7 Years into a Committed Relationship. Big Decision to make....

I’m hoping those of you in long term relationships or those who have recently endured difficult break ups will be able to help...

Let’s call me Greg & the mystery girl Khloe.

I have been in a relationship with Khloe now for over 7 years, meeting at the age of 17, and like any relationship we’ve had our ups and downs over the years, but the overall feeling is that I have been very happy & that we truly are the best of friends.

I’ve grown up with the girl, learned so much about her, about myself and about life in general, I’ve become a better person, I’ve matured & spent the best years of my life with her, the list could go on....

The problem is, if I am being truly honest with myself, I have never felt that raw unavoidable passionate love for her, which I now crave as we enter that vital part of our lives - marriage, kids etc! (baring in mind we already own a house together & she is an irreplaceable part of the family).

Call me shallow, but I know the reason for that is that for some time now I haven’t really been attracted to her.

Don’t get me wrong she’s an attractive girl and a lot of people would probably say I’m lucky to be with her...

But recently she has put a lot of weight on and it’s almost as if I have a overwhelming feeling of resentment when I look at her.

I never want to base everything purely on her looks and be that judgemental who looks her up and down every time she gets dressed, but I can’t help the way I feel, which drives me mad.

I’m sat here writing this in a bar on holiday, where I should be having the time of my life & thinking about how I am going to propose to her, instead I’m sat alone & feeling incredibly anxious about our future when we get back home.

The problem is, I know the attraction thing is on both parts - I know I have put weight on too & let myself slip, it’s obvious she doesn’t look at me the same way she used to. Our sex life is non existent and whenever I try to instigate something she pushes me away. That’s a whole other problem in itself. Should we really be experiencing those problems at our age (we are both 25)?

It’s almost as though I feel like we’d both be better, healthier people if we weren’t together, as we have both fell into a complete state of comfort and laziness.

The problem is we have both put so much into this relationship. We have a house, we stayed together throughout my university degree where I was away for 3 years and we genuinely are ideally suited in terms of personalities.

Do you think we can rekindle that ‘spark’ we once had & stay together?

Do you think in order to do that we need to be apart for some kind of break?

Or do you think we shouldn’t be together if things are how they are now & ultimately they will only get worse?

Any help would be much appreciated.

Thank you,

G

Have you ever heard of something called the 7 year itch?

You both have been together through thick and thin, have lasted these 7 years growing from young adults to adults together and have survived. That is an admirable feat and I am sure that any other couple that has lasted through the same would be at the same stage. Neither of you has truly lived as single adults, but that is a different subject.

Yes, you have both grown complacent due to time together. The passion has gone, but then it often does after 2 years and you just flow into being happy enough with each other not to want to kill each other. This is where you are at and I think it will take a bit of effort on both sides to ensure that things flow on into the future, if that is what you want.

What is the issue with her not wanting to be intimate? Is this working into the lack of feelings from your side?

Have you spoken to her about any of this? One thing you could do is join a gym and get into shape together. Many relationships fall into a lull after so much time together. Be careful with thinking this is a sign of incompatibility in and of itself. . Think very hard before throwing this relationship out. Sounds like things may be salvageable with a little communication and taking action. Of course, you’ll need to find out where her lack of desire originates from. Excess weight can make people sluggish and undesirable feeling in general.