Crushing on Best Friend after 10 years, both married.... HELP!

Hello all, this is extremely awkward for me to be dealing with, and extremely private so I don’t feel there are too many in my real life I can go to for advice.

My best friend in college was a guy, let’s call him Mike. When we first started hanging he asked if we could be more than friends and I said no. I was infatuated with someone else I worked with and told him that I’d rather be friends because of the other guy.

We remained friends and after 6 months or so he began dating another girl. She and I actually became friends and she trusted me to be around her boyfriend alone because there was nothing to be worried about! I was NOT into him! And the longer they dated, the more comfortable it became because they seemed healthy and happy, I still had my old friend and now a new one, and I figured any feelings he had for me in he beginning had faded now that he has a girlfriend he really likes.

When I met my current husband it was love at first sight. We instantly started spending all of our time together which meant he got to meet my best friend and his girlfriend. He said he understood but felt slightly uncomfortable when it seemed like Mike and I were an item and he was just some guest, meaning my friend and I had a relationship, chemistry, and history, and he and I had barely met at the time. So I backed off hanging out with my friend. We were neighbors for 3 years and I moved to a new place away from him so the separation was actually easy.

My husband and I dated for 6 years before we decided to marry my friend was with his girl friend the whole time and they got engaged shortly after I did and married shortly before. We attended theirs and they ours. We’re all friends. Over time my husband has made good friends with Mike’s former roommate and so the whole group has stayed connected through the years.

Well this weekend we all (My husband, Mike’s former roommate, and I) went to the local college sporting event and I ran into Mike there. He was alone in line getting popcorn and I was jumping in line for the same thing. With excitement we said hello and discussed how it had been over 6 months since we had seen each other, and I congratulated him on he and his wife’s upcoming baby! At this point everything is normal.

After ball game, we go to local watering hole and hang out. I sit next to mike’s wife, Mike to her right, his former roommate then my husband continuing right which was across from me. I chat with Mike’s wife some about the baby and congratulate them again. After a while, Mike and I just can’t help it. We turn the whole conversation into a trip down memory lane of all of our adventures. My husband has grown very fond of Mike over the years and does not feel threatened by him even when I get excited to see Mike or enjoy an evening laughing with him about all the crazy stuff we use to get into, so I let this keep going.

On and on we go and I finally realize that no one at the table is upset, but we should probably try to change the conversation so others can join in more. So I start a new topic but Mike quickly changes it back to stories of us. I just let him go with it, we were having fun and neither of our spouses seemed bothered, and why should they? We’ve been correcting people for years saying we’re JUST friends, really good friends, but nothing more.

So, after we all pay our tab, Mike and his wife get up to leave first, I am talking with someone to my left (a couple I haven’t mentioned yet because they don’t have anything to do with the meat of this post) and Mike comes behind me, bends down and gives a huge bear hug from behind and kisses me on the back of my scalp. My immediate natural reaction was just jump up, spin around, shout LOVE YOU and throw my arms around his neck. (This really really stood out to me because as close as we have been in the past, hugging and kissing, even as friends has never been a part of our relationship.)

I don’t know why, or how, but for the first time in my life and in the 10 years I’ve known Mike, my heart had little butterflies for him. This is so insane and wrong! I’m married, he’s married and about to have his first baby! When it all happened I told myself that it just missing hanging out with him. We were just having so much fun rehashing old times, we both just got caught up in a massive amount of affection we have for each other because we NEVER see each other or hang out anymore. But, this is day 2 since that night I seriously cannot stop thinking about him.

I love my husband and I don’t want to cheat on him or ruin my marriage, plus I respect Mike’s wife and marriage as well. My reaction is that I should probably just stay away from Mike all together. But, then I think, that’s sort of what brought this all on in the first place. If we were able to hang out from time to time, would we settle down a little bit in our affection towards each other, the way it use to be?

I’ve read it’s normal for married people to develope crushes on other people than who they are married to, but why did it have to be Mike and why now???? Was it just nostalgia overload? Also, why did he kiss me? That has never been a normal occurrence for us! Is it just uncharted territory throwing me off? I honestly wasn’t feeling anything new or different until that moment. I was just happy to be hanging out with my old friend and having a good time, then butterflies when he hugged and kissed me, reacted by shouting that I loved him and hugged him, followed by extreme feelings of guilt due to our spouses and his new baby.

Anyways I came here for any advice or experience that might help me get a grasp on my feelings and put them back how they were.

Thanks!

Rosie

My post is about 1/4 of what it should be.. is it too long and so it’s cutting it off?

If a moderator see this I think I need some assistance. Sorry, I’m using tapatalk and my post seems to be cut off on the tapatalk version and not when I use safari. Not sure how to make sure my whole post can be seen.

Rosie

IÂ’ve read itÂ’s normal for married people to develope crushes on other people than who they are married to, but why did it have to be Mike and why now???? Was it just nostalgia overload? Also, why did he kiss me? That has never been a normal occurrence for us! Is it just uncharted territory throwing me off?

It's probably just the thrill of something new and different after all these years with the same person. It happens quite a lot. Try not to deceive yourself into believing that hanging out with Mike more will make your feelings diminish. If you value your marriage, protect it. Things can get out of control fast.

