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Thread: Is he a good guy? He told me to shut up

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2018

    Is he a good guy? He told me to shut up

    So I've been talking to this man, he is 6 years older than me and was a professor in my department (he won't work there anymore). We talked via social media throughout the semester but it never got past minimum flirtation, and during school it was as if we didn't know each other since we didn't want to compromise our credibility as student and teacher. My friends are wary of him for he isn't the best looking guy or the tallest (he is like 5'1) and duh, he is older (what does he want with a 19 year old with no dating experience) but he is smart, his jokes are funny and clever, he is a volunteer in several city programs and seems like a loving friend and son. He really is the first guy that has me thinking all day long about him (what is he doing?, does he like this?, what would he think of this,? does he like me?) so for those feelings I'm open to take risks.
    I've been subtly telling him I have a crush on him, and he has been doing the same. However, he does it and then acts really cold, then I ignore his texts and he does the same. I don't know if he does that to protect himself (he is going to live in another country in a few months) or if it is my neuroticism, but I can't know that since I feel like I don't fully know him, and the same goes for him, texts aren't enough to show how I am.
    Those feelings get worse because in real life we have only met once "in private" (it was at our college restaurant and there were several classmates around and I was a horrid nervous mess who couldn't speak well). We talk well when there are others around but that's it.
    Now, he has 'invited me' three times to go clubbing. The first time he is at a bar and at 10:40 he tells me to go, I say no, then he says he's drunk and texts me 'rude' 'rude' 'rude' and says he is sad but won't say why. The second time (2 weeks after), I told him I was going to party with some friends and he tells me he'll be there too with some of his, I say: ok then I'll see you there.
    I have no data so he calls me and hour later and asks me if I'm there, that he'll be in this other club and then they'll go to the one we're in. Long story short my friends want to go to another one and we go, he calls me at 2:30 am, I'm on my way home, he says he is in the club and tells me to go there, I tell him I have no data you have been drinking and you'll forget about me (all jokingly, kinda messing with him). He gets annoyed and tells me he really wanted to see me and . I get home and tell him I'm sorry, I was scared that you wouldn't call me and I'd be in that place with no money, data or calls. He says that that would've never happened because he'd be there for me, I'm like ok, I messed up, I'll trust you next time.
    The next day is the third time he 'invites me', he says he'll be in the same club celebrating his best friends birthday. But he will be first visiting other friends who had come from a long trip.
    Me: yay cool.
    Him: so (clubs name) today?
    Me: what do you mean with (clubs name) today?
    -Are you inviting me?
    Him: if you want
    Me: are you inviting me for real?
    Him: duuh kid, if you want we go.
    Me: idiot I was waiting for you to say that.
    -what time?
    Him: I think I'll pick you up at 11:30.
    Me: ok! Then call me when you're ready.
    Him: will do!. (High five emoji).

    Then we don't talk anymore since I'm at my cousin's party and I know he is busy in his friends reunion.
    Me. 10:30: Yo boi
    11:11 are you coming???
    11:37 my parents won't let me out now
    12:30 You stood me up.

    I of course feel like since my fears of last time were true, it's the first time I agree to go alone with a guy to a party and he does this, I feel humiliated and used.Meanwhile my parents telling me my friends are crap, and that that is a really ty thing to do, no more going out this late yada yada. Then I tell myself I'll treat him like the other guys this and that. Basically crying and trying to make myself feel good.

    He texts me 10 minutes later. I'm taking my makeup off, he is calling, sending messages, apologizing, I'm online but I won't answer. He says he fell asleep (he had been working late and going out almost every day so it was believable), that he was too tired , he is sorry, he feels like , to let him compensate me. I say: it's ok, try to get rest next time. He is calling and I'm hanging up. Then he tells me he did this to his friend (girl) too, so I feel worse. Now I'm jealous.
    My friends say he is probably lying, that he is taking advantage of my inexperience, he was probably with another girl.

