cc2006

Thanks caro, Weird, but it feels good hearing that (reading that? lol) even though we all know thats the standard, time-tested response. I don't have anyone that I can call and talk to right now so you were the first to get to me, and I thank you for your kind words Maybe I'm not totally hurting and depressive (yet) because I had a feeling this was going to happen. I've been clinging to the hope that we'd just suddenly "get" each other and somehow become more compatible. One day she'd realize "hey, this guy is worth it" and "maybe my standards are a little too high for a healthy relationship" and would bend some toward me, making it easier for me to comprimise and end up happy together. Maybe she'd suddenly grow up. I dunno, I'm sure I probably have some growing to do too. It just sucks, to be blunt. I feel like a failure. The one thing going on right now in my life that could make the world a better place to live in and its gone. Where is the hate? Where is the anger? Those I can deal with. Breakups because of cheating or drug abuse or horrible mistreatment. Breakups from massive fights or insults. I've honestly never done this "I'm sorry but we can't do this anymore, goodbye" with tears and hugging before. I've never had to say goodbye to someone I still loved and cared about. Again, thanks for stopping by my little sad slice of enotalone to say 'keep your chin up' though, it made me smile

Well, without knowing her I definetly can't comment on how I think she'd take it if you told her. What I do know is, you're not alone ... and it doesn't make you a loser. You're probably in a smaller minority nowadays than it used to be ... but you're no loser. I felt like such a loser in highschool. I didn't date at all until I was almost 18 years old. I finally started dating when *I* felt I was ready to do so, and I'm happy I waited until then. Too many people rush into things for too many different wrong reasons. You should be happy you waited, really. So many negatives could have happened (unwanted pregnancy, disease, heck .. just doing it with someone and feeling regrettful afterwards) that you totally avoided by just having fun and doing things your own way. It kinda' sucks you weren't honest up front with her ... but if you two are in a good relationship right now and you word it right it should be ok if you want to tell her. "Before when I made it sound like I wasn't a virgin ... I was afraid of what you'd think - or I made some stories seem steamier than they were because I didn't want 'the guys' making fun of me, but now that I know you I feel comfortable in admitting that I am a virgin" type stuff. Something that shows you're admitting it because you care and have feelings for her (right thing) instead of just being being afraid she'll realize after the first time (wrong thing). Heck, some girls would be so happy with it even. Depends on the person really. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do though ... and remember, the first few times aren't always dynamite with a new person even for us non-Virgins. Sometimes it takes a few tries before two people fall into a groove and figure each other out.

