DancingFool

34 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

I would be a mama to a bunch of babies. I’d stay home and raise them. … practical thought, huh?

if I have to work I’d see myself keeping on teaching. I genuinely enjoy my chosen career & my little monsters. 

Assume that you will have to work and with that, let's say you do stay in the teaching profession. Do you see yourself teaching small children, middle school, high school or college level? Do you have a definite yes and an absolute no way in the age ranges you want to teach? How does a PhD tie into that?

Also, what about a plan B? Let's say that you get burned out by the politics side of teaching - curriculums, standardized tests, parent demands that are absurd, admin bs, etc. What could you pivot to then and would your degree give you better options or not really?

Consider also, teacher pay v. loan burden v. rising costs of living. Will that degree pay for itself or will it cripple you financially? Really do your research and do the math properly. 

Think about all of the above seriously.

32 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If it’s just bad timing then why let me go? Who blows someone off completely who’s been there giving the way I was?

Giving is not an investment and nobody owes you anything in return for that, let alone a relationship.

Will echo what @Andrina already said so well - he was wrong to try to date while in the situation he is in. It was equally a mistake on your end to get involved and over invested the way that you did. Not to mention that when he tried to pull back a little, you immediately pushed forward hard and fast.

Going forward, maybe avoid picking up birds with broken wings thinking that if you heal them, they'll be yours. Consider that once the wing is healed, the birds fly away. 

Rather than getting stuck on the degree question maybe ask yourself a different question - what do you want to do for a living long term. What do you see yourself doing 5 years from now, 10 years from now and does that degree play into that or not at all?

For some careers, a higher degree is pretty much necessary, for others not at all. Maybe that will help you figure it out better.

Nobody walks in your shoes, so step away from all the voices pushing you in different directions and figure out what you actually want to do.

Sounds a bit like your goals were driven heavily by family pressure and expectations. However, now that you have your own life experience, you are questioning those goals. Very normal and something you do need to take time out to sort out. The worst thing you can do is waste years and money pursuing degrees on subjects you don't like.

I'd recommend that you actually step away from all the news for awhile. Maybe scan the headlines to roughly have a clue, but stay away from the doom and gloom type stuff. 

Instead, maybe start watching things like healthy cooking recipes/shows so you get inspired in a positive way to do things for yourself that is both enjoyable but also good for you. 

Place more focus on watching/following those that are positive and have a positive influence on you - people who might inspire you, be it just going for a walk when you don't feel like it or making a delicious healthy meal.

Other things that you can do is reorganize things around your apartment. It doesn't need to cost anything. Simply moving decor and furniture in a different way can make you feel refreshed.

If you can, go for drives just for a change of scenery. This also forces your brain to get out of the rut it's stuck on as it has to process new information.

Pick up a hobby that you find either relaxing or fun or both.

Basically, pay a lot less attention to things you don't control and place a lot more effort into the only thing you do control - quality of your personal life, aka self.

Surely you do realize that she is treating you like she is in a romantic relationship with you by calling you babe, telling you that you are her soulmate, pursuing you, and demanding attention the way that she is doing. People who are just friends don't act like that. Either she is full on psycho or there is something between you that is leading her to believe she has something going with you in a romantic sense that you are glossing over.

Regardless, if you truly want her off your back, then you will need to be blunt and tell her straightforward that you are not interested in her and do not wish to speak to her ever again. That you are not her anything and that she needs to stop contacting you. Be blunt to the point of brutally so. Stop playing games with her and fire her father from the job as well. Get rid of both of them completely.

Also, block her from all social media and go private and lock down all of your privacy and security settings. Nobody can stalk you if they can't see you. As for the phone, set her to silent mode, so no matter what whacko stuff she is trying to do, your phone won't be ringing and dinging, however you can take all her bs to law enforcement and get a restraining order if need be. Either way, you'll have documentation of harassment. Again, you have to spell it out bluntly that she needs to stop contacting you so that any contact after that request counts as harassment.

2 hours ago, WitchSpace said:

He also says that because his body has gone through massive changes- he's now got a six pack and used to be chubby,he wonders what it would be like to be desirable and have women after him and kind of wishes he could play about.
He was married before and doesn't want to make a mistake again.

Oooof......and ouch.... He literally just told you that you are good enough for now, but since he feels that he is a higher value catch now, he wants to see how high he can upgrade. This is also extremely superficial and says something not so nice about him as a human being.

I'm really sorry, OP, but you kick this turd to the curb today.

Also, please don't take this as a commentary on your worth or value. This is not about you, but rather his delusions of grandeur and desire to test it out in real time. He is not in a headspace where he can actually appreciate the quality relationship he has with you. Also, you are right not to wait on him. Sure some day he might regret ruining things with you, then again, he might not. What he values and what he is after have shifted and that's that. No reason for you to waste another minute of your life on this.

