krazykikikat

As for the first paragraph... you're right. As for the second paragraph... I think I'll wait until after Valentine's day. And as for the third paragraph... I see TWO therapists. Unfortunately, with one I spend too much time deciding what medicine will make me stop tearing open the inside of my mouth, and with the other, I spend too much time talking about samurai movies and the Civil War so as to avoid being lectured on my bad grades or how many guys I love. I don't usually have trouble talking about those things, it's just, that one therapist makes me cry. ALL THE TIME. So probably what you're going to tell me next is I should get another therapist, but I like the guy, as a person... and I feel bad... eh. Anyway, that's that....

Well, I'm PRETTY sure it can't work, but if you have ANY reason why it MIGHT pleeeeeese tell me because I'm obsessed. I'm an obsessed kind of person. I get obsessed easy, and right now I'm obsessed with this girl.... But the thing is, I have a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend. We like eachother. We love our boyfriends. I'm having some issues with my boyfriend, kinda like, I love him, but I'm starting to doubt whether it's romantically. I don't know if she has issues with her boyfriend. Our personalities are totally opposite. I'm a Scorpio, she's a Gemini, which, if you don't know, means that I'm like a straightjacket and she's like a person who doesn't understand how she got stuck in a straightjacket. At least, that's probably how it'd end up if we did get together. But oh god I want to give it a shot... I really really do, because I really really like this girl, and I've never been with a girl before, and the guy I'm with now, though he's a great guy, is the kind of guy who will probably propose soon, and then I'll really be stuck with him. And I LOVE him, but I'm so confused.... So very confused, and I'm fairly certain it can't work with this girl... So what do I do? Believe it or not, I've never actually been obsessed with someone who was going out with someone else and didn't break up with their someone for me. How do I get over it when nothing even HAPPENED? What is there to even get over? I'll always be wondering! So... I guess I'm asking... either, how do I make it so something can happen between us, or how do I get over her? I really really like her though!! ](*,)

