Striver

ok...Here is how this played out. I asked her out, she agreed, and the place I asked her to, clearly indicated my romantic intentions. I figured ok, lets see if this is going to go somewhere or I am "friendzoned" as you call it. Well she breaks the date at the last minute, with some "emergency" that imho was most likely just an excuse. However, I kept my reaction nice, and did not get angry or anything. When she broke it, she suggested we get together the following week. I say, ok, fine lets get together the next week. I was about 90% certain she would break it again, but I thought, lets be sure. And sure enough, the day of the date, she breaks it, this time saying that we should perhaps limit our contact to emails and maybe the occasional lunch and let things cool for awhile. And this time I came back and said, that this is something I would not be happy with. That I told her how I felt several weeks ago and my intentions are for something more in the relationship. At which point she said, "well I am not saying forever, but let it rest for awhile". Well I am moving on. But it baffles the devil out of me. And I guess that leads to my questions. Why did she not just end it right there at the beginning when she told me she was having a physical relationship with someone else. If she would have just said, hey I am involved with someone else right now, and I cannot continue to see you, it sure would have caused alot less pain than dragging it on for a couple of weeks. Second question, why would she even agree to two dates with obvious romantic intentions then break them off at the last minute? Would it not be better just to say No from the start? She could even have said two weeks ago, hey I see you as a friend and nothing more, and then I would have moved on right there. Why could she just have been honest with me? This whole time, I have treated her nicely and with respect. She knows i would not be a jerk about it. Was she doing all this, to get me to react and become angry so she would have had "reasons" caused by me to break up? And lastly, why just not "end" it at the end' This idea of "well I am not saying its forever" sounds to me like total BS. Is all this just a "friendzoned" thing, or can someone outside the situation, explain to me what really happened so I will learn for the future.

Well, I decided to take a direct approach. I asked her to meet me over lunch so we could talk. I told her I felt angry and was a bit jealous over what she told me the other night, because I felt that we should be the relationship where we have a physical one. I did not bring any emotional stuff into it, and tried to keep everything positive. I just stated what I wanted out of the relationship. The friendship is very important but I want more. I asked her to think over my position and let me know. The rest of the lunch was pleasant, and at the end she indicated she wanted to continue to see me, and will think over what I said. But who knows how this will turn out. At least she did not turn me down outright. and I have made the attempt.

I believe you are right that I will stuck in this friendship wanting more forever. You know, I wanted a relationship with someone I could love and also be my friend. That friendship part was really important to me because I thought that it would cement a long lasting relationship together. But that must have been all she ever saw in me, just her friend. It sounds very much like the best answer is to move on, though right now it hurts like hell.

"What does she say when you tell her that you love her?" Well she did not say she loved me in return. She did tell me that she cared about me and that my friendship was an important part of her life. She said she really like the sexual part that this new relationship awakened in her. She was a single uncommitted woman and was enjoying it. I told her that for me, its not just the sexual part, its also about having romantic feelings as well.

I need to ask how I should deal with my situation. I am in love with someone. I have also been this person's friend for several years. We have not been physically involved, nor what I would define as romantic dating, but we have been seeing each other regularly, say once every week or two, and we exchange emails regularly, almost daily. About a year ago, I wanted to have a physical relationship but she told me that she wanted to stay just friends for awhile. Well tonight we got together, had a few beers, and she told me she wanted to be honest and let me know she has been in "just" a physical relationship with someone for the past two weeks. She likes just the sex part, without the commitments and wants to continue it. I was not sure how to react. She asked me how I felt and I told her that I do love her very much and her friendship means alot to me, however, what she just told me bothers me inside and I am not sure how I deal with it. And so, that is my question, how to I deal with something like this? In my heart I love her, and it hurts inside to know that she is intimate with someone else, but not I. I had hopes that her and I could someday become something more, and have a committed relationship. I also highly value her friendship. I care about her alot Part of me wants to put up all the walls, try to distance myself, to not feel the emotional involvement. I am really not sure right now. What should I do?

