a beautiful disaster

Sounds like your friend needs lots of help. Lucky for her she has a person who really cares for her- kudos to you for being a wonderful friend! But unfortunately it is very hard to prove a rape case the longer it goes unreported (physical evidence diminishes almost completely). Yes, I think she should still attempt to put him behind bars, but it would be a very hard emotional experience for her to go through. I think what she needs to do first is get some help for herself, like from a counsellor or therapist. She is letting this experience destroy her, and she desperately needs to heal from this! She needs to see that this wasn't her fault. Do her parents know, or another adult? Encourage her to speak to a counsellor or her parents, or she can call the rape hotline and ask for their assistance (1-800-656-HOPE). They can find help for her (counselling etc. . .) in her area. Good luck, and just remember that she needs your support right now more than ever!

RayKay- I know you, Hope, and Annie are right. My mother probably said that to me because she doesn't like religion much. She is the same religion as me, but she gets mad when people "take it too far" and she doesn't like the fact that I am so serious about it. So I guess her advice did seem a little rediculous, and I shouldn't have taken it that seriously, but she is my mother and I wanted to believe her advice over anyone else's. But about everything else- my boyfriend only told me about the fantasies because he wants there to be no secrets between us, and he wants help. He told me because he knows it is wrong and he scares himself sometimes. He has told me that he doesn't even want to be alone sometimes, because he starts thinking terrible things that make him feel like he's insane. He told me because he wants me to know the extent of his problem. I know that rape is about control, but I don't think he has control issues like a regular abuser. I know some of the stuff he does says the opposite (like having to work at the same place/same hours as me) but I think that has to do more with the fact that he just doesn't like being without me. But I feel that since it is so early on in our relationship, there is hope to turn things around before it gets really bad. I love him and I am willing to try that. If it gets worse, I will realize that he is not changing and I will leave for good. But he wants to change, and I now know that professional help is the only answer. He has already admitted that he has a serious problem and it is not right to think the way he does. I feel that, like a cancer or something, we have "caught this early" and can cure it. If I do not see marked improvements after the counselling is over, of course I will have no choice but to leave him. And I will. Trust me. I have heard too many bad things. I have put up with his behavior for a long time because I love him. This is our "last chance" in a way, and he knows that. He knows he will lose me if he does not change, which is why he is getting help. I promise I will leave if things worsen. I promise it to myself, to him, and to you guys So please don't worry. I feel so guilty about you guys worrying. . . . I promise I am in control of this situation.

This is what my mother said, so I am just going to repeat her: She told me that guys will say and think those things at some point. She said that she thinks I am driving him sexually crazy and should probably just have sex with him if I have such a problem with him saying those things. Both my mother and my sister told me it was normal for a guy to think like that at some point. Not to sound disrespectful of your opinion or anything, (in fact I really appreciate that you are still reading this after everything!), but my mother has had a ton of relationships (none were abusive) and my sister knows more about guys than I do (this is my first boyfriend and I am nineteen!) And neither of them have been in relationships that were scary and/or abusive, and my mom says that guys think like that if they get really frustrated about not being able to have sex.

Well, I see your point. But I do not think he would lie to me about this. He is just as concerned for himself as I am, and it's not just me who's pushing him to change. I don't think he'd be so desperate as to lie to me about making me stay with him. Apparently, my being there is just something that will make things a little easier. He is a lot of things, but I don't think he's a liar. Of course, it did make me a little uneasy because I do not know what he told the counsellor, and I would really like her to hear my side of the story. I am trying to arrange a session where I can be there also. He told her about his sexual fantasies (I'm pretty sure the violent ones) and her advice to him was excersise! Lol. So I don't know what that will do. But I guess we are desperate here. Do you guys think that is good advice? I was a little like "WHAT?" when he told me that. Is it supposed to weaken his libido or something?? We both just laughed about it. Do you know what it would help or why she would say that? It just confused me really bad. Other than that though, she told him he needs to change his perceptions and stop seeing the negative side of things to deal with his anger, which is something I know he will try to work at. After all, this is only the first session. I do not really think this situation will grow to be very serious. Some of you have said that I am being abused, but I do not think he is being abusive to me right now. Could you tell me what signs in his behavior, as of now, are directly being "abusive" to me? Yes, I deffinately see the warning signs in the relationship, but I believe it is early enough to stop *actual* abuse from starting. If someone could answer that excersise question for me, and the other one too, that would be really helpful!

Lakergal: Lol. No, his name starts with a T. But thanks for your reply. It was really helpful to hear your story (I am so glad you got away from that guy! He sounds like way more a jerk than my boyfriend! I feel awful that you had to put up with that for so long hun!). In other news, today my boyfriend had his first of six counselling sessions. He told the counsellor almost everything about our relationship and got her opinion. According to her, we need to work out our problems together, and leaving him why he is getting help wasn't necessarily the best approach by me. So I guess that's where I'm at today. Already I could notice a little change in him. He seemed a lot happier and more into solving his problems, rather than waiting around for people to solve them for him. He was of course being really sweet to me after all he said yesterday, but I expected that! That's how it's always been, but it still made me feel hopeful. He told me what the counsellor said, and she seems really smart and gives him good advice. Also, I called the National Domestic Violence hotline from a payphone and told them our story. They thought it was serious, but when I asked if he could change through the counselling, they said it was possible. So I feel hopeful. I believe he really wants to change and will do his best at trying. I just hope after the sessions are over, he sticks with it! Thank you so much, once again, everyone!

