DancingFool

On 2/6/2022 at 7:04 AM, mical said:

I’ll start sending out resumes for something better. At least I won’t feel so guilty leaving.

I sincerely hope that you are actively working on getting a better job.

As for guilty.....about what exactly? You do realize that the day they don't need you anymore they'll can you and nobody will lose sleep over that, right?

The people in this company have already shown you that they don't care and will lie and sneak around. They will literally stab you in the back and hope that you don't figure out that you are bleeding any time soon. In short, they will exploit you as needed and discard you as needed. Who and what exactly are you being loyal to?

Sometimes, work can be a lot like a toxic relationship. You do have to figure it out, get a plan together, and leave.

3 hours ago, millierock said:

I do feel bad for her though, because he brought her into his life when he was hurting and trying to get over me. I don’t think that’s something that anyone deserves to go through.

You sure about that? He did pick some very random fights with you and ultimately he dumped you under the same random pretext. Now, out of the blue, he is accusing you of being a cheater. Personally, I would bet good money that he was cheating on you and was picking fights with you as a way to distance himself from you. A very stereotypical cheater behavior. Since things weren't as rosy  as he thought they would be, he is back trying to hoover you in.

OP, you are very very kind, compassionate, deeply empathetic person. That's wonderful but also, that kind of a personality attracts users, cheaters, losers, narcissists, sociopaths, conmen, etc. You have to learn to be kind but with strong boundaries. Be sure that you do not blanket project your feelings, empathy, kindness, and how you would behave in a situation onto others. He is not the wounded creature that you think he is.

12 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

As already said, she wants to give up alcohol all together because of this. She had already thrown out anything we had in the fridge already, and she vows she will cut it all together

Throwing out alcohol isn't going to fix her underlying issues and extreme insecurities. In her case, alcohol is more like a truth serum - it opens her mouth and allows all the toxic stuff brewing inside to flow out like an erupting volcano. Removing the alcohol won't stop the toxic build up and the resulting explosions. All that will happen is that different things will trigger the eruptions.

Also, YOU cannot reassure or fix her issues for her. In fact, the more you turn yourself inside out trying to reassure her, the more you feed those insecurities. So if she really wants this relationship to work, what is she doing to address her insecurities for real? 

Where you go from here is to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and diagnosis and then on to therapy as appropriate. What you don't do is keep dating this or any woman while you sort yourself out. You are old enough to know this.

2 hours ago, lozz1 said:

Since before buying the house I felt like things were getting a little stale, I did everything from making special dinners, suggesting trips, date days, dressing up for sex to spice things up.

OP, you need to get away from this ^ mentality of doing anything at all to force a relationship to work. You won't die if you are single, OK? I promise you'll be just fine. You've got to learn to walk away the moment you realize you are the mule pulling the whole cart solo.

Buying the house despite the above ongoing issues is why you are where you are now. More tied up in a messy situation.

Also, he is not a nice person at all. A nice man will come home and do his share of chores. Even a half way decent human being will make sure that animals are fed and watered. Sorry but when you are afraid that he will forget to feed/water the animals....you've really sunk to a special kind of low to still claim that he is a nice man. A nice man will be mindful of your needs, not just his own. Also seconding everything @MissCanuck said - he is passive aggressive and manipulative af. He has you tethered in more ways than one - stuck in a house, stuck on text, stuck unable to do anything without him. You feel isolated because you are being intentionally isolated and sabotaged so you don't get away from him.

My advice is get out and get away no matter how hard that is. While you are seeking out a new job - open your parameters to far far away from this guy to the best position that you can get. Meanwhile, if you have farm animals, start looking for new homes for them. Dogs and cats you can take with you, but it may take some searching for a rental that will accept all of you, so get on that as well.

First of all, never buy a house with someone you are not actually married to. There are way too many legal issues with that. Just don't. Have your own place, let him have his or if you insist on living together, rent for a year and see if you can get along living together. Too many relationships tank quickly when it comes to adjusting and learning how to live together.

Second, do not move in with someone who has never lived on their own. That's an entire separate learning adjustment curve on top of the first one.

Finally, if your dream is to live/travel some time abroad, then do it, but do be single and be free. Allow yourself to actually enjoy the experience and fully immerse yourself in that without strings attached and without wasting hours at odd times of day/night trying desperately to maintain a long distance relationship with a guy who is not likely to see eye to eye with you about any of this. Who is already showing you that he is not on board with you and your dreams and desires. All that will do is poison your experience abroad with fears and worries and limit what you end up doing.

Basically, you may love him, but he is not the right person for you. More like an anchor dragging you down. Cut loose.

On 2/5/2022 at 1:44 AM, Cynder said:

Well< it seems like she already ejected me from hers. 

I al legitimately worried for her.  She's obviously not getting help.  Or she's off her meds or something.  The way she's been acting isn't who she is.  Is it bad that I am considering messaging either her Mom or her brother tomorrow and just telling them I'm worried about her?  I won't do it because I know it will just cause problems.  But the thought crossed my mind. 

