Batya33

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I suppose he was attracted to me but didn’t really know what he wanted, at least that’s what I think now. 
 

sometimes I worry that the distance behave he did even meant there was no attraction there at all. I hope him kissing me wasn’t just fake on his part.

 

I agree with Ms. Canuck's input.  Whether he "knew" or "didn't know" doesn't matter -maybe to his mother, his therapist, etc - I was attracted to my ex bf much of the 7 years we were together-on and off -I loved him -and I had core shaking doubts that I chose to listen to and not proceed to engagement or marriage. I figured it out months later -an aha moment - so sure it could be he doesn't know. He does know he doesn't want to be with you in a potentially serious relationship (reread what Canuck wrote) and the rest -the "why" - is irrelevant.  

I wouldn't worry about the attraction to others or lack thereof -be proactive, put yourself out there- find ways to be around people you have stuff in common with.  And consider that your attraction is fueled when the man is challenging because he's unavailable.  Then the attraction is not to him but moreso to the thrill of the chase.  Then if you actually "win" your "prize" poof goes the attraction.

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Exactly. I never said otherwise, that’s exactly it. They’re historical wounds that close relationships (usually familial and romantic) can bring out of us. 
 

it doesn’t make the relationship bad, or the person bad, it has 0 to do with the person. They’re just the mirror. 
 

it’s a good thing if you are willing to catch the issues and fix them.
 

my issues don’t come out in run of the mill friendships because I don’t care enough. They’re different. They don’t affect me as much 

Oh ok you are a person who doesn't have close friendships where you care that much.  I think you two are oil and water if you feel like you can try to take away her phone in the situation you described.  

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes. That particular day I tried to take the phone out of her hand while she was using it because i thought she was doing something wrong.  And she got mad and said I often think I’m right and everyone else is wrong. Don’t snatch things from her space like that, it’s a boundary for her. So I said well to me I am right and am I supposed to just sit and watch you do something wrong?  Then she was like, yada yada this is what I mean, you can never admit you’re wrong. Yada yada.  And said it’s not that I can’t offer correction, but to do that constantly makes her feel I think she’s stupid or something. She asked if anyone else in my life has ever felt as she does… and I said yes, often. 
 

I told her I was kind of shocked she’s been feeling like I’m bossing her around/controlling/ etc and she clarified it’s not often, but it’s enough.  So I said that I don’t realize when I’m doing it, clearly, if it’s something she’s felt from me for some time. So I said “can you please let me know when I’m doing that” 

I mean - unless she was about to dial 911 because her UberEats was delayed and she was furious - or took a call from a known scammer and was about to give out her credit card security code - why in the world would you ever try to take someone's phone away as a reaction to something she might be doing "wrong" in your opinion? 

Yes you are supposed to sit and watch her do something "wrong" rather than try to grab her phone.  Saying something like "are you sure you want to ...." is ok - if you think she doesn't know - but otherwise -yes you let her do something "wrong"

It's because typed words have limitations especially when we're basically strangers.  And you're referring to a multilayered situation and inner situation wiht lots of 'history" you've written about.  I don't think a romantic relationship necessarily brings out any different sides of someone than a really close friendship unless the person has issues with romantic relationship or physical intimacy.  (I was fearful of saying yes to my husband about getting back together after 7 years apart -for about 60 seconds - and for some inexplicable reason saying yes to forever till death do us part at our wedding felt- natural, magical -no fear.  I mean what's more vulnerable than promising, essentially -forever? And that brought out inner peace, joy and excitement and magic - not fear/anxiety or wanting to run away.  Even though I'm type A,  tend to be more anxious about stuff than average maybe, etc.  So I don't buy that theory and I do think what's going on has something to do with your past.  Much more to do with this particular person.

He's a stranger for romantic purposes -how do  you even know he wrote that? He didn't meet you because he didn't want to so take his words in that context.  You have no idea if he was a workaholic or whether his absences were because he was wilth his wife, girlfriend, a lover.  I agree with Wiseman. I'd ignore the message and not waste time trying to analyzie it. 

It's not enough for the long term to feel a connection especially if it's with someone unavailable in some way and especially if it's early on.  It's thrilling ,exciting, feels awesome - and of course it's a real feeling.  But feelings aren't facts and most of loving is giving - not a feeling -so if you feel connected that's great but the real proof is whether that translates into two people desiring to give to each other and acting on that by their giving actions.  To me potential for the long term requires both head and heart.  

