Alea

"Yes, being honest and effective communicators helps of course to screen out people who aren't potential mates - but I don't think that makes those types any more successful in predicting romantic compatibility through typing and talking." This, I have to disagree with. Being honest and effective in communication is not only beneficial to building a relationship from a distance, it is essential to building any relationship intended to last. Being able to communicate on an honest, earnest level is key to romance. There isn't something magical in the physical that changes everything. There's nothing special about being there in person. More than the distance between two people, it is the way a relationship is approached. The amount of intimacy shared. If you look at online relationships that you considerable questionable, and translate them over into real-life, they will still be questionable. Unhealty practices are unhealthy practices, be they online or not. Dependence, fantasies, lies, all of these happen in person as well. You've stated before that you think a person cannot be in love before they actually meet someone, but you have never been in an online relationship. I have, and state that you can love someone and be in love with them before you meet face to face, because to my experience, this is true. I would say that experience trumps theory, but then, I can trust my judgement - you have no basis or reason to.

I don't argue that meeting isn't a necessity - it is. In a relationship where one of the two people is unwilling or unable to meet the other, there is clearly a problem in the relationship (if, in this case, it could be called a relationship.) I do think that it is possible to have a relationship that is solely online, but that for actual love, there needs to be an intent to meet. But I also feel that it is possible not just to fall in love, but to be in love, through long distances. It takes hard work, and it takes two people who are honest, communicative, and devoted to one another. I've seen long distance relationships fail, but I've also seen many suceed. I think that part of why love can be so hard to find at a distance is because of the ease of a fantasy life, which has been spoken about in length on this thread. It is easier to lie to a person, it is easier to make yourself seem to be someone that you are not. It's easy to shield a person from the negative sides of you when it's as easy as flipping a switch. But these things don't make all long-distance relationships invalid. There are actually benefits to beginning a relationship on the internet. The same anonymity that makes it so easy to lie to someone also makes it easier to open up. It makes it easier to tell the truth, because it's easier to run away if someone doesn't like you. The relative emotional safety provided by the internet can make people grow closer, faster. And the emotional closeness provided by the internet, while often misplaced, can be a wonderful thing. Eventually the safety crutches go away as the relationship becomes more intimate, as more personal information is shared. I knew that something had changed the day I realized that I didn't have an online relationship - I had a real relationship with a real person, and the internet just happened to be the way we communicated. However, I will accept that my situation is most likely a rarity. The first time we met, it was intented to be romantic - and it was an experience that we both enjoyed a great amount. I do have to take into account that we were unusually close and acquainted with one another - having spent approximately six hours talking a day for nearly a year. We'd talked at length about meeting, and our expectations from it. We went into the meeting expecting no change in our relationship - we didn't expect it to miraculously bring us closer together, or to drive us apart. And as I stated before, the only difference was the physical. Because of my positive experience, it does bother me when I read or hear negative (blanket) statements about long distance relationships, because it feels as if others are invalidating what I and so many others have found to be valid, healthy, and lasting relationships. That's not to say that I can't deal with it, or that it's emotionally upsetting - just that I feel the need to present the other side of the argumenet. I fell in love over the internet. I stayed in love, still over the internet. And I'm not the only one.

This negative attitude about long distance relationships - that it is impossible to love someone before meeting them face to face - seems to be prevalent on most forums, not only this one. It's an attitude that I struggle to understand, and realize that it may be seen as valid because of how the people in long-distance relationships treat the relationship. It is something, however, that bothers me. To share my own story, my fiancee and I met online, with no intention whatsoever of pursuing a romantic relationship. We'd both had negative experiences with online dating, and not only were we not interested in an online romantic relationship, we weren't interested in any type of romantic relationship. We'd known one another for four months before that changed. We had a close friendship based on honesty and shared experience, and found that we had both developed romantic feelings for the other. Somewhat warily, we decided to give an online relationship a try. He lives in Oregon, and I live in Georgia, so the three thousand miles between us certainly encouraged us to be cautious. Despite our intitial misgivings, the relationship became very close. As of today, we've been dating nearly nine months. The first time we met in person was wonderful for us both, and we were pleasantly surprised to find that meeting in person changed nothing about our relationship. The only difference was that instead of longing to touch, we could. He proposed Thanksgiving night, and we're moving in together this Decemeber - and I have no doubt in my mind that I loved him, and that he loved me, before we ever truly "met". Just my experience. EDIT: To clarify, our relationship started in IM, but quickly moved almost entirely to voicechat. This was before we started dating - we were already familiar with voices, faces, etc before a romantic relationship began.

My first meeting with my boyfriend - now fiancee - went very well. We'd spent a lot of time together on voicechat (skype) and webcam, so we knew what to expect. It was a pleasant surprise to realize that he was and is exactly who he presented himself as. In reply to the topic, it sounds like you're taking things very fast for having been dating this guy for three weeks. I suggest slowly phasing out the text-chat and moving to voicechat - Skype is a great, free program, and it really cuts down on the phone bills. It's a lot harder to misrepresent yourself through voice than through text. Using webcams on a regular basis is also a very good idea.

Webcams are great to use, and these days, most people have them. They can be found in their lesser incarnations for around $20, and it really eliminates the fake picture problem.