Batya33

I think sending that sort of message and immediately blocking sends the message that you're hiding behind a screen.  And lets him dismiss his role or any reflection on what might have happened because when the person sending the message goes to that length to block he's entitled to assume you have issues and not take the message with any seriousness (even if in reality you do not -but that's the impression)

I met my husband at work originally.  In the mid 1990s.  It worked because we worked in different departments, different floors, large company, same level -no supervisory differences.  We met at three separate work events over a 9 month period. I approached him at the first one -his first day of work - and we approached each other at the happy hour/cocktail hours preceding the next two.  I think it can work. I'd avoid interacting with that coworker who is "teasing" as he seems  to be a potential troublemaker. If you like this coworker ask her out but discreetly and not where troublemaker coworker can find out.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She's not "using* you, but it does seem you've grown apart from "back in the day" and she  made some new friends. That's ok.

All you can do is step back a bit and strengthen your other friendships. People grow apart over the years. Perhaps her interests or priorities changed such as a new BF, job, etc.

I agree with this. You feel what you feel but giving in to this pity party of being used might hamper your abilities to form new friendships -bitterness, etc.  When you gave her support did you expect something in return as her friend?

It's very hard when friendships change or fade. Perhaps now that she lives close by she's worried you'll be needy/try to monopolize her time.

40 minutes ago, Charlotte mphela said:

Would you participate in fun, meaningful and exclusive speed dating events aimed at finding you the perfect partner? 

I chose not to when I was dating because I already was doing so many activities and ways of finding a good match for me for marriage and family.  I was looking for someone perfect for me not perfection.  Speed dating would not have been fun for me in that  way but a means to an end.  Social interactions that are fun to me are one on one catch ups with a close friend, shared activities with friends or a group like long walks, hikes, trying a new place for a meal, traveling to a new place or country, volunteering with a group, a book club, etc.  Speed dating would not have been meaningful to me personally. 

I don't think the organizers should claim they can aim at finding anyone the perfect partner because it wholly depends on who shows up and why.  I loved the Sex and the City episode when Miranda tried it -she  told him she was a flight attendant and he  told her he was a doctor but it all unraveled on a second or third date when she cut her finger badly and he balked at the sight of blood lol.  

I'd watch the feet mostly and not the lips unless he says he's not ready for a relationship (with you).  Sometimes couples don't have the talk -it's understood -but if one person is a "the talk" person the other person trips all over themselves to confirm that -of course -you two are a couple.  Actions -making future plans that are real -time and place -whether holidays or meeting family or attending a work event where families are included. Including you in most of his plans with rare exception -like if an old buddy is in town and they want to catch up and reminisce maybe no spouses/SOs. Actions - stepping up if you're not feeling well or a family member you care for.

I'd put little stock in expressing "feelings" or compliments about what you look like.  That may or may not be indicative of wanting a serious relationship with you.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Learn to use "comma" properly because reading this was painful.

Anyway, he doesnt "hold" you. You are holding yourself with somebody who clearly is fine with "status quo" and doesnt care if he gets married or has kids. And you clearly do. So yes, its time to leave.

Yes and particularly given your ticking clock (can you freeze your eggs) I'd make the choice to leave soon as possible.

3 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I try not to have a problem with it, he’s been having family problems and he does this when he can’t handle his life problems, drinks till he blacks out. I was on holiday with my family and not there to support him. I try not to have a problem with it but his friends are all disloyal to their girlfriends so I feel insecure sometimes but I try to not have a problem with it and give him his freedom. I always encourage him to open up. I have little hope because I’m a very honest person and I predict a break up already but I feel like I keep blaming myself recently and I don’t know what to do.

But you're not encouraging him to open up -you're his jailer/momma.  Also you don't know what goes on in relationships -maybe the girlfriends don't mind because they are disloyal too?

Two people have to want to save a relationship and if he thought going clubbing and choosing to get drunk till he blacks out was negatively affecting the relationship he'd choose to stop on his own and/or get help to stop drinking/his potential alcoholism. If he wants to drink he'll find a way- in secret maybe right in the house and/or he'll find ways to flirt/sex with other women online, etc

I agree with the above.  Also are you going to Alanon meetings? Since he has food service experience why can't he get a job for now in the hospitality/restaurant industry -perhaps with health insurance benefits so he can return to therapy? Might not be his purpose but will serve other purposes.

