DancingFool

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I'm very unhappy in general, I've had many failed romantic relationships, I've been physically and mentally abused and I've been through a lot of issues in life. Deep down I just wanted to find a partner to settle down with a have a peaceful happy life but I feel like I also shouldn't resort to that as my source of happiness. 

I want to quit drinking but I feel like if I do, I'll have to face my own sadness, and I don't want to feel sad anymore.

Sorry but you already know what you need to do - deal with this ^^^.

Using alcohol is just avoiding and postponing addressing the real issues in your life. A form of self medicating that can end badly for you and add to your issues. Your post is also mostly about avoiding what you KNOW you need to deal with.

You want to focus on alcohol rather than deal with the actual problems of trauma and abuse. Please get yourself to therapy, specifically trauma therapy, and get this sorted. Once you do that, your "need" to drink will evaporate. Stop avoiding doing what you need to do for yourself. Consider that avoiding is actually more painful and destructive than just getting to work addressing the real issues. While drinking may alleviate the anxiety temporarily, that anxiety is still eating away at you in the background and it won't stop until you do address the root cause.

Think of it like diving into a pool - the anticipation that the water will be cold is way worse than the reality. Once you dive in, it's actually fun. Same for you - once you start taking steps to deal with the trauma, you'll start to feel genuine relief and peace instead of the sadness that you fear.

What strikes out at me the most, are the lengths you are going to, OP, to avoid facing cold hard facts - yes, he is a hoarder, yes he is a liar, yes he hides huge parts of his life from you as is convenient for him, yes he is using prostitutes and it's not just for "hello hun" chit chat (you are not that naive). The denial you are in is pretty extreme.

OP, sometimes we focus on this kind of a wreck and trying to fix it because we are avoiding fixing ourselves and our own serious issues. Time to dump him and fix the only person you can - yourself.

OP, never be any man's secret.

In this case, you've never even met, so I don't know why you are calling him a bf when this is all fantasy games. He is not acknowledging you in real life. He either has a gf, is married, or is otherwise invested in presenting himself as single to local women. You are either a side piece or a toy until something better comes along.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but at 32 you should know better than to waste your time on such nonsense. If you really want a real relationship that eventually leads to marriage and family, you've got to go offline and get into the real world.

Date men who are local to you. Have a real relationship with someone who is proud to be with you and introduce you to people in his life and make you a part of his life. Stop playing games online and pretending you have something. You have nothing more than a fantasy and even is not a good one, since the guy is keeping you hidden. Stop sabotaging yourself and your life by telling yourself that you are so invested and so in love with a dude who won't even meet you face to face. The more accurate reality is that you've wasted all this time on nothing. Which begs the question....do you really want what you say or are you actually avoiding real life because you would rather be single?

So you are stalking her now?

5 hours ago, lgc said:

So I am in a new relationship, it's with an incredibly nice, caring guy who is very sensitive and basically a dream guy. 

How long have you actually know him that you can truly say this about him? Years? Or are we talking just months or weeks here? What makes him such a dream guy exactly? Not saying that you are wrong, simply genuinely wondering if you know him enough to place him on such a high pedestal.

5 hours ago, lgc said:

My mood swings are insane, I think I am subconsciously pushing away feelings in fear of getting too attached, and then I'll have moments of pure attachment but with that comes huge anxiety of him wanting to leave me. 

Consider that YOU should actually step away from dating until you get this^ sorted out. Yes, help can be costly, but going as you are is costing you even more in terms of quality of life, relationships, eventually it will affect other parts of your life as well, such as work.

Take a good year away from dating completely and focus exclusively on yourself and your health. Heal that trauma, do what you need to do, so that you can figure out what healthy relationships look like, what a good quality partner looks like, and be a healthy partner yourself. Remember that like attracts like.

6 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd just gone for the kiss without asking because I feel at though that's what most guys would have done but doesn't a situation like this show that we really need to ask?

.......it's called sexual assault and NO men don't just force themselves on women uninvited like that. Please do not ever even entertain the idea that you should just go for it when you are so utterly clueless about the other person's interest in you.

I'm just curious.....is anything said in this thread getting through to you at all or are you completely stuck in your head and what you imagine?

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Is it really insulting to offer to lend a broke friend some money when I have plenty of savings? Wouldn't it be rude not to offer?

Yes, it is insulting. Don't patronize people, especially unasked.

Break ups do hurt, but that pain passes faster when you let go and go no contact with your ex. Otherwise, the break up will just get messy and so much more painful and drawn out. So, no playing friends, no more talking or answering their calls or texts. Don't let her use you to get over you. She pretty much told you that she thinks she can do better, so she can go nuts on that without using you as a back up plan.

As for you, be careful that you don't take her cruel words/reasons too much to heart. Look at facts - you have a good job, you enjoy what you do and there are plenty of women who are also into the same hobbies, you were a good bf in many respects. Own it. If there are other things you truly want to do for yourself, then do it for yourself. Do not stoop to proving yourself to someone who discarded you. Understand that break ups are often a blessing in disguise - a chance to meet someone who is closer to you in interests and values, someone who values and appreciates who you are as is.

