Batya33

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

For you!

 

Saw her perform in May 1990! Awesome   Thank you!

Agree with all the others.  If she were  your wife/mother of your kids I'd feel somewhat differently.  She can seek out resources on campus to learn how to budget and save better, I've heard good things for example about Dave Ramsey (heard -don't know). Like Seraphim said we've all had to roll up our sleeves and work for what we wanted and differentiate wants from needs.  Travel is a want.  Education... is more of a need in a lot of cases but the sort of education, the timing of it, how you will live during it -is more of a want. 

I paid for my own grad school (my college was very very inexpensive and I got a merit scholarship that would have covered the last year plus some but my parents let me spend it on wants - just saying I was ready to use it for tuition).  For grad school -yes- my parents let me live at home rent free -that was a huge savings -but I paid for my tuition, took out loans for the rest, paid them back in 2.5 years after graduation and it wasn't fun.

Find someone who has these sorts of values -I say that because it sounds like you have these sorts of values.  

8 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

There’s nothing much to continue about. Or at least it feels that way to me. My family doesn’t get along at all. I haven’t made a single friend since I graduated college ten years ago and I’m too scared to try. All my friends and extended family in my age group are settling down and starting families. I live in an area where I can’t go outside without seeing all the people going about their days and engagements. Im getting older every day and haven’t accomplished what I want to creatively. Every hour I know there’s life happening out there and I am not an active participant. The things I want to do are being done and the life I want to live is being lived and I’m stuck being myself in my pathetic little world that’s getting smaller and smaller all the time.

Can you save or work towards moving to a larger city where there is a big singles population -I did that in my late 20s -I only had to move 9 miles from where I grew up but moved into a high rent district where I could walk to work -worked more than full time -and take part in all the social activities and volunteer activities and on and on in the huge city.  

Creatively is easier to in a big city especially if it involves collaborating or being involved in cultural activities.  I had a number of friends ages early 30s to early 40s starting families and getting married -especially a few who were in their 40s -when I got married and got pregnant -husband and I were 42 as newlyweds and expecting parents.  I felt very very left behind for years but living in a large city with other singles made it much easier.

But yes if you are having suicidal thoughts I am very very sorry and please get professional help and  resources.

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Alright. You know this best. 

You'll leave when you'll finally get to a place where you want to leave.

Yes and I thought you said if he wanted a relationship with you if hypothetically he was divorced -you'd jump at the chance.  

You don't need a drug of choice -you don't need any drug that acts like a drug in that sense -do you? Yes there likely are other prospects and it's hard to find a good match.  But if you truly don't want a potential relationship at this point, and you don't want a sexual arrangement, is it that you want to go on dates with a person you enjoy being with, maybe have some romance but you both know that is what it is -neither of you have the intention or the purpose of seeing if there is long term potential? Then I'd -early on - make that clear -I think there are men in our age group who would like that. 

A lot here and I really hope it helped you to write it out here!!  (And travel is a lot not a little stressful with kids and you took on the sister situation!!).  I hope it's better with her away -I think you had a lot of trouble restraining yourself because of the small space, you were tired, your baby wasn't feeling well,,,,,, and on and on and on.  You are human.  And it doesn't sound like your sister is second mom when you travel -the doting aunt who anticipates what you might need as a mother of  three little ones.  She's not going to come over, say hi and look at you and say "K I got this - you go shower, take your time, make yourself a cup of tea -I'll handle the kids --- ok go now!!" 

Anyway I really hope it helped to write it here and I'm glad your husband drove her back.  

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I will admit, overall the sex isn't that great with him. But something about him drew me in. I can't explain it, so it kept me going back for more.

Are you like that in other areas of  your life -engaging in unhealthy behavior because you can't explain it so you keep going back for more - or just going with whatever you fancy whether in your best interests or not?

1 hour ago, dias said:

A start-up based in London reached out today. They said they offer remote working. I am not leaving the consultancy but it's easy to get tempted when they reach out with good offers. Now, my problem with getting a better job is that it does not solve the problem. Building your own successful start-up only solves it. 

I am at a stage in my life where I want and need permanent solutions on every level: job, women, location. I can't keep going with short-term fixes to long-term problems. I just can't. 

As you know it’s a tall order and yes seems to come easily for some. And for others it “seems” but only on social media. I had the job part very early on. And the marriage part about 15 years later. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So it's different imo. His behavior leaving it about expecting she would read it and the OP actually reading it. 

I think it's perfectly consistent with his  expecting a grown woman to keep dating him once finding out his lie and excuses for why he lied.  

I wish her well and hope she sees the light.

He doesn't come back -to you -he comes back -to sex with you.  You can dismiss it all you like as "I have no idea" but I advise not giving yourself a pass -you can have "no idea" and still stay away.

One of the men who lied to me about his age by lying on his profile revealed his lie by bragging about how wealthy his ex wife's family was - and their age difference. OK.  Simple google check revealed her, her age and the fact he was lying so I didn't meet him.  I couldn't imagine how an intelligent, educated man couldn't help himself but brag about his ex wife, identify her, and not realize that would blow his cover.

