DancingFool

43 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

So should I meet up with him and express this to him? Or wait for him to ask me to hangout (if that ever happens) 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then express how I feel? Or maybe neither one of us contact each other again 

What exactly do you need to express to him? You are not in a relationship with him and it's not his problem. What you do need to do is figure out for yourself whether this arrangement is working for you as is. It doesn't sound like it is. If it's not working, then drop contact. If he reaches out again, you should let him know that you are not interested anymore and wish him well and be done. No long winded explanations, just a simple "Thanks for asking but I've decided to move on." kind of a one liner. If he doesn't reach out, then it's fine as a mutual fade out.

My entire point was exactly that when you encounter someone who is too different and leaves you feeling uncomfortable, awkward, confused - don't try to teach them or fix them, just step away.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with so much. Regarding the student loan being so high, please look into income based repayment reduction. Meaning that they look at your current income/expenses and adjust your payment accordingly. This isn't through your loan provider but rather a federal program if I remember correctly. May be handled through your loan servicing company as well, they just don't advertise those kinds of options for people. You have to dig hard to find it.

Regarding your health, please do talk to your doctors about what's going on and especially the uncontrolled crying and inability to stop. It's easy to blame grief over the relationship ending, but your health situation can have a lot to do with it. It's worth looking into and making sure you are OK or whether something needs to be done, changed, adjusted, etc. in your treatment and recovery.

Finally, if you feel isolated where you are, maybe consider moving - whether it's back closer to family and friends or simply closer to a city where you can more easily make friends and have things to do.

On 1/1/2022 at 11:26 AM, Mystic said:

I knew he had mentioned having multiple phones before in the past when he was doing drug-related things. I was very nervous when I seen that phone charging but I didn't say anything. He didn't say anything about it either. We laid down and went to sleep together. The random phone disappeared and he only kept his current phone around while I was there.

^ You've got to stop sweeping these kinds of things under the rug. He isn't just some recovering addict who is super proud of staying clean, he was/is a dealer. To get involved with someone like that was a huge mistake and poor judgment on your end and you are still in denial about it.

People like that aren't just manipulative, they are dangerous. It's actually nice of him to boot you out of his life now that he is back in that world and active again (assuming he'd ever really stepped away and not simply gotten tired of pretending to be normal around you). You need to stop being intentionally blind and naive about that stuff.

As for him texting your fam holiday greetings or responding to your dad, honestly, it's just normal. He doesn't hate any of you, he has just made the decision to end the relationship. Lots of people will text holiday greetings even years after anything meaningful is over. Please stop trying to read anything into this because you are just hurting yourself.

As for mutual friends, OP, once you break up there are no mutual friends. They are either your friend, his friend, or the toxic fence sitter who loves to stir the pot and play with people's emotions. I'd put my money on the latter here in the text you got. Cut those "mutual flying monkeys" out of your life and start leaning on your actual friends and family for support. People who genuinely have your back. Also, ask everyone around to stop talking to your ex or discussing him with you unless you need to vent.

Finally, it's common for dumpers to string you along for as long as they can. It's selfish in that they don't want you anymore, but then want to use you to make themselves feel better and less guilty about hurting your feelings. That's why the advice is always to stop all contact so you can start healing instead of being strung along and jerked around emotionally by someone who no longer wants you.

Also, I sincerely hope that once the raw pain subsides, you actually take off those pink goggles and take a long hard look at yourself and what drove you to get involved with this guy. I think you are actually lucky he chose to dump you instead of dragging you down with him. Nobody can promise you to never break up with you - that's a manipulative lie told to a vulnerable person who drank it up. Please learn better from this.

3 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

Providing I was leading my life as normal and I was happy I was prepared to give her time to realise her mistakes and work things out together..

...oooof.... Her mistakes? 

Maybe stop lying to yourself that you are totally cool with the break up when it's so painfully obvious that you are far from it. You can't heal when you can't even admit you are hurt.

1 minute ago, Dragonfly19915 said:

Thank you for reply. 

I think that's what makes it worse. I knew that his behaviour wasn't right but I just accepted and believed whatever he told me. Even though my gut was telling me it was wrong. 

I am a loyal and trusting person and therefore find it really difficult to accept that the last few years have been a complete facade. But like you say, that is the reality of it.

