gypsybird87

Military enlistees serve several years. HONOR

I'm sad and lonely today. It's a beautiful sunny day, and I'm sitting inside staring at the stupid computer, and "communicating with you" in the only way I can. Eight weeks ago exactly, you dumped me. Nine weeks ago exactly, we saw each other for the last time. It seems like a lifetime ago. When you left, you kissed my forehead, not my lips. It seemed sweet at the time. Now I realize it was because you were done. You were already gone, you just hadn't officially left yet. I haven't cried in awhile, but I did this morning. I was out with the dog and a couple strolled past me holding hands. And I just lost it. I'll never forget our second date, when you casually reached over and took my hand. We were in a crowded store and I was a little bit behind you. I was so glad for that because I had the biggest stupid grin on my face, and I couldn't make it stop and didn't want you to see it and realize what a dork I am. And how thrilled I was by your small action of taking my hand. God I miss you. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. It HURTS so bad today. I've been down this healing road before and I know there are ups and downs. Today is down. Wayyyy down. It's one of those days where I want to close the curtains, crawl back in bed, and just wonder what the exact point of life is now. Because I always thought the point was to be happy. And I am a really long ways from happy. The worst part is knowing that you probably ARE happy. Secure in your decision to end things, busy with your crazy work schedule, hanging out with your bros, and yeah... by now you're probably dating someone new. You're handsome and charming. It wouldn't take long for someone to take interest in you. Women used to admire you when we were out, even with me right beside you! So yeah, I'm pretty sure you're dating. Have you kissed her yet? Made love to her? Fallen asleep with your arms wrapped around her? Do you pull her even closer and kiss the back of her neck, all while you're still asleep, like you used to do with me? Have you forgotten me completely???? I miss you, and I love you, and I wish I didn't. Today I wish I could hate you. It would be so much easier. I wish you'd been a jerk and treated me badly. Then I wouldn't be thinking about how wonderful you are, and how well you treated me, and how now you're giving all of that to someone else, because for whatever reason, I wasn't worthy anymore. Today is a very bad day.

Hawaii and Tahiti call honeymooners. BEACH

My owl understands Spanish exclusively. SUNNY

Oops!! Sorry about that.

Regal elephants stroll in Nepal. STROLL

My ex is in the film industry and worked on that movie, so we went to see it on opening weekend. He was very excited and loved it. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I- a) hated it, and b) didn't particularly understand it. And I agree with you, it was way too long. The last movie I watched was The Intern with Robert DeNiro and Anne Hathaway. I really enjoyed it.

Forecast indicates rain showers tonight. SHINE

Jewelry on kangaroos exemplifies silliness. (okay.. now I need to get some rest ) PANDA

Against everyone's advice I texted you. I had to know. I sent one question... asking if you were happy with your decision. You were silent. And I was FREE. My lingering hope I was so sick of fighting, died. My respect for you also died. Because really, no response... what a low, chickensh*t move, especially from the guy who pleaded with me for some follow up contact when I put NC in place to begin with. Two days passed. I felt great. Happy. Lighter. More hopeful. Now you reply. F'ing two days later, really? Errmm.. okay. AND you tell me you are not happy with your decision, but you "needed to make it", so you did. You are so confusing. Why are you like that?! Against my better judgment I engaged... and now we've been sporadically texting throughout the day. You tell me you miss me "all the time". You tell me I was the person you talked to about everything. You were that for me too. We've talked seriously and about other non-relationship things. It feels good. It feels easy. And I know it is dangerous as f*ck. Everything would be so simple if you could just love me. Why I am worthy of so much from you, everything from you, except your love?

Long ocean voyages evoke remembrance. OTTER

Howard ate breakfast in town. WHEEL

Day # Infinity x eternity..... Wow. I am really struggling today. I want to text him so badly. I know he wants to be friends. I don't want to be friends. What I want is a shove. I feel so completely stuck, so anchored in place by the hope of reconciliation, that I can't seem to let go of. I have no idea how to do this. I've never before had a relationship end, that I *wanted* reconciliation. Either I've been the dumper, or the other party cheated and I wanted nothing more to do with them ever. This is new to me. I know what I need to do. I need to put down the hope, turn around, and walk away. Period. But I can't DO it. Or at least, I haven't been able to so far. I don't like wondering. I don't like 'what ifs'. I don't like assuming how people feel. I'm not satisfied with "If he wanted to reach out, he would." Really? Who can say that for sure?? I want like CRAZY to reach out, and I haven't done it. I need to know. I need to know if he's reconsidered. And if he hasn't, then I need to know that. If he's happy single or happy dating or whatever, that will kill my hope. At this point I think I'd prefer a knife straight to the heart of my hope, rather than this slow, agonizing, lingering death of waiting for it to die on its own. I'm tired of hurting like this.