My son just called out from his video game haze "mommy!! you're my favorite!!" but in about 15 minutes when I tell him to step away from the screen and take his shower him loving me and seeing me as his favorite mother ever will NOT translate into him hopping in the shower as I asked.

But when he was 3 and not 15 and I was solo parenting and got his stomach bug he saw me sitting quietly in the rocking chair which was new to him - -I was too quiet! -  he came over and brought me a green crayon to cheer me up -true giving of love. 

When my husband and I got back together (ex fiancées) and had our first real kiss - I was totally sure he was The One - didn't tell him that but I -knew.  He knew too -what he said after told me so.  Amazing connection.  The best. 

But that's not enough and that can help carry you through the rough spots but you still have to show up for each other, think of each other and be available to laugh together, commiserate, laugh at decades old inside jokes and hold your tongue and give space even if he doesn't ask because you know he needs that -even if he didn't ask and maybe doesn't even know he does.  That's the stuff of compatibility, stick to it iveness .

Feeling all your feelings is fun and awesome and enthralling -how in the world can you "feel" so connected -it's - magic! But there's also an element of true self-absorption - focusing inward on these exciting feelings and ignoring perhaps that the object of your delight - isn't available to show up for you daily or even every couple days -not in a real way anyway. 

Finding both is so easy for some and so hard for others. i fell into the latter category for sure so please don't despair- don't settle -and don't compare to others.  

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

This is what I thought as well.

Married for awhile and I also agree with Wiseman that healthy relationships should not bring out the worst in us - and certainly not in any regular way.  I think part of this is a potentially bad match for a romantic relationship but what I would do first is decide -internally- do I want to be in a serious, committed, exclusive relationship with her -and if so -you've certainly known each other long enough to know IMO that is a conversation to be had relatively soon as I suspect a lot of the negative/stressful stuff comes from this not having any definition or structure and you waiting for the shoe to drop -she declined this date and felt the need to tell you somehow.  What about the next one?

What I do if someone is dressing or accessorizing differently or new hairstyle -if I feel like commenting I comment on the specific style or accessory "Love your new hair style" or "that's a great scarf!"

Just now, Sarah Smith said:

Yes that’s what I thought. But lately its been happening like at least once a day, and by both genders.. and when I tell them they brush it off like Im crazy.

Thats why Im wondering if Im overreacting 

What do you tell them exactly?

4 hours ago, Lena333 said:

We are both 21. I feel like I’m already past the stage of partying and i understand that he might not be but it’s fine. All I ask if to just find a compromise because he did get accused of cheating by someone else and he did lie about it and later admit to the lie. He didn’t use to go out so much and i understand he found a new group of friends and is having fun with them but it’s just left me hanging a bit behind. 

I was done with "I let him" - that comes across as wayyy too controlling.  For sure in my marriage my husband knows he needs to check in with me about evening plans because of our son - and yes at times I've said no or asked if we can then arrange for me to get a break if I'm solo parenting again.  But if he used illegal drugs or drank to excess with any regularity at all I wouldn't have tried to control that ever.  I simply wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I did date a guy who did that when we were in our 20s. I wasn't ok with it and didn't try to control him and was considering ending the relationship. 

Then there was a situation where I was there and his drinking caused me to be in a dangerous situation and him as well to a lesser extent.  After that he chose to stop partying as much.  In his 40s I believe he developed an alcohol addiction.  Partying can be harmless or can be a sign of drinking problems.  But I don't think telling him what to do is going to work.  At all.

1 hour ago, Sarah Smith said:

I keep getting comments on my body from a lot of different people. Classmates, co-workers and even friends. Many of them say straight up sexual things to me about how nice my a** is or what sexual things they would do to me. And this comes from both women and men. Is this normal?? Am I oversensitive if it makes me uncomfortable? Before, it would happen here and there so Id brush it off. But now it happens all the time, and from people I wouldn’t expect it from.

You get to create your own boundaries.  If someone makes a comment about anything about you you find rude you can - walk away, ignore, or say "I feel uncomfortable when you say that."  You own your body so you get to have the boundaries you want. 

Yesterday a teenager tried to talk to me on the subway platform. I answered his factual question then saw that he was acting in an off way so I walked down the platform. 

