Sex drive imbalance but unable to have an open relationship. Between a rock and a hard place.

I'd like to start by saying that this forum has always been there for me and I am so thankful for it. I am not here often, but looking back, its been a tremendous help on the odd occasion.

My S/O and I started having a sex drive imbalance about mid-way through our relationship (we've been together 5+ years). She's struggled with overcoming past abuse. She also has pain during sex, but this has improved with communication and having sex certain ways that help. There was a time in our relationship where the pain was really making sex more of a chore than pleasurable for her, but it has improved tremendously over time since then. Our sex life recent has been great. The only thing I would complain about is her frequency for initiating. My sex drive is through the roof (way above average) and most of the time I bring the desire to have sex up. This makes me feel insecure a bit. Why doesn't she initiate and make me feel wanted and desired? Why isn't sex on her mind more? Why doesn't she have the urge like I do? Even if it was her coming to me 1/3rd of the time, that would be much better. She started taking supplements which boosted her hormones, and they definitely worked to fix this problem, but shes been on and off with taking them consistently.

Anyways, that's not the main focus of this post, just the back story. She recently started school full-time and also works. Its made her incredibly busy. Her self-development into a career is so important to her. I want to give her enough space to reach her goals. But that means cutting back on sex. We've agreed that we would have a date night and sex once a week. This is definitely a sacrifice on my part. I wish I was more okay with it but the imbalance kills me. The control aspect of it. Its like I'm a toy sitting in the closet that only gets to be dusted off once a week.

Well, this resulted in us having a series of huge conversations seriously considering having a relationship open to other sexual partners. At first, she was totally for it and felt closer to me because of the conversations we were having, but we have both been on and off, up and down, all over the place with it. One minute we both feel secure with it, and then the next minute we start second guessing. The idea of other sex partners was started mainly for me because she's less available now. This was the expectation that she (at first) agreed to... that I would have sex with other partners because of her unavailability. She did not have plans to have sex with others, and told me that she would be honest and open about it if the desire ever came up. She's busy, if she has time for sex with others, she should have time for sex with me, right? But this imbalance eventually lead to the discovery that unless she's doing it too, she can't see it as equal and wont be able to feel secure with me doing it. She feels that we both need to know what it feels like from both perspectives in order to take it seriously and be understanding of the other. (sort of like her saying, put your money where you're mouth is and really consider if you could put up with me doing it too.) Maybe it was a bluff to get me not to want it. I agreed with her anyways. This required way more thought. All these questions came up:

- What if we fall for the sexual partner through feelings that we cannot control?

- How can you have sex without a degree of love/emotion?

- What if were both available for each other but we still prefer the outside sex partner?

- What if it makes our relationship look dull in comparison and something that one of us doesn't want to put the work into anymore. After all, your sex only partner will most likely be all fun and games, no hard long-term relationship work there.

Because of these questions, we decided not to go through with it. But now I'm feeling kind of down because we unlocked this huge openness and honesty through the discussions we had. It seemed like a great thing at face-value. We would be avoiding all of those problems that shackle other couples; hiding sexual desire for others, the possibility of cheating, feeling guilty. ect.

In the end, it all comes down to trust and security in your relationship. In order to do this I would need to think that nothing could rival what we have on an emotional, life-partner, level. The sex isn't the scary part, its the feelings and love that could develop and neither of us realistically think that that can be completely avoided. It almost seems uncontrollable. And that's why we can't really know for sure that it won't ever happen if our relationship was open. We are okay with swinging with other couples (same room or separately) and having a 3rd. But were doing those things together or with partners we know are in dedicated relationships as well.

I think that our relationship needs to overcome jealousy, trust issues, and insecurity before we can move forward with an open relationship. So I guess I'll just have to accept the sacrifice I've made of one night per week so that she can achieve her goals. Isn't that what partners are for?

I don’t believe in open relationships to be up front.

The problem I see is the lack of sexual desire for you on her part. It sounds as if the once a week is for you alone that she could careless if you two are together intimately. I understand bettering oneself but not at the expense of your relationship. It’s just like a partner that is so involved at work that the relationship suffers. Now there are cases where do to financial reasons work has to be the priority or education to get the job required to survive.

It’s just odd that she says we can only do it once a week but if you do what I gave you permission to I will find time to f-around as well. It’s not about trusting more, it’s about why you can’t find time for us when you would for another man. It’s not honey get your need fulfilled I don’t have time to be with you. It’s I don’t have time for you but I will make time for someone else.

If its less sex because she is busy. What happens when you marry someone and have kids -- are you going to leave her because she is too exhausted after pushing a baby out of her body to have sex with you? This woman had pain during sex, but cared enough to try to push through it and make it work (and she could be ignoring a medical problem). I don't think this is so much as compatibility, as far as you needing to adopt an adult view of sex that its not just being with someone who will satisfy you whenever you want them to.

What do you do? Do you work? Do you go to school? How are you not busy also. you know maybe you can have one great date night with leisurely sex you can take time for, but why not after awhile, try to have a quickie? Surprise her with a quick romantic meeting. This may not work at first because you will be too eagar. ANd also start practice being sweet to her -- when you see her not on the date night, use non-intercourse related touches, and shoe concern. if she thinks you want to nail her every second she won't be relaxed - she may very well have sex with you more -- and she IS setting aside time.

Her and you seeing other people wont solve her past for her, it'll probably make it worse.

I sympathize with what she's been through but taking tablets wont make it go away, nor will casual sex when both of you should really be having sex with one another.

Maybe take a break from each other, see what happens from there.

Thanks for the advice! We had our first date day today and the sex was amazing! She woke me up with morning sex which she knows I love. Then we fooled around later and it led to more sex. I'm starting to think that scarcity can be a powerful tool that prevents the "routine" sex. Other aspects of the day with being out spending time together was great as well.

Although, I have this shaky feeling. An uncertain feeling. I'm yet to pinpoint it. It's almost like this space between us has broken my heart a little and I feel less lovey emotionally and more insecure. Something I want to run away from, because I'm worried that going towards the feelings will make matters worse. During the "I'm too busy" moment that this all started with, I immediately had this fight or flight feeling. I started distancing myself and thinking about a single life. It felt good, like I was connecting with myself, they way I was before the relationship.