MtnBiker22

Just an update and my mental ramblings… I haven't had any contact with my ex since we established we wouldn't go on the vacation together. She sent an email a week later letting me know she was sending me a check for my half of the vacation expenses. I never received the check. When she returned from the trip, she sent me a sincere apology letting me know she had completely forgotten to send it and that she needed my address as she had misplaced it (seem weird to anyone?). Anyway, I replied giving her my address and telling her to let me know if she needed anything else, very to the point but tried to be polite as well. Tonight I got another email from her which was much less cold and more "friend-like" in nature to her previous emails. There is a little background to this email though – I had sent her a hand-written letter last week which I won't get into. Basically, in the time we've had apart, I've realized some things I did that were detrimental to the relationship, especially when she was going through so much of her own stuff; the letter was letting her know I had realized these things and was working to fix them. I had also sent her a one sentence email yesterday because there was a bad car accident miles from where she lives involving 19 cars and 4 fatalities – it made the news in my state and I was concerned for her safety since it was on a road she traveled often. I guess in the time we've had apart, I've somewhat accepted the loss and have been trying my best to move on especially since she indicated she didn't want a friendship from me. I honestly didn't expect a response at all to my letter or to my email making sure she was ok (of course, I hoped she would respond). I was shocked to have received an email from her that was not at all cold like her previous emails. It was just a "friendly" email; I still don't think she wants to get back together. I think she was serious when she said she needed time for her heart to heal from everything she had gone through. I don't know if she would ever consider us again – she told me there was a chance at one point but that was 2 weeks after we split and things could have changed for her since then. She seems to be a little more open to a "friendship" again but I don't want to push her on anything. Her email didn't say anything in it that necessarily required a response but there were things I could respond to, if that makes sense. My thinking is this, she is going to send my check on Monday so I figured I could "respond" to her email when I receive the check so she knows I got it. What do I want out of all of this – to get her back to wanting to "regain her trust in me through a friendship" I know all this sounds silly – we were only together for 4 months and it's been 2 since the breakup. In theory, I should "be over her" but our feelings for each other were so intense, that just doesn't happen. I've healed a lot from this and am really working on myself right now. With all that said, I still feel very strongly for this girl. I'm definitely moving on from it and trying to maintain a healthy balance between the two. I guess the email really threw me off since I had convinced myself she was done and wouldn't respond; I'm happy she did. Any thoughts or comments are always welcome and accepted with an open mind.

You've mentioned that this girl is insecure... take this bit of info as you please coming from an extremely anxious, insecure woman - sometimes, it's very hard to leave a message... I struggle sometimes when I'm calling someone and we're on perfectly good terms. I can't know exactly where she is coming from or what her thought process was but I can tell you if she hesitated or had any nervousness about making that call in the first place, it's very possible she panicked when she got your voice mail. I hate leaving messages and especially if I had to talk myself into actually making the call in the first place... I don't think a simple card or email would be out of the question - you seem to really be wanting to make some attempt at contact, so go ahead and try - just think about what it will do to you if you don't get any kind of response.

C.C. - thank you very much for your story. It definitely helps a lot. I am feeling a little better today. If nothing else her words and actions have given me the kick in the a** that I needed to accept that yeah, it really is over. Now I know she doesn't want a friendship; I now have no obligation to her at all. I don't have to debate on whether I should call her or answer her calls or emails because she's made it clear that she wants nothing from me and that's exactly what I'll give her. It hurts but she's left me with only one option - MOVE ON. I've blocked her from IM and deleted her phone numbers from my cell phone (just in case I get weak… pretty bad that I don't know her numbers w/o my cell phone… lol) One of two things will happen as a result 1. she'll move on with her life thankful I haven't called, emailed, or texted 2. she'll realize 3, 6, 9 months from now that she made a mistake – will I listen to what she has to say? Yes - but chances are that I will have moved on… and so goes the story of life and love. Of course, even learning to accept it doesn't take the pain away - only time can do that

please, I really need help now... my world just came crashing down again... I finally got in touch with her when she returned from her trip and she informed me that she was now going on our planned vacation with her mother and was in the process of getting the tickets changed from my name to her mom's. While this hurt me deeply, I understood why she did it because after all, it would be extremely awkward to be in such close quarters for that length of time. The part that hurts the most is that she said she wasn't interested in a friendship anymore (at this time)... that she doesn't do friendships with her exes. While I realize that a friendship takes time after a breakup, I feel like we went from having "a chance" at working at things to nothing at all. Previously, she had said she wanted to rebuild her trust in me through a friendship and that she still wanted to go on the vacation with me... I continued to give her space and now this She said she's sure we'll talk and see each other (we live 3 hours apart) again some day but that she needs time. I want to throw up. She was so cold... so different than the last time we spoke. words of encouragement, funny stories, anything would be appreciated right now. thank you.