So. Today is your birthday. And we are currently in week three of 100% no contact. I've seen many posts on here about texting (or being tempted to text) and wishing an ex happy birthday. I can be totally honest and say I feel no such compulsion. Not even the slightest temptation, because of my memories of your birthday last year. It was a Thursday, and though you told me you didn't want to "do anything special" for your birthday, I had no reason to think we wouldn't see each other that night. That morning I texted you "Happy Birthday! Hope your day is off to a great start." Probably with some cute kissy emoticons too. I don't remember. No response. Later in the day, I sent you a flirty text, referencing sex and ice cream and how much I was looking forward to seeing you later. No response. First my feelings were hurt, then I got annoyed. A friend was visiting from out of town and asked me and couple of other mutual friends to get together after work for drinks. I called you first, to try and confirm what our evening plans were. The call dropped into voicemail, and I left a message, which of course you didn't return. My annoyance started to shift to concern. Where were you? Were you okay? Had something bad happened?? I accepted the drink invite, but I was distracted and didn't enjoy being out with my friends. All I could think of was you. I wanted to keep texting and calling, but I didn't. I went home miserable and confused, not knowing if I should be worried or angry or hurt or what. FINALLY, just after 10:30pm.... you texted me. You said you hate your birthday, because you have so many bad memories of past birthdays associated with your ex-wife. So every year, you turn off your phone and hide from the world. You interact with no one, and just lay low until the day is over. Really?! So.... you knew that was how you'd be spending the day, and you couldn't warn me ahead of time? I would have given you your space and left you alone. But because you were too selfish/lazy/inconsiderate/whatever to tell me this, MY entire day was ruined too! After you finally sent that text I was so relieved to know you were okay. I offered to come over, talk, not talk, just be whatever you needed in that moment. Because I loved you and wanted to help. You refused, and said you wouldn't be very good company. A few days later we talked about it. I told you I understand having bad memories associated with certain days. I definitely do. And it sucks having a history of bad birthdays in your past. However... you're making a *choice* to let that trend continue, so that every birthday going forward is a bad one too. Why do that?? Why not reclaim it, and turn it back around into something good again? Especially when you have people who love you, who want to be with you and help make the day a good one. You listened to what I said. You didn't really reply. I wondered what you were thinking in that moment. Now it's a year later. How are you spending this day? It's gloomy and gray outside, perfect for sulking. You had a team training scheduled today. Did you go? Or did you make up some lie, some excuse why you couldn't attend, so that you could go ahead and host your annual pity party instead? I'm really curious. Maybe having something planned, where people are depending on you, helped force you out of your funk today. Or maybe my words from last year sunk in. Or maybe you're hiding at home alone, just like always. I don't know if you're dating any one yet, but if so I hope you had the courtesy to inform her *ahead of time* that she should expect you to be a self-absorbed, pathetic a-hole today. But you couldn't manage to do that for me last year, and we'd been dating seven months at that point. I'm really annoyed with you right now, as I think back to last year. It's not just the birthday thing. It's everything. All your ex-wife baggage.... really? Four years later? SET IT DOWN, and step away. Or least handle it yourself and stop expecting the new women in your life to help you tote it around. You're 43 today. Grow the f*ck up.

Day Whatever of NC... And it's really, really hard. I mean really. Yesterday I woke up having dreamed about him. All day the urge to contact him was strong. It wasn't really about wanting to reconcile, and if he walked in right now and wanted to kiss me I think I'd say no. But I FREAKING MISS HIM so badly. Such a big part of our relationship really *was* friendship. It was talking and support and shared interests, and telling each other about our day etc. Just everything. I feel SO alone, with no one to talk to. I have friends and they are supportive but it's not the same. Over the last year and a half he became my BEST friend. The one I shared everything with, the who knew every detail of my life. The one who understood anything I was facing at any given moment, because he was always up to speed on the details of my life. I miss that. I miss being understood and supported so completely, without having to explain anything. I know he misses it too, and I know this is the main reason he wants to stay friends. He wants to keep that part of us. I may get to a point where that is possible, I don't know. It's still too early to say. Something good happened for me yesterday afternoon. I won't go into details here, but it was something that he and I shared, that he would have been thrilled to hear about. Something no one else in my life really understands or gives a crap about. The urge to text him that I'd been fighting all day amplified about 1000x after this happened. And it's extra tough because I *know* he'd respond. He'd be happy, ask questions, then want to know how I am etc. This isn't some angry break up where he doesn't want to hear from me. He DOES. We are only NC because I insisted upon it. I have moments where it seems so stupid. He's out of my life right now, not because of his choice but because of mine. True, he's the one who changed the dynamic of the relationship, but *I'm* the one who essentially kicked him out of my life. So if I'm missing him right now... really... whose fault is that?? I was strong and didn't contact him, but I used a sort of postponement in order to pull that off and stay NC. The exciting thing that happened will finalize next Wednesday. I told myself if I still want to contact him then, then I can do so. This deal with myself made the immediately urgency go away, and hopefully I'll be in better place next week and not want to contact him anyway. But who knows. NC is just really hard. I'm doing it, but I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread right now.