And that's when the self torture comes in and I begin to completely blame myself. 

Blame yourself for what exactly? If there is anything to regret here is that you didn't listen to yourself and walk away faster. That's kind of the nasty thing about passive aggressive people - they will not give you a straight answer until they are so cornered that there is no other option left and even then.... You cannot depend on their word and do have to learn to read their behavior and then be strong enough to make decisions for yourself without someone else having to spell things out for you.

Instead of wasting time and energy on regrets, learn from this so you know better and can recognize what's going on faster in the future. Regrets are worthless, lessons are valuable.

24 minutes ago, Phill73 said:

But knowing her as I do after reading her txts for over a year for her to say thank you she means it..   she’s caused arguments between us and Iv left her house and gone home to cool off, I’v txt her my apologies for leaving and explaining why and she’s always thanked me for such nice messages,,

I can assure you 100% if she was annoyed with me txting she 100% would not thank me for that message ..

Different context. Come on guy, you are in your 40's and should know basic language nuances. You keep saying that you are fine with the breakup and yet you seem desperate to keep contact and try to read something into nothing. Better that you stop tormenting yourself and walk away clean from this. Don't need to make a breakup so messy.

OP, there comes a point where you really do need to stop telling yourself that this was a great relationship that ended abruptly and start looking at reality. For example, for an entire year, you were hunting for houses while he was refusing to participate. This is not how people act when they actually want a future with you. 

Basically, he was being 100% passive aggressive with you and only happy to linger in this arrangement as long as he didn't have to do anything for real. It's also known as placeholder relationship. Once it reached a point where he really had to move or tell you the truth that he is not that into you, he finally spoke up and ended things, but he pretty much had to be cornered for that to happen. 

Going forward, pay more attention not to what you want, but rather does the guy reciprocate roughly equally? If you find yourself pulling and pushing and doing most of the work, stop and reflect on what's going on. If your partner doesn't step up, probably time to leave. Learn to be more aware of passive aggressive people and their language as the world is full of them and you'll end up dealing with them often and they are a total nightmare.

Dude, she wasn't pleased to hear from you, this is formal language that implies distancing and formality. A bit like a company responds to customer complaints with "thank you for reaching out to us about...." They aren't actually thanking you for anything and aren't pleased to hear from you, but they do have to deal with your bs and respond politely.

Overall, your first response to saying no to playing friends with the ex was the correct one. Do stick with it and walk away. Stop reaching out to make yourself feel whatever because all you are doing is making a simple breakup muddy and difficult.

Lots of people break up with the "let's stay friends" line and either they don't actually mean it, it's just a soft let down OR they do want to continue to use you for certain benefits but without a full relationship. Effectively to use you to get over you kind of a thing. Similar to weaning themselves off in a way that is least painful to them. However, once they do move on, you'll end up in the trash bin. So again, stay away from friends with ex's nonsense. Sounds a lot like since she had her fit, she has actually already moved on and is fine without you in her life, thus the formal response. Please take the hint and stop reaching out to her.

Keep in mind also, that the next woman you'll date won't look favorably at you being pals with your ex as it looks too much like unfinished business. You say that you are over this, then act like it and stop reaching out, checking in, etc. Done is done. No more contact.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it's a duck. Basically, stop trying to sweep under the rug what you know is completely wrong behavior that you have no reason to put up with.

On that note, drop this idea that he is a good guy and pay attention - when you've expressed concerns and requested relationship boundaries, his response was aggressive gaslighting and zero consideration for you and your relationship with him. Zero respect, just dictating terms.

Unless you are happy with sharing your relationship with another woman, being disrespected, lied to, gaslighted, and cheated on, and otherwise treated like a second class citizen....RUUUUUN!

Keep in mind that you aren't dating his family or friends, you are dating him and he is acting like a pos toward you. RUUUUUN!!!!!

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

Well, I feel bad because the story that inspired it was something traumatic that happened to her.  And because I kept her character male. 

 

Well....the thing is that it's not actually about her and that's kind of the point. While you were inspired by the idea/story, ultimately it is all you, your imagination, your story, your work of fiction. It would be different if it was her biography or specifically about her but it isn't. I really don't see that you've done anything wrong here.

I'm genuinely confused on why you think that this is something terrible that you've done?

Virtually all fiction is inspired by something or someone. What makes it fiction is exactly what you did - develop it way beyond the story that originally inspired you.

