I want to get rid of him but at the same time I don't want to

Met him over 16 months ago.

I was in a bad place, he gave me a job, love and support, that I thought was never imaginable.

8 months later he changed towards me, he got a new job and things changed towards us, saw him at least once a month.

We had many awful fights but always made up, I said some awful things, sometimes I wonder who why even talks to me.

Anyways, here is the thing, I see him as my closest friend, I don't have many friends, we still sleeping together once in awhile not regularly .

We talk almost every day.

I lost the job he gave me and now unemployed again but trying really hard to find a job for myself without his help.

But I am so crazy about him I want him for myself but he doesn't want me. He says he is attracted to me and cares for me deeply but doesn't see anything with me. And I respect him for that because I know we are not fit in so many ways.

And at the same time I don't want to lose him as a friend and lover.

I know I would get over him if I just blocked him but I will miss our little chat about anything, I feel so comfortable with him, I can talk to him about anything.

Sometimes I get angry at myself for feeling the way I do and hurt he doesn't feel the same way about me.

So I don't know what to do 😔

Why did you lose the job he got for you? What happened there?

I got dismissed for gross misconduct because I had an argument with a supervisor who was really horrible towards me for the year I was there -I was verbally abusive towards her on that day and because it's a grocery store and it happened on the shop floor they consider that as "brandy damaging" - so she suspended me and then I got the sack on the disciplinary meeting.

You can't be friends if there are feelings.

I suggest you block him, and expand your life by making more friends.

It seems you are a ship without an anchor. You rely on him to be your caretaker (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver). Do you generally have a hard time keeping employment? Did you go to human resources about how this supervisor was treating you? I'm sort of not on topic to your general enquiry but I'm doing so because I'm thinking its time that you block and delete him and do your best to improve on your ability to be an independent woman who is happy in her own skin instead of relying on him for your self worth and happiness.

You have been a glorified booty call for a while now and it's really wrecking havoc with your self-worth. Time to go cold turkey withdrawl from him, start working on you and getting your self worth back by reaching goals and accomplishing things on your own.

You've been unable to get over your addiction to him because you talk to him every day and by doing that, you're not giving yourself a chance to rehab from him. You can't quit smoking when you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Having sex with him will not garner you a relationship with him. If it would, you'd be in one with him now.

Cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact and acceptance that you're not a couple and that he's not interested in being a couple with you will get you to a blissful stage of indifference to him. You have much to accomplish starting with getting a job on your own and working hard to advance yourself at that job. You'll find you don't need him at all when you are self-sufficient which will lead to your self-esteem improving and you being able to pick a good man that you an live interdependently with.

One day at a time starting with zero contact without him keeping you mired in your obsession of someone that takes your sex but doesn't want to be with you in all ways.

I agree^^^^ Stop being his booty call. It is devaluing.

It seems you are a ship without an anchor. You rely on him to be your caretaker (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver). Do you generally have a hard time keeping employment? Did you go to human resources about how this supervisor was treating you? I'm sort of not on topic to your general enquiry but I'm doing so because I'm thinking its time that you block and delete him and do your best to improve on your ability to be an independent woman who is happy in her own skin instead of relying on him for your self worth and happiness.

 

You have been a glorified booty call for a while now and it's really wrecking havoc with your self-worth. Time to go cold turkey withdrawl from him, start working on you and getting your self worth back by reaching goals and accomplishing things on your own.

 

You've been unable to get over your addiction to him because you talk to him every day and by doing that, you're not giving yourself a chance to rehab from him. You can't quit smoking when you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Having sex with him will not garner you a relationship with him. If it would, you'd be in one with him now.

 

Cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact and acceptance that you're not a couple and that he's not interested in being a couple with you will get you to a blissful stage of indifference to him. You have much to accomplish starting with getting a job on your own and working hard to advance yourself at that job. You'll find you don't need him at all when you are self-sufficient which will lead to your self-esteem improving and you being able to pick a good man that you an live interdependently with.

 

One day at a time starting with zero contact without him keeping you mired in your obsession of someone that takes your sex but doesn't want to be with you in all ways.

Thanks for your great reply,

It's so hard to imagine not talking to him, I share everything with him, every time I get call for interview he is the first person I tell 😔I know it sounds so pathetic and it is. But that's my reality.

I don't even think blocking him it's necessary, I think if I just stop contacting him he will just fadeaway. He is very popular and has many friends and great family so sometimes I think he just seems me as burden.

I asked him before during argument if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said "of course not, but the arguments needs to stop"

Which is understandable.

He rarely asks for my advice, I think only twice he spoke to me about problems he was having a work so I am the one always telling things and asking for advice.

I don't know why but I want him to see me succeed, get a job I love and a man that loves me" I feel like I have a point to prove to him. So show him I am not worthless because you're right I do depend on him and rely on and want his approval. Which deep down I know it's very sad but I don't how to stop feeling this way.

Thanks for your great reply,

It's so hard to imagine not talking to him, I share everything with him, every time I get call for interview he is the first person I tell 😔I know it sounds so pathetic and it is. But that's my reality.

 

I don't even think blocking him it's necessary, I think if I just stop contacting him he will just fadeaway. He is very popular and has many friends and great family so sometimes I think he just seems me as burden.

 

I asked him before during argument if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said "of course not, but the arguments needs to stop"

Which is understandable.

 

He rarely asks for my advice, I think only twice he spoke to me about problems he was having a work so I am the one always telling things and asking for advice.

 

 

I don't know why but I want him to see me succeed, get a job I love and a man that loves me" I feel like I have a point to prove to him. So show him I am not worthless because you're right I do depend on him and rely on and want his approval. Which deep down I know it's very sad but I don't how to stop feeling this way.