It's probably just the thrill of something new and different after all these years with the same person. It happens quite a lot. Try not to deceive yourself into believing that hanging out with Mike more will make your feelings diminish. If you value your marriage, protect it. Things can get out of control fast.

Thanks, I wish you could have read everything. There is so much more to this post but it’s not showing for some reason

It seemed pretty complete to me. It even ends with you saying, "Thanks! Rosie"

This is so insane and wrong! I’m married, he’s married and about to have his first baby!

 

I love my husband and I don’t want to cheat on him or ruin my marriage, plus I respect Mike’s wife and marriage as well. My reaction is that I should probably just stay away from Mike all together.

Yes, you're right, it IS insane and it IS wrong. Very wrong. And yes, you should stay away from him.

When reading your other threads, it seems you are not 100% happy with your marriage and your husband. Clearly there are issues. Now you are "crushing" on someone else - heading towards straying outside your marriage. If you love your husband as much as you claim you do, then perhaps it's time for you two to look into marriage counselling to help you sort out whatever issues are going on in the marriage. Messing with another guy is NOT going to fix your marriage, or his. He and his wife are about to have their first baby! You have no place there. Back off and stay off and focus on your own marriage.

Yes, you're right, it IS insane and it IS wrong. Very wrong. And yes, you should stay away from him.

 

When reading your other threads, it seems you are not 100% happy with your marriage and your husband. Clearly there are issues. Now you are "crushing" on someone else - heading towards straying outside your marriage. If you love your husband as much as you claim you do, then perhaps it's time for you two to look into marriage counselling to help you sort out whatever issues are going on in the marriage. Messing with another guy is NOT going to fix your marriage, or his. He and his wife are about to have their first baby! You have no place there. Back off and stay off and focus on your own marriage.

My marriage is not perfect but I am happy with it overall. And I NEVER said I would stray or that I even wanted to. What I said is that I wanted advice to help me deal with my feelings.

I asked for help to show this entire post. Since your quote came from a part that cannot be seen on tapatalk, I assume you’re a moderator. Think you could help me out and read my entire post, not just skim before commenting?

And, in case this mod can’t get my entire post up, I want to clarify that in my original post I speculate that my new feelings, that totally came out of the blue, were due to the fact that Mike and I never hang out together anymore and when we do we’re both just so excited to see each other, and we just got carried away this time. I also want to clarify that the “kids” was a goodbye kiss on my head as he parted. So maybe we were just overloaded with nostalgia and excited to see each other, because we use to see each almost everyday and be close friends.

If the original post cannot be restored, please just take this one down. It’s not representative of what happened or what I came here for.

R

It seemed pretty complete to me. It even ends with you saying, "Thanks! Rosie"

That’s the end, but the beginning isn’t showing.

Rosie

My marriage is not perfect but I am happy with it overall. And I NEVER said I would stray or that I even wanted to. What I said is that I wanted advice to help me deal with my feelings.

 

I asked for help to show this entire post. Since your quote came from a part that cannot be seen on tapatalk, I assume you’re a moderator. Think you could help me out and read my entire post, not just skim before commenting?

 

And, in case this mod can’t get my entire post up, I want to clarify that in my original post I speculate that my new feelings, that totally came out of the blue, were due to the fact that Mike and I never hang out together anymore and when we do we’re both just so excited to see each other, and we just got carried away this time. I also want to clarify that the “kids” was a goodbye kiss on my head as he parted. So maybe we were just overloaded with nostalgia and excited to see each other, because we use to see each almost everyday and be close friends.

 

If the original post cannot be restored, please just take this one down. It’s not representative of what happened or what I came here for.

 

R

OP, your ENTIRE post is showing. It is complete. There is nothing missing. It seems only YOU can see a small part of it.

Also, I did NOT "just skim". In fact, I read your entire post twice. I still stand by my original post. Nothing's changed.

Okay so where did I say messing around with another guy was gonna fix my marriage? Just take it down. This was a mistake.

Thanks,

R

Okay so where did I say messing around with another guy was gonna fix my marriage? Just take it down. This was a mistake.

 

Thanks,

 

R

OP, you seem so angry and super defensive. You are (deliberately?) misinterpreting my post and taking it out of context. It seems I hit a nerve. Sorry. Maybe someone else will have better input.

Side note: we don't delete threads.

That’s the end, but the beginning isn’t showing.

 

Rosie

No, it's there. It begins, "Hello all, this is extremely awkward for me to be dealing with, and extremely private so I don’t feel there are too many in my real life I can go to for advice....."

Nothing you wrote changes my advice. I think you should stay away from your friend until your feelings subside. They're just feelings, random things that don't mean anything.

Bottom line is, if you value your marriage, you ought to protect it. Otherwise, you'll make yourself very unhappy down the line.

"My best friend in college was a guy, let’s call him Mike. When we first started hanging he asked if we could be more than friends and I said no. I was infatuated with someone else I worked with and told him that I’d rather be friends because of the other guy."

Well, that was your first mistake. Once romantic intent has been declared, you can't be "just friends." Don't make that mistake again. As to "how to get over it", well, letting your husband read your post would be a good start. You need to have a conversation about this will him. If you were my wife, Mike would be ZERO threat to our marriage after that.