Reading your previous post as well....you essentially married an even more controlling version of your mother, plus insecure to boot. Raging about everything, trying to control everything, even flipping out about presents that your parents have bought for the kids is not sane.

Your father's advice to you is actually sound in this situation - roll over and play dead and let these two women sort each other out by themselves. For as long as you try to step in the middle and play mediator, all that happens is you end up being the punching bag for your wife. 

Kind of makes me wonder how is your marriage at large.....

I don't think you are close enough to be taking any kind of action so to speak. Especially when we are talking about a long distance pen pal type situation and even that just started recently.

As for nice gesture or not, hard to tell. Some would think it's nice, some may think that home remedies are for weirdos, some may think that you are overstepping with the caring aspect. Who knows what he thinks or maybe he is not well enough to bother responding to someone he chatted a bit online. It's also possible that he lied in order to fade out and quit talking to you instead of just being honest.

You seem like a kind person, but be cautious about over investing in distant strangers.

Personally, I think your bigger problem was the fact that your schedules are completely opposite and so this was doomed from the get go. As you know well, there just wasn't any good time to talk and get to know each other better, which is critical for LDR's.

It was almost inadvertent that you placed a lot of pressure on that one precious day that you and him could spend more time talking and were deeply disappointed when it didn't happen. Thus the reaction or rather the overreaction. Still, I don't think you should backtrack or even try to. I really think that if you were to reach out to him again, he'd think you are off your rocker completely, so please spare yourself some dignity.

Basically, learn from this and walk away from these types of situations that aren't really workable from the get go. Opposing schedules are hard enough to manage and cause a lot of relationship issues even when people live together. Long distance and it's impossible. 

16 minutes ago, Anxietygirl said:

So true!! thank you very much! I guess I’m just upset because I thought he really was decent and was very kind and wasn’t going to be very childish. I understand I should have maybe texted him back but I had a bad feeling. Im just happy I didn’t have sex or do anything I still have my pride, I worry incase he wasn’t attracted to me at all and was just saying tbem words?

Why would you assume someone is decent or kind when you don't know him at all and had just met him once? Even if you did chat for a couple of weeks, it's still not enough to make that kind of a judgment about someone. All you can really roughly determine is that he is OK to meet up in public.

Goes back to you need to learn to be more patient and observe before you judge.

As for him finding you attractive, honestly, you need to learn to take that for granted in a way. If he didn't find you attractive, he'd have never gone out to meet you. It's really that simple and also....kind of meaningless. Like so what he finds you attractive? Another notch on your belt? The more important question is does he want to date or is he just looking for a quick pump and dump?

What are you looking for? Casual hook ups or a bf? If you are looking for a bf, then Tinder is not the best site for that as most people on there are only looking to hook up. 

Yikes, you definitely dodged a bullet here. Please don't contact him again.

Overall, this is a bit of a learning experience for you.

First of, beware of over the top compliments and guys who are trying too hard to sweep you off your feet, too pushy, too quick with things. These are all red flags. It's basically manipulative behavior and the question for you is what is he trying to manipulate you into? Answer will always be nothing good. So beware and don't just drink up those compliments like you are dying from thirst.

Second thing is learn to be more patient with yourself. Only way to truly know if someone was genuinely into you is if he contacts you again in a reasonable amount of time and set ups another date. You will just have to wait and see on that. Again, don't get caught up in chatter, watch the actions.

Third is lots of dates are one and done. Nothing to do with you or what you did or how great the date was. You don't know this person and what's going on with them and their life and they don't owe you explanations. Maybe his ex called, maybe something came up at work, etc. There are literally millions of reason why someone can have a great date with you and never follow up for more and virtually all of those reasons have nothing to do with you personally. It's disappointing, but step away from beating yourself up about it.

Finally, if you are interested in someone, don't play games or try to test them. If you are interested, then talk to them following the date. Try not to project or overthink or decide that there is something wrong because he didn't text you as you expected or when you expected. In this case, you dodged a bullet, but in other situations you will sabotage yourself if you carry on like that.

What you do is realize that this is your closure once and for all. Yes, she is toxic and being around her brought out the absolute worst in you. This is literally your flashing neon sign that you and her need to stay far away from each other forever.

As for forgiveness, she doesn't owe you that BUT she did tell you that she does forgive you, so it's on you to accept that and have enough respect for her to believe her and take her at her word. When you ask for something and are given that, refusing to accept it or believe it and continuing to question and demand more is actually toxic behavior on your end. Knock it off. Don't demand respect for yourself when you are being disrespectful in this situation toward her by refusing to accept her forgiveness.

The reality is that this is not about her, it's you who needs to forgive yourself for slipping up and acknowledge what I said above - you and her are a toxic combo. Leave this all in your past and move forward. Closed chapter.

