artapalooza

Hang in there. I am going thru the same thing now and have done it before. It's so tough sometimes. But as everyone else has said, it will get better each day and love will swing your way again.

Thanks for your response muneca. I really didn't think about a tendency against comittment. She was unhappy in her marriage of seven years. She tried really hard to make it work and perhaps she might fear that it will happen again, even though I would do everything I could to ensure my love to her. Perhaps I have qualities that her ex has and it scares her )

Thanks sdw. I tend to agree with how you look at "it". I too, believe that each new love can have comparably different reasons for it to exist and that a definition or how one would quantify love, can be unique to each person. There are many factors to being able to fall in love: timing, experience, personalities, etc. Your comments have provided another way to see things.

My experience: I am 37 and my g/f and I are currently breaking up, but not because of her child. She was the first "mother" I have dated and I felt very nervous about meeting her daughter and getting to know her daughter because I was afraid of her getting used to seeing me...she is only 4 years old...soon to be 5. Well, the opposite has happened as well. I got used to seeing her daughter and I really care for that spunky, energetic girl. It makes me so sad that I will not be able to be there anymore. I don't mind dating women with children, but I think I will not get so close next time.

The consequences of not being true to oneself in a relationship can be damaging to others as well as yourself. We are at the beginning of breaking up and it is really hard on both of us right now. It's tough to have an objective look when there are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around. The following quote sums my current state of mind: "And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - kahil Gibran "It" is evoking some tremendous hurt...

Wow, very similar. It's weird to be "almost" the one. What is the characteristic that is lacking? Can one truly love without the "it"? Or does one know what the "it" is? I wonder if my g/f is expecting the "it" to be some overwhelming feeling that "comes to her" like an epiphany. I cannot get accross to her that having differences is a chance to learn and respect the other. But for her perhaps, the differences are too great.

I have been in a relationship with a woman for nine months and this last weekend we decided that perhaps we don't have what it takes to make this a lifelong commitment. We love each other, we enjoy our time together, and have had great fun together. But her explanation was that she doesn't feel "it" with me. And in fact, even though she was previously married for several years, she said she didn't feel "it" with him either. She has told me that I have all the qualities she looks for in a man and thinks that I would make a great husband and father...but she doesn't feel "it". We do have some differences, mainly that I am an artist and she can't relate well to that. Also, she is originally from Russia and there are some cultural and language barriers that we have to overcome. She also has had only 3 relationships even though she is 30. But I am always optimistic and I love her and don't want the relationship to end even though I am abiding by her wishes. I think I know what she means by "it", but I would like to hear what that means for other women.........thanks.

What a horrible article. Men, thumps your chests! We are men! Goal-oriented,clear speaking men! What a joke! Plus, he uses an example from a sitcom 40 years ago! Who lives like that anymore?!?!?!? I have never met a woman who behaved like that either personally or preofessionally. Is this what men read? God save us!!!!

You have been helpful...I appreciate your comments

I think we may have different views about love. Although she is 30, she has little experience with relationships other than a six year marriage where she felt no love. She admits a mistake by getting married in the first place. I also find that by expressing what people love about each other enriches the relationship and keeps the door open for honest communication.

Well, I don't think she wants to lock herself to the future either and neither do I. If she doesn't want to feel more committed, then why bring out the "I love you" when it is just an indefinible feeling that can be easily confused with sex or infatuation . Those 3 words carry alot of weight.

Having little in common can be a problem or a good thing. It's a problem when one or both of you are strong-willed about what you do/don't like. It's good if you try to experience each other's interests in an honest way. I think he's trying to figure some things out and determine whether those things you don't have in common are really that significant to the relationship.

After 3 weeks and about 5 dates, my current gf said that she loved me...I was shocked. Considering my past experiences of being in love, and what love means to me, this statement seemed more like infatuation. Four months later, we are still together and although I can express with words why I love her, she cannot. She says it's just a feeling and she cannot express why other than that she loves me but is unsure whether she sees it as a lifetime commitment...that's ok with me, I don't know if she is the one either. My problem I guess is that she cannot put into words what love means to her. I am not asking her to declare profound love, or to commit to everlasting love or for her to know exactly what she wants. I'm just hoping to know what she means when she says "I love you". She is a genuinely shy person and guards her feelings, but I'm a person who has experienced empty "I love you" declarations. I don't want to pressure her into anything, but I cannot continue without a more meaningful expression. Certainly, she feels something, but why can't she put to words why she loves me?? Help...