I believe he followed me because he then sat across from me. He randomly addressed me I ignored. He did it again and I quietly got up and walked further down and sat elsewhere.  Maybe someone else would have had fun interacting with him.  I had no interest in doing so. 

My son was the target of insensitive comments years ago by a dental hygienist about his height.  I chose to call the manager later and complain.  They ended up having a full office meeting to address the general issue.  Someone else would have thought I was being oversensitive and I didn't give a darn. 

I don't like when others comment on my body size especially at a restaurant -tying it to what I choose to eat or not (I am thin).  Others are cool with that or even feel flattered. I don't.  There's a way to calmly and firmly let others know your boundaries and I'd stop second guessing about oversensitivity unless it seems to you somehow you've totally overreacted like someone tells you they love the turquoise in your earrings and you are offended that they must be noticing how large your ears are.  

I'd advise the OP to be more other-centered next time - think about how you are choosing to deliver the message and share what you are feeling, the timing, context.  Think about how this other individual who you say you care about and want to give to -right - will likely react to this sort of sharing of feelings.  It's your thing to get it off your chest and no air needed to be cleared -he was going about his life just fine. 

Maybe journal to get out your feelings instead of sharing in the way you did -for sure if he was really into you all he would have heard was "wow she feels the same way whoo hoo!!!!" and it would have been a cute story about how you shared it.  But honestly if I wasn't quite there yet but was considering dating someone and that happened -that would give me pause - and make me concerned that the person chose to share in that way instead of let's say asking me for a date.  

3 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

At this day and age it’s very hard to believe that at one time we lived without mobile phones, Internet, and Wi-Fi. Also hard to believe that at one time that I never drank coffee. That all changed once I started working in a call center environment. It became necessary fuel to get through everything. 😆

I've enjoyed living off the grid temporarily during travels etc.  Otherwise-no thanks and it's fun to watch how others choose to live.  I had close to 2 hours extra time for me because of technology and ability to transmit a huge amount of information via email/electronically for a project deadline last Friday when 25 years ago when I did the same sort of project it often meant one of us racing by taxi to a post office or fedex to make sure the information made it to where it was going by the deadline. And having a team of people making copies. 

My mom did customer service for a major insurance company for years in the 80s and 90s and they went off the grid once -when the OJ verdict was announced - no phone calls for those couple of minutes.  These days of course you probably could do something automated or enable chat functions so people could watch if needed.  

I think there is a natural -not game playing - dance of intimacy. Especially in the beginning -some pulling back after intense closeness - not in a game way.  After an intense catch up with a close friend I hadn't spoken to by phone in years- I likely wouldn't want to be that bonded to her an hour later if she called back and would have preferred a light convo -or none.  Maybe I even wouldn't have answered the call. 

I think it's not natural -or maybe even unfair- to spill on a near stranger your baggage of past relationships which now are going to affect how you see this new person or any new person.  I think the recipient should then choose whether to take that on and accommodate. It's not the same thing as a new person saying "oh thanks so much for offering to take me to the new VR place/amusement park - I don't do rides so it's probably not right for me.  That might be a dealbreaker for some but typically there are many other options. 

When someone tells you off the bat she's choosing fear over connection in general maybe you wish her well and tell her if/when she's ready- call and let's see where we are! I think maybe the OP sees it as a challenge -maybe it fueled that "rightness" feeling.

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

Stumbled upon this documentary about people in China who live completely off the grid and relies on a self-sustainable lifestyle. Mind blown! Their resourcefulness and resilience. 

Could I survive without modern luxuries like iced coffee and 24/7 wifi? I'm a little jealous of the simplicity and connection to nature.

 

There is this series on CNBC that's kind of cool and kind of like this called Unlocked -I've watched two partial episodes -a guy who bought a no longer usable jet plane and lives in it and a family who lives full time on a boat -parents and young child.  

30 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Then an annoyance that I know I need to alert that person instead of ignoring them or blocking them out of my life. Then let’s say there’s some delay in her calling or texting me, it turns to anger like I feel angry at the fact I got this close to someone to the point they’re affecting me. 

Why are those the only two options? You don't need to alert the person or ignore.  Why can't you resolve some things on your own or with a trusted friend or like go for a run and work out the negative energy and then be with the person in a genuine way. 