Why don't you try calling a hotline? It can help so much to have someone just listen to you and offer solutions without judging you. I suggest calling the National Hopeline Network (link removed). You can call even if you are only feeling depressed, or if you are seriously considering ending your life. They have counsellors there you can talk to, and they give referals to help in your area (if that's something you want to pursue). And it's anonymous. The number is: 1-800-SUICIDE. You really don't have to be alone. Talking about things can help tremendously. Good luck, and hang in there!

Just a note (in reply to DragonGirl724)- I have not given up. But I won't leave him when he is having such a bad time. He is under a tremendous amount of stress. He has told me that next week will be the worst week of his life- (and I won't go into detail about his problems because I don't know if he'd want me to share them), but I believe it. And if his own girlfriend can't be there to support him during a bad time, who's going to be? If I have to put my own selfishness aside for awhile until things calm down in his life, I am willing to put up with his behavior until I can get out of the relationship without hurting him this bad. I'm not in danger. He would never hurt me, or anyone else (he's all talk and no action, he likes to make himself look tough but he is not). He isn't that kind of person. I can take care of myself, so don't worry. I know I am not as strong as most people, and I do not care about myself nearly as much as I should or have self esteem like other people. I have always put other's needs before mine. It is just who I am. But all that aside, I won't leave someone when they are feeling bad enough about their life to consider suicide. I have been there, and I know what it's like to be left alone by people you thought cared. I realize how frustrating this may seem to you, and to other normal people but I never intended any of it to be that way. I posted this because I needed to get it off my chest, and there was no one to talk to. I did not post this to start a battle between right and wrong. So I am sorry if you are offended by my decision. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate your support. You have been one of the only ones that has stuck with me today as I made some heavy choices. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life, and I do not yet know the proper way to go about fixing it. Part of me feels that this entire situation rests mostly on my shoulders, because a smart person would have never gotten themselves into a situation like this! But it's too late to place blame. My focus now is to help him change. I am praying that this counselling he will receive will be the answer! He will be getting professional help within the next week, and I believe he can be the person he once was! I know that he does not like who he is, I know that he wants to change. He is terrified of ending up like his father. I believe we need to work his problems out together, and I will also be talking to the counsellor and getting her opinion on our relationship. I'm just not sure that flat out leaving him was the best thing for me to try, but I do thank you for your advice. You seem very confident and independent, and I do not think you would ever find yourself in my place (at least I hope not) but as for me, I have to do what I think is best for both of us. I love him, and I want to help him. Thank you, once again, and I'm sorry I frustrate you so much. And also- A HUGE thank you to Hope75! You give great advice! I have noticed your replies on other people's topics, and you always seem to know exactly what you are talking about. Thanks so much for the support! It was nice to hear from someone who has been in a situation similar to mine.

Just an update. On everyone's advice, I took steps today on attempting to leave my boyfriend. I also told my family what he said to me last night, for the first time ever, the whole truth. They did not think it was a big deal- just told me that I tend to overreact to things. I don't know what to think anymore. If my own family, who overreacts to everything, thinks this isn't a problem- it must be something about me. Anyway, my boyfriend and I talked for three hours about why I felt we needed a break. He was crying and telling me I was overreacting also. And he wouldn't leave my house, saying terrible things to me: like I don't know anything and I think I'm so smart and that I am not worth fighting for in his opinion because I cause so many problems and want to end the relationship when I know he is having a hard time. Basically he made me feel like nothing and he made me feel like a huge b*tch for leaving him when he is so miserable, and I felt stupid for trying to do anything about it. I told him that why he is seeing the counselor, we should not have any contact with each other. I was going strong for a good two and half hours, not backing down even when he was begging me and telling me how much I was hurting him and saying I didn't know anything. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I "compromised". I told him to tell the counselor *everything* he has told me and ask her what we need to do. Maybe it'll help both of us if we get a professional opinion. That was finally enough to get him calmed down, because he realized he had won, at least partly. Basically I feel awful right now. My family, who I expected to be there for me, brushed me off. I wasn't strong enough to break off the relationship, after only *three hours* of the fighting and manipulation that I expected and thought I was ready for! And I have probably permanently damaged whatever we had for even trying. And I think that I have overreacted hugely to what he said, and I feel stupid for it. I mean, all of you have thought it was a big deal, but maybe that's because you don't know the whole story or weren't there when it happened. So that's all for today. Thanks again, everyone. If there are any more updates or improvements, I will post.