    The next day he had a trip with the same friends from yesterday, he didn't text me in the morning so more ty feelings for me. He texted me all afternoon but my phone was off, I turn it on, I answer to an I hate you that was after an I'm sorry, and I say 'i hate you too' then he calls immediatel at like 5pm. I'm exhausted and kinda missing him so I answer. He sounds drunk.
    The first thing he says is that he hates me and my personality, he is only repeating that and asking me why do I hate him. I then say I don't, he asks me what do I want him to do that he'll come right now if I ask. I tell him to stay there and hang up.
    Me keeps calling and texting. I'm text him and say 'what do you want from me?' he says 'affection' and after 4 hours I forgive him seeing that I want to feel that I tried everything and didn't give up on whatever this is so I trust him.
    Now, two weeks after that, we've been talking ok, and about some payed work that I have been helping him with.
    But yesterday (he is in another of his party trips) he tells me he won't be available considering he'll be in a boat to an island and later to a party, I feel good and happy for him and tell him to ruin his liver and enjoy his hard earned money.
    He updates me all day on what he is doing, and it's all good he seems to be having fun. At 8pm he texts me and says he feels like crap, I laughing, ask if he ed up his body already.
    Him: no
    Me: it's emotional?
    Him: it's everything
    Me: aww noo, Where are you?
    Him: I'm at a party at a ing island
    Me: try to look for a hammock to rest :(.
    Or try to dance to see if you'll feel better
    Him: shut up
    Me: ?
    Him: you should've come
    Me: Too late kid.
    I'll go out now, I have no data.
    Him: ok

    Then this morning he texts me this
    -I read our conversation, did I say something wrong?.
    -im sorry (lots of sighing emojis).

    He is calling me right now an I don't know what to do. I feel hurt and disappointed. The thing is that in a day I'll have to meet with him for that job I'm doing for him but I don't know what to do after that. So I know that at least for the job I have to answer him, but later I don't know what to do with him, I like him still just a lot less than before. Seriously I don't know If he only likes me for my appearance or if he even likes me. I feel like I've been rejecting guys that are kinder, as smart as him , much more handsome and that treat me better but I don't like them!.

    I listen to all advice, sorry if its long!.
    Also this is my second language so bear with me.
    Thank you for letting me vent.


  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Boston, MA
    Well, your English is fine except you're using the word "data" for "info" I think.

    As to your question, this guy is coming off as insecure, bossy, and impatient. He may not have a lot of experience with girls (probably because he's only 5'1") and he's sounding like he's being a jerk. He may never have been in a long-term relationship before, and I'm afraid he might be trying to get you drunk and into bed for a quickie. I doubt that this will lead to a long-term relationship. If you're looking for awkward, inexperienced sex, he's your man to practice on. You could probably pull a powerplay on him by turning things around. If he wants it, make him beg for it. You can have power over him. Don't let him boss you around, you can boss him around. At least until you're tired of him. Make sure you take precautions and have yourself checked for STDs because he might be the kind of guy who's used hookers in the past.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    I'll be blunt. You are wasting time on a loser guy.
    Do the work thing you committed to, and then just fade out contact with him.

    The world is your oyster. Date some of those kinder, more considerate guys who show interest. Real dates - not inviting you out late to a club. Not texting you drunk.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    He's not interested. He hasn't asked you out, and is requesting a booty call with the late night texts. If someone like you, they ask you out on a date. Not this other nonsense.

    he is leaving in a couple of months. Even if he wasn't, he is a waste of time. You boost his ego with the texts, and that is about it.

    Find someone better. He also sounds like he has a drinking problem. He is not respectful and very immature.

    I would say that "affection" is code for sex. This guy does not care about you.


  6. #5
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Try to take the advice above. He is a loser and he is after sex with you after he has been partying with his mates.

    If you keep it up with him, you are going to be hurt badly. Move on.

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Oh I suppose I don't know what the word is, sorry!. I used data referring to mobile Internet as in 4G in your phone and all that.
    Also I have to say I agree with you. I guess I closed my eyes a bit to what he is, since I hadn't felt like this about someone before, but those thoughts about him did come to mind.
    Youre spot on too, his longest relationship lasted a year and that was in his last year of college (6 years ago), he's only had short relationships after that one. I don't think he does it willingly but I now see why they don't last.
    I'll take your advice and won't involve intimately with him, it's the safest way for me. Perhaps a powerplay will help me heal a bit, who knows!.
    Thanks a lot, I feel cleared up!.

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