hopeofheart

I know I am pathetic but you don't have to rub in my face. It's easy for you to claim that everything is possible to accomplish when you haven't walked life in my shoes. Do you really think I enjoy being in this position that I am today? I've talked to some good people of this board and did send you PM. Your follow ups were lost during site upgrade. Maybe I don't have insurance to seek professional help; some people can't afford it. What is he/she going to do to alleviate my situation? Give me a job? No, rob me of what I don't have and poison my senses. Maybe by posting here, I am mitigating my pain but I guess I am not welcome to do that either.

I had a moderately calm week until today. I am so depressed at this moment that every once an hour my tears come streaming down my face. I can't explain how I feel because my emotions are numb. This cycle never ends i dont' even know why i am even bothering writjng this post why even ttry anymore there is nothing left to fix i have no chance in life

I believe my salvation from the current situation is to find a job in my field. Not just a job but rather a career; something that is psychologically rewarding to you not running around, scheduling work with sub-contractors, being yelled at for not knowing the ups and downs of the task, or doing accounting. Without that job, you don't have an identity. All the human relationships and what not come second. If you are not independent, if you are not standing on your own feet, you are basically nobody. It is by far the most quintessential necessity in every thriving soceity for its people to be free and have a good job, something they can be proud of which can lead to also social contacts, self-esteem, and a better quality of life. Top that with constant abuse and pressure of those who are holding your life by the thread and you'll get someone like me. Frankly, I can PM, IM, and cry on your shoulder as much as you let me but at the end nothing is solved unless I can get a job and get away from the pain I'm enduring. And trust me, I have pretty much run all my options, knocked on every door, begged for a bit of chance but no opportunity has been presented. In all honesty, everyone has a threshold, you keep pounding on it and the person will eventually crack.

I never announced that I wouldn't "have" to go through with it. As painful as it may sound, it is just a matter of time, circumstance, and having enough guts to actually transforming the decision into reality. I am merely living week by week, coming up to the surface for a gasp of air just to descend into my abyss of dejection. I truly wished I had the ability to overcome my lack of ratiocinative thinking. I know for the fact what will get me out this swamp of depression but I am constantly reminded by how far fetched my salvation lies. I have so much to say but the words wouldn't come out. I am in permanent state of blockage and I can't seem to set myself free.

I am an utter failure. I couldn't go through with it; I am a coward deserved to be shot.

I'm tired, really tired. Don't know if I can take this any longer. I keep bouncing in this state of delirium. There is no way out. Someone please close this thread. I don't think if I ever want to come back. I wasn't meant to last.

It's strange. Haven't checked on here for a week and just randomly decided to log on and see youf reply. I cannot explain my feelings; I don't think I got any left. It's an uncanny and errie sensation I am having, just like the time after my second suicide attempt. Last Friday my dad pretty much hammered me emotionally at job and when I came home I was treated with another wave of insults which ended up with my mother throwing my clothes on the floor kicking them around threatening to oust me from the house. I just stood there and said nothing in despair. It's not as if I do drugs, drink, hang out with mischeifs, or engage in some sort of criminal activities, none. They just can't stand seeing their kid not being smart enough to find a job beside being dragged like a slave everyday to do his dad's job. That's my crime. I go out sit in my car just out of the blue decide to go out to the cliff site and finish where I left off last year. Half way there I could no longer hold myself so pulled over at some secluded road and wept. Wept for my existence; felt so sick that started puking. Is there anyone out there? Just like the last time, I got so emotionally drained and physically exhausted that I passed out just to wake up in the middle of night not knowing my where about. I wished I could cough up blood but I wasn't sure whether go ahead with my plan or come back to this hell. Does anyone know what it feels like to be me? I came home the next morning finding my parents gone to some out of town trip. They'll come back tonight. These are as well be my last breath. Don't know what the future holds. I may not be here by the end of this week. Does anyone know what it feels to step on the edge of a cliff waiting for your knees to give up at any moment. You try to inhale but your lungs refuse. You no longer can feel your heart pounding in your chest. Voices are gone and your eyes are blood-shot. I just can't believe these are might be the last days of my life... This might be it!

