NYCwoman

first of all you are a strong woman for coming here and attempting to rationalize this situation. It's easy to freak and make rash decision in this situation. But because you obvously care for him and the relationship, you are attempting to get some advice and different points of view. First you have to determine whether or not you want to fight for this relationship. Is he worth it? Can you live with having these suspicions? And for how long? i agree with the poster who recommended a break. HE may have some skeletons in his closet that he may need to take care of, whether or not you are by his side. My advice? Confront him and give him an OPTION...tell him to take some time (as much as he needs...whether or not you will be there you will realize on your own when the time comes) and figure out what he wants. If it's meant to be, then it will be. I had the SAME suspicions and like you, while using his phone I found numerous text messages that were highly inappropriate, from both parties. The girl he was messaging with obviously did not know he had a girlfriend (me!) and he was not telling me about this new "friend" in his life. So I confronted him and let HIM try to explain himself...in the end...we decided to "take a break" all the while I let him know that I was NOT about to have an open relationship and would NOT stand for his emotional infidelity (another poster eluded to this "pre-acting" before the actual physical cheating) and so after hours of talking and hugging and etc...although it BROKE my heart, I let him go. Did I do the right thing? I really believe i did...and I know he WILL come back. A REAL man appreciates a great woman by his side, and so I know he will be back. Elly...go with your heart and LOVE yourself first. Do what feels best and right and will allow you to have the welf-worth you deserve. Life is shorst but life is also long and if you want to spend your life with someone, then it should be the right person. I will be rooting for you...J

Sweetie...I feel your pain. I was once in a relationship with a man who had ED. It was a result of a physcial accident in his teens, but because of it he lost a lot of his "playing" time i.e. high school/college girlfriends... It is a HUGE problem and although everyone seems to be focusing on your cheating, it's a BIGGER issue. He SHOULD and MUST get help, because it goes beyond the physical problem. It is eating away at him and wreaking havoc on him mentally and emotionally...and because you love him and are married to him and have had his children, it affects you. It is VERY hard for a man to seek medical help because they are afraid of being "found out" and humiliated. But doctors and staff who handle these medical problems are extremely tactful and often believe that psych help is as essential as the physical procedures it may take to help a patient. For now, please stop cheating and focus that energy on fixing the problem. I know what it is not be able to have sex because your partner is unable to. I know the frustration and helplessness, there was a time I thought that I was the one with a problem in not being able to arouse him, but that was just a defense mechanism. There are many resources out there. But try out bumc.bu.edu/Dept/Content.aspx?PageID=6735&DepartmentID=371 Dr. Goldstein is absolutely wonderful. Good luck. And please write if you need more support. I am rooting for you.

Outlaw, actually those lines were from the same guy. It's been a little over one month since I confronted him about his infidelities. Although "HE" had never taken anything to a physical level, i felt that the intent was there and that is cheating. He still hasn't admitted to having cheated, or really having done anything along. Amazing. Unbelievable actually. But I mean him SO much and because i loved him it's still very hard to go a day without thinking about him as I tucky mysel in for the night. I think cheaters think that these "lines" are actually backhanded compliments. There just more daggers to my already fragile heart. Cheating hurts a lot more than one person.

"You're beautiful, smart, etc. you're PERFECT, you deserve better anyway" NO you beast, I LOVED you it wasn't about deserving anything, it was about love and you crushed my heart. "You want marriage and children and you want it on your timeline, I don't know when I'll be ready for that" Damn it, no...there IS no timeline, I'm just happy to have found someone who I THOUGHT I could have that with and now you've ruined it and made me hurt like I never have. "Our relationship just went so fast and got serious too soon and I didn't expect it" Um, no...we were in this together from day one you monster, it takes two, and what did you expect being in a relationship for a year? It's only NATURAL that we get more serious with time. AND AFTER all this I got: "But I don't want to lose you, let's just take a break" What, like you haven't destroyed my trust and love enough?

It's still so hard...it's been a month since I left him for cheating...the first Sunday after that day was so horrible I hated myself and the world and thought I'd never survive...it's three Sundays later and I'm here I'm 10 times better...but when you're starting from less than nothing, it's not much, and i'm still here sick and sad and missing him. Last night was the night that I was supposed to meet his parents. So I don't understand why he would plan a dinner like that and cheat on me? I can't help but think if I hadn't confronted him he would have just stopped talking to these other women...that maybe because I left him he went and took his relationships to a physical level and now I'll never get him back? But then my head overtakes my heart and I tell myself that's ridiculous, that I did the best thing and i'm better for it. But then why do I miss him so much? It's a dull aching that won't go away...then I think did he take one of these other girls to the dinner? But I know he wouldn't because it took him so long to open up to me, there's no way...but then again I didn't think of him as a cheater and I was wrong huh? I called him a few days ago to remind him to take his clothes, etc. from my place. They've been with my doorman for two weeks now, he knows that...they're quite expensive clothes...business wear which I know he needs so I can't imagine he doesn't care about them. He just responded "okay" and he sounded so sad. But why is he donig this then? He was so selfish in his acts when he cheated on me and again he's being selfish. If he took his stuff at least i'd have closure...but he doesn't want to give me that either...i'm so sad...