Update: (The good & very bad) Well, I went for the Holiday with her to visit her family. Obviously most of my fears were unwarranted. I usually know they are, but it is still hard to break away from them. Even when I tell myself over and over that I'm just working myself up and I need to stop worrying. We had a good time. It wasn't great for me, but I managed. I just feel so out of place with her family. So much like I do not belong. I'm a city guy, and they're rural. In the end though, I felt like she had a good time and everything was as it should be. I spent a couple more days over at her place after that. The day after the holiday she moved into a new, better, apartment. I helped her move over the course of two days. Several truckloads of furniture, carloads of clothes ... got her all moved in and everything seemed happy. She was very happy with her new place, and happy to spend several days with me (Wednesday afternoon & night I stayed over, the whole Thursday holiday, the Friday 'moving day', the Saturday until 10pm finishing moving her stuff and spending time with her ... then I went home .. never left her side the whole time we were together). She works the week, and we get to this weekend. She calls me up and is feeling sick and run down. Tired all the time and just plain ill. Might be flu, not sure. I told her if she wants to come over to my place after work I'll make her some soup (its homemade) and sit in bed with her. She declines, because shes "just too tired and sick" and wants to go home, but asks me to drive over there. I decline. Today ... she calls, still feeling sick. We talk for a bit and by the end of the conversation (which was not bad in the least - trust me) she sounds depressive and down. I can tell, so I let her go so she can "get some stuff done". She showed up here at 10:15 at night, crying. Needed to talk. After a two hour conversation of her telling me we just aren't compatible and me feeling like I'm a failure she left. Our relationship is no more. Weird thing is, I'm not crying (at least right now). I shed a few tears while she was here and we were talking, but most times I'd have a breakdown and be a mess. I feel, personally, like I was a "waste of her time". I've been told that a time or two before when relationships ended, and she said nearly the exact same thing. "I feel like we're moving in different directions ..." & "Do you ever think of 'what is next' for us? Marriage or kids or ... " & the always good "I just want those things in my life and feel like being with you isn't getting me closer to them" -- that one, paraphrased, is why I feel the 'waste of time' about myself. Know what? I do think about kids. Marriage? Not so much ... I don't really believe in it the way other people do. It is not the time for either of those things in my life though, I'm going back to school after a 10 year 'recess' and attempting to start over on a degree that I wish I got waaaay back when I graduated highschool. I have stuff on my plate worth worry'n about going on RIGHT NOW, as opposed to pondering kids and marriage right now. The other problem is my relationship with her was weirdly rocky at times so I never really concentrated on thinking/planning those things with her. Why should I get myself worked up thinking putting marriage or kids into a relationship that feels like any day now it could collapse without much warning (like tonight!). She even brought up how she "really needed me because she was sick and needed someone to take care of her" .. but I "refused to be there for her". I pointed out that I spent several days with her at her apartment just a few days earlier and that the frequency she spends at mine has dwindled to *maybe* once every 3 weeks or so ... and she brought up the whole "that doesn't matter, you should have wanted to come take care of me" stuff I expected. So, now it is 12:30 at night. I'm alone with my dog, sad internally beyond belief (but not outwardly showing it). Sunday night/Monday morning ... so everyone I know is sleeping, and the people I usually talk to online aren't on right now. I'm alone, and feeling rather wounded. I told her, before she left (admidst the multitude of hugs she kept starting while in tears) that "no decision is final" and maybe after some time off she'd realize what she was giving up and contact me again. I told her that maybe this is the best thing for us ... time off ... or maybe even permenent breakup. I also told her there would be no "break-up sex" like last time we ended things. She kept showing up and I'd break down and we'd sleep together. I was cutting it off now. A year of my life. I spent a year of my life with her, trying to understand her. Trying so hard at times to be what she wanted me to be, because I never felt like I was good enough. In the end, I'm left with a few memories that hurt to think of and a couple of her things I have to figure out how to get back to her because she forgot them. lol

Its a sad state of affairs, but it seems wherever I go I run into people like the one you're posting about. No matter what job I work. Guess what? .. they're everywhere. Dunno' if its the "fresh out of college" inexperience in this field, but trust me, office politics and overly BS attitudes from people will follow you wherever you go. Me? I stand up to them. I noticed as I cleaned out my desk at my last job that I always seem to be the "go to guy" for my workplaces. I feel like my coworkers can SENSE that I'll stand up for them and run to me, it is really weird. My second job I had ... myself and several others were all hired together. We were promised benefits after 6 months, health insurance, overtime pay, vacation time, raises after performance evaluations, etc. After 6 months and nothing happening and a boss that blocked every attempt to get what we were promised I had a group of coworkers at my desk asking me to go speak on their behalf. Know what? I did it, I went down to HR and went over my boss' head and got us all our benefits we were promised, and it felt good. We were all laid off later and it didn't matter, but I felt like a hero for a little while. Fast forward. My last job. People in my office coming to me about one of the bosses. "Hypocrite" was probably the NICEST word I could post here she was called. Know what I did? ... she crossed me at one point, pulled me aside and disciplined me publicly in the company for something I didn't even do wrong (she claimed I was using my position in the company to get favors and special treatment from other employees) ... and then I caught her doing the SAME THING three weeks later (using HER position in the company to get favors and special treatment from people). I called her out over it. Marched into her office and told her what I thought. I ended up packing my desk that day and leaving because if I didn't step down I was going to be fired after a rather lengthy battle. Was I the hero that time? No. Every one of my fellow employees there backed down and not a SINGLE ONE of them stuck up for me. Some even stopped talking to me my last two weeks there (had to stay those last 2 weeks) and when I pressured them was told they were instructed to "distance themselves" from me or face disciplinary action themselves. I had one even swear that if I was fired or had to resign he'd leave with me in protest. Six months later and he still works there while I'm here at home re-evaluating my life. You can't solve the companies problems. Trust me. Unless you're on the board, or a partner, or owner, you can't solve their problems. Do your best to just nod and smile when your coworkers complain about that woman and stay under her radar. If you're lucky someone above her will see her screw up one day and she'll get her karmic returns. You can always think about getting another job, and look in the meantime. Stepping up and playing the hero rarely works in the real world.

