maritalbliss86

I wish I could navigate ena better on my phone. It takes me forever to find my own journal 🤦🙄 ugh!!! Feel like an idiot.

Bleh

As for what's in her head... I've read it's called, "fear of missing out," and it is what you previously guessed, she missed out on the young years or having lots of sex with random men (a lot more women place value on this than you'd think unfortunately).

Not everyone goes through that, but it looks like this is her "mid life crisis" moment and trying to have both kinds of men (the young irresponsible immature but sexy one and the long-term, mature responsible one to use financially or as a backup in case irresponsible sexy boy goes sideways).

Not everyone experiences this when they marry young. We've never experienced this and still have an excellent sex life and are madly in love, so don't blame it on her not getting to experience other guys or freedom or whatever. That could be some of it,. It ultimately she should have worked this out with you. Made **your** sex life together better... Those kinds of things ❤️

The grass is greener where you water it 

On 2/14/2022 at 2:09 PM, duragauge said:

Thanks for the feedback, you've given me a lot to think about.  Let me answer a few questions.

 

No, she's been able to scrape by on her own financially so far and has benefits from her job.  I have been putting $$$ into an account regularly that she could dip into (roughly what monthly alimony would be) but she's left that alone so far.

 

I'm about 90% sure.  I came across a love letter from him where he said she's taught him what true love is and that now he knows her in "an intimate way" and wants to marry her.  She denied anything sexual but also told me if I didn't allow her to date him during separation she would file for divorce.  That was before she moved out and I don't see any reason why things wouldn't have escalated now that she's got her own place.

 

That's a good question.  Early on I would have to say I was afraid of the future and of being alone.  Now, however, I'm fine emotionally, have fun plans for the future, and am enjoying my time with the kids.  

I don't have a desire to settle down with anyone ever again.  My youngest will be off to college in 7 years.  I'll focus on the kids until then and afterward I'll be the fun dad/grandpa who flies around the world and drives a classic convertible.

So I guess my answer right now is that I don't see what I have to loose by waiting a bit longer.

This is a great attitude! Love it!

Haven't read any comments yet, but apparently this happens a lot.

I'm sorry she did this and is using you. At least you aren't out there alone, lots of other men are in your position....

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Updating to say, in the course of this new therapy I have discovered so many channels in which I was deficient in my marriage.  I have done my best to own my sh*t, make amends, and we are in a pretty good place. 

If this is too personal then of course don't feel you need to answer 🙂, but in what ways were you, "deficient," in your marriage?  I'm truly interested in what you can, "see," now that you couldn't then.

It is beyond annoying to me that we often can't, "see," what things we're doing horribly wrong into years after the fact.  So this will probably help people (myself for sure!) ❤️  Thank you!

On 1/31/2022 at 9:15 AM, mical said:

Would you suggest I just quit as give my 3 months notice? 

 

I know this sounds awful, but please, don't quit or resign or get yourself fired.

Try to stay under the radar... just do what you have to do, and try to get out of there, or make it to the 3 months.

I'm in love ❤️ 

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Beautiful. I wish I wasn't a plant murderer 😭

Hugs!!!  There are plants for everyone, I believe it !  

Seriously though, there are extreme drought resistant plants that you can virtually forget to water.

Or...

you could always get a cactus

I also couldn't resist 2 hanging baskets that look a lot like the top one in this picture.

We just a few freezes, and now that the weather is getting slightly better, I just can't wait to get more plants in the ground.  I already went out and bought a bunch yesterday - gorgeous orange peel jessamines - UGH!!  I bought 5  

They grow to be up to 8 ft tall, and spread out nicely.  I think they'll go great with the light blues and incredible Majestic Sage dark blues surrounding them.  Ugh my heart!  ❤️ 

On 2/2/2022 at 2:37 PM, Seraphim said:

Love it 

Wow, can't wait to watch how they built that thing... and wondering what kind of insulation they used.  A Yurt ?!?  ... LOL  😂  It's awesome though.  

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yep, you're remembering it way wrong.  It was after we broke up that people started coming out of the woodwork telling me what a nasty person he is.  A bunch of other vendors all had a pretty nasty nickname for him that they all called him behind his back.  A lot of the vendors who live in my area are friends and get together outside of work.  Some of them told me they always wanted to invite me to their parties and stuff but never did because they didn't want him there, etc. 