Walk away and don't look back.

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I just talked to her two days ago.  I'm not trying to get back in contact with her.  I'm just afraid no matter how I get it to her it will somehow make me look bad. 

Also, I swear I already posted this.  If it's some glitch and it shows up twice, sorry. 

Just text her that you got the form and ask her what does she want you to do with it. That's it. Ball in her court.

Keep it simple like that and guaranteed you won't look like anything other than asking a very normal question.

6 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I agree, just sucks because the ideal is to hit it off so strongly you can't get enough of each-other. that is what happened in my 2.5 yr relationship, the sparks, passion, and fire were so strong, it was like we couldn't get enough of eachother. I loved that. 

Yeah Girl 1 is a little peculiar. To give her some credit, she is in a tough field, Biomedical Sales, while trying to finish her MBA too, and she's a workout-aholic, either training at the gym or mountain biking etc nonstop.

I think you need to think more clearly about what it is that you want in the first paragraph v. what this girl can offer and is showing to you - a much cooler nature that is focused on things other than relationships. The latter is not going to change. This is who she is and who she is doesn't sound like a good match to you and what you want from a relationship - time and closeness.

Basically, maybe don't waste your time on matches that aren't a good match. It may seem like no harm no foul, but in reality, we only have the capacity to focus on so much. It's better to cut out incompatible people early on and keep on seeking those who would be better. Be it girl 2 or adding other matches into the mix as well.

It doesn't matter that this girl reaches out with some intent and has substance because even if you do proceed to dating more, you'll never really be satisfied or happy with the situation. It will always lack that fire, time, and closeness that you need.

On that note, what you need is fairly realistic. Soooo.... don't waste your energy on those who are incompatible off the bat. I know dating can be tedious, but weeding out ruthlessly makes it easier in the end to find the right match.

While I will still advise you to spare yourself some dignity and walk away....

If you absolutely must send her one more message before you can walk away in peace, then don't send either of those messages. Skip the self blame and keep it simple and straight to the point "I really enjoyed getting to know you so far and would love to take you out on another date. Please let me know if you are interested."

The whole self blame, I was so off my game thing makes you look really insecure and needy in a bad way. Drop that forever.

9 minutes ago, dias said:

Respect? You can't lose "respect" due to a vaccination status. That she yelled to three random guys about it, that does not show anything about her character? 

OP, I think you are the one who dodged a bullet.

 

That's precisely my point - yelling this out to strangers was an attempt to humiliate the OP and therefore a colossal display of complete disrespect toward him. Goes hand in hand with her comment about him being some conspiracy nut. Whether he realizes it or not, his date actually was over with her at that point. The rest was just her choosing to have fun at his expense.

Does her behavior make her a good person? No. She could have been more tactful. Obviously.

My point stands - he should not pursue her or even entertain that idea.

5 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Isn't it worth making every effort to be in a relationship with someone that I really like though?

NO!  Effort is something that has to be reciprocated fully and if the other person is only using you and going along with whatever, but not actually giving/reciprocating, then no, it is not worth anything other than pain.

If you do not wrap your head around this, I'm afraid that you will become bitter and jaded soon enough. Dating is not difficult when you understand that the other person has to give as much as you are and if they are not doing so, or worse, only taking what you are giving, then you are setting yourself up for failure. To be frank, you are being too stubborn to see it. I hope that you do figure it out sooner rather than later.

Sorry to say that but you come across as extremely self centered - I want, I think, I do, I feel - zero regard for anything outside of me, myself, and I. You have to somehow step outside of that and start figuring out how to consider what others might think/feel/do that is different from you. A critical relationship skill.

8 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

 

 

 

Why are you so attached to someone you've barely known a couple of months, who couldn't even be a proper dating partner to you? You've literally known this guy 8 weeks - pretty much still complete strangers.

Your absolute refusal to see or hear any point of view other than what you think or feel, is the reason she blocked you. It has nothing to do with hate and everything to do with the fact that you aren't willing to listen or pay attention to anything that doesn't fit with what you think. 

Sorry, but driving so many miles to push yourself into her life IS manipulative. You weren't doing it to be a friend, you had a clear motive to push her into a relationship with you. It didn't work out. She isn't innocent either in that she did accept the attention just not the way you were hoping for. Again, this should be a lesson for you to never behave like that again. I don't care how much you like someone, don't get stuck in tunnel vision like that.

OP, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Asking a friend to date you puts them in an awkward spot where they may feel very uncomfortable rejecting you outright and will resort to a soft let down. Exactly that she did. You should be old enough to know that anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. 

