mmmending

regardless of how it seems, a fellow human-being in need of support.. each of us has taken risks, and it is risky business being human..

you are v. honest about your feelings, what a difficult situation this must feel like for you..

there is a fearlessness in expressing so openly something that might set you up for rejection and criticism by others.. in spite your humanity, and despite your honesty, there is very little positive language around a situation such as yours, and i feel for you.. really

did your wife unilaterally stop using birth control? and was it agreed upon by both of you that she would be responsible for the BC?

hindsight is 20/20, yet it can serve as a blueprint through which to guide future experience.. we as men must, too, accept responsibility for BC.. tho' this is of little help to you now.. however, do remember this

you are definitely not a monster for feeling this way.. unsupportive of her perhaps

then again, you're both adults.. and if i understand your post correctly, it seems as tho' she knew of your choice to wish not to have children.. so remember you are one of a party of two adults..

i would really urge you to seek professional counselling around this.. i can hear the trauma in your post and really, really believe that you need to let this out and speak with someone professionally who can guide you through these feelings

good luck..

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you every where

like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~

(Words From Under the Words: Selected Poems)

okay.. you left this post about 9 days ago.. do you still feel this way with the same intensity?

i used to feel very rueful about the fact that things change, now i totally love it that this is so

[...] My loneliness has been grating on me for a few months now. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes it's just a dull feeling in the back of my mind. But it's always there. [...]

I feel like my pain comes from an inability to accept myself…to love myself. On some level I feel like I need to be with someone to validate myself…to prove that I'm a valuable person—a worthy person.

v. thoughtful post.. you opened up something for me here that i've had a hard time coming up against

the feeling of unworthiness is so grinding.. at times, i am aware of consciously feeling it, at others i see in retrospect that my actions have been motivated by a sense of unworthiness..

without hijacking your post, i'd like to say that when i first came to this site, i lurked for a few weeks, then registered, but didn't post for a couple of months after having done so..

i see that i am very willing to offer advice, but at the same time only let out in dribs and drabs "why i am here"

i've been really wondering why this is so.. offline, i'm an open person, a very open person even.. gregarious, lots of energy, i'm interested in things, get involved.. i like people

in the break up with my lover something really dropped inside of me.. i was/am so in love with this person, and she with me.. for reasons (suffice it to say), i initiated the break up, but she is the enforcer of NC..

i spoke to her over the phone about a month ago.. in that conversation she said "if you really love me, never call me ever again".. my reaction to this went way beyond denial, or numbness.. i literally could not understand what i was hearing.. i love her, am in love with her and this is my love.. my love is my love

so, unworthiness.. in those ten words spoken to me, that this person is unwilling or now unable to receive my love, i cannot, in any genuine reckoning, (yet) grasp that this unwillingness, or inability is in no way a reflection upon the worthiness of the love..

conceptually i get it.. affectively, i'm sooo not there

thank you for posting

...

I'd have to kiss you to give you my diagnosis.

~*strokes chin and muses over the concept of "kissing diagnostics"*~

...Just asking cos i'm feeling it with someone...and want to know if it's in my head that he feels the same..

create an opportunity in which to find out, let things develop, ask him.. then you'll know..

if you find it is one-sided, then this situation may serve as information for you in the future..

if you discover it is mutual, then this will affirm trust in your instincts/intuition -and- will be the pathway to a hopefully loving adventure..

good luck

touching, moving, poignant, honest, vulnerable..

with fearlessness like yours, how could dyslexia ever, EVER.. be a barrier for you..

such a gift, thank you!!!

...the old age question do u believe in love at first sight?

absolutely.. have experienced it..

i can also see that to those for whom it hasn't happened, it might seem like magical thinking..

tho' if you've ever felt it, and lived it with somebody it is a very tender state of being in love.. the chemistry, connection, wavelength.. however you choose to describe it, it's somewhat like trying to put your finger on a given point in a swirling fractal: it's not something you can so much do, as simply know it is truly there

Also do u believe one can fall in love with someone and that person doesn't feel for u the same way?

personally, this has not been my experience, yet it seems to be a sort of archetypal condition.. Cyrano de Bergerac, Echo in the myth of Narcissus come to mind

Thanks guys, I know I'll be OK, I just have to stop this tape that keeps repeating over and over in my head.

please be easy on yourself with this.. the tape may need to run its course.. someone for whom i have a lot of respect, affection, admiration said to me once 'asking your mind to stop "thinking" is like asking your body to stop producing enzymes.. it's impossible, it can't happen.. this is what the mind does' .. yep! sometimes (with skill, patience, awareness) there is catharsis in letting the tape run

the thing to be mindful of is not to let yourself indulge in the content, nor in any of the barbs and personal criticisms it may contain.. remind yourself not to make or solidify any decisions about yourself based on it.. too, it is memory, and has passed through the filter of any manner of "idea" (read: things that by their very nature simply pass) which may not necessarily be supportive or constructive.. people, we, i - all build cases in an attempt to give substance to opinions, to fortify positions and so forth and this creates such separation - most often from ourselves! - fuelling very difficult feelings such as lonliness.. when you are able, see this for what it is; getting stuck in the story is less letting the tape run, than playing the broken record