First off: In reply to the question of how old I am- I am nineteen and he is eighteen. Second: You guys have all made me think really hard about what I need to do, and I am closer, I think, to actually doing it than I ever have been before! I have planned out what I need to say, and I think I will do this over the phone so I can hang up when he starts crying and guilt-tripping me (which he always does when I ask for a few days apart). I have also thought about switching to the day-schedule at my job (we have to work at the same place, and we have to work the same hours or else he can't handle me having a job and not seeing him). So I think that can be arranged if I tell my boss what is going on. I know I sound pathetic for being with this guy, for staying with him, for loving him. But I can't control what I feel. It wasn't until it had gotten really bad that I realized I was emotionally stuck to him. But I know that he does not love me, and it's really bad that we have only been together a year! I can just imagine how it will be if we marry! My family knows part of the story, but I have not told them everything. I have just told them the not-so-bad stuff (like having to work at the same job, having to be together all the time, his moodswings), and they suggested a restraining order! So I know they overreact. I haven't told them about the rape thing because they would go crazy and I don't want to think about what my boyfriend would do if he found out I told them. I think I really need to do this by myself. My boyfriend hates my family anyway, and he would try to manipulate me by saying they are poisoning my mind against him (something he has already said on numerous occasions). My best friend knows the whole story, but she has fallen away from me and doesn't really talk to me anymore because she is so angry with me that I have not left him yet. I understand her frustration, but she can't understand mine (I don't expect her to, by any means). So my outside support is kind of limited. But I think I can do this by myself. The first step I will take is talking to my boss today about switching schedules. After that, I will (hopefully) be able to drop the bomb, if I don't chicken out! Thanks so much everyone, and wish me luck! (I will need it!)

Thanks everyone for reading this and being supportive. I wrote this at two am last night when I was really freaking out. Someone asked if he came from an abusive background- yes and no. His father raped his mother (which is part of the reason I am so uneasy about what he tells me) and he has always been emotionally abusive to her, but never violent. I know I need to leave him. I have known for the better part of five months that he does not love me anymore, and maybe never did. This is a really hard thing for me to accept, because he is always saying that he loves me, yet he says terrible things so I am always confused. I don't know what he is trying to do. He says over and over that he respects my moral and religious beliefs, but then he pulls something like he did last night! He has manipulated me in the past, so I guess he thinks he can do it now too and get me to have sex with him. But he doesn't understand that this is my *religion*. I am not going to give it up because he is whining about it! And in reply to Napoleon Bonaparte's question about the violence thing: No, he was not talking about me. He tells me constantly that some people, most people (besides me and a few others), could not possibly have souls or exist (he has a thing about deciding things for other people, like whether they are "real" or not- he sees most people as not real because he hates just about everyone) so violence is the only way to get the message accross to these "not real" people who "don't have souls"! Anyway, the obvious answer is to leave. But leaving him not only seems hard, but impossible. For one thing, I feel as though I need him, the worse he becomes. I do not know why I feel like this, but I feel like I can't live without him. When we were first dating, I had a lot of self confidence and independance, but now it's like he's taken all that away! He tells me that he thinks I couldn't live without him, and I am starting to believe it. Is there a way I can detach myself from him slowly? Leaving him outright would be dangerous, on more levels than one. And I feel like to truly stay away from him for good, I will need to detach myself from my feelings for him. He is going through a terrible time, and I am afraid of what he will do to himself if I leave. He has put me in a terrible position. His mother is forcing him to get counseling, so I keep hoping that maybe that will help! But if it doesn't, I need to leave. Either way, I have to detach myself just in case. Is there any way to do this???

I need to know if this is a problem or not. Tonight my boyfriend told me that he fantasizes about rape. Including raping me. He told me that since I won't have sex with him (we've been together a little more than a year) he told me that he is reduced to thinking about raping me and cheating on me or leaving me to get it (he has never done any of those things though- just thought about them). He even told me that he thought about marrying me to have sex with me! (I have told him since the beginning that I won't have sex before marriage). He said that he wasn't trying to make me feel bad, but then he started saying stuff like how he should have just gotten all the sex he wanted out of his system before he met me, since he had so many chances before *I* came along, making me feel like I'm not as good as his other girlfriends! I was crying when he told me, then he sounded disgusted with me that I was reacting at all. He didn't think it was a big deal, just because he had never done those things- just thought them. Am I overreacting? I mean, they are just thoughts, but still. I don't like being told that my boyfriend has thought about raping me. We got off the phone like normal. I had to convince him I was okay, because if I ever mention wanting to break up he goes crazy. He has never hit me (or even been verbally abusive) but he told me that if I left him he would be capable of anything, because I am the only thing that means anything to him, supposedly. And he says stuff like "violence is the only way to deal with certain people". And the idea of rape turns him on because he likes to think about "getting what he wants". I am so terrified. I can't break up with him. It's not even an option. I do not know what he is capable of anymore. There's no one to turn to. Do you guys think his words could turn into actions? He has never been violent with me- EVER. But sometimes when we are making out he throws me down on the bed and pins me down (he left a bruise once). And when we are just normally kissing, he holds my head really hard and won't let me pull away. I thought all of this was just normal until now! I am so scared. Is it normal, do you think? The more scary he becomes, the more some pathetic part of me needs him and loves him! I don't know where to turn anymore! I just need to get this off my chest before I explode!