From being single to married is so difficult…. isn’t it?.

There are many people who before marriage lived alone and I would like to hear from those, especially those that lived alone by choice? You see, I am finding it extremely hard to adapt to married life after being a single man for so long.

If you have read the 'Venus and Mars' books you will understand this next bit. Having been single for such a long time, my home and hobbies (healthy hobbies such as going to the gym and football) have become my 'cave'. A safe and comfortable retreat to escape to. Having a cave is healthy enough but I am finding that I don't want to come out. Trouble is, marriage has recently forced me out and I now feel trapped and stressed. I have always been a bit of a loner even as a school kid, so it's not a new thing to me. Is it wrong to want to be alone, and do you think there are serious consequences later in life? Anyone else had this problem and if so how did you manage to juggle the wishes of the heart with a committed marriage?

Thanks for reading, hope you can help.

Hello. I got married late enough (31) and lived alone for a long time before that. I too was a loner in school, but became more sociable in university. In principle, I am still a loner. What I suggest is that you maintain that space, those things that give you pleasure, even if they mean being alone or doing stuff without your spouse. This is very important since just because you are a couple does not mean that you cease to be an individual and anybody who makes you feel guilty for needing that alone time, will be causing you much pain in the long run (you need that escape and it gets worse when you have kids).

I believe my husband and I have lost those things and that is why we are having trouble. You are a complete being outside of your mate and children and you realize this more when you get into the whole house thing, child thing, etc. how your time is compromised!!!!

For example, for years I have plopped down in front of the TV after work with my husband to watch like whatever show. Recently, I said hey, you like this escapism, but to me it is brain deadening. I said I will be reading or working out in the basement from now on. It was tough, but I need that time to me, in my own way.

Tell your wife that this time is important to you and she should also seek it out herself. Good luck.