Already good things have happened that would have not happened if I was still with my ex, I guess I'm just lonley, I don't know if I really miss him persay, cause when I was with him I was miserable. He's one of those guys who looks good on paper, good job, has a house, seemingly has it all together, then you get sucked in and he starts to play elementary games. I doubt that I was the first person he dated that his game playing affected. He said he never had a relationship like the one he had with me

beeeeautifulllll!!! .. this, old friend, is the voice of compassion.. those things you have noted about your ex are less a statement of him than an acknowledgement of you.. a permission for you to be yourself, and of the worthiness of you to live in your personal dignity.. so fine!!!

so true.. beautifully stated

...Then I proceed to tell her that I still cared for her deeply and missed what we had ... She told me she was dumbfounded that I still felt this way because I'd never told her. I asked her if she'd consider us seeing each other again to which she answered probably not the way we were but she did tell me that she still wanted to get together with me.

about to get a bit clever with the language, but here goes.. did you miss what you "had"? or did you panic that you might not have again what was there for both of you on that particular date..

you see (and we all know this), that whistfulness that is "what we had", this is so infused and embellished with a folkloric mythological quality that there is no way to authentically know what any of us "had".. it is so tinged with the rose- or fecal coloured glasses, it is very hard to separate fact from fiction

my sense is, in those tender moments of that date, you became aware of "hey, this is good.. now!"

on the date, i do not believe you blew it at all.. in fact, you likely got it very right.. consider what she actually said to you..

on the date, she was "dumbfounded" by what you said to her.. this suggests to me, that in the past, either (a)you may have been inexpressive of your feelings in a way that was meaningful to her, or, (b) she wasn't "hearing" you.. between then (ie-the relationship as it was) and now something has shifted to the positive

to me, a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place.. "probably not in the way [you] were" is not "no!".. rather, it is a kindly invitation to tweak matters in a way that may free both of you from that conditioned, attached, rigidly patterned way of doing things that may well have led to your separation in the first place

i'd be inclined to proceed with an open heart, it sounds as tho' the communication is on a good footing.. stay with that.. remind yourself of the harm by acting out of any sense of urgency

good luck!

..yes..

you feel "set back", for now at least.. but this is not a solid-state version of you.. you "are" not set back

following the dharmic flavour of your signature, and of scout's reminder to you of the wisdom inherent in it, ponder this one:

If we gain something, it was there from the beginning.

If we lose anything, it is hidden nearby

-Ryokan

you are likely only "set back" to the extent that what is wonderful about you is momentarily not apparent to you.. but this wonderfulness hasn't really gone anywhere

your ex has what sounds like a mean streak, issues of control and low EQ.. bottom line his behaviour points to an abusive tendency..

it is irrational to expect you to be accountable for what is ultimately his jealousy..

it also sounds as though he has tried to create a condition in which you appear to be the bad guy - ie.. blah, blah, blah he is going out to hang with his friends, and your neediness is impinging on his freedom.. his not wanting to talk about it is the enforcement of a bogus boundary.. i'm catching that unmistakeable whiff of emotional dishonesty, blackmail, even..

re: the false accusations of infidelity, it is sort of like that low-rent fallacy of logic/rhetoric - "when did you stop beating your wife, mr. smith?" ..

by the very asking of this, you find yourself in the dubious position of having to defend something that has no basis in your personal reality.. AND - the very act of defending creates an implicit scrutiny of your credibility and sincerity.. simply put, you're buggered

as for the "i dumped him, and i'm miserable".. i not sure that this is the true cause and effect.. i believe you feel miserable because you got ambushed, my friend..

by wishing to speak with him to bring clarity around something that was upsetting you, it seems to me that you acted out of healthy self-esteem.. he, for his part, used your affection for him as the context to rough you up.. this is how i read it

i think you made a choice out of personal dignity (not pride), one that will improve your quality of life..

having said that, i, too, initiated the break up with my ex, and 4 1/2 months later also feel miserable, so in all honesty, i can only commiserate with you in this

be easy on yourself

put down? or did you feel judged and scrutinized?.. feel your "worth" being measured and evaluated?

what happened?

Grief is a really rough thing to go through. I completely sympathize.