I don't know why I'm having a trail of nightmares every night. Waking up a dozen times during the night, feeling my head being pricked by a thousand needles... My soul is being pulled out my existence... I remember the last chapter of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables where Jean Valjean is lying on his death bed with the daughter by his side, the doctor announces, "Something inside of him has died. He's not going to make it." I feel the same... I couldn't help not to post this poem I came accross last night. Version 1: I went to a party, and remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, so I had a Sprite instead. I felt proud of myself, the way you said I would, That I didn't drink and drive, though some friends said I should. I made a healthy choice, and your advice to me was right, The party finally ended, and the kids drove out of sight. I got into my car, sure to get home in one piece, I never knew what was coming, Mom, something I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement, and I hear the policeman say, "The kid that caused this wreck was drunk," Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood's around me, as I try hard not to cry, I can hear the paramedic say, "This girl is going to die." I'm sure the guy had no idea while he was flying high Because he chose to drink and drive, now I would have to die. So why do people do it, Mom, knowing that it ruins lives? And now the pain is cutting me like a hundred stabbing knives. Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom, tell Daddy to be brave, And when I go to heaven put "Mommy's Girl" on my grave. Someone should have taught him that it's wrong to drink and drive. Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom, I'm getting really scared These are my final moments and I'm so unprepared. I wish that you could hold me, Mom, as I lie here and die, I wish that I could say, "I love you Mom!" So I love you and good-bye. Version 2: went to a party Mum, I remembered what you said, You told me not to drink Mum, so I drank soda instead I really felt proud inside Mum, the way you said I would I didn't drink and drive Mum, though the others said I should I know I did the right thing Mum, I know you're always right Now the party is ending Mum, and they're driving out of sight As I got into my car Mum I knew I'd get home in one piece Because of the way you raised me - responsible and sweet I started driving away Mum but as I pulled onto the road The other car just didn't see me and he hit me like a load As I lay here on the pavement Mum, I hear the Policeman say the other guy is drunk Mum and I'm the one to pay I'm lying here and dying Mum, I wish you'd get here soon How could this happen to me Mum, my whole life's burst like a balloon There is blood that's all around me - and most of it is mine I hear the medics say Mum I will die in a short time I just wanted to tell you Mum I swear I didn't drink It was the others Mum, the others, I was them who didn't think He was probably at the same party as I - The only difference is he drank - and I'll die Why do people drink and drive Mum, it can ruin your whole life I'm feeling sharp pains now, pains that cut me like a knife The guy who hit me is walking and I don't think that is fair I'm lying here and dying and all he can do is stare Tell my brother not to cry Mum - Tell Daddy to be brave And when I go to Heaven, put "Daddy's Girl" upon my grave Someone should have told him Mum, Not to drink and drive If only they had told him - Perhaps I'd be alive My breath is getting shorter now, and I'm becoming very scared Please don't cry for me, Mum when I needed you - you were there I have one last question though before I say 'Good-bye' "I didn't drink and drive Mum so why am I to die?"

*sigh* I wish I could just leave the post here as I feel the deepest void in my heart. One thing I chrished during cold days of sweet autumn is a warm and steamy morning showers. It is the best thing next to my pillow which over the years has indiscriminately comforted my face night after night. It's sad the closest object to you is your pillow, piteous or not, that's all I got. My employment consists of open slavery for my father and making less than a bum on the street. Sort of work where your emotions and integrity is ripped to shreds, walked all over, defecated on, and dishonorded with constant obloquy and condescendence. One of these days he'll find my lifeless body hanged in one the basement of his half-built houses, swinging to the wirlwind of despair. I know why I went to college for and my major is specific as far what sort of career I should be pursuing. Software development is not another liberal art major. I know coming strong on this issue for someone in my emotional status can be addling to others. Having a phone interview after work is never pleasant which I may add was very stressful and nerve wrecking. Especially if it comes out more of an attempt to network do some basic inquiries from a total stranger. After which, I hold my head in my hands and wishing I was dead. Shadows, I will PM you one album despite the fact I would rather to talk in open forum but circumstances wouldn't allow me.