I think your first step is to stop worrying about how people will judge your speech impediment. Those who will judge you harshly aren't your people or your problem. Those who will look past it - what will they see? Someone interesting? Someone fun? Someone kind? Someone they can connect with?

Relationships are not about being perfect or looking a certain way, it's all about connecting with people. The more genuine you are, the easier it will be to connect. So no, don't volunteer if that's not your thing. Do figure out what is your thing or things and pursue that because that's where you'll meet like minded women and it's way easier to connect with someone who is like minded than some randos online.

Basically, once you let go and shine through beyond your speech impediment, others will look beyond it too. If you get stuck on it and allow it to stop you from pursuing things, connecting, finding your passions, etc.... then you will stay stuck. Stop thinking of yourself as Mr. SpeechImpediment and start thinking well beyond that in terms of who you are as a person and let those aspects of yourself loose because that's when you'll attract the person who values all of you, aka the right match.

13 hours ago, hapee2bme said:

I know his ex hurt him. He said he is ready to move on and leave his relationship with her behind him. 

^What does this mean? Is he still with someone else, in the process of divorce, or parted ways but still in love with his ex?

It's exceedingly strange to be spending so much time together and yet sleep in separate beds, OP. Especially 9 months in. Who is driving this choice, you or him? Even more strange that you've traveled together, shared a room and even that didn't encourage intimacy and you slept in separate beds. That is beyond abnormal.

I think it's time for you to step away from the "he is so nice" narrative and start looking at his actions. What you are describing is more platonic companionship than anything else. Also, please don't tell someone what you want, rather observe what they offer when you start dating. You said to him that you are affectionate, buuuuut....you aren't living that are you? In fact you are settling for scraps of an occasional hug and maybe holding hands here and there. Meanwhile he doesn't seem physically interested or able to meet your needs for whatever reason and you've wasted 9 months on that.

I don't think at this point that you should suddenly throw yourself at him. It's kind hard for me to understand how you've kept up this platonic dynamic this long and never brought up the lack of intimacy. I guess you can still bring it up since you've know him so long and hear what he has to say. Other than that, I'd say read the writing on the wall and accept that what you've seen for 9 months is what he is like and if an asexual relationship is not your cup of tea, end this or keep it for what it is - a friendship - and start actually dating men who are interested in you romantically and desire intimacy.

1 hour ago, heartbroken84 said:

Ugh now I regret gifting my two bosses $5 chocolate box from costco...will stick to just holiday cards next year

Nothing to regret. It was a nice gesture for the season that's not over the top. I think the point is that you don't need to do anything extra and can stick to the usual cards for your co-workers that you already did.

Did your co-workers get you anything? Unless you have some kind of office secret Santa type thing or workplace holiday gift exchange, it's probably best to leave things be.

Your boss sounds kind of awkward. Could be that she means the gifts go only one way from her to employees so she is kind of sharing/regifting what you gave her.

I'd probably just step back and let it all be. Keep in mind that if you give gifts, you obligate your co-workers to reciprocate and they might not be into that.

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I don't want to get back together with her right now.  I want some time to pass before it happens.  Shebjas some inner work to do and I have some inner work to do.  She is the love of my life.  I wouldn't bother even trying a relationship with anyone else.  

So maybe it's better that you two stop the contact for a set period of time precisely so that you both can work on things and then reconnect when ready or check in with each other and where you both are at that set point, like x months out. Kind of like lets work on our respective issues and touch base in 3 months again and see where we both are at. What do you think? Would that help? Or are you afraid that if you don't talk for awhile she will just move on?

2 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Just an update… because I’m thinking writing about it will help.

parents called a family meeting on Sunday. They gave us the news that dad has been diagnosed with early onset dementia. After everyone had left they asked me to hang back. Dad apologized for his “outrageous” behaviors, saying it was due to his new diagnosis and side effects from medicines.

☹️☹️☹️

I'm so sorry. That's a very difficult situation for all of you.

My late aunt was ultimately diagnosed with that and the first signs that something is off was similar - she became very angry, combative and just overall difficult, which is polar opposite from her normal personality. She was always a very fun, easy going kind of a person and the illness really changed her quite drastically. 

Big hugs to you and hang in there.