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's still pretty bizarre though, reading a letter personally addressed to him? 

I dunno I'm envisioning this scenario, seeing my boyfriend's mail laying about, on a table or wherever, it wouldn't occur to me to read it.... would you?  

It's a letter addressed to him and none of my business and if a boyfriend read my personal mail, THAT might be the dealbreaker.... for me. 

It's equally weird that he would intentionally leave the letter on a table expecting that she would read it, a private letter personally addressed to him?

Why would he expect that she would read a private letter addressed to him? 

Something just sounds off about it but probably doesn't matter, last I read she decided to continue seeing him.

 

Yes. It’s all weird. Liars often do odd things. Especially since they have to cover their tracks. I will glance sometimes  as I walk by at my husband’s work laptop in case there is a notification he should know about but I’d never lift up the cover if it was closed etc. I check the mail so yes I look at his envelopes in case I know they’re junk. And we’re married. 

I’m glad you’re seeing other men but for now you might be more attracted to unavailable men. He is honest with you about his strong focus on what a woman looks like and what she is like in bed and has no filter with you about sharing what he is thinking about women’s body parts and their sexual performance with him. He is honest about being married and about not wanting to be in a relationship with you. 
I’m glad you’re starting to be honest with yourself about your sexual arrangement with this man. 

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

That sounds lovely! 😍

I think our most extravagant trip as kids was a cross country road trip to Disneyland 😆.

My parents were not able to take us on anything more than that, it would have been lovely, and I enjoyed the road trips. 

 

We don't do extravagant because we tag along on my husband's business conferences which means only we pay and we avoid expensive hotels etc.  My parents couldn't avoid Disney.  Never took us on a plane flight (my first as mentioned was for a teen tour when I was 15 -my grandmother paid for it and offered either 6 weeks away in youth hostels or 3 weeks in hotels -I chose the longer trip). My parents once a year or less took us  to a all inclusive hotel a few hours away by car for a few days and we were sent to sleepaway camp which wasn't inexpensive but not fancy camps.

Yes international flights are $$$ but we also choose not to own a private home, our rent is not inexpensive but we have 1200 square feet/two bedrooms, we married later in life and both saved a lot of $$ before marriage over that 10-15 year period pre-marriage, have one child and we live reasonably otherwise definitely not extravagantly. 

We've done certain more extravagant experiences but I take my son to many low cost/free cultural activities -museums, art installations, festivals, and very often we are exploring on foot/taking public transport. I do packed lunches, bring lower cost snacks from home, do not let my son go crazy ordering expensive beverages, etc - so we don't do fancy shmancy with rare exception like for a very special occasion.  When we saw Justice Ginsberg it was free I believe if you could get a ticket and when I took him to a French puppet show it was inexpensive for kids and I let him buy a $2 candy bar from the vending.

I have a friend who paid her private uber driver to take her and her daughter a half hour to a sample sale in a major city and she ended up having the uber driver sit there and wait with her in the car for over an hour while her daughter shopped for the cut rate fashion stuff then went all the way back in uber.  It would never in a million years occur to me to make that plan and spend that kind of $$$ just to go to a sample sale.  My husband would feel my head for a raging fever if I ever even mentioned that or think I was joking.  She loves that stuff -more power to her -if I'm going to spend $4-500 it's going to be on days of sightseeing in another city I guess. 

9 hours ago, JayParker said:

I'm wondering how many readers here have a *ahem* *cough" letter on [their] table; which reveals their age.

Even if you weren't snooping through his wallet (while he was asleep or in another room etc... ) you were still violating his privacy. Meanwhile, you wish to measure his behavior by a different yardstick?

I'm not dismissing this guy for his deceptive behavior, but you also deserve equal scrutiny.

He  told he left it out on purpose so he wouldn't have to tell her the truth. 

5 hours ago, jul-els said:

Yup. Oh well. I’m glad I didn’t waste much time. 

Not sure if you're up for reporting her to the site -I'm sure using the dating site for her business is a no no.  I mean I'd be tempted.  I'm sorry she treated you so disrespectfully.

9 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I hate to admit it, but I think you're right and you're spot on! I think I probably would jump at the chance to be in a relationship with him. Although I know it couldn't go anywhere because of his messed up situation with his wife. Especially knowing why he and that woman broke up after dating for a year. I don't want that for myself. I have never put up with this crap in my life. Why am I putting up with it now? I used to have several sex-only relationships while in college (before I met my husband) and these men were all over me. I never had to "beg" for sex in my life. They never made excuses, they just came over when I called them. But of course, they weren't married and didn't have a son, so that's a totally different situation entirely.