 

Remember that this is not your fault, and regardless of what happens she knows you love her.

what a beautiful sentiment, such kindness

really let yourself take these words to heart, cokemachine.. you need a little of this now

go easy on yourself

you sound very isolated in this and you deserve to be happy, and posting here signals that you want to be happy.. by posting here, you've already done most of the work, and give yourself credit for doing so

if you are in USA, look at this page: link removed

call 1 800 273 8255

if you are in Canada, look here:

link removed

call 1 800 668 6868

describe to the counsellor on the other end of the line what you have described here.. tell the person straight up "i need help" .. and get help

it sounds easy for me to say, but there is no overwhelming problem, either real or perceived that cannot be gotten beyond, and i wouldn't expect you to believe it, unless i hadn't seen this phenom. with my own eyes

you are an athlete, and understand the meaning of training, practice and coaching.. you just need a little training, practice and coaching with those worries that have really gotten you down

there are good people out there who can help, and who know how to keep it real.. give them a chance and please call the numbers i've listed

what is co-dependant? sorry if i sound dumb lol

link removed

I was absolutely devastated for many reasons. There was no warmth or personality in his last email. There was no saying that our relationship was meaningful to him any way. He did not say anything like good luck in the future. Since I didn't know at the time that was going to be his last email I did not say all of the things I wanted to say in my final reply.

your post is so poignant, with a clarity and ease of expression..

i felt that dull ache, and heavy feeling in my chest when i read the paragraph quoted above.. what you described so well i, too, have experienced after a fashion.. it's hard

i hope you find comfort soon.. be gentle with yourself

this seems like hard stuff.. my heart goes out to you..

you come accross as very honest with yourself, and aware of what you do, accountable, thoughtful..

when i read your reply i sort of got that sinking feeling that disconnection of the service was a gesture of "this is really over" towards your ex.. it seemed sad, cause for reflection

if i came accross too strong in my post, i'm sorry..

pls take good care and go easy on yourself

you gave her fair warning, just over two month's.. you had also mentioned that when the issue came up prior to full blown NC, that she would somehow convince you, or "manipulate" you not to take action, so you clearly have shown some leniency and generosity in this..

speaking from experience, i can rationalize, justify, build a case around just about anything i do (i am highly accomplished at this *ahem*), however, when my conscience has any pang or doubt over actions taken, it is often (not always) when my intentions behind them may not have been completely on the level, or where i'm giving in to my lesser instincts.. this is where i get into trouble, and the boardroom of critics and backseat drivers who chatter away inside have a fieldday with this

you ask whether your actions were "petty and vindictive or appropriate?".. wow! this is harsh, these are harsh words.. you are really laying a number on yourself in how you characterize your actions, actions which at this point, are moot.. it's done, but you are still being hard on yourself

my suggestion to you: frame the question in a way that speaks to your higher instincts.. "did you act out of conscience and good intention?"

this sounds like a question from the heart, whose answer is solely for the heart

i love this question!

speaking about my ex lover.. about three months after meeting her, i came to see that i hadn't been 'in love' since my first long-term relationship.. at the time this was a huge insight for me, it was a real "oh?!" (not "aha!", but close *hear: that slightly-blind-sided-sing-song-unexpected-discovery voice*).. i had lived in the love-the-one-your-with mode for years

i 'knew" as i felt the thrill of walking around with that loving presense of her inside of me.. i've never mentioned this to anybody before, but i even loved the sound of her name and would sometimes just say it quietly to myself

the "knowing" came especially when doing those day-in-the-life things together.. there was a timeless aspect to them.. shopping, the dishes, sitting silently in the car eating apples and listening to the rain on the car's roof.. we shared a lot of presense together

i see the original post is more than two years old, and hopefully in that time either your bf has seen the error of his ways, or perhaps you have moved onto greener pastures..

moot point.. the number of previous partners is irrelevant (as you noted).. in fact this has the whiff of a smoke screen.. whatever the basis of his resistance, just sounds like he's dumping as an avoidance tactic

did you bring to his attention that old addage "you've gotta give good head to get good head!" ??

sounds like you're doing your bit, and *ahem* bf needs to get busy developing his jaw muscles and learning to breathe through his ears

I think people with more balanced temperments size up what situations are worth their thought and which aren't.

for many of us, this is likely what really is at issue.. we attempt to "think' our experience rather than live it..

i remember once watching a friend taking another friend to task on something and at one point leaned forward exasperated and said something like "you've invented this reality in words and all you're doing is talking about the words!!!".. this stayed with me as it seemed really insightful

pause for a moment and see if what in fact you're reacting to is something you've actually lived or are living, or is it something that you've anticipated, or constructed in your mind..

i see myself reacting to any manner of passing mind states which if i really look at them, have nothing to do with actual experience/living.. it's just thinking..

all that is really happening is me spinning off into some story that exists only in my mind.. i try to control my experience.. in the end all i can genuinely do is live it

at the same time, i'm not advocating that a person go about their business without thoughtful reflection

the great wisdom in dako's advice about doing nothing, is that it gives pause for reflection to see what "really" is going on.. no one ever remembers what you didn't do

unsolicited matchmaking seems on par with unsolicited advice.. all about control, in my view