Batya33

2 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

within my life, yes. in our relationship...not really. I decided that I wanted to be less of a push over and better with setting boundaries within our relationship

Great decision -what are you going to do today to start making that change? Do you want to be less of a pushover or not at all a pushover?

1 minute ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

we haven't recently had a conversation about her "controlling behaviour" besides the phone incident. 

have I made any changes before I wrote this post when I was actively in therapy? or now?

Has therapy motivated you to choose to make changes?

6 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

when she said that I don't think that she meant it in a stereotypical way... I personally consider her to be an education person. 

of course she does. we're involved so she just wants to make sure that I "don't drag her down with me".

None of this sounds healthy on her part.  She might be educated but seems to me she missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners/playing nicely in the sandbox were taught.

2 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

she feels like it changes my behaviour, which then leaks onto our relationship. that was the original problem that she had with me going. 

Yes it can result in you making choices to change your behavior.  Therapy doesn't cause a change -that's your choice.  Is she willing to change her controlling behaviors? Also do you think the changes you've made are beneficial? Have you made changes?

On one of my mom groups on FB someone just posted that her husband turned up the volume on the song Landslide as they drove to get their child at college. How it always makes her cry. Same and I love the song and the release it gives me!

I'm so glad you've listed your accomplishments -they're really something! I'm so sorry you are sad.  I would encourage you to call a suicide hotline or similar resource.  I hope you feel better.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I agree if the therapist seemed inappropriate or unprofessional in any way then that's different. I was getting the impression from OP's post that right from the start she didn't want him to go to therapy and she also didn't want the therapist to be female. I didn't see anything written in the post that the therapist had actually done anything wrong.

In my opinion your partner also doesn't have a right to ask what you talked about in therapy. The whole point of therapy is it's meant to be confidential. If your partner required you to tell them everything you said in therapy every single time, it completely defeats the purpose. Therapy is meant to be a confidential and safe space. It’s absurd that his girlfriend basically demands and forces him to tell her what he discusses in therapy and gets angry if he doesn't tell her. She has no right to know what is being discussed unless he's threatening to harm himself or other people.

Yes, I was giving a hypothetical of where it is ok for a partner to intervene if his or her partner seems to be in an unprofessional or unethical situation with a health care provider. 

On 5/3/2024 at 8:09 PM, Armyguy368 said:

Yes I have and nothing is working. 

It's tough out there.  I dated for 24 years on and off and felt that way at times.  Time to switch it up! All that needs to work is you will meet a person -albeit no guarantees -one person who is right for you.  Not a perfect person. And if your goal is not to find one right person but to enjoy dating lots of people then that's fine too and that's also hard!

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I also want to add that OP said right from the start that girlfriend wasn't happy with him doing therapy. And she basically said that she didn't like that it was a woman. So at that stage she didn't know anything about this therapist, who she was, whether she was catty or b*tch. She had no idea. So to me this really seems like some kind of control or jealousy issue that was there to begin with.

I also think that jealousy is a natural feeling and we all experience it. It's probably also OK to say you feel jealous but you need to work on it. In life we're always surrounded by people of the opposite gender. So we just need to trust our partner that they won't do anything instead of trying to control their life.

And sure there are exceptions.  If a professional is a bad apple whether a therapist or medical doctor it's totally fine for the partner to speak up if something seems off.  Whether it's about a female who was unprofessionally flirtatious or giving medical or mental health advice that seems way out of bounds -sometimes the objective outsider can see  that better than the patient. 

When I was 10 we went to family therapy a few times. I liked going because afterwards we would go to a yummy restaurant lol.  The doctor -a stern looking man - responded to me when I described one of my family members as "crazy" - he corrected me and said something didactic like "we don't use that language -we say "neurotic"" or some 10 dollar term. I said right to him "we're paying you ___/hour and I'll say what I feel."  I stand by that 47 years later and if my partner hypothetically told me that his therapist was trying to control the words he used in that harsh way I'd be concerned too!

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So who unpacks immediately after they return from a trip? 🙋‍♀️ And who lets the suitcase or bag sit for a week? Or more? Or even leaves it in the car for days? I dislike disorder or clutter or things out of place. 