I doesn't matter what she said because I no longer have a health insurance coverage. Frankly, I can't afford it like other 48 million Americans. The metallic taste I mentioned was just a metaphor but I do have an acute anemia and the level of hemoglobin in my body fluctuates occasionally. And the reason I run out of breath 5 times faster than a normal person and melocules can only acquire a miminal amount of oxygen. by the way, free clinics are in Canada and Europe, and I don't have a citizenship in any of those regions. You have no idea how many times I've sat at the table and had to turn my head away from everyone to hide the accumulated tears in my eyes. You know in our fast paced world, sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only one who's paying attention to paltry seasonal metamorphosis of nature; but I don't want to hold on to these moments too tightly. You know what I do when I come home from work? I read. I frantically read as many technical articles, documents, or books I can get my hands on... In utter otiose. Hoping someday it would come handy in my hiring process and I know in my heart that day may never in fact come. What kind of loser doesn't find a job a year after graduation? That's my hope you were asking. Funny thing you asked about music. It pains me to see all these tracks I've collected selectively over the years would go to waste since when the day comes, I have no choice to destory all my harddrives. I wish I could share them with someone because I know it would touch his/her heart and soul. Thank you Shadows for talking to me.

Sometimes I feel the metallic taste of death in my mouth; I reach out but there is nothing there, I can't swallow it and I can't puke it out. It's as if having the anticipation of grenade exploding in my throat. I don't wish such mental and physical anguish upon anyone. Thank you Shadow for your words of encouragement; they lit up my heart like a candle in a dark cave. My toes and fingers are frigidly frozen and I'm writhing in this perpetual agonizing involuntary twitches at the back of my neck. Never revealed this secret to anyone but last summer I had a mini-heart attack which the doctor diagnosed when she performed nuclear medicine test on me. I never followed up on her recommendations for further treatments. I've had a few localized chest pain in the last few weeks to the point that made inhaling a stabbing experience. I wonder if I should let the fate take care of my despair. I don't think I've it in me to write anymore for tonight. I wish I was stronger than this...

The dreaded moment I was painfully trying to avoid came; my parents no longer want me to live with them and with no money at hand, I have to live on streets. A homeless, a bum, a nobody. I have no choice to end my life pretty soon as I can't and wouldn't let myself go through this sh|t. So many things I wanted to do in my life, so many places to see but alas some people weren't meant to last and my time has come. I don't need anybody's support, frankly I can't afford it. All I want to say is that don't torment your children psychologically and emotionally. Maybe they are not srong enough to hack their way through life. Maybe they can't deal with people the way you expected them. Maybe they are not emotionally equipped to deal with the hardship of life. I'm gone but at least for those of you who will have kids, don't treat them like a dirt, don't condescend them to the point where there wouldn't be no self-esteem left in them to go through life. And worst of all I'm still scared; scared of death but I've no choice to go through with it and embrace it as a final solution to end my misery. I wish these soul-crushing feelings upon no one.

Maybe my tunnel has caved in under pressure and now I'm trapped; there is no way out, there is no way in. Maybe my only glimmer of hope is the burning candle melting to the end of stick. Maybe I wasn't meant to last. I am not like most people; I can't do most tasks. I don't belong here... I can't talk to anyone, I have no one; not a single friend, not a single phone number. It doesn't bother me that I am in such isolated situation; I hate to say this but I find strength in my own solitude. What wrings me is that my immediate family member, due to fear of me being a failure which I am so far in life, taking a very aggressive and demeaning approach towards my life style. So much so that I get an impression they are getting a rise out of being emotionally and pyschologically abusive, deliberately or unintentionally. I have had aboue half a dozen sever depression episodes since the last semester of college and it is gradually getting to the point that I ponder whether this psychological torment is physically possible to endure. Sometimes I beg for an 18-wheeler to struck my car head to head; it never happens then I pull over and weep, weep for my kismet. I am not an irrational person. I know giving the right circumstances, I can pursue happiness but at the same time I've come to the conclusion that I've pretty much exhuasted all my options. I graduated from a demanding university with BS of CS hoping to find a job in software development/engineering field but alas! not shortly after I realized I may have no chance of making it. Maybe I just don't have it in me; everyone rejected me... Everyone. Sounds like a reflection of my true life. I normally ruminate upon the last few hours of my life. I don't want to have my thoughts lingering on how everyone else may discern my action. No fear, I want it to be as peaceful as it can be. I want to do one thing, only one deed right in my life. My mind is numb and disconnected and hopelessness is the instinct I am compelled to possess.