You have to remember that you guys are not gf and bf anymore. Just because he didn't ask what you were doing does not mean he doesn't care about you... try not to read into everything he does or doesn't do so much. Believe me, I know this is much easier said than done. Try and focus on the positives... he did call you, you are still going to the concert together, and this gives you an opportunity to spend time with him. Make sure to be confident, light, and make no mention of the relationship. and, remember, there are tons of us dumpees out here wishing we had that kind of opportunity! Have fun and make us all proud!

yes, I guess you are right in that I was looking for a reason to contact her. I struggled with whether or not it was "my turn" to contact her. When we last spoke, I knew we probably wouldn't speak again for a while but assumed I would talk to her before her big trip. I wanted to send her a text message, at the very least, to wish her good luck (she has been planning this trip for months) but I think I will reconsider after your advice because I do want to put myself in the best position as possible. *sigh*

Hey all. I have been on this forum for about a month and have done A LOT of reading through all the different posts. And now, I need a little bit of advice/encouragement/etc You can find the background of my story at the link below: link removed She broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We have only talked on the phone once since the breakup (she called me) and have had no other contact at all. I have been giving her time and space knowing that I can't change her mind and, ultimately, any reconciliation is out of my control. We have a vacation booked and paid for next month so I know that NC is inevitably going to have to end soon because we need to plan the trip. My dilemma right now – it's been two weeks since we last talked on the phone. She expressed interest in establishing a friendship with me in order to "rebuild her trust in me" and hinted that there was a chance at reconciliation but that she was not in a place emotionally to handle a relationship right now. When we got off the phone, she said we would talk soon. I made the decision it was best to let her pursue the contact at this point since the breakup was her idea, what she wanted, as well as the friendship. She leaves for a vacation to CO on Sunday and I was really hoping we would touch base before she left but so far, nothing. Should I contact her or leave her be and wait for her to contact me? If you need more info, please see the link above or feel free to PM me. Thanks!

Gradle, I have been following your posts for quite some time but have not posted anything as my advice was the same as all the others... However, tonight, I just wanted to reply to offer support as well as a little bit of advice. First off, I know what you are going through as I am going through the same thing right now. It's extremely difficult to accept a breakup when it's not what you want... when you know in your heart, this person could be right for you. All you want and desire is to make things right again - a second chance. However, that is out of your control right now. You have got to come to the realization that NOTHING you do right now is going to bring J back into your arms (and if it does, it won't have been his idea and will only end in complete failure FOR GOOD because it's not what he truly wanted). The only thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. By pressuring him and begging him, you are going to push him away forever. Please realize that your second chance is right now... you are living your second chance because if you keep pressuring him and not letting him leave or get off the phone, there will never be a second chance. When/if he calls next and you decide to answer the phone, make sure you are the one that needs to get off the phone. You know you need to end the conversation as soon as you start to ask him anything that has to do with "us" or his feelings or the relationship in general. I'm going through and struggling with same thing right now... trust me, I know how hard it is. I went to the extent of putting a pony tail holder on my wrist the first 2 weeks of NC and snapped it everytime I thought about calling, texting, or emailing my ex. It was a constant reminder to myself that if I really wanted the relationship to continue in the future that I had to let go of it for now... you have to do the same...

Just an update.... I have been maintaining NC since the breakup. Well, she called last night (almost two weeks since the breakup). We talked for a very long time - at first just catching up on each other's lives and then we talked about our relationship. Basically, she is still saying that she does not want to be in a relationship right now. A lot has happened in her life these past few months (loss of two grandparents in addition to losing two co-workers to death). On top of all of this, we had been having difficulties and our last argument was so bad that she lost a lot of trust in me. She says she doesn't want to give me a second chance right now. I asked her what it would take (if anything) to get her back to wanting to try again to which she responded that she needed time and wanted to rebuild her trust in me through a friendship. I think that she has hope that something more will eventually come out of the friendship (as do I) so I guess this is what we're going to do. My plan is to keep letting her come to me for a little while so that I can work on myself (the things that caused the break up) and continue to give her space and time. ...keeping busy, staying strong, working on me, and holding on to a glimmer of hope (for now). Wish us luck!

imagi, thank you for your reply. It helps to hear what other people think of the situation. Here is my next question, I still have had no contact since my ex broke up with me on Tuesday. I was supposed to visit her this weekend because she is running in a half marathon tomorrow. Do you guys think it would be ok for me to send her a text message wishing her good luck tomorrow? I love her so much and I don't want to make any mistakes with this one. Thank you for listening.

hello everyone. I am in need of some need of advice and support. I dated this girl (lesbian relationship) for 4 months. While I know this is a very short time, feelings moved very quickly. We exchanged "I love yous" after 1.5 months. We talked often about marriage, our ceremony, rings, etc. Both of us were very excited that we'd finally found someone that everything just clicked with and couldn't wait to start our lives together. A couple of weeks ago, we got into an argument because I struggle with insecurities and jealousies. I made a lot of false accusations and, as a result, really hurt her. Afterwards, she went into defense mode because she was so hurt by things I had said. Anyway, we were slowly getting past that incident and working on things but this past weekend, we got into another argument. This obviously wasn't good since she was still very much in defense mode from the previous disagreement. It should probably also be mentioned that her grandmother recently passed away (this was her first experience losing a grandparent) and her grandfather started to deteriorate quickly thereafter. He had not been doing well for the past month and he passed away on Tuesday. My ex is a school counselor so it's pretty much her nature to try and support everyone she can - her mother on her two recent losses, her father, her cousin, family, as well as her kids at school. After two days of NC, my ex called me (we're in a LDR so this isn't unusual) on Tuesday (the day her grandfather passed on) and broke up with me.... some of her reasons "my heart needs to heal from everything that has happened this past month", "I'm watching out for myself", "I don't have the energy for a relationship right now", "I'm tired", "not emotionally ready" I sent her flowers on the loss of her grandfather yesterday but have not contacted her in anyway since the breakup call on Tuesday. Do you all recommend NC to let "her heart heal." I really think this is the girl I will marry some day and I'm not ready to walk away from it yet. Thanks for listening. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.