At some point you have to start accepting that this IS who she is and stop making excuses for her. There are no two people there, just one and at her core, she is abusive.

You say that she is different from your previous relationships and family, but looking in from the outside, she is exactly the same. She may seem different when she shows a different aspect of her personality, but again, ALL of the aspects of her personality are all her all the time.

Short answer is go and go immediately.

Longer answer is.... this is a relationship that should teach you a really hard lesson in what you never ever want in a relationship and things you should never ever put up with ever again. Never.

Things like him pretending that he doesn't know the difference between sugar and coffee.... He is not that stupid. It's called weaponized incompetence. Look it up. He is pretending to be stupid and incompetent so that you get frustrated and end up taking care of this for him. That way he doesn't have to and it's confusing for you because he is not being adversarial, just dumb. It's a psychological game and a trap. One you've been falling into head first. 

Add to it everything else you've mentioned - controlling, vindictive, can't take criticism, will not hear you, or your side, or feelings, etc., etc., etc. Each one of these is a reason to leave a relationship. Cumulatively, you should be running like your hair is on fire. He is toxic and no, you can't fix that. You need to learn when to step away and get away. End this yesterday.

Also, once you get away from him, I hope that you do take some time out to clear your head so that you start wrapping hour mind around just how toxic of a person he is. Mostly so that you learn to pay attention to the toxic behaviors and walk away long before any relationship gets this far along. You need to become more aware and more vigilant and less willing to invest in toxic men.

3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I have tried going on some dates but no one has sparked my interest and it feels like I am going through the motions. And of course difficult to avoid comparing everyone to her. 

Might be wise to step back from dating for bit and actually focus on other parts of your life - work, friends, hobbies, interests. If you are lacking in any of these, all the more reason to put work into those areas of your life. 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I know what is happening....he's projecting guilt. He's not a good boy when he goes and sees the peelers...there's a strong possibly he's been getting lap dances. And the thought of you getting a lap dance with another man is what is getting him all yancey. 

You go sista and have a great time! 

Yup, this ^ totally. It's eating at him because of what he does when he goes. Totally projecting and nothing to do with you. Go and have fun. He will just have to get over himself. What's good for the goose.......

So you just discovered something interesting - your company needs and values your skills more than your psycho coworker. Between the two of you, they'd rather she get mad and go than you. They literally can't afford to lose you.

Next time you talk about bonuses or raises....keep that info in the back of your mind.  😛

When a woman tells you that she doesn't feel the spark, what she is saying is that there is zero sexual attraction to you on her end. This has nothing to do with you being funny, crazy, energetic, etc., etc., etc. Sexual attraction is much more primal and when it's not there, it's not there.

Also, she already does like you on paper a lot so to speak. You look the way she likes, you have the things she likes but that critical element is missing. That's why she gave it 7 dates and why she told you that it was stressing her out - logically, she should be all into you. In practice, zero sexual attraction and giving it time wasn't helping.

Best to walk away and stop wasting time. While you are stuck on her, you are missing out on women who actually are fully into you.

On 1/26/2022 at 3:01 PM, Cynder said:

That's exactly what I plan on doing.  I'm just waiting till I see her online to message her. 

This post wasn't even asking about what to do with the form.  I pretty much decided what to do with it before I even wrote this.  It was more about dealing with the anxiety it was causing. 

Right and I get that. Thing about the kind of anxiety that you are having is that taking action sooner rather than later helps you stem the growing tide of anxiety. There isn't a person alive who hasn't experienced, what I call, anticipation anxiety. Whatever you may be anticipating, the longer you sit on it and focus on what the if's, the worse and more crippling it gets. What matters is that you jump into action so you don't become completely overwhelmed with that anticipation anxiety.

Think of it like a dam is holding your emotions in check. Anticipation anxiety is like a crack in that dam. If you leap into action and patch up the crack, the dam will hold. However, if you do nothing and just watch the crack, it will grow bigger and bigger until the dam bursts. That will be the overwhelming, crippling emotions carrying you away while you become completely out of control of what is happening. Just swept away with force. The point is to act quickly before it gets that far. I know it's not easy. Nothing good ever is.

Not sure if I'm making sense or not, but what I'm trying to say is that before things spin out of control and become too much, there is that moment where you can plug it and regain control. Also, don't let a diagnosis control you. Other way around, use that awareness as a tool to stop yourself.

1 minute ago, Rando_23q12 said:

Thanks for the answers!

Especially to DancingFool for the insights!
 

Yeah, I had a big panic attack on November a bit before my birthday, since them I've been 'fixing' some parts of my life. I got a promotion at work, my financial situation is way better now (and I'm gonna move from my parent's house next month). My mother luckily has a really low degree of leukemia, but still I convinced her to go to psycotherapy. I went back to therapy as well and went to a psychtrist to help me even more. I'm still on my first week taking the anxiety medication (which is really tough). One of the last few things that I'm trying to sort out is that relationship with this girl.

For some reason I was already thinking that the better thing to do is to let all this go, even tough I love her.

And yeah, I have to fix this goddamn picker!

Sounds like you are making great progress and taking some excellent steps forward.