I had a relationship with a classic commitment-phobic (CP), off and on, over the past two years. She broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago and I never want to go back to that situation again. I started no contact, though I cannot avoid her entirely since we work in the same office building. I also went out and read a couple relationship books, including one on CPs. I was not even aware of what was happening, could not see the forrest for the trees, till one of the members here pointed out what was going on. I am experiencing alot of anger and hurt. I feel like she used me, and was dishonest. Of course, I am partly to blame for letting her do that. Couple that with the love I still feel for her and its a really mixed up time. I wish there was an easy way to let go, to not let my mind wander to thoughts of her. I have debated making a "list" of all the things she has done that has hurt me, and reading it each time I want to go back. If you have any tips, some good initial steps, for this early period, it would be appreciated.

My gf and I broke up, still hanging in with the NC (but it sure does hurt), but I found a bit of comfort in this poem by Yeats, that I want to share: When You are Old by William Butler Yeats When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face; And bending down beside the glowing bars, Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled And paced upon the mountains overhead And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Thanks for the responses! It sounds like No Contact is best for the moment. Not the easiest thing for sure. It seems alot of people enter into relationships going just on how they feel and it takes losing someone you really care about, to motivate oneself to sit down and start learning relationships 101. Ah...for those who know those skills naturally, they are the lucky ones... You will probably see me back here asking for more advice. Thanks.

About a week ago my gf and I broke up and I would like some advice. Here is what happened: The Friday before the weekend we were due to go out that evening. We work in the same building and I emailed her a good morning and asked about the movie we were planning on seeing. I did not get a reponse for about 2 hours but when I did she told me she was upset at being late for work, and she did not feel like going out that evening. She said go ahead and take it personal but she did not feel like it. I was called off to a meeting before I had a chance to respond. About 30 minutes later I run into her in the elevator, and rather that be super friendly I was cool and reserved. When I got back to my desk, I received another email telling me if I was not friendly with her, how could she believe I cared and she wanted no part of that equation. I was sitting there a bit stunned then I received a 3rd email, telling me she was sorry for the first two, she was really upset and just wanted to be alone. After that 3rd email, I started screwing up. I sent her 1 email, asking her, "could we talk". No response. After about an hour, I called her a three times. No answer on the phone each time. I decided to walk up to see her and she had left for the day. I then sent her an email, basically asking her why she was treating me this way, and shouldn't people talk and work things out...that sort of thing. Well did not hear from here all weekend. The Monday, I receive an short email that basically said she was sorry for her behavior and that her need for solitude overwhelmed her. I responded saying I was sorry for disturbing her solitude and mentioned that I was planning on going out for pizza the next day and she was welcome to come along if she wished and we could talk. Well about an hour later I get a long letter basically saying her behavior was not good for me and that I should find someone else. When her need for solitude arises, she has no need for talking and sharing. It was basically a nice way of saying its over. I . sent her an email back saying if you want me out of your life, I am gone and I do not want any contact with her again, work or otherwise. My tone was not friendly. it was short, abrupt and I ended it saying 'just leave me alone". A day later after some reflection, not enough, I sent her another long email that was pretty critical of her behavior. Saying that she had been unfair...not communicating...she was stringing me along...ect. And that while I did love her, it was clear it was not working out...And its best she is gone from my life. Well I am in what you all call the "No Contact" period. I have had much more time to think. I have picked up a couple of relationship books. Wish I had read them before. Clearly I have alot of work to do. The real reason I think she broke up with me was that I was too giving. She had lost respect for me and I came accross as needy. I have that problem of being "too much a nice guy" and too giving into her demands during a relationship. I do love her, and woulld like her back, but I also realize I really need to improve myself and alot of things to work on before I enter back into a relationship. So my question is this. Should I just maintain the "No Contact" totally and wait for her to get in touch with me, if ever. I realize I really slammed the door with my last two emails to her. Or should I drop her a simple note, saying I am sorry for being so harsh (which i am), and wish her the best? (my instinct is mixed on this, if I send her something trying to at least end things on a positive note, she may just see it as manipulative. And the truth is, I would like to improve my relationship skills and try again, but not now)