You seem inordinately focused on male attention to your sexual prowess and looks -your husband who called you beautiful daily, men who clamored to have sex with you - but this is safe- he cannot be in a relationship with you other than one where he is cheating on his wife who he is "separated" from.  He also has not chosen to divorce, heal from divorce so he can be with you.  Do you really crave male attention to your looks and sex appeal to this extent? I

Yes it is about boundaries. Obviously good sex and the thrill of an unavailable man (a man who has chosen to be unavailable to you for a relationship) can be tempting. I'd focus less on ruminating over the "why am I putting up with this crap" and simply make the choices.  Do you ruminate over why you really want to - buy  that cheesecake and eat it for dinner, tell off a friend who keeps humble bragging etc -no you just choose to  do the right thing. 

So choose to do the right thing -what is right for you emotionally and physically (obviously  you're putting your health at risk having sex with him) and walk the walk - make the harder but right choice -and ruminate later after the healthful choice -that's what a therapist is for. 

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

Well, you can look at this as a wonderful opportunity to have a great trip to Spain with a friend and some great experiences.

But, my concern is, will he be flakey? It's an international trip and it's already been his pattern to switch out people depending on his mood or whom he wants to be with that day.

So maybe just keep that in the back of your mind.

Good point. I am a person who would then travel solo and do my own thing but the OP can consider this of course. I would not pay the organizer if possible - pay for the trip on your own.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Right. Yes, I always appreciated those types of outings when I was a child.

Certainly have fond memories of that. Holidays though can be despairing and torturous!! Certainly lack the lovely gauze of nostalgia.

I mean, there is a reason people say they need a vacation following a vacation, right?

As much as I enjoyed traveling with parents as a youngster, I appreciated the at home simplicity of chicken pot pies or my Mom making mac and cheese with fish sticks and us all gathered around watching a movie and setting up a tent or playing with light sabers or making a craft.

Walking down the street in the neighborhood with gas lit lanterns to grab some Italian shaved ice.

These were the memories that stuck with me...

But I do love the concept of exposing children to different cultures, customs, and ways of life.

I'm glad that you and your husband are finding a good balance in your travels.  And hey, if they ever need a break, there's always perhaps a backyard oasis waiting for you at home! 😉 

I do it by not calling it a vacation for me. Because it is not.  We do and have done and will do tons of simple stuff- I never overscheduled him as a child and I was a SAHM till he was 7.5.  He didn't take classes or do structured activities to the extent I saw around me- we live in a diverse city down the block from a park like New York's central park and we were there almost daily at one of the playgrounds, feeding the ducks, just walking around - we walked over to the local museum to look at art or do art or go to the playroom.  We went to the children's library and looked at books or did stuff there. 

But he also went to Paris when he was 7 and saw famous churches and art, exclaimed over nude male sculptures lol and subways and a puppet show in French, he went to Portugal when he was a tween and got lost with me on various modes of public transportation and went on boat rides at age 9 in Stockholm and saw cows and centuries old universities in Cambridge last summer and went to the theater in London.

  And got to see Justice Ginsberg speak months before she passed away in 2020.  And on and on. And it was exhausting for me and so rewarding too. And still is as we plan more travels many involving my husband's business travels.  Again I respect all parents' choices on how they choose to plan -or not plan! -their children's lives, schooling, playing, sports -whatever - this is how we do it. (And we only have one child!). 

14 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

You were probably better off too. 😆

Oh we were jealous since it was really just in our area that it wasn't available while friends who lived in the burbs had it!

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

There is a way to show a woman that you're attracted to her without being sleezy about it. Like your age is some kind of fetish or something.

I don't think he was trying to show her he was attracted to her.  He didn't care what sort of impression he made in that  way. He was trying to get laid by his customer.  This has nothing to do with one person interacting with another person in any date like or potential date like context.  

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

No. He wanted it. He was trying to work out when to come down at weekends and that’s one of the big factors. She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run. 

So it sounds like logistics were the main issue.  That's nice she wanted to watch you run. You watched her try to run back to him.

Someone who wants to be with you and only you will state it positively.  Not "and I won't cheat on you".  Why? Because someone who really wants to be with you will be excited about it - in a positive frame of mind! 

And yes if  you have to convince someone to be with you, to invite you places - that's not a  good sign.  Good lessons for the future in the posts above.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I hear you, sister! Holidays are overrated and exhausting.

All that packing, planning, and dealing with family drama is just not my cup of tea. I much prefer my own little oasis at home, where I can nest and relax without worrying about anything else (my backyard, which I've shared pics with you). Being surrounded by familiar things and not having to constantly think about what to do next is pure bliss.

So no, you're not a grumpy diva – you're just someone who knows what she likes and doesn't like, and that's perfectly fine. Here's to staying home and enjoying life in our own way! Cheers!

Me too! But as a parent I've decided my son should see the world as much as possible so I suck it up for his benefit.  Other parents don't prioritize this and prioritize other things.  I do love to travel aside from the family stuff -I also love to see the world but need a balance with staycations too.  Now that my son is older my husband has started taking him on trips without me which is fabulous.