Divorce hell - husband involved with "my best friend&am

I am shocked and disappointed... double-time! Shock and disappointment came from the very two people I've never suspected of being able to do this to me...

My marriage wasn't a great one, we started a business together and put all of our energies into bringing it up - no time left for our personal lives... well, this was the mistake. I have tried for 1 year and a half to establish an equilibrium between work and "leisure" (tried to get him out of the working space for a walk, for a weekend, organized unnoticed romantic nights - etc.), but my soon-to-be-ex-husband showed absolutely no interest in our relationship, motivating this with "the higher goal" of making our company grow so that we can enjoy life later...

Three months ago my "best friend" (good looking, always fancy dressed, still a student, no work = a lot of spare time, lipstick and all) started showing up increasingly often at our office and our house... pretending she was there for me, because I looked tired and lonely and perhaps needed her support (well, she was good at making me believe her intentions were clean!).

One evening she pushed my husband to go out with me, her and some other friends who invited us at a pretty nice club. He said ok, we went there and while I was in the ladies room they kissed in front of all of our friends... I was just exiting the ladies room and heading towards the table and saw it all... I felt numb... I don't think I understood what was going on - it was like my mind rejected it all...

The next few weeks, she'd come to the office and they'd lock themselves in his office for hours. Then his birthday party came. I was still numb... and then, again, in front of all people invited (out of which some were... clients!) they were dancing (like that way of dancing) and... I realised it. Pain, pain, pain...

Then there was no more hiding and, picture this:

- they went to the mountains two weekends in a row (and to me he used to say: "hon' but can't you see how much work we have to do??? we cannot afford wasting a single day!!!)";

- I found aromatic massage oils and candles in the bedroom (never did that with me!!!)

- he took her to the Opera (and oooh, how I wanted to go to the Opera with him, bought tickets and all... but he said: "I don't like this bull@#%it, they roar and moan - booooring. Go alone if you like.")

- he bought himself new lingerie - replaced the "white cottons" I hated so much... but not for me...

... and there's much more...

Now - please tell me guys - nevermind the snake so-called-best-friend - but what about my husband's mind???

I am a beautiful woman of 26, I am a wonderful cook, I am calm and understanding, I am friendly, alive and playful, I work hard and never complain... but I wasn't worthy of a single weekend in the mountains in years, of a single romantic evening, of a single Opera delight... Was I only good to wash dishes, cook, solve his sex drive and work? Why on earth did he marry me?

I am in a state of mind which tells me I might be stupid or something... for coping with it for so long and trying so hard to make it work... is he a jerk, or am I a stupid no-good doormat? My self-esteem is the lowest it can be... I feel rage - I feel it's unfair... I am confused... I am afraid... I am divorcing him because I can't take it anymore but... am I so wrong that I cannot make things work? Is giving a wrong thing? Should I try and become a b@#tch?

Please help me understand where I was wrong!...

Hi.

I am sorry to hear this. I know someday you will feel better.

I hope that everyday for myself. You just gotta take it one day at a time.

Personally for what this is worth, I would divorce this guy.

You don't have to be mean about it, but simply if this guy is going to do this then do you really want to stay with him ? Do you really want to stay in a relationship where one person doesn't give anything in return ?

I was in a relationship like that and I'm still hurting and very confused about the whole thing. I gave 110% and she gave nothing. I still love her, but I also want someone to give a little in return also.

Drop this guy, youre young and have a lot of life to experience. Make the experience a happy one for yourself.

I hope this helps.

I agree with Velkeria. Affairs are affairs, but this guy humiliated you in public! Kissing in front of friends? Smack him, throw him out of the house, and take all the money you can during divorce.

I understand that this is one hell of time for you and you are feeling all these confusing feelings. but as an outsider I have to tell you: a) he is absolute jerk, no way around it, b) you do not have to make things work. after all, he humiliated and hurth you in a nasty way and, as painful as it is, gives you all the cards: you do not have to invest in this relationship anything at all anymore. Do not feel bad about it.

thank you, velkeria

well... I am determined to go through with the divorce - 17 days to the Great FREEDOM-BACK Day - I cannot stay with someone like this and I know that I will get over it and move on as fast as my broken heart will alow it. I am lucky I have my reason to snap me out of any attempt of reconciliation might come to my mind.

The problem is that I am trying to find out what were the issues that actually led to the lack of respect, care, attention, neglect etc. (not to mention love!) - apart from him being... as he is.

I want to try and find out what were the mistakes that I made and why me being caring, understanding, nice, creative and all was not enough, or worse, somehow encouraged him to act as he acted towards me.

I want to acknowledge those mistakes, stick them deep into my system, in order not to repeat them, ever, in my whole life, in any relationship I will have from now on.

Was I too giving? Was I too demanding? Was I too much into him that I forgot myself? Oh, dunno... I feel like in those Tom and jerry cartoons, with a little red devil on a shoulder and a little cute angel on the other: "Blame it on him!" / "Blame it on yourself!"

well. amilasiu... I just can't be a b|+ch... And anyway, I just want to see it through and over. And go back to being alive again (apart from working hours), to my friends, poetry, drawings, clay pottery and toys which I just love to give to my friends' kids

The company makes enough money now so I don't have to worry about finances... I have my own house (I just LOVE to be back HOME!) and fortunately there are no kids involved! So I just can start over with plenty of force.

But I want to improve, for the sake of any future relationship - I want to be able to say - well, this wasn't a total failure - I learned valuable things about relationships in this tough-times marriage - I want to learn from the mistakes. Never repeat them.

The thing is I can't see what I did that was so wrong...

You know what you did "wrong" ?? Nothing......you were just guilty of being too nice. I am a woman who has been just as guilty in my past of the same thing (more than once). But NEVER again. I bought a book which is really doing the rounds now called, "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES......From Doormat to Dreamgirl.....a Woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship." You flip the book over and it says....

Do you feel like you are too nice.............

I knew when I read this sentence that this was the book for me....it's written by Sherry Argov. I suggest you either get a copy from the library or keep one with you to study over and over again, that's what I intend to do. I will never again let a man treat me in a bad way.

Take care of yourself, be gentle and kind with you.....you know all that stuff you gave to him? Give it to YOURSELF instead from now on.

Britgirl

Inah, my heart goes out to you. not every man will treat you like this and this guy is a total loser. believe me i know exactly where you are coming from as my wife and the mother of my 3 sons has done almost the exact same thing to me and at 30 i find myself on the scrapheap. dont change anything if you dont want to, women are not the only ones who can get walked on. you and i both married cheating jerks. unfortunately it happens. but i know exactly what you mean. it is so very hard to pick up the pieces. dont go making wholesale changes to yourself - the thing you change might ruin your next relationship.

I know it is hard and you will doubt yourself - i do everyday, the rage the loneliness and despair - feel them and heal, if you didnt feel them you wouldnt be human. But be yourself, be assertive and stick up for your needs, but dont ever be something other than yourself.