Brief overview, if you want to know more read my post "Confused..." ... I like my best girl friend, and we both have boyfriends that we love. Bit of a tough situation. And it's like, every day I want her more.... and she knows it, and she's Bi too, and she says she likes me too and feels the same. It kinda seems like she does, too. Over the past few weeks we've become closer... she calls me, and she never used to. We only used to talk online or at school. But a few minutes ago... well actually right now, but probably a few minutes ago by the time I post, we had this conversation online, because ... I was too chicken to tell her on the phone... It's really long, but OMG we've never talked this openly, it's scary, and exhilerating... krazyklassykat: god help me. Christina: hm? krazyklassykat: i'm friggin going to "eNotAlone" >_ I'm not dissing you guys!! Christina: o_O Christina: what IS that? krazyklassykat: ...relationship... advice... forum.... Christina: o_O krazyklassykat: *sigh* Christina: Do you think you might break up with Berky? krazyklassykat: no... i dunno... i've been having downright crazy thoughts, like that SOMEHOW he'd understand if i wanted to take a BREAK in which we'd see other people.... but like i said.... crazy.... it's all circumstantial... i mean at this point, there'd really be no POINT in breaking up with him... Christina: yeah Christina: Wait... why not? krazyklassykat: . . . . Christina: ...? krazyklassykat: that's not.... obvious...? Christina: ... Christina: no krazyklassykat: well.... i mean, i love him... and we're not having any problems exactly... i dont want to give him up if i have no... motivation.. i guess... incentive... to? Christina: ....? Christina: oh krazyklassykat: you... understand? Christina: no Christina: lol krazyklassykat: >______> krazyklassykat: do i have to spell it out? Christina: uhh yeah i think so. krazyklassykat: Y krazyklassykat: O krazyklassykat: U Christina: o_O Christina: Still confused.. >_ krazyklassykat: *sighhhhhh* krazyklassykat: incentive = you krazyklassykat: motivation = you krazyklassykat: REASON = you Christina: Still confused. krazyklassykat: HOW CAN YOU STILL BE CONFUSED?? O_o do you want me to like, go on a huge rant about my feelings?? Christina: uhh no? krazyklassykat: *sigh*... starting over... Christina: o_O Christina: no krazyklassykat: i don't want to take the chance of ruining a relationship with the best guy i've ever dated unless 1) he hurts me 2) i truly don't love him anymore or 3) i think i would be sufficiently better off with someone else Christina: oh Christina: okay! Christina: Well, i gotta get ready. Christina: ttyl krazyklassykat: for...?? krazyklassykat: and.. i'm still not sure.... you get it.... Christina: nope! Christina: lol Christina: im going to Will's. Christina: and i'm just getting more confuse >_ krazyklassykat: okay. krazyklassykat: *sigh* krazyklassykat: #3 = YOU Christina: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Christina: wow... Christina: yeaaahhh.......... ttyl. krazyklassykat: CHYEAH. thank you for the lovely awkwardness and cold rejection. =) Christina: I just feel really...guilty. Christina: And i'm just...ugh. krazyklassykat: yeah. i know. me too. i just.... every day, it gets..... *** Auto-response from Christina: I'm sick of always ****ing things up... Christina: i know how you feel.. krazyklassykat: er, i must ask if your away message is related to this. but even if its not, what are YOU ****ing up? Christina: I'm ****ing YOU up. Christina: I'm upsetting you. Christina: I'm screwing up your life. Christina: I don't understand what's so great about me? krazyklassykat: no you're not! krazyklassykat: well what's so great about ME? Christina: I'm ****ing ugly, fat, the worst and ugliest thing in the world and YOU like me... i just..it's just that ur so beautiful and skinny and so...un-perfect in such a perfect way that i just... krazyklassykat: okay, you're NOT ugly nor fat, and i'm not that skinny anymore! besides, it doesnt occur to you that i'm not looking for perfection, either? Christina: I just don't want you to think im rejecting you or trying to be cold... krazyklassykat: i know you're not.... krazyklassykat: it's the same situation for both of us really... Christina: It's just...gahh. I thought i was over having crushes on girls. Christina: I've had a few girlfriends and it was great. I just thought it was a phase, the phase of being all ****ed up and everything. krazyklassykat: but if it was great, how was it ****ed up? as for that, i can't say i feel the same, for me this is all new... and rather scary. Christina: I mean, even thought i'm not doing drugs, i dont remember the last time i was drunk, i don't even smoke anymore and i'm still just... a ****ed up kid. Christina: though* Christina: And i can thank my ****ing sadisitic parents for that, thanks to them that my life is so ****ed up and that i'm emotionally unstable and ugh. Christina: I'm SO angry at them. krazyklassykat: i would be too... krazyklassykat: but come on, if i thought you were that bad i wouldnt even be friends with you. Christina: And i'm so repulsed by my own self that i can't look in the mirror without wanting to THROW up. Christina: That's how ugly i think i am. Christina: If i stared to long at myself, i'd THROW UP. Christina: It's happened. Christina: I'm just...disgusting. krazyklassykat: no, you're NOT. when i look at you i dont want to throw up.... if i looked at you long enough.... i dunno... the reason i can't is cuz you look at me weird, and i feel like you can see right into my brain. or else cuz you're with will.... krazyklassykat: and lately, that just.... i get this... sinking feeling... krazyklassykat: i'm sorry. if it's anyone's fault it's mine, i'm the one who said something in the first place, and now, if i'd just kept it to myself... Christina: No no no i'm GLAD you told me though. Christina: Like, it's weird. Christina: It made me happy when you told me Christina: Like...really happy. krazyklassykat: well... i was relieved when you reciprocated... but then scared because you were mad at me for not believing you.... krazyklassykat: this is just CRAZY. i mean... berky... i love berky, but more and more i just can't stop myself thinking............. Christina: ditto with that.. Christina: krazyklassykat: you called me. for like, no reason. you never call unless it's to ask something... like about homework or harvest moon or... stuff... Christina: i didn't take you for a phone person. krazyklassykat: lol. i didnt think YOU were a phone person. i talk on the phone all the time. just it's easier with you online... Christina: lol i'm the phoniest phone person you'll ever meet krazyklassykat: phoniest? >__> uhhh-huh. krazyklassykat: anyway.... Christina: it makes sense!!! Christina: sshhh Christina: lol krazyklassykat: that time i went on a tangent... Christina: yeeeaaahhh? krazyklassykat: i dunno.... like.... our last conversation about this had more of a resolution... i thought i was happy with that.... i told myself "that's the best i can hope for, right?" well.... the thing about the human heart, it can and WILL hope for a lot more. regardless of how your mind will tell you that your hopes are going to be crushed. The "resolution" I speak of above is that if we were ever both single, we'd give it a try. Christina: yeahhh Christina: ugh. krazyklassykat: it just seems like a lose-lose situation! Christina: in a way i guess so..? krazyklassykat: and i keep repeating the circumstances in my head.... and out of habit.... when i'm caught in a lose-lose situation, i pretty much go for the choice that will make me feel better at the moment... not smart but.. yeah.... in any case, when i get to that point in my musings about this, i'm just like "but i CAN'T... do whatever feels right.... not just because i would hurt berky... " krazyklassykat: also cuz it's just.... not an option at the moment. **very very long pause** Christina: And I can't either. Christina: I can't do that to Will. Christina: He's the best boyfriend i've EVER had, and he treats me AMAZINGLY... and i just.. Christina: ugh. krazyklassykat: same with berky! i just wish i could go back in time before i met him... or... that somehow he'd like.. disappear for a while, like doesnt exist and then... god i'm so sick and selfish... Christina: Not at all. krazyklassykat: i keep having these crazy thoughts, dreams even that i can just take a break... that somehow this could.... Christina: i don't know... Christina: I think it'd hurt the surrounding people too much.. krazyklassykat: i know. i know. i tell myself that, but then i tell myself... this is hurting ME, too.... shouldnt i be free to do what makes me happy? it's not as if i'm TRYING to hurt anyone... i'm just following my heart... of course after that i go back to the hurting thing, and wonder whether i could really do it.... and then of course, i know that what i can and am willing to do is, obviously, pointless if you can't or aren't willing to do the same, and to think of asking you to makes me feel like such an awful person.... Christina: I wish i could. Christina: I DREAM that i could. krazyklassykat: that there would be a way to do this without hurting berky or will... that would be great, but... it would take a miracle. Christina: yeahh... krazyklassykat: what... are we going to do? i mean, the answer seems obvious.... it seems like there's no real choice, but.... the whole thing sort of reminds me of a part of memoirs of a geisha. the book, that is. this is probably like REALLY corny, but it reminds me of when she says this...: "It's certainly true that in coming back to Gion, I'd hoped more than anything else to find a way of spending time with the Chairman. It wasn't so much that I craved the chance to sit in the same room with him again, to lean in and whisper some comment and take in the scent of his skin. If those sort of moments would be the only pleasure life offered me, I'd be better off shutting out that one brilliant source of light to let my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness. Perhaps it was true, as it now seemed, that my life was falling toward Nobu. I wasn't so foolish as to imagine I could change the course of my destiny. But neither could I give up the last traces of hope." **ten minute pause, I begin to wonder if she's gone to Will's** krazyklassykat: *sigh*... christina? Christina: Im here sorry krazyklassykat: it's okay. getting ready? or is will there? Christina: No i was getting readyu Christina: and now i gotta go. Christina: But i'll call you later. Christina: ttyl. krazyklassykat: k... krazyklassykat: bye I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused.......