However, rather than taking the hint and respecting her space, you decided to manipulate her into what you want. Spending time with her, pressuring/guilting her with the whole "waiting on her", and otherwise acting like you are in a relationship when you are not. As a friend, you had zero reason to act like you are dating or question who she might be seeing. It is literally none of your business. She is not accountable to you in any way about it. 

Bottom line, next time someone softly rejects you, accept it and move on. It will save you a lot of headaches.

No, neither one of you is a narcissist and while she may be selfish, I doubt she had any evil intent. You did overstep boundaries in a big way, especially pitching a fit over her personal life. She was right to block you. You both could have behaved better overall but that's water under the bridge now. Just learn from this going forward.

As for mutual friends, doubt they are oblivious that you were way into her and she wasn't that into you. However, if anyone should ask if you are dating/were dating and what happened. Just be honest and brief - we were never dating. I wanted to, she wasn't into me. It happens. Next topic.

Accept that there was too much damage done to ever go back. Respect her decision to walk away from you. Leave her alone and stop contacting her or asking to meet.

It's great that you have done some work on yourself. However, thinking that you know better than she does about what she really feels or wants, while completely disregarding what she is telling you shows that you are nowhere near being better. This is all still controlling thinking - I know better and I will force you into bending to my wishes and wants. You've got a long ways to go in therapy before you can be a good partner to anyone. On that note, stay away from her and dating in general and keep working on yourself.

Take that new self to a new relationship and a fresh start. Btw, refusing to let go is just another control freak trait. Knock it off.

Before you can date successfully, you really need to take some time out to fix your own issues and baggage. Let that stuff go because you cannot keep carrying it forward and punishing new partners and sabotaging new relationship because of what some guy did in your past.

Also, you need to work on fixing your picker. If you want a stable relationship, don't get involved with someone who is inherently unstable. Also, be mindful that when you meet someone you are into, initially talking a lot, being super excited about each other and unable to get enough is normal. However, spending hours and hours every single day on the phone is not sustainable in the long run. There comes a time when the relationship needs to normalize in terms of contact and time spent together. You both have other things to do and other responsibilities that need to be taken care of and you have to learn to give each other room to do so without assuming the worst all the time.

If you focus on dating guys who give you intense amounts of attention initially, you'll find that your relationships don't turn out well over and over. As the old saying goes, what burns really hot, burns out really fast. So figure out what a more stable approach to dating looks like.

3 minutes ago, trco said:

More great advice.  I've got a short -term quick trip planned for a month from now, a longer one planned for the end of the summer.  And once this covid spike is over, I've got plans to just get out of the house more

Maybe plan to get out of the house more in general on a daily basis. Even if it's running an errand or simply going for walk or a drive around. Being between four walls gets exhausting no matter how nice those walls are. Getting out regularly for even just random stuff will alleviate some of that stress you are feeling.

My advice is that you need to be honest with yourself - you are having this emotional reaction to the trip because you've been house bound for too long with work and kids and so this is triggering some envy. However, that is your personal issue that shouldn't be taken out on your wife or marriage. Something you need to get a grip on internally.

That said, absolutely do not speak with her boss/partner. This would be grossly inappropriate. Your marital dynamics do not involve him and should not involve him.

Rather than focusing on what you can't do and big vacations you can't take, focus instead on what you can do to alleviate the housebound boredom. For example, can you arrange for your kids to stay with family for the weekend or can your younger child have a sleepover with friends, so you and your wife can go have some adult time briefly. Rent a cabin or drive out somewhere that's not too far. Get creative.

2 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Stay as long as you want. Then: I'll always be here for you.

You should understand that when people say things like that, they don't mean them literally. In fact, they are counting on you to have enough common sense to leave in a timely manner and without overstaying your welcome. Unfortunately, you didn't exercise common sense and did more than just overstay your welcome.

Getting overly enmeshed with her family, her kids, household, especially her husband was completely inappropriate behavior on your end. No surprise that she got moody and started making snide comments to you about you wanting to take over her family.

Rather than trying to fixate on what's wrong with her, you need to figure out what is and isn't appropriate behavior and learn how to stay in your lane, including when to leave as a guest.

9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He’d ask me for things like picking him up so he could get new rims on his car, or running an errand for him. And I was spending time doing activities his son liked, yet the mention of meeting my daughter “at some point” means I need too much?! I literally phrased this as “so I mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce my daughter, even though I appreciated meeting your son, and just haven’t heard from you about what page you’re on.” *** was the problem?

Why were you dropping your life, even time with your own child to do whatever with some guy you've barely known a few weeks? Are you his chauffeur? Are you his wife? Are you a paid nanny for his son? You've behaved like a person with zero boundaries. Why?

Please don't say, "because he asked me to" or "because that was how I could spend time with him" because you are a grown adult who should have healthier boundaries than that and know better than to play doormat or abandon her own life and priorities to go cater to someone she barely knows.

1 hour ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely 

Maybe stop lying to yourself about what's in bold. You were very much asking for something in return - a relationship. Since he declined to give that to you, you are now angry and disappointed.