Dear seowcc,
I can most certainly empathize with your situation.
Let me start by saying that I may not have the answer, but, on the other hand, the feedback I have for you may guide you into how to make the best solution possible that fits your needs.
The first feeling I picked up is a general lack of communication between you and your wife while you were living together. I am sure that, that was of no intentinal doing, I think it just happens inheritently. The bottom line is that men and women see the world very different... we have different thought processes and we have different motivations, and when we assume too much on either side, we create misunderstandings and "false" ideas. What makes that yet even worse it that our own perceptions are "our" realities. (right or wrong, intentional or not) There are many books about communication and gender roles that really examine these ideas. The cheap two cent version is such:
Women generally feel the need to be care takers. That need compounded by working really is a very difficult balance because work provides validation, but work never ends. We have an office job, and come home to more work. However, because working outisde the home can often contribute to our own self worth, our work outside the home is important. When we come home, we want to talk about the things that make us feel valuable.
Balancing both home and outside work is hard. Many women feel it is there duty to do both, and do both @ 150%. Women are looking for help, support, and a listenting ear. (answers are not always needed, sometimes it really is just about venting)
Men inhertenity want to be providers. That providing though, often leads coversations from less of a peer, to more of a father.
While I cannot be 100% sure, my best educated guess is that somehow, your wife got the idea, that the thing that validates her was underminded or belittled. And if that is the case, I am sure it was not intentional.
My boyfriend and I struggle with this often... Great example:
Me: I had a really bad day at work today
He: What happened?
Me: Well this, that and the next.
He: Well do this...
Me: (thinking: he does he think he is.... I just wanted support and a hug and he providing answers because he apparently thinks he could handle things better.... I am so tired of talking to him about work... my friends/co-workers understand me better.... that's it, that's the last time I share...)
What did my boyfriend do: Nothing
What did I do: assumed things
What happened: communication broke down, I walked away mad and feeling invalidated, he walked away thinking I am glad I helped her.)
Again, I do not claim experert status, but I think you would be very surprised to learn how gender roles, assumptions and misunderstandings, can lead to un-needed heart ache.
My advise: don't repeat to her what I just shared... she doesn't want to feel like she is being examined.
Instead, try to find ways to be supportive that validate her, learn how to work around gender roles so help your communication, show her validation. A simple how is work, wow, I don't know how you do it all... may mean more then flowers.
I know its crazy, and I would love to chat more because Its hard to type all I wish to articualte.
I wish you the best of luck.... I know you adore and value your wife... communicating that is a way WOMEN understand could make a big difference.
Best of luck, if you would like to chat, please feel free to IM me.
-VKF
