tougher if each of you is only giving half the story to the other.

Good luck with everything.

I think if she's copying something you say, that is unique to you, then it definitely means she likes you in a "I think your cool" sort of way. I am not sure it necessarily would mean she likes you in a "I want to date you" sort of way but it is probably a good indicator that she might.

It's generally accepted that imitation is a form a flattery.

You don't say how old you are but certainly in teenage years there is a strong desire to fit in with a group, there is a tribal element to social life.

So by copying your ways of communicating or dressing etc, the person is sort saying I think you guys are cool and I want to fit in with you.

Whether that means they are sexually attracted to you would not be so clear. I think you would be looking for other signals to support that.

then EVERYTHING you do might annoy him because he doesn't really want to be there.

This would be my immediate thought, though as Batya says, we have little context.

But I can relate to this. If I am somewhere and my mind is on being elsewhere I will get aggitated or moody about things and I have no idea why.

Again I have a feeling there is more going on on your b/fs side than he is letting on. Reading between the lines, I feel that these weekend meetings have become more of a duty for him than something he really wants to do.

I have a feeling he thinks he's in a rut but does not know how to change that. Part of his irritation may be that he subconsciously has a desire that you will change things.

I agree with the approach Batya suggested next time he gets in one of these moods, and I would use her words almost lo the letter.

From the sounds of it there is no reason why you would be considered anything other than a good catch.

If you are focussing on the online scene, I personally think that is very hit and miss and to me tends to suit the person who is willing to go on lots of dates in the hope that eventually they will go on the right one.

To me you sound like you would stand out from teh crowd far more in real life than you would online.

With your friends being mostly coupled up that also makes it difficult to meet a lot of single people through them. So maybe you need to look at expanding your social range and getting involved in something that makes you meet more single people in your age group.

I think you have to get proactive about it. Sometimes I think the whole "online" thing can be a bit lazy and we can use it to justify in our heads thatw e are getting opportunities when in reality all we are doing is sitting at a keyboard.

I can't see any pictures either but like so many others have said it is so much down to personal taste.

If you buy the diamonds independently you can then get them set in the style you like. If it turns out she doesn't like the setting it is not that expensive to get it changed.

Also be careful if you are thinking about square cut diamonds. To make that cut work you really need a much better quality diamond than say a brilliant cut. Even with a high quality diamond, a square cut will not "sparkle" as much as one with more facets. Brilliant cut is the more spectacular if you are looking for "flash".

Check out diamond prices on line. There are a number of good sites that give you the prices for "raw" diamonds and this will give you a great idea of what you SHOULD be paying.

Remember a best quality 1 carat diamond will be many times more expensive than a low quality 1 carat diamond. It's probably best to go for something in the mid range as you will get a lot more "bang for buck".

After 3 years of living together you have pretty much al the same financial and legal rights as a married couple. In NZ at least.

Same in Oz.

To the original poster. If you look around the internet long enough and hard enough you will find all sorts of theories on what may work as a contraceptive.

To be honest, I don't think these sorts of things are terribly helpful to post as they may give impressionable people ideas that may or may not have any validity and in fact may actually be harmful.

To anyone contemplating this potential method of contraception, you MUST consult a medical professional first as it is extremely unlikely that this would be a reliable method and we have no idea whether such a method may cause side-affects.

It doesn't matter if it is cheating or not. In many ways that is just semantics.

How do you feel about him having phone sex?

Very good. I hope it is not about your experience though.

In terms of finances I think you have to take the attitude of looking after Number 1. At least to the extent that you get a result that is fair to both sides.

In terms of being angry with the ex. It is a pretty natural emotion to feel in that situation. Unless the ex has actually done something wrong by you (cheated, lied, abused etc) that anger will probably fade as you realise that people have to be true to their feelings.

You don't choose. You tell them that it is their issue not yours and that you'll stay friends with both of them and hope they work out their differences between themselves.

Well I think you have got it.

if one person has in the back of his/her mind that it started out too fast or in an uncomfortable way

but that is another variable, it's not about having sex too early, it is about one person being uncomfortable with that fact or (I guess what you are saying) feeling like they were pressured into it.

I go back to the OP. His posit was that having sex early in a relationship had an impact on the longevity of the relationship. Best of my memory he didn't say when people had early sex and one of them is uncomfortable with it.

the early sex reflected a difference in values that keeps reappearing at different stages of the relationship - or, he told her, for example in the beginning that he considered this just a one night stand and this mindset continued where she got progressively more serious and he did not.

 

one or both partners had early sex because they were on the rebound and stayed in the relationship mostly because the sex was good without really getting to know each other

Yeah I would agree with both of those things but to me that is throwing in variables that make the posit not entirely about the impact of having sex early on the longevity of a relationship.

If values are skewiff or there is a rebound situation involved or the relationship is about only sex then I think all or any of those issues are going to mean the relationship will not last long.

I am just talking about all things being equal, is there a relationship between having sex early (or waiting) and the longevity of the relationship (and assuming a relationship has been entered into).

But it seems that when we're emotionally raw in a break up there seems to be a tendency to deny two people actually did enjoy each others company.

That is true but it also ignores the fact that fundamentally the dynamic between the two of you has changed.