Well... after I have to physically deal with it? Yeah... I am kinda preoccupied with that... when I don't have to actually acknowledge it I get the "afterglow"... And I don't feel obligated... I feel like it's something nice to do. Like... leaving a generous tip. You're obligated to leave a tip, but your'e not obligated to pay more than... .... uh... however much you're supposed to >_

Well, it's not exactly like that. I mean... in all seriousness, am I supposed to enjoy giving him oral sex? I enjoy when he does it for ME. I just figured that all couples don't really enjoy pleasuring the other person for any other reason than the knowledge that it's pleasing to them...? Am I wrong?

Well... I think you're taking a little too much stock in my dislike of the penis. It makes me uncomfortable, but not unbearably so, and not so much that ... I dunno. I'm not uncomfortable to be sexually active. I just don't like that THING. And I wouldn't necessarily say that it hurts me. I just don't enjoy it. I just thought maybe it was unusual not to enjoy (other than the fact that I know HE'S enjoying it) doing things for him. Well that's just not true. I like being with him, I like hugging, cuddling, and I like the things he does for me... I'm not at all uncomfortable about that. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable about kissing, but I think that's mostly because I'm usually insanely self-conscious about my breath. And I don't like the distinguishing male parts... but everything else I'm okay with. More than okay, I don't mean to make it sound like it's bearable. I guess really, the male part is bearable because of everything else. Because it's him, and I love him.

Thanks. Although I keep realizing things I accidentally left out. >_ Here's another question though... do you think I should talk to HIM about it?

