boltnrun

I'll have to hold off seeing a doctor until I get to my new state. I only have Monday and Tuesday here and I won't be able to fit in a doctor visit what with all the packing. One thing I plan to do is sleep in tomorrow. With training I had to start class at 7 am and I haven't been sleeping much so I was awake at about 4:30 am every day. And this morning I was up at 5 to go to Walmart. Now that training is done and I have all day to pack I am hoping to stay in bed until about 8:30 am. Problem is my cat gets into my face meowing loudly if I'm not up by 5:30 getting her breakfast, but I could feed her and then go back to bed. It sounds like such a luxury! I did eat some frozen pizza (I cooked it first). It didn't taste all that great but I got food in me. I might make some pudding tonight as I have developed quite a sweet tooth since I started having trouble with anxiety (last Fall). I make sugar-free pudding with lactose free milk. It's very yummy! I do wish I'd thought to pick up some non-dairy frozen dessert this morning but I won't make a special trip to the store just for that. I saw a woman a couple of weeks ago with her mask and all that at the store and she was just buying a six pack of beer! I guess she really wanted her beer! Anyway, sweets have been really the only thing that interests me food-wise, but fortunately I only do sugar-free or low sugar. And not frequently. I think once I'm settled in my new home near my kids and family I will feel much better. One of my soon to be coworkers was told to just wait at home until they have a spot for him in an existing location since ours isn't opening until mid-summer. I hope they tell me the same thing! And that it's not a place that requires me to travel!

Just to complicate things, I have a lot of dietary restrictions. No dairy, no nuts, no red meat, no chocolate. I find that most nutrition bars have at least one of those things in them. And even cereal bars have hidden nuts ground up into them. And I eat very seldom. Nothing appeals to me. Which is disappointing because I usually love food. But the way I feel right now, I will never patronize a restaurant again because I have way too much fear. Not logical at all but true. Sorry for the pity party. I wish I could be one of those people who is just going on with their lives like everything is normal. I envy those who are not afraid.

The only thing I did was start back up packing my things. I suppose that could be a trigger? But I don't get it, I want out of this place, I want the move done. Maybe because there is still so much to do. And I'm not feeling well again. The wind kicked back up and the clouds are moving in. My throat started hurting and my temp, which is usually around 97.7 degrees, is 98.3. Not a fever, but higher than my usual. Super ugh.

Well, when I wrote the above I was feeling OK. Now anxiety is back full force. Heart racing. I just don't get why I can be fine one minute and a basket case a few minutes later.

I need to cancel my satellite TV and internet services. Of course, the only way you can do that is to call. The links that allegedly allow you to cancel online "mysteriously" don't work and the chat directs you to a phone number. I've had to do this before and had to endure 20 minutes of them trying to talk me out of cancelling.

So, I already kind of knew that not eating can impact your mood. It's obvious to me. But I have lost 15 pounds in the past 6 -7 weeks, not due to trying but because I don't feel like eating when I'm upset or scared or anxious. So I don't eat, which means my blood sugar gets low AND the idea of eating makes me feel nauseous. So I continue to not eat and then feel depressed and anxious, which makes me continue to not want to eat! It's also due to circumstances, of course. This morning I HAD to go to Walmart, a place I avoid because of all the people who cram into the store not wearing masks and not social distancing. But it's the only place that I believed would have everything I need and would eliminate the need to go to multiple stores. So I went. It's over now. I got up early and got to the store about 7:15 AM. Store was already pretty full but not packed yet. About 50% of the shoppers were wearing masks. The couple behind me was an older couple, the man was wearing a Vietnam Veteran ball cap. He started to move forward to begin putting his items on the belt while I was still putting mine on and his wife reminded him to wait. Then he proceeded to pull down his mask and loudly blow his nose. I turned around with a fearful look on my face and his wife commented. I laughed and told him that's just the way things are right now! He explained he has allergies and I told him I do too. Anyway, got out of there, got home, wiped down the things I need immediately, showered, washed my hair and here I am. I hadn't eaten so I drank some instant breakfast. Still felt kind of down, so I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I feel better now, but then I usually do when I eat. It's just hard for me to get motivated to eat when nothing appeals. And I am still not comfortable getting takeout or delivery due to the hassle of getting the food out of the bag and either transferring it to a plate in my garage or wiping down the container. Not worth the trouble. Anyway, going to work on trying to eat and manage my depression and anxiety as well as gaining some of this weight back. I'm currently 119 lbs. and look like a stick. Not good. Going to do some more packing today. Four more days!

The location I am being sent to work in is rumored to have 7 cases total and 2 deaths. However, when the source is Facebook it's certainly not at all guaranteed to be accurate. I know of 3 cases in the building with 1 confirmed death, that of a manager who chose to travel out of the country during the pandemic and contracted it there and never went to the building after being infected. Sad that he died trying to visit his family, but not a great decision to travel. Ugh...

Thank you. My title doesn't make a lot of sense as a journal but that's not a big deal.

Sure, I have been posting a lot. Thank you.

Well, I have lost 15 pounds without trying due to my anxiety . And since I am packing for a move I am keeping active. I actually struggle with sitting still. Just really have a hard time relaxing which is normal for me. I live alone so only online or phone interactions for now. And once I move close to my kids I won't see them in person since I am an essential worker who will be around about 150 people inside a building when I work. But it will be comforting to be geographically closer.