44 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

here’s an example of what happens. Recently she told me my coming across as controlling and a bit narcissistic and that it’s a hard boundary for her.  I said ok, please let me know when I’m behaving like that and I’ll nip it in the bud. 
 

Convo over.  The end.  

I wouldn't put it all on her to tell you when she perceives you as acting controlling and narcissistic.  By contrast my husband's random whistling or humming along to commercials when I am eating a meal makes me crazy.  He would of course have not known this -he barely knows he's doing it -so it's ok if when he forgets or inadvertently does this I point out that he's doing it and please stop while I'm eating.  He's not thrilled I point it out but he understands it's on me since he does it like a reflex. 

By contrast I don't feel I should ever have to tell him "hey please don't tell me what to do in an arrogant, condescending way."  If it's that extreme he, an adult, should know that's not ok and know how either to prevent it -or -more rarely -apologize and realize he was hangry/stressed and overreacted -we're all human.  I think it's too burdensome to expect her to point this out each time -i get that you had a diagnosis but pusing on to her the task of pointing out extreme behavior like that doesn't seem healthy or sustainable as a relationship dynamic. 

Also if it's only 5 times over -what -a year? why is it such a big deal to you now?

I think this is pretty basic- many couples have different boundaries and approaches when it comes to sharing feelings including timing/context/choosing battles so to speak.  and I think it's essential if the couple is going to get along to respect these differences. 

I mean -isn't it also typical that men and women have gendered differences in how/when -if! - they express feelings? That need not be an issue if there is mutual respect for different approaches to sharing feelings.

Yes extremes on either end can be - always stonewalling or constantly having to talk and talk and talk about Feelings and The Relationship -can be exhausting - but I think if you recognize your tendency to stonewall that's good enough - and I don't see why it's necessary to tell her every time she's hurt you - I mean choose your battles. 

Sure if it's a big deal to you and you'll sulk and feel resentful or mopey for more than let's say -a day or two -might need to bring it up especially if it's an issue that is likely to recur.  And it's totally fine to tell her "thanks for encouraging me to tell you every time I feel "hurt" but can we agree that you'll trust me to tell you if it's something that needs to be addressed? 

Also why do you need your feelings "validated" for every "hurt" - I'm just not getting a sense that she's hurt you badly.  And if she has- and it's a regular thing that seems to keep happening consider why you are in a relationship where that is happening?

Also sounds like she's playing therapist - and it's a challenge -hmmmm he's a stonewaller -he admitted it -well I'm gonna get him to share alllll his feelings even if it feels icky!

12 minutes ago, Bene20 said:

I know so manyy younger guys with hot girls and I am all alone. I want a girlfriend but girls don't want me. I feel like I miss out on love being 20 without a girlfriend. 

You have no idea whether they are dating, in a relationship, hooking up, together in a healthy and positive way etc- are you looking for a partner - who is also a close or best friend -or a "hot girl" who you can show off as arm candy?

I understand wanting to be in touch daily when you're an established couple -that "old fashioned" approach.  But you're not a couple in that sense -at all.  Sounds a bit too insta relationship to me and I'm glad you're dialing it back.

10 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I’ve read many of English novels, Brontes and Austin’s books, also Anna Karenine and others… which are also interesting social commentaries. But I will definitely read the Age of Innocence…

I would also try Kristin Hannah's books -The Women -her latest one -and The Great Alone.  Also I hope not off topic but check out Alain De Botton book's on love and relationships -not self help -he's a philosopher.

4 hours ago, Pamalane said:

I found something many years ago that may sound trite in the midst of what you're going through yet it helped me:

I suppose the idea is that fear of this or that outcome paralyzes us from even imagining a better life yet, if we can make ourselves take a scary step in that direction, we just may find a toe-hold beyond expectation.

I think this is the sort of thing that is very individual and should only be recommended to the OP by his personal doctor or therapist.  

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think that if change your texting habits and text her less, she could think that you're less interested and pulling away. It could create some confusion in my opinion.

Yes I think consistency in texting patterns even after just 21 days is a good thing - but seeing patterns as far as what this person is like/how compatible you are/personality traits is absolutely not long enough. 

I mean sure if he was into you too - he'd have said -I feel the same way but it's a very awkward approach and he did as instructed.  It's also kind of self absorbed.  I would think if you have a crush you want to spend time with him and get to know him better so why didn't you chat with him and ask him to spend some time with you doing a fun activity?