Nescafe

Your story sounds very similar to mine, in that I also developed a lot of insecurities about my ex but was hurt by the fact that she never tried to make an effort to want to travel to see me or do even the smallest things to make me happy. In fact, that lack of effort on her part was what really bothered me the most - not even bothering to e-mail or message me when I would do it constantly for her. I noticed you said "took out your insecurities" on him. Does this mean you immediately started to argue about your worries with him? If so, was this fair to him? I was always conscious about getting into arguments about insecurities because I'm sure they almost always proved unfounded. Or did you try to calmly discuss your concerns with him? Is he the type of person who is willing to listen and make efforts to address them? If so, a frank, calm discussion between the two of you about insecurities would be good. Your comments about him not doing things for you really hits home. I would never say a person can't change his or her behaviour and become learned in sensitivities but I would say the person probably won't change their behaviour despite all your best wishes. You either instinctively recognize the signals or you don't. I don't know if you've talked with him about it - if not you should. Give him a chance to change - he might if he cares enough about you. Do the two of you communicate well? My final bit of advice would be this - actions speak louder than words.

whitelilly wrote: >Long distance relationships do not work, unless one person is going to move in the end. Trust me, I've been there. They cause a lot of pain, and they are extremely hard to get over. If the end goal is a permanent relationship (marriage) then whitelilly is correct. Unless one or both of you are willing to move then it is not going to work. This is one of the major reasons why my relationship failed, so I can say also that I've been there and done that. Ditto for the second statement. This is the hardest breakup I've ever had to deal with, and I'm still trying to deal with it. It is much more difficult than any local relationship I've had, for a lot of reasons. For one thing, the excitement of knowing and being close to someone in a totally different environment (in my case culture and country as well) was intoxicating and addicting. It gave me a total high to know that I was going out with someone from such an exotic place - in fact I remarked several times to her that it was like a fairytale and a dream. Well, the dream was a high like I'd never experienced but the fall was worse. Bottom line is you need a clear commitment from both sides (ACTION not just words) to make it happen, otherwise it won't work. The insecurities are a big problem too. Wondering and worrying if the other person was cheating on you. At times it drove me mental. You have to be prepared to deal with this, and find ways to avoid it if you know this is going to be a problem. The final thing I would say is have a timeline when you both will meet. It killed me when I found out my girlfriend wasn't going to visit me in my country when I had already travelled twice overseas to see her. Unless you both share the duties of the relationship it's quickly going to become one-sided and then it was exhaust you. Long distance relationships can work - they're not impossible. But it takes a lot of planning, a huge amount of commitment, complete trust in one another and I would say you both should be friends first. Be aware too that if they go bad they can be extremely painful to get over. I'm going through it right now - it's not fun.

Hey Trish... I've been in a long distance relationship, a VERY long distance relationship (Canada-Egypt) for more than four years. It ended in just the last two weeks or so, and it didn't end well. In fact it was terribly painful for me and I'm still trying to recover from it. The paranoia and insecurities you mentioned in your post were EXACTLY the concerns I had in my relationship. At some points it got so bad I would just phone her up just to see if some guy would answer the phone. I didn't handle my insecurities well, however I was able to overcome them because the one thing we had that is absolutely critical in a long distance relationship is trust. If you do not completely trust your partner, and you are prone or vulnerable to insecurities, I would cut it off immediately, otherwise you risk having to deal with a lot of mental anguish. If you are serious about making the relationship work, I have some other advice for you. First of all, one of you is going to have to move. You need something to work towards, to progress the relationship, otherwise it won't go anywhere. In the meantime, however, both of you are going to have to make plans to see each other, ie. you travel to see him and he travels to see you on a regular basis. This might sound redundant to you but I can't emphasize how important that is to build trust. The single biggest problem I had though was dealing with the insecurities you were talking about. Sometime it would drive me crazy wondering if she was cheating on me. You have to talk and be very blunt with each other. I can't emphasize enough if you don't trust each other completely it will be extremely difficult to make it work. A long distance relationship is very difficult to make work, especially the farther away you are. I was SURE that I could do it, but despite my best efforts it just didn't happen. I hope things work out for you, and hopefully what I've said can help educate you.

I envy you that you have found someone who seems as interested in you as you are in her. I would say follow your heart but also listen to that little voice inside of you too that should be there resisting all the overwhelmingly wonderful feelings flowing from your heart. I don't know how much of a sensitive you are, but that voice can save you if you listen to it. As someone who is just recovering from a very painful long distance breakup, I would suggest that you both make sure you aren't holding back any deep dark secrets if you want to make this work. My best advice to make it succeed is being perfectly frank with each other. If you have questions of her ask them, and don't be afraid, even if they seem uncomfortable to you. Honesty builds trust and that's the foundation of a long lasting relationship.