I just got up from sleeping...got home from work at 6 (couldn't stay there anymore) and just went straight to bed...it's 11 now...I've been throwing myself into work SO HARD to try and get through my days that I reached a point today where I just had to pick myself up and go home. When I left work I knew that it was exactly what I was going to do...i'm not doing well... The last time I spoke with my BF was Thursday night...where I ended it FINALLY and I haven't heard from him. That hurts. Although I told him I didn't want to to hear from him unless he had something good to say...it still hurts. I told him i'd leave his stuff with my doorman...he still hasn't come to get it...and in a way I don't want him too, because that would really mean it's over...is that sick or what? I know more than anything I can't be with him, but more than anything, I want to be with him... I'm losing weight like mad and now i'm resorting to sleeping earlier because it just makes the next day come faster...I feel like i'm spinning out of control slowly...I cry about the smallest things...i'm a mess. I'm so depressed...I love him still and miss him even more...I think i'm getting to the point where I feel like I know what depression tastes like...

that's horrible to know you had a hand in breaking up a marriage. I honoestly don't even want to get into the talking to his ex-wife thing...he had said that SHE was the cause...but I think it takes two...but then again...he has SERIOUS issues. I do feel used...it's a horrible feeling... I have a better idea of what kind of person he is...I used to HATE it when people told me "time heals" but it's true...it's been like 10 days now and I feel amazingly better (not 100% by any means) and actually feel sorry for HIM... Thanks for your support...everyone...I will continue to post...gosh, I'm so glad I found you guys...

How is that possible? It's been one week since I left my boyfriend. And now it's not a matter of having been cheated on...it's about not understanding why he just won't confess and ask me back. I realize that sounds pathetic to anyone who's never had someone cheat on them... I just don't understand...maybe I should have known better from the start. When I met him a year ago he had separated from his wife and I had no intention of dating him. But he actually pursued me in a pleasant way (as opposed to bugging me) and so I gave him a chance. I'm a very rationale person, so all the while I kept in mind that he was emotionally scarred from his pending divorce, so I followed his lead, letting him dictate our relationship. But somehow we moved very fast and in a matter of 6 months we had already taken vacations, met all each other's friends/coworkers, attended work functions together...and the whole time I was there for him every step of the way...listening and supporting him while he shared stories of his failed marriage...helping him with the sale of his house...taking care of little things so his day to day life wouldn't fall apart...and in turn he was wonderful and kind and said/did all the right things a boyfriend does. Two or three times we had had discussions about how fast things were moving...and each time i had backed off a little...and each time HE was the one who sped things up...we met with HIS friends more...we spent weekends with HIS friends more...we were attending dinners for HIS business functions...attending HIS friends' weddings...he would say repeatedly how "perfect" I was...beautiful, smart, grounded, funny, caring...i'm a VERY nurturing person by nature and LOVED taking care of him and our relationship...my father passed away a month ago and he was by my side the entire time at the wake and the funeral and around my family… A few weeks ago, he asked for space again...and this time I got this DISGUSTING feeling in my stomach that something was up. So I did what I have never believed in...I snooped. And I found proof that he was definitely seeing someone else...if not physically, then definitely emotionally...I confronted him...he denied it, saying it was a "friend" and that we didn't have to know every single acquaintance and friend of each others...but we had gotten to a point in our relationship that we were entwined in each other's lives enough so that we talked about/to each others friends comfortably. So I knew something was up. A week later, after returning from a business trip, I snooped again. And still there was inappropriate communication going on. When I came home there were beautiful roses and even an early (3 days early) birthday gift of diamonds...and I knew in my gut it was probably an act of guilt. So I told him I wouldn't stand for it and that I wanted out. THAT WAS SO HARD. But I didn't want to be in a relationship where I couldn't trust my partner...it was KILLING ME. Again, he denied it stating we were perfect together...BUT he did say that he had "hung out" with this woman a couple of times but she was nothing...but the point is there was SOMETHING. He said he didn't want to lose me but he perhaps did want space...that he knew I had marriage in mind. Well OF COURSE I did! If you find someone and things are wonderful you naturally want more...but i had NEVER mentioned it to him...but he said I didn't need to b/c as perfect as i was it was something i "Deserved" and "should have" but he just didn't know if he could anytime soon. I responded that he was an idiot and that it wasn't about marriage right now...I felt that he had jumped from a marriage and then right in with me and it was not MY FAULT ALONE that our relationship had moved so fast...I said "if it looks like one and it smells like one...you ARE in a committed relationship" So I told him never to contact me b/c I needed to heal and get over him...he begged me not to do this...he just asked for some time and space...and I left him like that. It's been a week...he's called a few times and emailed a few times...onys/nights he DOESN'T I make myself sick thinking whether he's with her. His communications seem SO natural as if he doesn't realize that I LEFT HIM FOR INFIDELITY...I hope his therapist can help him. HE says he truly misses me...god it KILLS me when he says that. Yet, he hasn't asked to SEE me...partly b/c he has said that the minute he lays eyes on me he gets weak... I LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM. Do you know what I hope for? That he's not seeing her...that he's taking this time to really think...and he will come back to me with a clean slate...b/c as much as I thought I never could...I CAN take him back. I WANT HIM back. I don't know if I believe in the once a cheater saying...I don't want to. Have any of you ever taken someone back? And how did that work out? I can't eat...I can't sleep...I really need some advice...my friends are wonderful but because they love me naturally they tell me to forget about him and move on. But that is ultimately up to me and I would like to think that I can give him a second chance. But because he hasn't technically asked to have me back it just makes me wonder if he's been with her lately…