My husband puts me down - but he's not an ogre!

Hi, I've just joined today - I found this forum as I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there who has the same hubbie probs as me!

My hubbie and I are are very much in love; we've been together for 10 years and we got married June 2003. We get along fine MOST of the time, except when I do certain things he doesn't approve of.

Here's the most recent example; he happened to park my car in our drive for me one night, the next morning I came to start it up and he'd left it in gear (I never leave it in gear) so he said, 'don't you press your clutch in when U start it up? Oh that's dangerous!' I replied 'It's not! I don't leave my car in gear but I always wiggle the gearstick anyway to check it's in neutral'. He retorted with stuff like, 'you could have hit something then' blah, blah, blah - trivial right (the whole conversation)? Surely it's just a personal thing? Anyway........

To stop this post being too long, the whole point is that if I do something I'm always worried that he'll say 'why are you doing it like that? I wouldn't I'd do this'.......'You'll learn by your mistakes'..... etc etc. Who says I'm making a mistake by doing it my way!?

If I try to respond he talks me into a corner and I can't think of answers for him, or if I get annoyed he just says I'm being childish. Arghhhhh! It makes me so frustrated. I don't know whether it's because he's four years older than me and he thinks he knows better than me or what?

I'm a 27 year old adult and I have a bit of knowledge - how does he think I coped till I was 18 without him!!?

Can anyone sympathise with me or have any words of comfort/advice?

This is a really tough one...Most guys or people do things and don't realize they are doing it.

Have you actually sat him down and told him how you feel...Be warned that he wil probably get really really angry at first but will come around and try to change his behaviour.

So my advice just talk to him and brace yourself.

I agree with titan. I think people in general are guilty of thinking their way is the only right way. He needs to have it pointed out to him that we all think like that and he needs to respect that you do things your own way. I would let him know how much it frustrates you. Good luck resolivng this issue.

Yeah that is a tough and touchy situation. When you to start talking about stuff like that, don't get defensive and try to to argue about it, cause it sounds like he will agrue until you admit that he is right. Just listen to what he has to say, but tell him that there is more that one correct way to do something. If he makes a good point then take it to heart, otherwise, just let it roll off your back. If he gets pissy because you do something trivial different that how he likes it or does it, then just let it roll off and don't get huffy about it. But i think that you need to talk to him and tell him that you don't like it when he tells you that what you do it wrong, even though it is not. Just try not you argue back, i have found that if you argue it goes know where, just try to stay calm and talk about it.

Thanks for your advice guys! Mmmm well I tried to sort of get my point accross last night but I ended up getting annoyed with him - oops

Although he did apologise for winding me up; he said he knows he does it as when we have a 'discussion' about things he said he likes to be the other side, a sort of devils advocate......I just said 'I'm not very good at that!'

Well, I'm going to keep persevering; I thought every time an issue comes up I'd try and broach the subject with him then and there instead of letting it fester. I'll see how it goes! Well, I mean what's the worst that could happen, he might not talk to me for a while or something - I can deal with that if I can resolve my issues!

Thank you!

I would just tell him point blank that his constant "Devil's advocating" is becoming such an irritant, it's really taking away from your good feelings about him and putting a cloud over your marriage.

Hopefully, that will make an impression with him. No one is "good" at dealing with someone who is constantly criticizing them. It's not your problem, where you should have to learn to deal with it. The problem is his - he needs to stop it.

Make sense?

I understand what you're going through.....in a way kinda. My husband is a few months younger than me and grew up "sheltered" by his mom financially. I've been working full time since I was 16 and knew how to take care of my self and household bills. But he talks to me as if I have no idea what I'm doing. He doesn't just tell me that I'm doing something wrong but he degrades me while doing it. He calls me names like idiot, moron, retard, stupid * * * * * or "not bright." Not only does he do this to me but he doesn't care if other people are around to hear him say it, especially around family. But according to him the only reason why he calls me those things is because that's how I act.

I have the same problem with a husband who puts me down all day. After seven years I just figured out a perfect solution! Whatever he says I turn it around 180 degrees, repeat it as a compliment and thank him for it. I sound like I have gone off my nut, but who cares? He is driving me crazy anyway. I feel fantastic after, he is a little confused. Here is an example:

He says," You never close back door and let all the hot air in while we have the AC on,"

I say," Thank you for reminding me that I am very conscientious and always remember to close the doors."

He may come back with: "I don't understand you, I just said you left the door open again."

I say Yes, I do close all the doors in an efficient way, than you for pointing it out."

Somehow this not only neutralizes the negativity, but actually makes me feel good about myself! Try it!!