Since you live in a small town, maybe avoid her for awhile as your are still so raw from the break up. If she shows up where you are, leave. Do it until you can actually ignore her or simply stop caring completely.

15 hours ago, waffle said:

Serious about what, exactly?  Being willing to meet means nothing.  There are no guarantees about any of it.  That shopping cart murderer guy in the DC area, he was "serious" about meeting too.

Most guys I chatted with were at least honest about the fact that the initial meeting is strictly to see if you look like your pictures.  I found that to be universal on dating apps.

Serious about looking to find the right person to date as opposed to looking for a chat buddy, kicking tires but not actually ready to date. It does not mean jumping into some instant relationship.

Of course it doesn't mean that him and I would be the right match and yes, that first meet and greet is just seeing if there is anything there in real life. Most of the time, there will not be and that's normal. I don't even consider that a date but just briefly meeting up to see if you want to set up a date or not.

Simply put, because going back and forth online gets really exhausting and is a colossal waste of time. You can only build a relationship or know if you actually click, when you meet in person in real life. So the faster you meet face to face with the least amount of expectations and preconceived notions of how the person will be, the better.

When I used OLD, I found that guys who are serious about meeting and are serious about finding someone to date don't waste time on e-mail chatter. You've seen their profile and pics, they've seen yours. If you like what you see, exchange an e-mail or two to set up a face to face meet. Something light and easy to leave if you are not happy. Either you'll click or you won't and will part ways easily.

Don't try to develop an electronic connection because you will be disappointed in that a lot and often once you meet in real life and it turns out the guy is not at all how you imagined him to be. This is exactly the kind of an approach that will lead to burn out and bitterness.

In fact, this was my litmus test - if he is willing to meet up, he is serious. If he wants to chatter, beat around the bush, drag his feet online, I learned quickly to cut these guys loose. The latter were not in a good place and not ready to date.

I would just try to get into the habit of updating clients when it's convenient for you.

So maybe it's when you start up your day, you send a quick update e-mail, or at the end of your day, you send an update of where things stand. Once people get used to that, they calm down and leave you be to do your work.

Another thing that I do is when I'm working on something that requires concentration, I will shut off my phone, e-mail/text notifications, chat notifications and just spend those quiet few hours focused on the task. Once done or when I need to take a break because I can't focus like that anymore, then I turn things back on and check in, send out updates, respond to messages, etc. I find that it really helps to manage workflow and with that, stress. When you get things done because you carve out that quiet time, you ultimately have less stress because your projects are actually getting completed.

How much of your time and energy is being wasted on these check ins rather than on solving the issue?

One way to address this is maybe to take charge and send him a quick e-mail with the updates before he bothers you. Also, you can send him a polite e-mail about how much time it will take to solve x, then y, and so on and again, update him as needed that x has been met, y has been met, etc.

What pressure he is under is not your problem. You need to figure out how to stop him from wasting your time and passing that pressure and stress onto you. I find that the above approach works well with anxious or pushy clients.

Also, if they still try to push, I will push back with something like, "As per schedule, your next update will be provided on y date/time. Thank you for your patience." Sometimes you just have to draw boundaries with people for the sake of your own sanity and productivity.

OP, this is not about his friend, this is about you and specifically him doing whatever it takes to sabotage your joy and something that is important to you - Christmas.

As you had a lovely day and were enjoying the last moments of it, he sat there and cooked up an idea on how to upset you and permanently ruin this first Christmas for you by doing something that he knows will hurt - buying someone else a present while he denies you the same. Even better that this someone else is a woman - extra hurt for you. Keep in mind that his female friend is completely clueless in this and genuinely thanked you. She has no idea that she was just used as a pawn in a sick game.

He very much succeeded in his quest - you are upset, it's eating at you, you are not able to enjoy what you worked hard for and what matters to you. He literally poisoned what should have been a happy memorable moment for you - first Christmas with fam and child at your home. Again, this isn't about Christmas or presents, this is him covertly harming you and getting off on that. I'm sure this is not the only thing he denies you and sabotages and that he is also extremely selfish and you end up catering to that.

OP, this is textbook covert narcissist behavior - extremely passive aggressive, vindictive, seeking to harm without overtly coming across as such. I would bet good money he does this a lot and either you've gotten used to it and normalized it, or you don't even recognize what's happening because you've never encountered this in your life and don't know what to make of it. Like you are focusing on this woman instead of your partner, who is being a raging ahole to you and is intentionally hurting you because deep down he likes that.

Anyway, forget the friend, focus on how he is treating you because it's not good and with time, this will get worse and worse for you. People like that don't get better with age. They just get nastier. So do yourself a huge favor and make certain that you have the means to leave him and keep that door always open for yourself and your child.