  When it comes to unpacking, since I pack for myself and my son I unpack ASAP because I actually need a number of the items in the bag and sometimes like if the hotel had a pool there is wet stuff so that needs to go in the washing machine ASAP.  Also otherwise in our small space the suitcase blocks access.  And I make sure there is no food left over that might have been opened, the liquids have to be put away to prevent a disaster lol.   We can't leave anything in the car really for safety reasons and often we don't use the car at all for a trip.  There also are some really small items -like my son's braces wax or meds that need to be put away in their proper place. Before we leave I try to have all the laundry in the plastic laundry bag easily accessible so I can unzip the suitcase in our entrance way and dump it right in the machine.

14 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Women can absolutely be catty and this, in my opinion, is a stereotype and generalisation for a reason! 
 

Has anyone ever had experience working in an all female environment?

 

Phew! Good luck! 
 

x

Yes, and that was not my experience.  Individual people can be catty.  I have many reasons why I think women are mislabeled this way and they're not pretty so to speak.  Been working full time a total of 18 years and part time 7 years.  Worked part time in all female environments during high school and college -so add on another 8 years.  Have worked in a huge array of environments.  I'm not a feminist and I hate that stereotype and its origins.  And I have tons and tons of indirect experience through my husband, friends, family friends, colleagues, former classmates, you name it. I can't stand that catty label and it really holds good people back and not just women.  Ick.

When my MIL passed away my husband - was grief stricken. Me too.  And it was so hard in the years before she passed.  We loved her so.  I encouraged him to seek out grief counseling through his employer (it's an employee assistance program -a fairly typical service).  He did not but it never ever occurred to me (1) to have any concerns about the gender of the counselor; or (2) what he would choose to share even if not directly related to the loss of his mom.  And as I wrote above I'd never have asked him about his sessions other than maybe "oh you had your session - hope it went ok!" - in my experience men can show more reluctance to seek counseling -he was not depressed in that sense but obviously it was a huge loss and her illness and our care for her and his role in it as an only child -I mean obviously I was there to support him and help.  And -I'm no professional!

4 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

We have just moved home (I forgot to mention this part!) and away from two nightmare neighbours and work was my refuge. I do find being a parent difficult and can at times feel a failure at it. 

I think we all do at times -I mean where's that parenting manual?? Also if  you let yourself look at too much social media you can feel like a failure with all the shoulds and the humble brag photos.  "Oh, another weekend ... another regatta!" (yes true post). 

Often it's the best parents who sometimes feel like failures -obviously  you care a lot! And who the heck knew what was right -parenting wise -during the pandemic?? 

Just like with work -you do you- trust in yourself, have self confidence and really resist the urge to compare.  For example on the unusual days my son gets up while I'm still having my breakfast and coffee (I get up wayyyyy early to get my workout and me time in before my husband and son get up) I tell him - please do your own thing until I'm done with my breakfast (emergencies aside). 

He's 15 and I would have said this a couple of years ago too.  I love that he gets it -he gets that I love him to pieces, he gets that I'm not going to be this "oh I'm allll about you! at your beck and call!" if it's still my me time/pre-coffee.  It means he can take space too.  Obviously when he was 4 or 5 different story. We teach our kids by taking space too - have them feel that core of care and love and see you also caring for yourself and putting your oxygen mask on first sometimes. 

But if I look at social media it's all that silly martyrdom "moms are like the 3 bears -the one whose porridge was always cold" or "oh we have an 8am baseball game followed by shopping for clothes for Spirit Week at school followed by his math enrichment class and tee hee I guess my lunch is a cold brew from starbucks and an energy bar again -oh well!!!" I bet I'm not exaggerating  Don't make it more difficult than it is. 

And I agree with all the others on taking care with work-life balance and please know it's a work in progress -there's no black and white solution IMHO.  I still work on what works for me. Good luck and take care. 

My parents married in 1956 and their wedding photo had this same style and look - love it! I adored my grandparents too.  Such a blessing. My mother grew up in a heavily Greek neighborhood in NYC!

Please see all the red flags especially her irrational stereotypical nonsense about women being "catty" and especially in this professional context.  Is she an educated person -I mean not just academic -is she someone who's seen the world/wants to see the world -does she do cultural stuff, read or listen to content that expands her world in a genuine and smart way? Is she catty? Does she live her life too focused on cliches and assumptions and stereotypes in this negative way? 

I don't think therapists are motivated solely or mostly by money.  I'm sure many therapists provide free services too, or would - a good therapist is dedicated to their chosen profession and wants to make a contribution to a client for healing purposes.  There's no "stranger" about it - telling a non-professional random stranger personal stuff obviously might be a bad idea and  there's no promise it will be kept confidential. Or heard through a perspective of learning/insight that therapists do -for years and years.  If someone poo poos therapy as "paying someone to listen to you whine" that's just that person's ignorance.  