Two weeks ago today we spoke for what was probably the very last time. You seemed so panicked, wanting me to agree to stay in contact, to be your friend, to hold your hand while you search for a woman you can *really* love in the magical, unicorns-n-rainbows manner that you seem to require. I said no. You chose this path, now you get to walk it alone. Or at least, without me by your side. So... how's that going?? I know your work schedule is insane right now. Six day weeks, 10-14 hour days. You must be exhausted. And yet, am I a bad person that I find it sort of amusing that your commute is an hour each way, when it could be half an hour? Because you pass right by my house every morning, and every night. I shouldn't think stuff like that. I know. I guess there is a little part of me that's still throbbing with hurt, that wants you to hurt too, even if that hurt is just lack of sleep and wasted gas money. Sigh. I'm guessing you haven't had much chance to cruise for your Shiny New Woman yet. Not with that schedule. And so you may still be missing me a bit. Missing the companionship, missing the hours of hot, sweaty sex. Maybe even missing my washer and dryer,... since you are back to using the local Laundromat now. Ha. Have fun with that! (Oops, sorry... got bitter and mean again. Bad gypsybird. Stop that!) Anyway, once you have time to date, you'll probably forget all about me. If you haven't already. And you'll probably be relieved that we didn't stay friends, because the kind of high maintenance, demanding b*tch you seem to be in search of would likely not tolerate you hanging out with the girl you dated/slept with for a year and a half. So whatever companionship, acceptance and support you need, I hope she can provide it for you. Because I won't be there to do so. Personally I think you're in for a serious reality check, but whatever... not my problem. So, how am I feeling about you? Well. I can't say hindsight is 20/20, but two weeks of solid NC has me to maybe 20/60 or so. I'm seeing our relationship a lot more clearly now. What it was. What it wasn't. What worked. What didn't. Why it was probably always destined to fail, because it takes two people to make a relationship work, and you were only providing about 2/3 of yourself. Maybe not even that much, who knows. I've also discovered that you are more insecure, selfish and weak that I previously realized. Unfortunately, so am I. There is work to be done before I try to date again, that's for sure. I still love you. Part of me will probably always love you. But the "in love" with you part of me is fading fast. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Another thread was recently posted talking about the same thing. It feels sad to watch this part of me dying away. It's the flipside closure to the relationship, I guess... so it feels final in a different way than our breakup did. You not in love with me = door swinging closed. But me no longer in love with you? That's the door actually closing and locking forever on a future that will not happen. And even if you were to change your mind and knock on that door someday, I'm pretty sure it will stay closed and locked. Why would I let you in again? If you really wanted to be here, you wouldn't have left. And that's really all there is to say.