Well .. venting and soaking in what everyone things, really. I've considered ending things ... a few times, here and there. It kills me to think about it, really. No matter how annoyed I get by the way things are, it kills me to think about ending it. So .. Ellie ... your post makes me feel like I'm doomed .. dooOOooOOooomed. Something has to change to make it healthy ... but ... my choices are to just accept it (and not change anything) or leave.

LOL ... freaky huh? Well, sorry to scare you "Its not you, its me" .. er no thats not right in this context ... I mean ... its not you, its her. It is hard. She doesn't really listen to reason ... she lets her emotional state run away with her and it becomes nearly impossible to have a discussion with her at times. Once she slips from smiles to instant depressional monotone with little "you don't love me enough"s thrown in I feel like I've lost. Anything I say at that point gets twisted back at me, and anything I've *ever* said gets dragged up and thrown at me as well. I *have* told her that her depressive moods, her insecurities, and her overall combative way of discussing things with me are damaging to the relationship. The more often (and worse) she slips into these tirades, the less time I want to spend with her despite my love for her. If I'm constantly forced to reassure someone over and over again about the same things I feel like a broken record. I get tired of it, and thereby tired of the relationship - because, frankly, the relationship *becomes* all about appeasing her insecurities. When I see them coming now, her moods, I just want to run and hide. I can't do anything about them, and I'm so very sick and tired of feeling like I have to baby her. "I just want you to comfort me when I feel bad." Sure, thats great, but when I see you on your days off once or twice a week and you feel bad and depressive often why the heck am I doing this? Who wants to spend most of their time with their SO sitting in the dark holding them while they cry? Especially if the crying involved criticism about the one being supportive? After a while I just give up and go 'cold'. I shut down and stop feeling *anything* for a period of time while I recharge and am able to deal with it again for a short time. Terrible, really, because it makes me miserable and unfeeling to life in general for a while, not just her, because I get so drained. I'm afraid I'm going to end up resenting her. I used to feel sorry for her when she was upset ... now I just get annoyed that she is doing it to herself again. She is her own worst enemy, beats herself up with insecurities and I have to pick up the pieces. Just feels like I can't even break through to her. I can't seem to tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. She either refuses to listen, or twists it and throws it back. Anyway ... I hear what you two are saying about going up (ugh, 6 hours in the car in a single day because she has to work the morning after) for the holiday with her. Wouldn't that be giving in? Isn't that, at this point, like giving the child on the supermarket floor throwing a tantrum the candy it wants just to make it stop? .. and about her spending last year's holidays with me. Thing is, I told her she didn't have to. I told her *not* to. She did, anyway, stating that she just couldn't stand to be away from me (Which, by the way, is a common thing she uses to 'prove' that she loves me more than I love her - the fact that she can't stand to *not* be with me while I need/enjoy personal space and time away). I thought that sounded a little obsessive, but shrugged and knew I couldn't *force* another adult to go home for the holidays. "Whatever you wanna' do is fine then." So, she stuck around here and spent the time with me. I don't ask people to do things for me unless it is totally necessary and I cannot figure out how to do it myself. I can't even think of something I'd ask my SO to do in any situation for me. So this feels like she pretty much volunteered to spend last year's holidays with me so now she has one up on me and I have to repay it. Yeah I know ... my thought process is odd, isn't it? Her and I just have different views on what a healthy relationship are.