4 hours ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

We are both in college now and I dont understand the normal dating life part. Is there something abnormal about pursuing a girl? (Or is the problem is that I am doing it too much?)

I am looking for a GF and she is what I had in mind. I tried talking to other girls but they cannot compare. Also it might be just cultural divide but sex isnt really what I want: thats for marriage, years from now!

I think the answer on why I am doing this is my infatuation evolved into love during our conversations.

It's not OK to keep pursuing someone who already said "no thanks". So yes, the problem is that you have become stuck on her.

Despite the above, I think that you do need to ask her to date just one more time and if the answer is no, even if it's a soft and confusing no, you need to stop completely and walk away from this entire situation.

For you, this is not a genuine friendship in that you are heavily invested in her emotionally and also romantically and that prevents you from being able to develop healthy connections with other women. So for as long as you continue to talk to her, you will not be able to see that there are other and even better options. You quite literally need some time to get over her and disconnect so that you become open to other people who are actually into you romantically. Put it simply, you can't develop a healthy relationship and connection with anyone else while you are so in love and attached to her.

She may be your first romantic interest, but refusing to walk away has also stunted your growth when it comes to dating and relationships.

25 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Texted her today saying "Hey E. How are you feeling?". She didn't like that saying "Hey what's up" in the afternoon is something you'd say to a buddy. 

I offered to visit and look after her or keep her company during her isolation period. She basically said it is not about making her feel better but about me wanting to spend time with her. Not just doing something to make her feel good or better. But she would keep the offer in mind. 

I had no idea how to respond to this. So just said OK hope you feel better soon goodnight. 

....You know....some day you will look back at this situation and cringe to the bottom of your soul at how absolutely pathetic you were being and what a sad sad desperate doormat you were without a shred of self respect or self esteem in sight. I hope that day comes for you sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, I dare say that you will continue to humiliate yourself until she finally kicks you to the curb for good because she finally found who she is looking for.

I'm honestly embarrassed on your behalf....smh.....

14 minutes ago, Cynder said:

It's a thought.  I am not sure how she would take it.  And also I would be embarrassed admitting to her that I keep wanting to look. 

 

If she is generally a kind person, then she won't think less of you for needing what you need and for being honest about it. I'd imagine that she does know about your OCD tendency, so she is likely to understand better than an average person.

The only other alternative is taking a complete sabbatical from FB until you do break away from that compulsion to look. Being that it's the holidays, it might work if you just tell people that you are taking the holidays off and hopefully that's enough time for you to break away from this ritual forming. It's kind of that time of year where most people would be understanding about that. A bit like hanging a sign on the door of a store "On break, be back by...."

This might be odd, but can you talk to her and ask her to block you again specifically on FB and explain why you need that honestly? Would she do that for you without taking it the wrong way? 

That would be one way you have to stop without your business suffering. You could even ask for a set time frame if that would help you maybe?

On a side note, of course you are still very much in love and not over her given that it's only been 4 months and very tumultuous and confusing ones at that. Be sure to be kind and patient with yourself as you figure your way forward, whichever way it may be in the end.

1 hour ago, dias said:

If she looks like her profile pic, I doubt she has to pay for anything. 

It's strange she is bothered by it and it's strange he asked for a commission. Probably they both need to find a better job. 

I doubt it's really about the $40, but more the growing tensions and resentments if the OP hasn't been employed in so long and he has had to shoulder things solo. (Assuming they are living together) When couples squabble over something seemingly trivial, there are usually much bigger elephants sitting around the room that need to be addressed and aired out.

22 minutes ago, Littlerich86 said:

No drugs or alcohol my friend, ex junky and alchy before I had kids but yeah you're right time for me to find myself again, maybe should not have said the word drug when I described it, everyday has been a fight to not go back but I don't as I want better for my kids

 

Consider that the extreme highs and lows of a toxic relationship and a mentally unstable partner (putting it politely) is addictive and actually mimic the highs and lows of drugs. Not saying this to be mean but to make you aware that the reason you feel that intense attraction is more akin to addiction than love and perhaps there is a sense of familiarity there you are not fully aware of.

For your kids' sake, you've got to leave and stay away forever. You've done it before, you can do it now. What would happen to your children if she succeeded in killing you or may succeed if you continue? Let that thought keep you strong and going in the right direction. They need you and you need to protect them.