43 minutes ago, Christina2022 said:

And I told her to let her know that she is quite silly to get back involved with someone who not only cheated on her when they were separated with me, he rubbed me in her face ( and he rubbed her in my face talking about her all the time) and showing her lingerie photos to me because I didn’t want to dress in lingerie, SHE needs HER HEAD examined. 

...aaand there it is....thought you were the side piece raging that you aren't so special after all...well...well.... So guess what, you aren't special, he doesn't give a flip about either of you. You got used, played, and dumped.

Next time think twice before you jump to help a pos cheat on his SO. It's not his ex-wife who needs her head examined, it's YOU.  You are the one who needs to fix her picker and get her screwed on straight instead of swallowing the lies of a cheating loser and thinking you'll marry someone you know barely a month because he threw some money at you. Good grief.

2 minutes ago, Alice said:

That's exactly what I want to know.  Again she says it would be awkward for her if I was there.

It's called gaslighting, aka lying to your face. Again, this isn't about the other girl, this is 100% about your gf being shady and lying to your face.

Please do yourself a huge favor and step away from this mess. I know it's easier said than done when you are invested, but.... I hope you find the strength.

11 minutes ago, Alice said:

Just so people have a clearer picture about this, this girl and my girlfriend have known each other for over a year and only hung out like three times.  They text each other like once a month so if this other girl truly had an attraction for her wouldn't something have happened by now?  My girlfriend posted on Facebook that we are in a relationship and this other girl liked the post.   She posted our relationship on Facebook after she was already making plans with this other girl.  So I don't know.

This other girl is not the issue here. It's your gf who is the actual problem. It's your gf's behavior and intentions that are the problem. It's your gf who doesn't want you around to cramp her style. It's your gf who is being completely shady with you.

Also, don't you think it's strange that two women who barely know each other and barely talk want to go camping solo with each other? I love camping, but I would not even consider going solo with a person I barely know and only chat with once a month or so, and only casually. You need much more of a connection than that. I think you are being kept in dark about the extent of their "friendship" and communication. Even if the other girl is genuinely not interested, it's painfully obvious that your gf is hoping to have enough personal/intimate time with her to change her mind.

Don't send what is essentially a vague blow off kind of a line and then wonder why a person didn't respond. If you are interested, then show it in concrete terms and reach out with an actual date suggestion, aka something that requires a response.

It should make you uncomfortable enough to boot her to the curb.

Unfortunately, she is not only being completely disrespectful to you and your relationship, she is being downright shady. She is trying to make you feel like you are in the wrong, when in reality she is completely out of line.

You should be invited, welcome and going on the trip. Camping is the more the merrier kind of a thing and there is nothing awkward about that. The only reason she says otherwise, is because your presence would cramp her style with the woman she is after.

In your shoes, I'd dump her with extreme prejudice and never look back. Don't bother arguing about this. Simply spare your dignity and refuse to waste your time on people who aren't invested in you like you are in them.

OP, this guy got you duped, seduced, accepting a ring, and doing his shady bidding within a month of meeting. What on earth makes you think he can't pull the same garbage off with another woman or that you were the only one he was using? Don't be so naive. It is very likely that he is already got your replacement installed and that she answered the phone.

There are so many red flags slapping you in the face about this guy it's not even funny. Please get yourself together, go to the DMV today and get that car out of your name before something happens that you end up being legally responsible for.

Also, stop obsessing about his ex wife. She is right that what they do and how is absolutely none of your business and I doubt she gives  a flying rat's rear end about what her ex is doing to who and with who. She finally got rid of him, so she won.

Time for you to be smart and do the same - have no more contact with him and get yourself sorted out. Any man coming at you like that should send up a million red flags that you are dealing with a sociopath and should run like your life depends on it, because it actually might.

2 hours ago, fallendown said:

He has called me multiple times at home during my day off (including Christmas Day) to yell at me I did not properly reply to all of the emails in an inbox. Because of this stress, I felt compelled to log on to my computer the next day (Sunday) to make a log of all of the emails in the inbox to prove they had indeed been answered correctly. (I get paid hourly, not salary, and I am not paid for these phone calls or the time working on proofing my work)

What's in bold is literally illegal. Start documenting every single phone call, as in get a recording app and start recording these calls. Also, document every single minute you are spending working because the company owes you money for it. Take all the documentation, including any abusive calls and go to HR.

If HR does nothing, go to an employment law attorney and take the company to the cleaners over this. You can also file formal complaints about unfair wage practices with your state employment division as well as federal Department of Labor WHD.

Meanwhile, start looking for another job. Good time for that regardless. Fighting with a toxic manager who is in bed with the manager above him is a waste of time, unless you have the means to go above both of them and become best buds with a higher up manager who can kick both of them where it hurts.