idiot

Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend by Lobo I stopped sending flowers to your apartment You said you aren't home much anymore I stopped dropping by without an appointment Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door. Sometimes late at night you'll still call me Just before you close your eyes to sleep You make me vow to try and stop by sometime Baby that's a promise I can't keep. I love you too much to ever start liking you So lets just let the story kinda end I love you too much to ever start liking you So don't expect me to be your friend. I don't walk down through the village or other places That we used to go to all the time I'm trying to erase you from my memory Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind. You always act so happy when I see you You smile that way you take my hand and then Introduce me to your latest lover That's when I feel the walls start crashing in. copyright 1972

Hi DiggityDave and Annie24, Thanks for your replies. DiggityDave -- my husband is aware of the fact that something happened with the ex-coworker 2 years ago, but he's not aware of how far it went or of what happened the next year (we had separated in that time frame and have since reconciled and are working on trying to improve our marriage). I'll admit that I didn't give him the complete story 2 years ago, because I cared about my ex-co-worker and was concerned about what my husband would do if he knew the full extent of what had happened (at the time). I still don't want to give him all the gory details, because I think it would hurt him unnecessarily (and maybe I'm party afraid he'd show me the door when I'm not sure that's what I want?). What's the point now anyways? I just want to get over this and I wish I'd never met the ex-co-worker -- never having him in my life would be preferable to the pain. Annie24 -- thanks for your thoughts -- I will try to once again re-direct my focus to my husband. I just wish I didn't feel like a part of me was dying every day. Seriously, if I could cut off my arm to eliminate the mental/emotional anguish, I would do it without a moment's hestitation. I guess life goes on whether you want it to or not, right? Thank you both for your thoughts.

I'm not sure where this should be posted, but I'm posting in the "Healing After Break Up or Divorce" simply because I want to heal.... I want to stop being the world's biggest idiot. I know what I've done in the past is wrong, so I don't need a whole lot of flaming (I've done enough to myself) -- I'd just like to get over and past this drama. Almost two years ago, I had a short-term affair with an ex-co-worker, in which he was only in it for the challenge, and I (unfortunately) ended up falling completely for the man. My husband and I had issues at the time, and in hind-sight, it's easy to see what the issues were and how the whole affair happened. Of course, things didn't end there -- a year ago, a repeat occurrence happened with the same man, because I was still totally infatuated/in-love with him and things were still rough with my husband. The second encounter ended with an unplanned pregnancy in which I ended up miscarrying. That was nine months ago. I've since discovered that my "lover" never really had any feelings for me, it was only a diversion for him because he didn't want to deal with issues with his live-in girlfriend. Meanwhile, I've been trying to wipe him out of mind and proceed with fixing my marriage (counseling, etc..) I'm not totally sure (yet) that I want to be married to my husband, and I KNOW I'm still not over my ex-co-worker. How do I get over and past this? I've tried NC, but I still harbor feelings of hate (towards my ex-co-worker), regret, and sorrow over what happened -- he totally used me. I'll never be able to go back to being friends with him like we once were, but yet I can't seem to cut the cord and sever all ties either -- he's too much a part of my history and too deeply entrenched in my heart. (I should add that we worked together for almost 6 years and had been friends for over a decade before anything happened). I could go in to much more detail about his and my relationship, but it would probably be boring. The main point -- he's told me that everything that happened only happened because he was in a "selfish mode". Knowing that, how do I force myself to accept the fact that any relationship I ever had with him is (or should be) totally over, and bury the part of me that's still attached to him? I wish I'd never met the man, and yet I can't imagine what life will be like without him in it entirely. If anyone has any thoughts other than just "NC" (which I've already tried and continue to implement to no avail) for healing a broken heart and soul, please advise. Many thanks.