In the past you would have done this as a carefree couple in love and that is a big difference to a couple that has just had a break up.

I'm not saying don't be friends with her if you can handle that, but to revisit things that you did as a couple to me is fraught with danger so soon after the break up.

Yeah I think it is an individual thing. And I agree if it is a weekly or monthly event it is more problematical. But a one off or on the occasion of a batchelor party or something I think it is the sort of thing that shouldn't be too big an issue.

If it is fundamentally contrary to your values then you could let him know that but I think he still has the right to make his own decision as you would have the right to make your decision around what that means.

I plan to take her to a place that we always planned to go to but never went. Its only 10 minutes away but for me it's a form of closure. I want to celebrate what we tried to create, not mope that it went pear shaped. Have a drink, sit on the roof of the car and laugh.

I can see where you got this idea. It probably sounds pretty good in your head and translates OK in theory.

But you overlay the fairly raw emotions both of you will have around this break up and I think if she agreed to do it there is a big chance things would go horribly wrong.

My opinion, it is way to early to be thinking of something like this.

This doesn't make sense since you argue the relationships are "identical" and yet there's an outside variable that's inconsistent.

No if you read the post again it says the relationships are identical in the hypothesis EXCEPT in one sex was had within days and in the other sex was had after a month or two.

So for this hypothetical, these relationships are identical.

 

Except, in relationship 1, they had sex within 3 days of meeting whereas in relationship 2 they had waited 2 months before having sex

You see I do actually agree with the OP in a sense. I think the having or not having sex can affect the potential for a relationship early days.

But once you are into a relationship, at say 6 months, a year, two years, I don't believe there is any connection between the longevity of the relationship going forward and at what stage you first had sex (assuming this is a sexual relationship).

In fact, in the 5 or 6 longish term relationships I've had, I'd actually have to think back to remember when it was in each relationship we first had sex. In my experience it is just not a faxctor in a RELATIONSHIP. I do agree it could be a factor in whether a relationship actually gets off the ground in the first place.

That is just my beliefs and my experience. There may well be a study out there that proves the opposite. It's just not my experience.

I disagree because I think sex early on can cloud judgment, cloud the issues, complicate getting to know each other for a variety of reasons and complicate a relationship when it's still new and fragile. Waiting lets the couple get to know each other - emotionally, physically - at a more reasonable pace free of those complications.

Well maybe one day someone will do a decent study and we'll have some empirical evidence one way or the other.

I can't see any connection between length of relationship and how quickly you have sex but I've been off rotation for many years so maybe the rules have changed.

Maybe because if you wait, then even when the sexual thrill/passion fades some you have a strong foundation of friendship and a strong emotional bond to fall back on and more of a motivation to reignite the spark?

Well I don't really care if you wait or not. Whatever each individual wants to do.

But lets take two hypothetical relationships. Both are at the 2 year mark. In both relationships the initial passion has waned and things are going a bit routine. They've either got to fire up or break up. So for this hypothetical, these relationships are identical.

Except, in relationship 1, they had sex within 3 days of meeting whereas in relationship 2 they had waited 2 months before having sex.

So according to the general drift of the OP or the quote above, relationship 2 actually has a better chance to survive because of that wait.

Personally I don't buy it. I wouldn't buy it at 1 year either. I just don't see the connection. You still get to know each other, get close to each other, form bonds, fall in love with each other whether you are having sex in those early days or not.

Ok, this is the line I had issue with.

It seems like the time that you spend on the early stages is somehow proportional/related to how long the relationship lasts.

LOl...yeah but how does that relate to the OP. wasn't his/her central point that the sooner you have sex the sooner a RELATIONSHIP will end?

He's not talking about dating or one night stands, he's talking about sex in a RELATIONSHIP. Or have I missed the point? Or have I just picked out one point from the OP? I better go back and read it again.

based on what you have posted, I'd advise you to leave him. Much better you son is born and nutured by you when you are a happy person than a person involved in this misery of a relationship.

You can organise appropriate access to the father, that is important, but from the sounds of it, limited access to the father is probably a good thing.

if you have sex straight away, and its great... you might keep chugging on in the relationship even if its entirely unsuitable. sex is a very strong thing... (my last "relationship" was like that... I coudlnt stand his company, except for in bed.)

 

whereas if you have a few dates, find out you dont like their personality and stop seeing him, then you will never stick around just for the sex, will you?

 

People equate a sexual compatibility with an emotional compatibility quite a lot...

OK...I sort of get that. But how does it fit in with the OPs hypothesis that the sooner you have sex the sooner your relationship is going to end?

I mean if you have sex on day 1, the sex is bad so you bail out...well you haven't really had a relationship have you (this is assuming that we make relationship decisions based on the quality of sex)

If you have sex on the 40th day and the sex is bad so you bail out, what have you achieved? You've sort of just wasted 40 days?

I don't know, I've lost myself here.

It's pretty average behaviour by her. Would you say that behaviour is typical of her? Were you surprised by her response?

If it were me, I'd also be thinking about whether or not this person was the right person for me. It just displays such a lack of consideration.

Sorry I know this is not really important

LOL...it's important to you. What a lovely thing to think about doing.

I would mail him the cookies with a note and give him the scarf when it is finished and ironed.