I went to my dermatologist for my annual skin check this past Friday and I noticed for the first time that one of the intake questions referred to a domestic violence screening.  I am not in that situation in the least but it was intriguing to me -I was so happy to see that there since my sense is most of the patients are female -or a larger portion?  - and obviously the doctor will see bruising or the like. 

I asked her about that part of the form and she explained that while she's not required to report evidence of domestic violence she feels that those questions might motivate a person in danger to share information so she can share resources/support etc. 

A therapist is the same -a professional providing a safe, confidential space to share what is going on and then the therapist can either help with their training or if needed for example refer you to get medication or see a different sort of therapist.  Showing a stranger your bruising -or your inner bruising - has a remote likelihood of leading to help or resolution.  And -doesn't  your girlfriend want you to resolve whatever hurts you have? In a safe way and with a professional? If it hurts that much has she come up with alternatives other than "I don't think you need therapy so stop".

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's interesting LootieTootie but if I may ask, if your husband stopped being supportive and caring and loving you, would you be able to live with that in your marriage? 

I know I wouldn't, I'd leave.  I would imagine most people would. 

So in that sense would you not say you "need" those things from him?   

It's healthy and normal to need other people imo.  People also need to feel needed!  Not in an unhealthy codependent way, but a human healthy need to feel supported and loved in your relationship.

And no for me I could not survive in my relationship without it, I would leave and survive on my own.

Apologies, I am extremely independent and self sufficient as well but this whole "not needing a man" when in a relationship with him feels quite foreign to me.

 

 

For me it depends what the need is targeted to. For me personally other than in extreme circumstances I'd be uncomfortable needing my husband to be the sole financial provider. I'd be comfortable if I don't know - I lost all my savings/assets through a crime let's say then I would be fine being dependent and needing him to fund all we do and I do.  I don't need to be with him to have a sense of self-worth.  I did on a practical level need him in order to be a momma in the biological sense - because I was unwilling to be a single mother by choice and unwilling to have a child outside of a stable healthy marriage.  But did I "need" to be a mother? No however I wanted it desperately. 

I do need him to accommodate the inconvenience of when I work out. I try to even things out by accommodating him in other ways -his schedule, his lifestyle  - but yes if he said no - it would take away the slice of heaven it feels like to me to have my morning routine the way it is. It actually does feel like a mental and physical health need.  But -again - is it? I still don't know where that want/need line is drawn.

I dislike feeling needy.  I dislike being around needy people.  So needing someone is healthy -and there's a point where it's not -just like stubbornly refusing help because heaven forbid you have to admit you need help - is also unhealthy.

2 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Thank you for your response. I have done some digging and yes I have always taken my job seriously but it's like I stopped drinking which as an addict was a main focus and then it went to work. 

Was out at a birthday party today trying to focus solely on my child but kept thinking of work but at the same time knowing that I had to address this problem. 

Wanting to focus on being healthier/ getting back to the gym and perhaps moving to a less intense area of work which may be more beneficial changes to make, especially for my self esteem. 

Please cut yourself slack -80% with kids is showing up -no need to be 100% present at all times to have your child benefit greatly -and you too! You were thinking -not like you checked work email right? Even that would be ok during a lull. 

Gym is a great idea -I work out so much of my negative energy/work stress/parenting stress in my daily workout.  I personally would not move to a less intense area of work if you risk being bored.  Less intense if the boss/managers are less intense or more pleasant -yes I get it.

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I understand. I had a long relationship with an electronics engineer while I sucked at math. He tutored me through college classes and helped to build my confidence beyond what I could have imagined.

So maybe think in terms less adversarial? You have this fabulous expert on YOUR side, and she loves to teach. Why not see what you can learn from her, and then maybe your guy friends will straighten up and fly right.

I agree.  There always will be people like this who make comments like that - and consider how awesome it is that your girlfriend is that much safer from the risks of being attacked - she must feel less vulnerable/at risk out there in the world.  I'd simply acknowledge the lame comments and move along like "oh -yes -I suppose so - anyway - (change subject).  

What your girlfriend is doing and has accomplished is so very impressive IMHO.  

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Good point which is why, despite my more positive feelings, I'm lowering my expectations and taking a 'wait and see' approach and will see how things play out on our date tonight.

And if we get on well tonight I will continue with that same 'wait and see' approach and observing.

I am looking forward to seeing him though, I admit that.