1 hour ago, blue_night said:

Yes, it is true. I have been thinking about our incompatibilities for a while already, and this made everything 10 times worse...I should probably just set him free as I feel I'm developing resentment and it is not okay at all, especially considering we've been together for only 10 months and this should be the honeymoon phase of the relationship...

Many years ago in my 20s I dated a man who was a great catch on paper. And very negative /cynical. My age. About a year into our serious relationship with marriage talk I showed him proudly a class picture of the students for whom I’d been a student teacher for a couple of months. I was in the class photo too. He knew 100% how committed I was to being their student teacher. they were “my kids” so to speak. I spoke of them all the time and my work and my admiration for their teacher.

The first thing he said when he looked at the class photo was to make a race-based remark about the students - and yes racist. I believe he finally lamely apologized but in general he was very dismissive and condescending  
 

I wish I’d known then what I know now - that combined with all the other constant negative and narrow minded remarks he was not for me. Instead I stayed and was briefly engaged to him and thank goodness realized right away that I was settling and broke it off. But at my age I thought I loved him and was so desperate to be married like my friends were doing and have babies. Desperate makes for poor choices as does “but I love him “

I would not try to convince him to marry you including with an ultimatum. My suggestion of going to him after your internal deadline expires was simply to state that you are leaving and potentially would be open to marriage if he comes to you and you’re still interested and available. If he proposes mostly out of fear of losing you it’s not going to stick or not stick in a healthy way IMO. 

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have an idea.   Instead of continuing to trash him, why don't you simply break up with him? 

I don't mean for that to sound snarky but you've spent the better part of this thread detailing qualities that, in your opinion, are rather disturbing.

So why are you still there?  At worst he's a twisted sociopath, at best you're simply NOT compatible.

I don't get it, why not just wish him well and walk away?

Yes?  No?

 

I agree -it sounds like this situation triggered you to remember and focus on the other situations where he has shown a side of him that is not compatible with you.  The "but I love him" seems to be focused on his other side.  But if you commit to him long term you're marrying all sides.

How old are each of you? I would assume that you watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says.  His actions don't match his words.  If you knew he would never marry you how long would you stay? Figure that out and at your internal deadline tell him "I am leaving for now because we want different things -your actions tell me that.  If you ever change your mind you can call me but please do not unless you change your mind. Then if I'm still interested and available we can talk."

Also what was each of your purposes in living together before being engaged?

Also a person who wants to marry you most likely wouldn't share with you that he'd be happy with or without you.

41 minutes ago, BeckyBB said:

The receipt was from a few weeks before we moved in. So unless it was for a side chick it must be mine.

I'll say yes, no matter when he asks. I definitely want to marry him, I just need time. And I think he'll understand that. 

I would say yes you intend to marry him and have in mind how much time you think you need to get married -then you can set the date-the month -in advance -but if you don't know how much time I'd not get engaged until you know that time frame.  I think he'll understand and also you have no idea when he plans on proposing.  Had you looked at rings already -or he knows what you want -or that you don't care what it looks like? Does he have  your ring size?

When you do feel a click is it often because the man is a challenge in some way - acting more distant than one should be when trying to get to know someone? Bragging or oversharing or humble bragging about how other women want him?

I went on many one and done first dates and first meets. Also if a man asks to see  you again but doesn't set a time and place -assume there is no next date unless and until he follows up with a time and place date.  It's  the equivalent of "yeah we should get coffee sometime!"  (which I try never  to say to a new friend/potential friend unless I mean to make a plan).  

I think it's unrealistic to expect a text unless the person says "I'll text you soon to make a plan" 

5 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You are a 21 year old adult.  It's OK to feel abandoned but you can't stop your mother from pursuing her dream. 

There are wonderful ways to keep in touch & you can always travel to see each other.  

You may find this to be a wonderful growth opportunity for you both

Yes I wanted to add your feelings are your feelings! I'm 57 and when I was in my 40s I couldn't stand when my mom seemed to favor my sister -again - even though we were in our 40s/early 50s and hanging out at my apartment lol.  Parent-child is complicated!

Agree with Kwok.  I personally would not get engaged unless you're ready to set a wedding date. With rare exceptions like teenagers/still finishing college etc.  Also you live together so when you two start talking about the future simply share that you're not quite ready to get engaged given that it's not a year together yet and you personally find that too fast.