Do keep in mind though, that abusive relationships are twofold. One is they do quite a number on people psychologically and emotionally and leave lasting scars that need to be addressed. Two is that abusive people do know how to pick those who will put up with the abuse and that's something that also needs fixing.

My point is that it may be well worth your while to find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma/abuse victims so that you have someone who can help you identify and fix those issues. You might have to look around and try a few because not everyone is well versed, and not everyone's style and approach is going to click with you.

Wish you well and I know you got this!

OP, you jumped into trying to date before you healed from an abusive relationship and took some time out to actually sort yourself out and fix your picker.

Unfortunately, the result was predictable - you latched on to yet another person who is unstable, blows hot and cold, disappears when she hears something she doesn't like, etc. You quite literally went straight back to what's familiar - lots of instability, on/off, up/down roller coaster ride.

Do yourself a huge favor - stop talking to this woman forever. If she keeps contacting you, block her.

Step way back from dating for a good while. Work on yourself - deal with your work and financial situation, get help with your anxiety, maybe join some support groups for family members of leukemia patients. Get yourself and your life in order.

Also, figure out why messed up people attract you and why hot/cold relationships (romantic or friendship) attract you. That's not healthy and something you need to address within yourself. Make a concrete decision to step off the roller coaster ride for good. 

In order to have healthy relationships, you have to become healthy yourself and fix your picker so you don't keep choosing toxic people.

Yes, people approach each other successfully in the wild like that on a regular basis. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Most important is that you are able to strike up conversations easily with people and come across as a friendly, easy going kind of a person AND so long as you read whether your company is welcome or not quickly and accurately. 

So start with a friendly comment or question and gauge from there if she is interested in chit chat or looks annoyed. Also, be prepared that even if you do get into a fun conversation or banter, you might end up finding out that she is just friendly and otherwise has a bf.

My personal do's and don't's and what has worked in terms of getting me to engage in a conversation are:

Do comment on something relevant around you or some big local deal/event that is the hot current topic.

Do pay attention if she is happy to respond and carries the conversation forward or if you just get a curt response that shows she doesn't want to be bothered but is just being civil.

Do walk away if you get the vibe that she doesn't want to chat.

Don't immediately start hitting on her or trying to flirt cold. Do get a conversation going first if she is willing/interested.

Don't use pick up lines or weird/creepy questions like "so where is your husband at?"

If you are having some fun chat/banter then you can at some point say something like you really are enjoying her company and the chat and would she be interested in getting a coffee/drinks together some time? Be prepared for the "oh sorry, I'm in a relationship." 

To answer your title question, yes it is quite normal to keep that first meet and greet short. It's exactly that - to see each other in person and see if there is any in person chemistry to warrant setting up an actual date later on. Either or both having other plans and choosing to keep things 30-40 mins is quite normal and no, it's not an insult. Again, this is not mean to be a date.

As a practical matter, those first meets can be shorter, longer, continue into an actual date. It varies. Ultimately, go into these things with an open mind and don't ask awkward questions about time limits. There is literally no right answer to that kind of a question. 

Also, step back from over thinking and words like enigma or audition. No he is not an enigma - he is just a stranger you are meeting up for a coffee. Given that most people are reasonably civilized, odds are that you'll have a pleasant chat regardless of chemistry. No it's not an audition - it's just two people meeting for a coffee and a chat. Keep an open mind and take more of a blank slate approach. Rather than overthinking about how it might go and what he is like, live more in the moment and just deal with who shows up for that coffee.

He doesn't need to meet her to tell her that he is in a relationship now and that she needs to stop contacting him as he is not interested and not available. 

If he is continuing to chat with her and was going to meet her, it's because he is not fully done with her despite what he claims. Watch his actions, not his words.

As everyone else already said, I'd step so far back from this situation that he'd never see me again.

I think you need to explain your concerns to your partner pretty much as you did here. Both the financial aspects and the covid concerns. See what they say and go from there to figure out together what's the best course of action.

If you want to soften the blow a bit, you can talk about it in terms of postponing or rescheduling the trip to a better time and when you are both stronger financially and healthier.

You were kind of lucky in that you got to see the real him so to speak. People like him are dangerous in that they smile in your face, act chummy, gather personal info about you and then will use all that to stab you in the back.

In your shoes, I'd be super polite to this person when you need to be and otherwise, avoid them like the plague. Also, be sure you are always covering your rear in terms of any communications between you regarding work - document, put it in e-mails, etc. Be super vigilant and bolster your boundaries with them.

My personal golden rule is to be friendly, but keep my personal life and real friendships separate from work. Not going to say that I haven't developed some good relationships over the years that have extended beyond work, but they are few and far apart and take a lot of time and vetting to know if people are being genuine or just career climbing/using you.

Sounds like you've definitely reached a point where it is you or them and he needs to decide and live with the consequences. 

Just be sure that it's not an empty threat, so I hope that you have some place that you can move out to quickly and be safe. A case of hope for the best that he finally gets the message and gets his priorities right, but be prepared for the worst that you'll be on your own.