I think in that case a lot of people thought I was already dating him when I started showing up at festivals.  When I first started on that scene he took me under his wing.  A lot of people didn't know me.  So I think people probably thought I already came in with him, so there was no point in trying to tell me he was bad news, if that makes sense. 

You're right, I remembered wrong.  

I think the overall point though is that you're picking really emotionally/mentally messed up people, if that makes sense.  

People who *other people* can look at from a distance, maybe with more objectivity, and say, "Wow, that person is an a$$hole."  

So you're doing it subconsciously if that makes sense... I'm sure you don't want to pick someone with issues, but you're drawn to them at the same time.  This can be totally normal though.  A lot of people can feel strong sexual attractions to people they know seem like they have mental health issues, but the difference is that when they get confirmation this, "Hottie," lol is off mentally, they run.  There's no amount of hottness that will make a person that takes care of themselves put up with it, in other words.

Hugs to you, at least you can see it and aren't staying stuck in the cycle.

On 2/4/2022 at 10:59 AM, Jibralta said:

What things are difficult with a 'feminine' amygdala?

Statistically, they have a harder time dealing with emotions and tend to have higher rates of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar disorder.

Feel like I have to add the caveat that obviously this isn't always true.  And there are women who have what is biologically a more masculine-oriented amygdala... literally their brain structure looks different, therefore they may behave different according to that.

And that makes sense when you think about critical decision making and trying to take your emotions out of it.  There are tons of women that can do that well, but I do believe they have to train themselves to be more like that.  For some, it may come very naturally and it makes me wonder if their structures look more male-like under a microscope.

Edited to add - it all comes down to the hormones the brain is exposed to in utero, we know it, "masculinizes the brain," and of course other structures in the reproductive system.  I'm wondering if consistent and deliberate training also works like that though.  When I was working, I heard it was common for the higher up female management to take testosterone, because they swore it helped with them being able to compete better in the workplace (in every regard).

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

About 18 months into dating him I'm here scratching my head wondering why the hell no one else sees what I see? 

I thought I remembered you saying that there were a lot of other people who warned you about his behavior... other artists in his work environment I thought?  Maybe I'm remembering wrong....

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

She shouts "Well, I'm SORRY! I must be a TERRIBLE mother!" But I consider that to be more of an attack than an apology. Especially since she never stops doing the things she's supposedly 'sorry' for.

Yes... that's like my mom sometimes (she's gotten a lot better with age).  

It's also exactly what my husband's dad does.  He doesn't actually ever apologize though, that statement above is just sarcasm imo.

On the whole trans people having worse mental health (in general), it makes sense when you think about it 😞  I remember in my university studies, we studied and literally saw the differences in a transgendered person's brain after death, sliced apart so that we could see into it the differences.  And it was remarkable that a male trans person identifying as female, really did have a more feminine brain where the amygdala did look a lot more like a regular woman's amygdala, than a typical man's.  But each one is different, so some have a, "middle," kind of structural description of both male/female, and not necessarily more male.  It's so complicated because it's individual people we're talking about.  

So biologically, they're brains operate differently... and even then, it can be differently than each other (some more male-oritented thinking and some actually more feminine-oriented). 

Then if you look at studies showing how emotions are all tied up in the amygdala... rage responses even... it makes sense that they would have more emotional responses to things, and show their emotions more like women tend to (possibly).  

Here's what Google had to say about what the amygdala regulates... then try to imagine someone doing those things with a more feminine-structured amygdala and it kind of makes sense how hard it'd be. 

Quote

The main job of the amygdala is to regulate emotions, such as fear and aggression.

The amygdala is also involved in tying emotional meaning to our memories. reward processing, and decision-making. [Emphasis mine]

On 2/3/2022 at 2:04 AM, Cynder said:

that's going to make me sound like an awful person I'm sure

No, you don't sound like an awful person.  I can tell you're trying to be kind, while stating the truth. 😞  It's fine 👍

On 1/22/2022 at 6:47 AM, Jibralta said:

When Marshal was 13 or 14, he gave his parents a bit of a scare when he told them that he'd met someone named "Meatloaf" on an online videogame, and now this Meatloaf was inviting him to his concert, somewhere in another state, all expenses paid. Marshal had no idea who Meatloaf was, but his parents did, and they were understandably suspicious. So they vetted this online 'Meatloaf' thoroughly, and it turned out to be the real Meatloaf! Marshal and his parents were invited to Meatloaf's concert as a token of appreciation for Marshal taking the time to kindly and patiently help Meatloaf learn the online videogame that they were both playing. Most of the other players had been dismissive or rude to Meatloaf. 