I'm in somewhat of the same situation. As a few before me, I have a crush on a friend, and she made me realize I was Bi. >_

Well yeah, that's true... I'm just wondering how my feelings compare to others' feelings, whether this is normal or not. And I guess another thing I forgot to mention is, while I don't like giving head, I don't actually like penetrative sex, either... I much prefer oral, for both of us.

Whoa. Well, I don't really know what to say, other than, I'm going through almost the EXACT same thing. I'd also appreciate advice from those who have posted here... But other than that... I can tell you that it's not altogether unusual. I wish I could help more. I also can't really imagine myself with any other girl but my friend... but I definitely know I'm sexually attracted to other girls. My friend jokes around like that a lot too, but I know she's Bi, and she knows I am. But we both have boyfriends. And she knows I have a crush on her. Well, perhaps more than that... which I.. kinda told her today. In any case, the joking is hard to interpret, but that may be the one thing I can help you with... see we joke about it, but I've noticed that other, straight girls don't. Well, they do sometimes, but it doesn't have the same feeling to it... With my friend, the jokes seem more like a front for hiding our true feelings. Perhaps that's the way it is with your friend? All I can say is, I've never really seen two friends joke about things like that often without having some attraction to eachother... I hope that helped a little. Well I just now read that she's out. >_

Okay... all my life I have liked guys. (I'm a girl, if I haven't yet gone to my profile to specify this...) I'm almost certain I still like guys. But about four months ago, I realized that I like girls, too. I've never dated a girl, though, nor had a definitely sexual relationship with one (My friend Christina and I grab eacbhother's boobs a lot, but we both have boyfriends). I'm 16. The thing is, that was just brought to my attention today, is that even though I like guys.... I DON'T like their... appendages. In fact, I would much prefer the female appendages, and have always wondered what it would be like to... well, no need for details on that. Now I know I'm young, and this confusion and questioning and experimenting is typical of the age group... but I am sexually active, and I kinda feel like, if penis is an acquired taste, I SHOULD be liking it by now. But I don't. I really don't. I don't think they're completely disgusting... but I do feel a slight bit of revulsion toward them, and I really don't like what comes out of them. I kind of have to force myself to do favors for my boyfriend. I do it because I know he likes it and he does the same for me, but I don't particularly enjoy it. I've read all sorts of stories about girls who LOVE giving head and stuff like that, and I've always maintained that they can't possibly be true. ...But are they? Do a lot of girls actually like that? To make matters worse, I am definitely in love with the boyfriend I have now. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. But I also have a bit of a crush on my friend Christina... I had a dream about her last night, and I think what scares me is that it wasn't at all sexual. We were at some sort of convention in an auditorium, and we were sitting next to eachother, and she fell asleep on me, and I felt... fuzzy. Warm and fuzzy. I told my boyfriend about the dream, but I led him to believe that it was sexual, because honestly, that would bother him less than the more intimate atmosphere that was actually present... I feel kinda bad, but I just think he'd consider it cheating on him if I had a crush on her... *sigh* Well, I told another good friend of mine about the dream... this friend is rather well-read in the area of sexual questioning, and she said that if I have to force myself to like penis, I might be a lesbian. She said, "Take Berky's head... and put it on Christina's body. Would you like that?" Well, apart from the freaky image, I would LOVE that. If I really think about it... say if I had a choice whether Berky, with the same personality and beliefs, was a boy or a girl... I'm not sure... but I really wouldn't mind him as a girl. In any case, there are many things that tell me I'm not a lesbian... I like guys! And, there's no reason for me to be in denial, because I have no problems with the LGBTQ community. I wouldn't mind being a lesbian at all. But... I dont' know the normal stages of coming out to onesself, so I don't know if there really is this huge denial for people, in which they think they can't possibly be gay. I think it must be different for everyone.... So basically, other than posting this, my other way of trying to solve the problem is asking all my close girl friends if they like penis, and if perhaps they didn't at first. So, give me your thoughts, and straight girls, if you have a good answer to that same question, it'd be appreciated... thanks. Oh, one last thing, I'm not sure if it matters... but I RARELY have sexual dreams about guys. Very rarely. When I do have sexual dreams, it's almost always about girls. And, I've always been something of a tomboy, and I usually quite despise the "girly-girl" look, though, as I know, you don't have to be a tomboy to be a lesbian, and vice-versa.