Abused as a 4yo, but do not remember.

Hi, I have only just come across this forum. Since a very young age up until now (34) I have continually struggled with self esteem, self image, depression, anxiety.

Alcoholism through my 20's (now 3 years sober) and generally had a disconnect with people.

I had a suspicion something happened to me but I didn't have any recollection of it, it may have been from reading things on the topic and music I listened to. but I had this feeling and one day in my late 20;s I was with my mother and I blatantly told her " I know something happened to me for me to feel this way about myself" she broke down and told me something did happen to me.

She told me a very strange story that changed over the next few years about a neighborhood friend who walked me home from school one day, and when she got home I wasn't there and she went to his house and found him and I asleep in his bed, she grabbed me and took me to the GP and he asked my mum what the hell happened to me? she wouldn't go into any more detail but the DR was concerned.

and I realised she kept it from me because she was more concerned about how this would make her look as a mother and fear she failed and didn't protect me. she made it about her and not me. I tried killing myself once as a teen, I was a self harmer thought to my 20's. i became a full blown alcoholic after that.

can anyone shed any knowledge on the effects on abuse without really remembering it?

my mother just wants to brush it under the rug and forget about it, because if I cant remember then it didn't happen.

I cant help but think this is why ive never been able to make friends, or get close to anyone. I'm fearful of it.

the first years of your life shape your view on everything.

I try to move on but this seems to haunt me.

Have you had counselling for this trauma? If not, you should go. A trained therapist can help you work your way thru it.

I have in the past but this was prior to most of this.

good idea tho. I will see who's around in my area.