So uh... It's day 13, I think. I'm trying to stop being so dialed in on the day count, but our final conversation was two weeks ago as of tomorrow. Anyway... I spent the entire weekend alone. Between going dancing on Friday night (I'm part of a salsa club), until this morning, I interacted with no one but my dog. I don't mean that as pathetic as it sounds. I had friends I could have called, things I could have done. I just didn't feel like it. It was quiet and peaceful. Also pouring down rain which made it kinda nice to just stay home. I spent a lot of time vegging in front of the tv, watching old movies and other miscellaneous crap. But I also spent a lot of time... processing, I guess would be the word. Thinking about the relationship. How it began. How it progressed (and *didn't progress*), and how it ended. Thinking about red flags I missed, and more importantly, the red flags I saw but chose to ignore. Thinking about the ways we were so compatible, and good together. And the ways we were not. Which is more ways than I originally wanted to see or admit to myself. Catfeeder (as usual) was right: this relationship always had an expiration date. And part of me knew that. I just kept hoping it would change. That was unrealistic and over-romanticized of me. It's hard to see that though, when you're in the middle of it. I think NC is doing its job. It's giving me distance, and with distance comes clarity. I still love him, but not quite as deeply as I thought. Apparently there was a part of my heart that knew better, and held back. I was a lot deeper 'in' than he was, but I don't think I was 'all in' either. Two of my closest friends, who know the situation best, are convinced he will come back. Maybe not soon, but someday. I disagree. I think if I decide not to contact him in regards to staying friends, then we will literally never speak again. And maybe that would be best. I don't know. But there's a part of me that does still want him to come back. To say this was all a mistake and that he does love me and he was an idiot for not realizing it sooner etc blah blah blah. And so NC must continue, until that part of me is gone. I recently watched the movie Inside Out. It's a really cute animated film, about the emotions that run around in our heads and control what we do. In the movie it was Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust and Anger. I feel like I have my own version of this going on. A crew of emotions battling each other for control. Love: That's the piece of me that is dying to break NC. Text him, call him. What if he's changed his mind and is pining for us and is only staying silent because he's respecting our NC demand??? What if, what if, what if?!?!!!! She's an emotional, crazy wreck still, that part of me, and it's imperative that I don't let her run things, even for a moment. Fear: What if we do contact him, and he is happy with his decision and maybe even seeing someone new??? What if we get hurt all over again??? Yikes... Anger: Why the hell do we want a guy that would do this to us? Dump us and leave to go find something more sparkly and interesting. AND have the nerve to ask us to watch, and support him as a friend. Seriously, what a selfish #$%^&@*!!!! Logic: If he wanted to be with us, he would. If he had a change of heart, he would say so, he would not wait and keep silent. He has not changed his mind. He will not change his mind. Waiting and hoping serves no purpose. Time to let go and move on. Sadness: I'm tired of being left. Why does no one ever love us enough to stay???? -- This part of me is pretty unstable. Can't let her drive either. She'd put us over a cliff without a second thought. You get the idea. I think this weekend Logic was in charge, and now everything seems a bit calmer. A bit clearer. It doesn't hurt any less though. Well.. maybe a little less. I think this is progress. Only time will tell.

Well, today sucked. I tried a stronger sleep aid last night and actually got some rest, but I haven't eaten much today and I got zero work done. Again. I seriously need to get my sh*t together or I'm going to be broke and homeless as well as single. Much of the day was spent looking at his Facebook page and agonizing over the need to block him there. Not to prevent him from looking (which I doubt he does), but to prevent me. His happy, smiling, handsome photos... The silly profile pic I took of him, on a fun outing eight months ago... Bleh. I literally made myself sick looking at his page. Ice cold, clammy hands, couldn't breathe, tight sick feeling in the stomach. On another forum I'm on we call this pain shopping. And I don't know why people, including me, do it. I guess it's that need for some tiny little remaining connection. Some brief peek into their life, though in this case I saw nothing new. But what if I had? What if his profile pic was no longer the one I took, but another happy photo clearly taken by someone else? Oh how my mind would have spun then. Finally I remembered advice that I have given others who were pain shopping in this manner: Every time you do it, you are breaking NC. The fact that it's stealthy and one sided and the ex has no idea you're doing it, is totally irrelevant. It is STILL broken NC. And NC = no new hurts. So. I blocked him. It had a ridiculous but very real feeling of finality to it. And I cried, for the first time in three days. Over something so small. Stupid, right? But I think it wasn't just the act of blocking on Facebook, it was taking another step back. It was adding another layer to the wall between us. The wall he started that I now have to finish, because he's not strong enough to do it himself, and wants to stay "friends". To anyone here who is pain shopping like I was, try to see it for what it is: breaking NC. Stop. Just take a deep breath, and stop. If you need support, ask for it. I posted here asking for a virtual shove to help me do it, and got lots of support. We are all here for each other. Goodnight, day ten.

A friend texted me "whiskey tango foxtrot. W.t.f. does that mean? Is it some old person saying I don't know about??"

Nasdaq- what an awesome post!! Let it all out, way to go. You should be angry. The worst feeling is when you know damn well in your GUT that something isn't right, and they make you feel crazy for feeling that way. It takes a true low life to do that to someone they claim to love. You are well rid of him. I love your line: Don't look back, because I won't be there. Well said.