I should have made this a journal... Before all this, my biggest problem was that my employees were lazy and I didn't feel supported at work and I was SO, SO stressed! I would be so happy to return to the time where that was my biggest problem.

I know it's due to my current situation being severely impacted by the Covid situation. Moving is already stressful, but moving during a pandemic? I keep telling myself that EVERYONE is under stress right now. It's not just me and I'm not special. My PCP knows I am leaving the state, but maybe he would be willing to prescribe me something so I don't feel like jumping out of my skin and like my BP is through the roof.

I have dealt with anxiety off and on for about 30 years (probably more, except I used to call it "stressing out"). Do those of you who experience anxiety find that it increases and decreases sometimes multiple times per day, even sometimes minute to minute? I am sitting in front of my computer attending a virtual training class, I felt OK, then out of nowhere I started feeling that familiar feeling where I can sense the anxiety creeping up. And sometimes it just slams me unexpectedly. Is this "normal" for anxiety sufferers?

Chances are pretty low that you touched something that an infected person touched. Even lower that someone who is infected touched their nose or mouth or sneezed or coughed right on that very item. I remind myself of that frequently. Probably will be just fine.

Thank you. I am happy to be Covid-free at least for now. Another reason why I didn't want to go in while still having cold symptoms is that I believe every branch location has cases, they just haven't been detected or we haven't been notified. The company usually waits about 2-3 weeks before notifying us of positive cases in the individual buildings we work in. Social distancing and mask-wearing are mandated but are not being enforced. And you will be sent home if you have a fever of 100.4 or higher, but if you have a cough or shortness of breath you are welcome to stay! Also, my friend is coming with me to help me move so I didn't want to take the chance of possibly getting exposed before we travel next week.

So, the company I work for tends to have the attitude that managers (which I am now) are supposed to come to work. Period. We are fairly well compensated and in return we are expected to show up, work 12 hours and be available 24/7 for emails, messages and questions. I tried to research my position before I applied but it's a newer role so it wasn't clearly defined. I thought I was going to be an assistant manager, but found that I am a full manager with responsibility for not only production but also will have about 140 employees reporting to me. As soon as I am eligible I will be applying to transfer back to my previous role. I did not want this particular job, and yes, it's all my fault for not asking more questions. The only good thing is it has enabled me to move back close to my kids. Also, most of the branches have several employees who are quarantined due to testing positive for Covid. Several hundred employees company wide are infected. The branches will not shut down. So that is added stress.

Thanks everyone. I will continue to be vigilant (and anxious, because that's me). I chose not to go into the site for work today. I feel better (cold) but not quite 100% and I didn't want to possibly expose myself on the chance that one of the 130 people in the building are carriers or are sick. I am on a training call. One guy on the call sounds awful. A bad cough, you can hear he is terribly congested and his voice is rough. I am super surprised he chose to go into his site today. Some people are way more dedicated to their jobs than I am, I guess!

It is good news. Of course it doesn't mean I can just relax. I will continue to be very careful. But it's good to know I am not currently infected.

Test results are in! That was so quick! "CORONAVIRUS19U NOT DETECTED Testing was performed using the 7500 Fast Instrument Sars COV19 test." Lots of disclaimers attached, but bottom line they did not detect the virus in me. Yay!

I ordered 2 rolls of plastic floor covering. I can roll it out and have the movers walk on it, then roll it up and throw it away when they're done. I feel so smart right now lol!

Yep, washing your hands and avoiding close contact is still the best way. From my understanding the most likely transmission method is through close contact with an infected person or fairly immediate handling of an object an infected person handled and then touching your nose or mouth (still trying to figure out the eyes thing!). I'm also trying to mitigate my fear. I don't want to end up never being able to leave home because I'm so afraid of people or behaving irrationally (such as being afraid I will get the virus from my carpet after the movers stepped in it!).

I'll pay you if you can get me some LOL. It's been sold out here for weeks. All I have is this "air sanitizing" spray that I haven't been able to confirm is actually a disinfectant spray. Oh, and I can't spray Lysol on floors that my cat walks on. I fear she will get some on her paws or fur and then lick them. And I know it's extremely unlikely that I will get the virus from my flooring. I would have to contort my body in a way that I can't do in order to get my feet up to my face. Only babies and yoga experts can do that!

I mean, after they move everything in. I can't move everything back out again because that would result in the same situation.

I think opening up would be fine if people would continue to adhere to CDC recommendations. But they're not. I saw a news story where people stormed an ice cream shop! Like, how badly do you need ice cream?! People punching store security guards who ask them to wear a face covering. Having parties. Gathering in large groups at parks and beaches. What I have found interesting is this; people who have been required to report to work (due to being deemed "essential") seem unhappy about being forced to work while those whose jobs have been termed or suspended WANT to go back to work. I am deemed "essential" but honestly am very, very nervous and fearful about reporting to work in a building with well over 125 people and social distancing and mask wearing is supposed to be enforced but really isn't. But some of my friends are passing around petitions that DEMAND they be allowed to return to work. Honestly, I am fearful of being around people and I don't know if I'll ever go back to "normal". For now, I will stay away from people as much as possible while realizing that's impossible at work. Sigh. Side note, I have to have movers bring my furniture and belongings into my new apartment. I will ask them to wear masks and gloves but I can't figure out how I'll sterilize the carpet after they leave...

Thanks! I will update once I get the results, hoping for the best!