Of course - why bother if you’re not looking forward. My newly separated friend also has a second date via online tonight and she just ended things after 4 dates with another online guy. Living vicariously through her adventures too lol. She’s in her 40s and might be 20 years since she dated. 

Also remember her ex can figure out how to confront you. 

If I take what yogacat wrote it’s not avoidance to simply not want anything serious. And if you don’t it makes sense to have boundaries. It’s like how I am with certain coworkers. I know we’d be very close outside the office but I’m not looking for issues within the office so I avoid going deep on certain topics. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Bat!  I'm seeing him again because since this all went down, he has demonstrated a side to him, certain qualities that I find quite appealing and attractive!  That I either had not noticed before or didn't consider given I was so hung up on his clothing attire.

I'm not concerned about his attire anymore.  He is who he IS, true to himself which are more important to me..

Plus I don't think he's going show up tonight looking like he did on our meet.  I'd rather not disclose why I think that but we've been chatting quite a bit since, some things have been revealed, so again all good!!

 

Remember what you wrote about expectations and crashing? You know almost nothing about him let alone sides of him. Maybe the side of his clothing since you noticed what he wore. You have no clue if he is true to himself or putting on a show. Or something in between. Maybe he’s experimenting too. Challenging his notions of whatever - how to presented himself. I’d go only cause it might be fun. Zero expectations 

Congratulations on your baby!  It is tragic. Not at all to justify but PPD and PPA and I believe there is something called post partum psychosis. Yes when you have a newborn these stories and tragedies certainly hit harder. 

I think people are more quick to label others as workaholics these days.  I think there's zero wrong with focusing on work outside of work if it makes the person feel good and if it's not an obsession/addiction -just like a parent who focuses on their kids and gets judged as a helicopter parent.  I haven't had "just a job" since maybe 1991.  Neither has my husband.  I do have to check my tendency to get too work focused.  And I do.  I can see where I could become a workaholic if I didn't do so.  I am very proud of my work, the contributions I make/try to make and equally proud of my husband's work.  I think I care too much at times -but again I check that -I'm not stuck in it or obsessed.  I haven't had a typical hours 9 to 5 job either since the early 90s.  I chose that.  For different reasons over the years.  Neither does my husband.  I do plan someday if I keep working at a certain age/stage to have a predictable hours job again -likely when my son goes to college. 

I think there is far more focus now on that elusive work life balance.  When I started out in my intense and intensely competitive career in 1994 -my second career- it was expected you were on call 24/7 and there was no internet so you did this mostly at the office -early mornings/late nights, weekends.  Not 24/7 at the office unless there was a big deadline.  Then yes -we did what was needed.  Were we workaholics -I mean who knows - back then though my point is that this level of focus in my industry was -normal.  Now it would not be or there would be tremendous pushback from all I see.  I don't work in that environment anymore but I also don't have a predictable job.  As a SAHM for 7 years I worked in that sort of environment -it prepared me well! Was I a workaholic as a SAHM because of my focus, my 24/7 on call. thinking about my "work" with our son when he was sleeping? I don't think so.  

I do think that certain people have addictive personalities.

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm confused why many of you are challenging me about this now? 

I'm fine with how things played out, so is HE!   HE isn't complaining or frankly even confused.  He actually understands believe it or not which is why he reached out. 

This has been a very short interaction thus far but I've learned a tremendous amount about myself which I would not have learned had I "pretended" everything was fine, said or did nothing and sat with myself and my own emotions.

I'm sick of pretending, sick of avoiding and sick of running. 

I am really looking forward to tonight, excited!

So honestly guys, it's all good!  💛

Have fun! I didn't mean to challenge you - since you wrote you're open minded to new ways of looking at things I suggested just that.  There's nothing wrong with how things played out as far as you meeting someone for the first time, having a bad impression and then deciding despite that to give it another chance.  Happens all the time.  I get the impression you're seeing  him again more for  you and to show yourself some things than because you're that interested in him and don't want to pass up an opportunity.  It's kind of like practicing new ways of dating and interacting with people -and since he of course knows you two barely know each other you're absolutely not leading him on or "using" him.

I didn't feel docile when I was "courted" or when a man holds the door for me especially if I'm carrying heavy packages. It's just -nice, mannerly, depending on the context.  My teenager was scared to do something at a game place for his bday so his two male friends offered to do it with him.  I thought that was wonderful.  He did it! (Referring to Jibralta's example) - I wouldn't have assumed anyone thought you were "weak"