melrich

After a few years here and many of observing friends, my list of break up reasons in order of frequency is,

1. Communication problems

2. Growing apart

3. The relationship is taken for granted (gets stale)

4. Abuse (mental or physical)

5. Cheating

What do you think? As much as cheating is such a headline subject, my feeling is it's not a major cause of relationship break ups? Or it is often a symptom of one of the other reasons I listed.

I don't understand the women that buy the water balloons or let someone talk them into getting them. Its just laughable to me.

I think it is to many 25 year olds. After a couple of kids and cruising through the mid 30s you can begin to understand it more.

I have friends who want/have them them, so they can fill out their clothes rather than for a sexual function.

Yeah I think you did the right thing. Sometimes we are just not in a place to be in a relationship.

Melrich mate, I have stopped.

That's good to hear. I get that you probably feel like you are starting all over again but I am sure that given you have already done a lot of the hard work things will start to feel better for you soon.

I think a date on Valentines day would be a good idea.

With the gift, don't make it too major so early in the relationship. Flowers are great, I am yet to meet a woman who did not love receiving flowers and I think that would be perfectly in keeping with how long you guys have been seeing each other.

I have no intention of stalking her. Why does everyone think the worst of me

Because you say things like this,

I didn't accept that called her more than once (using a bit of manipulation).

If someone asks you not to call or make contact you have to really accept that. OK maybe in the heat of the moment you "needed" to call her. But it is important that you stop doing that now.

It's a tough situation Craig and the hardest thing to deal with is there is not much you can do about it. It sounds as if she has entered another stage of her life and that happens, especially around that age.

Hang in there and use these forums to vent when you need to.

If she is going away for a few months I guess you won't have any opportunity to see her anyway. If it's something you feel you want to do I don't see any harm in sending an email. I wouldn't put in the "My fault" part. Just wish her well on her trip.

We don't do anything for Valentine's Day. I agree with you, it is a retail exercise.

Is thing something that anybody should allow?

She's your girlfriend, not your pet. You don't have the right to allow or disallow her behaviours. You do have the right not to live with her behaviours.

and it'll probably get worse when I get a job after college and stuff

LOL...wait until you have kids!!

I couldn't respect that. Part of me may not have wanted to at that point. Part of me realized that I can only give so much as well and I had to protect my own feelings and so I pushed for an answer that she may not have wanted to have to give me (as she may not have wanted to have to break up with me that morning), which was I can't be in your life anymore.

 

What if I would have backed off again, instead of calling her again last night over and over? What if I would have continued to give her that space and shown her that I CAN and WILL respect that, showing that I can be trusted.

I agree totally with what majord said above. You have to leave her alone now. She has asked you to leave her alone and yet you still call and email her. Keep this up and you are venturing into stalking category. Stop looking for hope to hang on to. You did not push her away the other day. She knows what she wants and she has told you. You have to respect her right to make this decision and her right to some peace with it.

I am sure if you do respect her wishes now there is some good hope that you will be able to be friends sometime in the future.

What is "outercourse"?

I think in relationship break ups there is often uncertainty on both sides. The dumper will often second guess themselves and will grieve for a relationship just like the dumpee.

But there does come a moment of clarity and I think that is what she has had. These past 26 days she's probably missed the relationship, thought about maybe seeing you in person again and when she has she's realised it's not what she wants.

She will think about you differently in time because time does mellow feelings. Right now things are pretty raw and she is hurt but I would expect that to mellow. Whether she will ever want to see you again is another question. You will have both moved on by then and it may just not be an issue either of you would consider.

If it's hurting you then I think you take the approach you talked about. Let her know you are not comfortable with things and don't want to continue with the relationship you have (or at least not as it is.)

It's impossible to answer questions like this. It is the usual response, for some people it will be a high priority, for others it won;t be an issue at all and there will be people in between.

My guess is that where you are talking about christianity, nowadays not too many people would be concerned whether that meant catholic or protestant etc etc. But the differences may become bigger barriers if you are talking about muslim to christianity or hindu to muslim etc etc.

She sounds like quite a flirty type but she seems to have also made it clear to you that that is as far as it is going to go. I think you have to decide whether you can handle the interaction with her continuing as it is and never going any further.

Yes I think your responses are understandable but now that you have a clear idea of where your head is at you really need to take the lead, be fair to this person and let him know exactly where he stands.

Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind.

It sounds like it is over. You now just have to respect her wishes. It may be that sometime in the future your paths may cross but right now you just have to let her go.

When someone can admit "Can't mix the two in my eyes", shouldnt that be a warning sign?

I want to make it clear I wasn't referring to anyone here, in fact I hadn't read that comment when I posted "Madonna Complex". Just the reference to the line in the movie.

From what I understand (and you would guess by its nature) it is a psychosis that is very deep rooted and I don't think something that could be addressed by simply recognising it. And of course some women may be quite comfortable in that type of relationship anyway.

Would only telling one person about my secret be all that bad?

Not at all. All I am saying is once you tell one person it is no longer a secret. I ams ure you do trust him and I am sure he has good intentions. But he WILL tell someone else and then you don't have any control over where it goes.

So I am not saying don't tell him. I'm just saying do so when you are ready for your sexual orientation to be more widely known.

In this day and age shouldnt one be able to explore their sexual desires without being condemed as "dirty" or "slutty" for it?

Yes of course. But people who have this complex cannot help having it. It's a psychological state. I am sure they do not choose it for themselves. Most do not even know they have it, they just have the values and emotions attached.

I sympathise with you. Kids at your age are not known for their tolerance.

Only you can decide when you are ready and confident enough to come out. If you have to lie in the meantime then I don't think you should have any qualms about doing so. If you want this to remain your secret I wouldn't tell anyone right now.

What happens when the virginal wife seems too tame?

Even worse, when she is too wild!

It just seems to contribute to the notion that sex is dirty, which in turn contributes to feelings of guilt and so on and so forth.

Yes some men subconsciously view some types of sex as dirty. They cannot associate that with a person they love so their sex life with the one they love will be different to the one they fantasise about or seek elsewhere with persons they have little or no emotional attachment to. It has various degrees.