What ever you do, do it for YOU not him. Don't contact him at all and get your stuff together and when/if he contacts you, don't answer him or accept his contact until you have reached employment goals and have regained some of your self-esteem through goals met and accomplishes made. Those are things that give you TRUE self-worth. The crumbs of attention he gives you and then he fades are sure fire ways to whittle away at anyone's self-worth so stop that portion of your life now and work on TRUE self-esteem building pursuits. You will so glad you did.

Be happy.

What ever you do, do it for YOU not him. Don't contact him at all and get your stuff together and when/if he contacts you, don't answer him or accept his contact until you have reached employment goals and have regained some of your self-esteem through goals met and accomplishes made. Those are things that give you TRUE self-worth. The crumbs of attention he gives you and then he fades are sure fire ways to whittle away at anyone's self-worth so stop that portion of your life now and work on TRUE self-esteem building pursuits. You will so glad you did.

 

Be happy.

Thanks again - I appreciate that.

Since I've posted here - I've cut down my contact with him, I messaged him once and when he replied I didn't bother carrying on the conversation.

Normally we talk through out the day and until one of falls asleep and we pick up in the morning where we left off but I didn't entertain further conversation with him yesterday.

And it feels kinda good - so hopefully I will reach a stage of indifference towards him soon x

You need to make more friends so that you're not dependent on him to feel valued and comfortable. There are plenty of people who can fulfil this role, male AND female, without using you intermittently for sex and really draining your self-esteem.

I haven't messaged him since Monday and today I got messaged from him - he started with "hey stranger" I think he is surprised I haven't been contacting him as usual. I acted normal - he asked if I find a new job etc.

Honestly it hasn't been so hard to avoid him but I think saying no to him if he ask to see me will be the challenge. 😔

I haven't messaged him since Monday and today I got messaged from him - he started with "hey stranger" I think he is surprised I haven't been contacting him as usual. I acted normal - he asked if I find a new job etc.

Honestly it hasn't been so hard to avoid him but I think saying no to him if he ask to see me will be the challenge. 😔

Look, everybody on these forums give the same advice to anyone who posts here: break up with him, stop talking to him, he is not worth it and etc. In reality these people may be acting the opposite way in their OWN relationships with someone they really care about. So my advice to you is do whatever is good for your mental health. I do not know that man, and do not know your relationship, Only you can know if you want him in your life or not, only you can make that decision. Asking strangers online won't help you!

Look, everybody on these forums give the same advice to anyone who posts here: break up with him, stop talking to him, he is not worth it and etc. In reality these people may be acting the opposite way in their OWN relationships with someone they really care about. So my advice to you is do whatever is good for your mental health. I do not know that man, and do not know your relationship, Only you can know if you want him in your life or not, only you can make that decision. Asking strangers online won't help you!

That's so true you know - it's so easy to say than doing in reality.

He is a good man in so many ways but also selfish - he knows I am in love with him and cherish our friendship but at times he takes the piss with me because he knows how much he means to me and I would always forgive him regardless whatever he does and this is the reason why I wanna become indifferent to him- I might not remove him completely out of my life but I do want to get over my obsession with him and asking strangers on the internet is helping me towards that 👍

Look, everybody on these forums give the same advice to anyone who posts here: break up with him, stop talking to him, he is not worth it and etc.

It was only when I followed this advice that I realised QUITE how good it is. Many of the people who post on here have been through more than one terrible breakup/abusive relationship/bereavement or personal trauma and have learned this the hard way, myself included.

By all means, the decision to ask for advice and then disregard it is yours... but I've never, not even once, seen anyone's mental health be improved by hanging on to someone who's stringing them along. (And I'm more than twice your age!) It's a bit like the woman whose puppy was going to have its tail docked, and protested "Oh no! Do we have to cut it all off at once? Can't we cut it off a bit at a time so he has a chance to get used to it?" Except that that it's the dumpee who's in the role of the puppy.

Every time there's a text, or phone call, or any other kind of contact, the scab's pulled off any healing that's happened. The time wasted in a toxic relationship could be much better spent with a compatible partner, or on self-improvement so that the dumpee isn't dependent on someone who will only do them harm in the long run.

There's an excellent website which explores a whole pile of issues around emotional unavailability and how to deal with being addicted to unhealthy relationships: [url="

Deeed, if it helps then it helps, but you do realize that we do not know you or the guy you're involved with, we can only project our own pain and experiences which may or may not apply to your particular situation. I understand you need to talk about it to someone even if it's a stranger online, but don't base your decisions on the information here. It is good to vent, but we are not your therapist.

As for your obsession, People in general do not appreciate whatever comes easy, therefore, you're taken for granted and not offered a relationship since he is getting all the relationship benefits anyway. You can try to change your behavior with him, make him date you by not accepting Netflix and chill offers, or booty calls. If he doesn't want to date then you withdraw/pull back.

Also, don't think that once you go cold turkey with him you will meet the love of your life. There may be more challenges to go through, more frogs until you meet someone right for you. We are all entitled to find a better man/woman, but the reality is that it's not always so simple. You may want to spend some single time before entering any new relationships.

Yes I have realised my obsession is not healthy and since I came here - I have minimised it - he has been initiating all contacts.

I had interview on Friday which was successful (I got the job)☺️ He was very supportive and happy for me and said how proud he was of me.

And now I've realised - yes him and I will never been couple -I also realised I rather him have in my life as a friend but not a lover. If he wants to sleep with me I will just say no - I said no before and we still remained friends - And I know he will respect my decision and not push for FWB anymore.

And I've also decided to give a guy who's showed interested while back a chance- I am not getting my hopes up but who knows. 😊

Thanks everyone for your support X