Nah, I didn't take it as rude really. Your reply actually made me chuckle some. Yeah .. again .. my shrink says similar. It makes me wish we all had warning lables like dangerous items in life do. "Manipulator" "Unfaithful" "Snores & Stares at other women" ... you know? Maybe we wouldn't fall in love with people that are incompatible (or just plain wrong for us) if we had it spelled out up front. Nah, we probably still would. Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Sometimes with the people I talk to about these things ... they look at me like I'm crazy ... or don't see her act like she does on the phone or in private with me so they find it hard to believe. It is nice to hear sometimes that I'm not the only one who has issues like this ... I feel like that sometimes. Yeah ... I'm going to see if I can figure out how to break the cycle. It is tough, seeing as how I'm practically 'trained' to be the way I am and feed into it. Most of my life has been spent living like this, and to just up and alter my whole inner thought processs, reactions to situations, and way of .. well .. being ... just feels impossible most days. Well to be honest, no. There are a few reasons. 1.) Anxiety due to crowds of people, especially those I don't know well is a BIG one. I have a supply of anti-anxiety pills "just in case" but I hate taking them. 2.) No matter how much my family gets on my nerves, they're still my family ... so I'd rather not spend the holiday away from them, despite my complaints to others about them 3.) I feel safer near home. Basically, if anything goes wrong or I get stressed out or anxious I can sneak home to where I feel 'safe'. Being several hours away takes that away from me and leaves me completely vulnerable. 4.) Comments made by my family, i.e. "You're going to let that @%#& boss you around and make you spend the holiday with her?" do in fact get to me and make me wonder if her requests/demands are unreasonable. Not sure if thats replacing one manipulation with a counter-manipulation? I end up feeling like it is wrong to agree to go with her if I do not really WANT to do so .. because others around me feel that I'm being manipulated into doing it. 5.) I honestly "just don't feel like it" ... personal preference, really. 6.) It almost becomes a competition with myself sometimes ... seeing if I can say 'no' to her and stick to it. The harder she tries to convince me to do otherwise the more I feel that I should stand my ground and not give in ... and it spirals. Once I commit to saying 'no' I feel I'm spineless if I reneg on it later. I dunno' ... I wish I wasn't programmed to be the way I was.

LOL .. you should like my therapist. .. but, I know, however harsh that sounds you're probably right. As for me? .. you're right ... I'm an easy target. I grew up with a couple pretty crappy hardships in my childhood (but who didn't). One problem was that one of them made me basically lose my mother to severe depression for a while. I was an 8 year old who struggled like mad to make my mother NOT depressed. I didn't understand how it all worked, but just knew I couldn't stand seeing my mother like that ... and in the end I guess I just became one of those people that bends to emotional blackmail. After a while I 'wake up' and realize (usually with outside help) what is going on and try and fix it, but by then it is too late I guess. Thanks for the replies all. She is very insecure. She grew up a twin and I think she must have been the dominant one. I feel like shes looking for someone to hold her hand and do whatever she wants/feels like doing at the drop of a hat. She wants her twin sister with male genitalia maybe? Weirdly enough I guess I attract people like this. I must have some scent that says "this is a good guy who won't stand up for himself much" and they lock onto me. It is hard because she doesn't listen to reason. No matter how many times I try to explain things, it falls on deaf ears. "It makes me feel bad when I feel like I cannot say 'no' to you. Saying 'no' shouldn't make me feel guilty" - gets replies like - "Well you make me feel bad by never wanting to do things with me." Everything feels like it is just always about HER. Even when she says "we" or "us" it still feels about HER. *Shrugs* As for if she'd stick around here for the Holiday? No, she already made up her mind to go visit her family. I figured that was fine, since two people should be ABLE to be apart .. it is pretty much a requirement in healthy relationships to spend time apart. She made sure she pointed out that last year she spent the Holidays around here (even though I firmly remember telling her she should go home for them, and never once did I ask that she stay in town .. she just decided to do so). It becomes a weird competition for her ... ](*,) ... its like in her head she keeps track of things she does for me (I don't ask either ... I enjoy being semi-independent and don't ask her to do things for me often if at all) and throws them back at me when I tell her 'no'. "Last year I stayed in town and did the holiday here because I love you, and you won't do the opposite for me ... you don't love me." Still drained ... still tired ... but feel alil better Thanks.