I just don't think I have it in me anymore to live on. I have been dreading this day for the last 2 years but I'm afraid my life is about to come to the crashing end. I can't control my tears; I am nobody in life and my heart bleeds. I don't want to die but I just don't see how I can get myself out of this quagmire of agony. I've always been a reclusive person, crowd always bothered me, and I had myself for so long. I graduated from college last year and been looking for a job since. Meanwhile, I've been working with my dad and he has been treating me less than a dog. My whole problem evolves around my family, father, mother, and sister, treating me like a 4-year-old. Their attitude towards me are extremely condescending. Since I work for my dad and suffer from social anxiety, my parents constantly putting me down and walk all over me and threatening to kick me out of the house. I only make $3/hr with my dad working 6 days a week and I can't afford renting a place. I am not a kind of person who long having friends or be an attention seeker. My parents expectation is high and they assume everyone must be social butterfly; I can't be, that's just the fact. I can't reason with them and frankly can't argu either because they keep reminding me that I am a step away from living on the street. I've been trying to find a job in my field but no luck so far. My fear is if I ever get thrown out, I would have no choice to end my life because I can't stand the thought of being homeless and dig into dumpsters. Part of me yearn to live but with current situations, I don't think I would be able to see my next birthday. People say you'll ge through it, but I just don't see it. I don't want to be afraid when I end my life. All I wanted in my life to find a job so I can live a very modest life but I may have no choice but take my last steps off the cliff to my death. I just wish I had someone who would give me that job. I can vividly feel a moment when I off in the air going down to my demise. There is no turning back and I wish I could experience life. My heart aches...

Hi, The reason I am writing this post is that I have come to the conclusion I may have serious social anxiety disorder. I have always been shy and introverted since I can remember (for the last 23 years to be exact). From the junior high, through high school and college, I have never actually bonded with anyone as far as I can remember. I have never ever had a single person who I can sincerely call a friend (hard to believe but it's sadly true). It is strange, and I wholeheartedly admit to it, to hear someone like me at this age, never hung out with group of people outside of his apartment (wola! that's me). I would contribute this to my lack of personality and physical appearance. Although I am physically fit, I blame this more on my persona and the way I present myself. You can say I am always an odd ball among sea of people and no interaction with the outside world. Not someone ugly, not someone with charisma, not someone in between, but rather someone ... (you fill-in the dots). Guess someone who doesn't belong to anywhere. That being said, my loniness has never bothered and I have always find a shortcut to avoid social scenes. In fact I find strength in my solitude. But now that I am out of the college, I realize that my inapt social skills are coming to hunt me. Don't get me wrong, I would still rather spend my free time (which is almost all the time) by myself. But now that I am being pushed into the real world, I can clearly see how my lack of social interaction is preventing me from even getting a job which is eating me alive inside out which is basically my MAIN concern. I know by now you saying go out and network with this creature called human but I think my problem is deeper than the simple solution presented. When I am in a non-fimiliar situation, knowing someone scrutinizing my every move, watching me closely to perform a task, or having to answer a stranger's question, my entire body and mind shut down. Here what I go through if I encounter any of the above scenarios: My entire face starts boiling. I can literally feel my skin is blistering and abviously my head turns to a boiled beetroot. My vision becomes blurry and voices are choked in the blackhole. Due to my excessive exercise, I don't have a palpilating heart beat but my breathing is hindered and I can hardly breathe and at this point you can imagine not a single word can find its way out of my mouth. My mouth fails to produce enough saliva and it becomes a dry desert. If that is not enough, my hands and feet become ice cold and all this often follows by a sever shivering in the chest region. But to make matters worse, I start having uncontrollable spasm at the back of my neck which can be deadly painful. And sometimes even feel nauseous and sick to my stomatch which prevents me from intaking food. As you can see, once I reach this stage, I basically shoot blanks and my brain loses its functionality. I cannot think, put together a meaningful sentence, or even hold myself straight. It is a painful ordeal and from what I described, you can understand why I would do EVERYTHING in my power to avoid puting myself in such situations. The aftermath is not easy either; I am constantly depressed and feeling inadequate. With such attacks, I am completely paralyze to input or output anything even for days to come. Don't get me wrong, I can appear normal when I am doing my shopping, visiting someone I know, or performing a routine task. It is just that when it comes to having to answer or making an intellectual conversation with a stranger (even via phone call), that's when my entire world just crushing down on me. My question is whether these symptoms qualify me as someone with social anxiety disorder and if so how sever my case is? I am desparate to resolve my problem and find my way in this world. I am the first person to admit that this is holding me back in life. I am completely aware of the negative consequences which this may convey in my life. I am constantly thinking about suicide and people around me (mostly family) don't convceive how serious my condition is and rather helping me, repeartedly badgering me with condescending remarks. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have thought about going to a therapist (or should I say "the rapist") but I just can't propel myself to ask for a help.