 

Do you think something happened in that encounter (or afterward)?  Teens that are molested and never reveal it sometimes commit suicide a few years before or around 18, when they really start to, "get," what happened to them.  Oftentimes no one else knew, which is why suicide is more probable when they're so isolated.

On 1/29/2022 at 6:19 PM, Jibralta said:

I think I'm somebody who has to be strong. Like, if my muscles get weak, I start feeling aches and pains.

I'm definitely like this... it's awful, but at least it keeps one motivated to stay in shape and strong (LOL optimistic spin 😂).

On 1/29/2022 at 6:19 PM, Jibralta said:

I said, to my boyfriend, "I wonder how strong I can get. I don't want to become enormous, though."

He basically laughed in my face and said, "You're not going to become enormous. You don't suddenly become enormous without noticing. It takes a lot of work. Nobody ever says, 'I got enormous so fast that I had to stop."

😂

That was funny!!!

On 2/1/2022 at 6:29 AM, Cynder said:

She only took her hormones about 50% of the time.  She would take them for a while, and notice changes, her boobs would start to grow, etc.  Then she would stop taking them.  And then complain that she stopped seeing changes.  And she expects everyone to feel bad for her and tell her how awesome she is.  But if she would just take her hormones like she's supposed to, then she wouldn't stop seeing changes.

There's a lot going on there mentally.  At some level, "she," doesn't want to see those changes, but again, I'm sure you already know that. 😉 

On 2/1/2022 at 6:29 AM, Cynder said:

She goes out in public with a full beard, wearing men's clothes, using her male voice, etc.  But then is really upset when someone calls her Sir or refers to her as he.  She just expects people to know by osmosis that she is female.  Then she complains about being so misunderstood.  Ok... it's not that people don't understand.  It's that when people see someone who looks, talks, and dresses like a man, they generally will think that's a man.

You probably already know this, but this quoted excerpt is a great example of narcissism.  

15 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Great article. 

I really like her!

Never thought I'd agree more with Naomi Wolf, always thought she was gorgeous, but we were at opposite poles on many issues.

Great article by her - https://naomiwolf.substack.com/p/is-it-time-for-intellectuals-to-talk

On 1/23/2022 at 4:33 PM, Cynder said:

My nephew is here though, and he is my little sunshine.  The other night him and I hung out in my art room and painted for hours.  We do this thing where we both start on a painting and then switch off every half hour or so.  We painted a truck in the desert.  We painted a picture of his cat.  And we also started a painting of Godzilla (because he's obsessed with Godzilla right now.)  And last night we were up until after midnight playing Guitar Hero.  

I've been trying to give myself small things to look forward to.  I am really anti suicide.  I would never do that to people who care about me.  But there are days when I feel like it would just be easier if I wasn't here.  But also, since my experience in 2016, I know everyone has a reason to be here.

Thanks you for replying.  Your reply made me cry.  Lol...

My, "heart," response was to this above, not to all the awful things in the entire comment.

Glad you are doing better and just wondering about all these things.  

On 1/20/2022 at 6:28 PM, Cynder said:

Well, abortion was legal and accessible when she was pregnant with me.  She also could have given me up for adoption.  And it's not like there's some law that nurses can't have kids.  She still could have been a nurse if she wanted to bad enough.  And they we years and had re miserable together.  Which I think they blamed me to that too.  They were together for 15 years and had 3 more kids after me. 

Yes, she totally could have had an abortion.  But it's my opinion if she had had an abortion done to her and you, then the curse would have passed onto her and hung over her own life.  And she would have had to endure that (it can always be healed or broken of course... it's not like an end-all thing, just not the right or good option). 

I think some people know that innately, so they *selfishly* try to keep the baby, and then resent it every day of it's life, and end up passing on a, "curse," onto the child and over it's life.  They hate it, treat it badly, resent it, and even just the hatred itself is enough to harm the child's molecular structure (look into the scientific research behind water molecular structure with different thoughts/words etc. are spoken over it - abuse, even just verbal abuse, is horrible for people to endure at a molecular level, is what they're finding out now).  It affects you spiritually... that whole black aura thing, it's this curse-like thing that hangs over you, and no it's not fair, and it's not your fault.

All of that can be lived through and even healed, but you are right that she still could have made a beautiful life.  

She could have become a nurse, been happy with you, made a better life for herself and you of course.  I've known single parents who adore their kids and make life work out.