Might be seeing ex soon, current b/f not happy...

In about 2 months from now, I am planning a long weekend trip down to my old college to visit my old roomie/best friend. When I was in college we had our own little group, which eventually turned into a "family." My boyfriend at the time and I were the parents, my roomie and his suite mate were our children. My "son" is supposed to drive down there with me as we are going to try to plan a little "family reunion" to celebrate mine and my roomie's birthdays.

Here stands the problem. My ex and I haven't seen each other since I moved back to MD when my mother got sick. I got back together with a guy I left a while ago, Stephen, when I came home and he and I are still going strong. Stephen is not thrilled about the idea of me seeing my ex again. He claims it is because he doesn't trust "him" but he trusts me. However, whenever I have plans to see another guy, friend, ex, what have you, he gets jealous. But he always says he trusts me, just not the guys.

Does he really trust me or does he just say that to keep me from getting upset at him? How can I make him more comfortable with the idea of me going to see my ex? I mean, I've already talked to my "son" about it and we are supposed to watch each other's backs as there is a girl down there he is having issues with. So, neither of us is really supposed to spend any time alone with either of these two people. But my boyfriend is still worried and I don't know how to ease his anxiety.

faeriechyld,

I can feel the same way as your boyfriend quite often. What you should think about is that he's not worried about you wanting to be with someone else, he's worried about someone else trying to get to you. It's hard to see the difference, and it's not purely a distrust of you, he just knows how guys are. This is quite common. He probably knows that you have no intention of starting any old feelings back up, but he doesn't want someone else to bring those feelings out, and have you be blinded by them...

I guess what he's saying is that he trusts your mind, and he trusts that you really want to be with him, but he just worries about you being blinded by a crush or old feelings.

Just a thought!

S.A.M.

SAM is on the money as always, and I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jealous men in relationships (I'm in recovery tend to focus on the thoughts of men pursuing their women, as opposed to the other way around. They imagine that some knight in shining armor is going to sweet talk and woo their women away from them. In this society, women get hit on daily and the prettier ones that much more. For example, my g/f is very beautiful and she dresses semi tight and stuff, so I know that she's going to get hit on and gawked at that much more, but what helps me in my jealousy is to think of how much she loves me and how she proves it daily and to know in my head and in my heart that I am better than ANYONE out there for her, and that she knows it and I know it. It may sound kind of weird, but it does wonders for me.

Anyhow, you recognize that he has a jealousy problem and you're coming here seeking advice so obviously you care about him a lot. Just try to reassure him that you care about him and only him and that you don't have any intentions of doing anything behind his back. If you can, call him from that place you're going. Trust me, he'll feel great about the fact that you're thinking about him while you're there. That'll put him at ease a little.

Be understanding, but at the same time remember that his jealousy is his problem not yours. I wouldn't be thrilled if my g/f was going to hang out with some friends and her ex, but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. If when you get back he starts giving you the detective interagation, answer some of the questions but stop him immediately when it gets out of hand. Everytime you answer his questions, it'll encourage more and more questions. If you answer all of his jealous questions, he's going to always ask you those types of questions everytime you go out on your own. Good luck with your relationship and always keep the communication open.

If you can, call him from that place you're going. Trust me, he'll feel great about the fact that you're thinking about him while you're there. That'll put him at ease a little.

Very good point! If you call him he'll know he's on your mind!

Just don't call him all the time, and don't make it a habit when you're out with others, or you'll feed his jealousy in the sense that he'll expect you to call. Then, if you don't call some night, he'll worry way too much. Just in cases like these where you know he's worried sick, it might be something to consider.

Thanks, netman!

Good luck,

S.A.M.

Thanks for all your replies. I agree, it is his problem, but I do care a lot about him and I want to try to make him as comfortable as I can with this. The funny thing is that instead of getting jealous when others "check" me out or whatever, he actually gets very proud to be standing next to me. That is not when he gets jealous, it's usually just when I am going somewhere without him and there are other guys going that he starts to get worried. But the calling idea was very good, so I think I will try that. Thanks again!