Day 9 draws to a quiet close. I missed him a lot today, but the good news I suppose is that I did the Pinterest block. It was a bit of a relief to see all his pin alerts drop off my news feed, and to know that when I pin something he'll no longer be alerted either. It's not like a Facebook block. I can still visit his page, and if he wishes he can see mine. But the in-my-face alerts with his name are gone. It's bittersweet...that was our last active connection and now it is gone. Cope, I too work from home. I have a gal who works for me s few hours a week, but mostly it's just me and my little dog. It's peaceful, but lonely. Especially at times like this. I miss him so much. Just talking to him, sharing things about my day, and hearing about his. I know that he misses me too. I'm sure there's a part of him that is regretting his decision, and maybe even questioning it. But I'm also sure he won't reverse it. And that hurts, but there's nothing I can do about it. Time as well as excellent advice on my main thread are helping me do some honest reflection back over this relationship. In hindsight I think I knew it was doomed to fail at some point. I just wanted so badly to be wrong about that. As I start to feel calmer about all this, the urge to break NC gets stronger. But I know that would be a mistake. So I'm holding strong. I suspect the appropriate time to break contact is when you don't feel like breaking contact anymore. When it's a non-concern one way or the other. Right now I can't imagine getting to that point. But I feel differently now than I did a week ago, so who knows. A guy friend who was also dumped told me he wouldn't break NC because "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." Well put. Goodnight, day nine. I did my best today. Maybe you'll even let me sleep tonight.

Glad I found this thread. I need the support. I've been updating on my main thread but will post my NC struggles here from now on. So... Day 8,362 of no contact. Wait... no. It's day EIGHT. NC must get easier because there is no way I can last 60 days (or more) if it stays like this. I'm not crying every moment but I still can think of nothing but him. Eating and sleeping are still a mess. Worst of all is that I am self-employed. There is no time clock to punch, no boss standing over me. I have to self discipline on both my schedule and my productivity. Yesterday I got nothing done. I promised myself today would be better. So far? Nothing done. I can't stay on task. I think, hurt, and read/post here. That's it. Besides work, there are some other things I know I need to do. 1. Block him on Pinterest. For whatever reason this did not de-link even when I unfollowed him there and then unfriended him on FB. So Pinterest still alerts me every time he pins something. He is also still following me on there. Once I block him all that will go away. And I can't bring myself to do it, because it's our last remaining active connection. Which is precisely WHY I need to do it... I know that. 2. Delete his contact info from my phone. Though I have his number memorized so it will still be in my brain. 3. Delete our text thread. After the initial breakup, I deleted our texting. I had everything going back to the day we met, Nov 1st 2014. Thousands of texts. Hundreds of photos. I deleted the whole thing immediately. Now, what I have is the sporadic texting we did between breakup day and last Tuesday, when I initiated NC. I need to delete. I know. But for some reason this is harder than deleting the entire prior history was. I have no idea why. Last bit of hope? Denial? 4. Photos. I've deleted some. I need to delete more. Select one or two and ditch the rest. But I can't seem to do it. Maybe it's too soon for some of these things, and it will come as I heal more. Or maybe I won't heal more, until I do these things. I just don't know. All I know is I hurt, and I miss him, and I don't want this to be my reality. I want to wake up.

Day seven of NC and it feels like a month. Unless I am fully engaged in something, you are on my mind. Every moment. They say your heart belongs to the first person you think of in the morning, and the last person you think of at night. So apparently my heart still belongs to you. Not that you care.... Are you missing me AT ALL?? You panicked when I outlined NC. Said you didn't want that, didn't want to lose me. You really had an agenda going, that involved me keeping you company and stroking your ego, while you shop around for this Magical Mystery Woman who can make you all twitterpatted like your b*tch of an ex. Honestly, I never thought of you as SELFISH until now. I never thought of you as WEAK, until now. I never thought of you as quite this broken, until now. It's really sad... and sort of unattractive actually. But I still love you. See, because that's how love works- you accept the person with ALL their flaws, and love them fully. Perhaps you'll finally realize that when try to date someone else. Someone who may not be so accepting of your crazy schedule, extreme hobbies, and unconventional living arrangements. Someone who won't understand what you've been through, and why you are the way you are. Someone who will stomp on your heart just like your ex did. I don't wish that on you, I really don't. But I think that's where you're going to end up. And I think you're going to regret letting me go. I was stronger than you expected, wasn't I? You seemed really thrown that I wasn't willing to jump at the chance to be your friend. That I demanded more, and won't stand for being devalued and demoted to a spectator on the sidelines of your lovelife. That I requested no contact and am now standing by it, even though it's SO DAMN HARD. One of us has to be strong here. I guess it has to be me.