Hello all, Trying to ask my question and tell my story here ... see what you think. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We seem to fluctuate between happy and unhappy, depending on the day. It is hard, because I have a very small expectation level when it comes to relationships, while I feel she has high expectations. I feel like she wants her partner to meet her every need without asking ... and when she DOES ask, she wants those needs met with a smile. I love her, and she means alot to me, but I'm growing very tired of the depression and self-doubt that comes from our relationship. We do not live together. (If that matters.) She is in her mid 20s, and I am a couple years older. She has always struck me as "immature" to a degree, but I never knew how much before we began seriously dating. Our main problem (I feel) arises when I chose to NOT do something with her. I feel as a human being, and an adult, I should have the right to refuse to do something ... or chose another path for myself. If she calls me at 9pm at night and asks me to come over (30 minute drive) and I opt not to she has a pity-party. I "don't love her enough". She "doesn't understand why someone who supposedly loves someone else wouldn't DREAM to get a 9pm phonecall asking them to come over and RUSH over without a thought otherwise". Her friend ____ would drive 3 hours every weekend after classes got out to be with so-and-so. She'd do it for *me* so why won't I do it for *her*, etc. Basically ... in the end, I'd either end up going even if I didn't really feel like it, or I'd end up barely standing my ground and feeling like I was the biggest piece of poo in the world all night for NOT going over. She has gone so far as to make comments about "taking some pills and sleeping forever" once upon a time to combat my supposed horrible attitude toward her. I'm a nice person. I don't drink too much. I don't abuse drugs, people or animals. I don't hit or hurt. I don't verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse anything or anyone. Sure I can be a little 'cold' sometimes when I'm afraid of being hurt .. I shut down somewhat. I have anxiety issues ... I get uncomfortable around large groups of people (especially ones I don't know). I have low self-esteem issues ... everyone has their problems. In the end though, I'm a nice person. .. skip to this week .. Will I go on a 2-3 hour drive to visit her family for the upcoming holiday, was asked. I thought about it for a couple days, and decided that I did not really want to do so ... and I'd like to stay home and end up spending the holiday locally with MY family. I'm not really up to a 2-3 hour drive (each way) and a day with people that I do not fully feel comfortable with/around ... especially with my anxiety issues this week. She became very upset at my "no". Her tone changes and she becomes instantly depressive. I don't "love her enough". She is thinking she should leave to find someone who fits her needs better (which makes me feel flawed, like something is wrong with me ... because I don't meet all her needs). I'm not "into her" enough supposedly. She believes that if two people are in love they'll WANT to do everything with each other. She refuses to hear my side .. which is .. if two people are in love they'll compromise and each do little things they don't really WANT to do but will do for each other. She feels if we're really "meant to be" then I should WANT to drive 3 hours to visit her family that I don't feel 100% comfortable around. I'm just getting to the end of my rope here. If I be me, and say "no" when I want to and try to just have fun in the relationship I'm supposedly not good enough. I don't give verbal compliments enough (my family is not a verbal encouraging family .. I wasn't brought up like that at all) ... and I don't want to see her enough supposedly ... and I obviously make the wrong choices by telling her 'no' sometimes. I'm just ... drained. I'm drained, I'm tired, and I'm hurting. Just so sick of struggling to prove I love someone and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells or risk upsetting and sending the person I love into a depressive spiral that drags me down too. I have no clue what I'm expecting to hear from anyone here (if anything) but I already feel slightly better just typing this. Thanks, cc2006