People who routinely share with me lifestyle changes they need to and plan to make - one friend in particular - around my age, mom of teens. Getting a part time job, exercising, eating better, reading more. Then just as fast the lame excuses as to why it’s not possible or when she will implement the plan - meaning timing “after (spring break/ baseball season / graduation etc) “. Never has not one plan. I NEVER comment or give input. She did ask once - how to start a job search. Seemed appreciative of my suggestions. I never followed up and also told her point blank I wasn’t going to give input on starting an exercise routine since it’s so individual. So I stay in my lane and silent and simply and blandly acknowledge her plan. And make no comments about my way of doing things lest it imply judgment. And. Really annoying all the talk and none of the walk. 

1 hour ago, Hatsuri said:

My mother had bought my phone and my father added me onto his mother’s phone line. I originally had my Uncle’s old phone and was added onto my dad’s mother’s line. 

Yes. Our son is 15. He got his phone last year. We paid for it and pay for service. He knows we can monitor it if we choose to. We rarely do but that’s the deal for many reasons we feel comfortable with. What about in your house?

Who pays for  your devices?

What if she'd asked you not to move away? I think you're overreacting -your mother -don't know her story at all just the facts that she is now an empty nester and has the flexibility to move.  Good for her!! I'm 57, our son is 15 and for the first time ever I'm not joining them on a family vacation -to Disney! -yes I checked in with my son earlier this week about my plans after all not to go.  He was good with it -taken him there twice -and the last time I was solo with him one of the days two weeks before the world locked down in 2020.  I desperately needed me time.  I don't do rides and I wasn't going to spend $$$ to get into the parks. Plus I wasn't going to do any resort related services. 

So it ended up not making sense and my husband was fine with it. So much less packing and organizing and prepping for me too - a dream.

But certain of my mom friends were judgey - I'm not doing "family time" -how many vacations till he goes to college (we're going away next month -tagging along on a business trip) - etc.  Moms get judged like this all the time -how dare we want me time, space, able to make a "selfish" decision that doesn't involve caretaking in a situation where the child is fine as you are - you don't even live there. Please try to see this from her perspective. I wrote about me because yes my decision is shorter term but "radical" given the stereotypical silly notion of Mom having to sacrifice -what do they call it these days  - "self care" for their kids. 

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I don't know that your luck has been bad.  I think you make some questionable decisions.  You are already far too emotionally invested in a long distance person you haven't met & don't know.  The fact that you set your match range so broadly is a questionable choice.  Dating locally & conventionally seems wiser to me. 

You haven't met but you are dreaming of monthly dates and having her move back to your state. You seriously need to slow down.  

I agree and if she is participating there's a big risk of a crash and burn. I would never have participated in this kind of fantasy  talk before meeting and most women I know who are looking for serious potential and reasonably healthy might meet the person but with great caution and keep it short.  Obviously anything is possible.  

Four months to me is long enough to know what his intentions are and I am surprised he didn't share that yet.  How often do you see each other? If it's about once a week then for sure ask him "what are your intentions about us?" It's a broad question but a person who wants to be with you and sees serious potential will want to make sure you know that -why would he risk you thinking otherwise and you dating others and leaving him?

All relationships require a level of risk and vulnerability.  Totally fine if the benefits are not worth the risk of him saying he wants to keep dating but not with any serious potential or whatever.  The benefits are avoiding rejection.  You are allowed to choose fear over potential closeness.  Consider whether that works for you in your life.

I think people can be themselves and work on being more open and approachable and do that while being authentic -it's about stretching not drastic changes.  In my early 30s I worked on not being too chatty -it was hard work ! - but the benefits were massive.  It was actually my future husband who pointed it out to me -in the best most genuine caring way - (even though we didn't marry for another 11 years!).  I have friends who took improv lessons and public speaking lessons to improve social and professional interactions.

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I phoned him afterwards as the message seemed rather vague. He spoke to me about it but he didn’t talk about ‘us’ or how it would affect our dating. I gathered he didn’t even know himself at this point 

so I told him ‘I appreciate how stressful this is. I’m here to talk if you need someone to talk to but I’m going to give you some space.’

I would avoid giving him the benefit of your friendship since you can't be a real friend to someone  you want to date who doesn't want to date you.  He didn't talk about "us" because he doesn't see you two as a couple so there is no such talk.  Focus on what you do know. You know he doesn't want to date you and doesn't see serious potential.

I don't think any therapist who is a professional would dare diagnose someone they don't know -heck you don't know this person either in any relevant way and have no idea if he typed that message or the whole message.  

I'm sorry you are struggling and I'm glad you are in therapy.  I hope it helps you to move on to meeting people who you meet in person ASAP or of course meeting people in real life.