A lot of on my mind

I have been depressed for most of my adolescence. I am 17 now and things are just not getting better. My sister was raped about a year a go which was tough for our whole family and I guess that has emotionally impacted me on some level as well. My brother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and is 25 nearly 26 now and still lives with us. He just sits around and complains about how the world is and no one loves him and how he is being watched by the NSA and all that. My mom has been depressed ever since my dad left her for someone else so she doesn't really care about anything anymore. I have no friends and so basically I don't really have anyone to talk to. My self esteem is practically non existent, however I've tried things like exercising and meeting new people to help with that but it doesn't really work. I'm most self conscious about how I look, I'm 5'2 which is extremely short and the girl I dated for a year recently told me she had been cheating on me with other guys because I wasn't good looking enough to satisfy her lust and that she dated me for the emotional support that she needed. I can't be too mad about this though because I should have expected it. It was a blessing that someone like that was ever with me. I can't talk to anyone because they all have too much to deal with right now and to them I'm the only 'normal' and 'happy' one. To sum up, I just want to die. Please help.

Hi moonman,

Wow.. that whole scenario sounds rough, I'm not surprised you're feeling how you feel - everyone sounds like they're wrapped up in their own private version of hell and no one's really connecting with anyone else. It sounds very lonely and isolated.

The thing with wanting to commit suicide I find is really the utter feeling of hopelessness and despair, this gargantuan hole of emptiness inside us that eats us up and there seems like there's no other choice because after all, who wants to live like that? No one I know.

From what you've said about having to be the 'happy and normal one' this is usually because we've had to completely disregard our feelings, wants, and thoughts to maintain a status quo in the family - it's likely that the only way you've managed to be accepted and loved in your family is to swallow all of your feelings and thoughts and we're made to feel ashamed of them. In this way we become almost invisible and full of self hate because no one sees or hears us, and when we try to be heard we're slapped down (things like 'you're lucky because you don't have BPD, you weren't raped, you weren't abandoned - you should be grateful that you have what you have' - this shames us for how we feel, and we suck it up).

A case in point that you 'can't' feel angry or hurt with your ex because somehow, her decision to cheat is your fault - do you see how you've been taught to not be allowed to feel how you feel?

This is emotional neglect, and it's totally normal for you to feel how you feel now.

For you I would really recommend starting to express yourself in any way that feels safe for you to do so - this could be through crying, shouting (all in an environment that is safe to you), painting, sports, writing - anything that appeals to you. Your family doesn't sound safe to do this with so I would avoid this if possible.

Once you've done this and gotten it all out (and I mean totally let loose, express it as much as you can and then some), ask yourself what in this moment will make you feel a little bit better, then go and do that thing. This will get you in the direction of what will make you happy, rather than keep sacrificing yourself to keep other people happy - that will always, without exception, cause misery and despair.

You can also check out this video which will give you further steps:

Use this forum to vent if you like - after all, it is anonymous and no one knows who the hell you are, so you have carte blanche to get out everything that you want to get out, it can be handy for that. Or do it privately and then burn it symbolically (especially helpful if you don't have privacy or feel that your privacy is threatened).

I hope something in here's helped - it's a big topic and one I could happily write a book about but getting a starting point can sometimes be your first step. Many of us have been where you are, you're definitely not alone and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do feel, it's your indication that there's something wrong and that something needs to change, the best of everything on your journey.

This sounds like a good starting point. Thank you for the advice and giving your time to write it.

the girl I dated for a year recently told me she had been cheating on me with other guys because I wasn't good looking enough to satisfy her lust and that she dated me for the emotional support that she needed. I can't be too mad about this though because I should have expected it.

In a previous post you had presented that relationship under a different light. However, based on what you wrote here that girl was toxic and emotionally abusive. You did not deserve any of her abuse and NO you should not have expected it. You are actually very lucky that she is no longer your girlfriend. How she treated you had nothing to do with your worth. It was all about her being a crappy person. Nice people do not abuse others. Cheating and abuse are never justified. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and a break up can make things feel even worse. Your family situation sounds very difficult and it sounds like you need to seek all the help you can get. Is there any way you could gain access to professional counseling/therapy? E.g. is there a counseling service in your school or a helpline who could tell you what help is available out there? Exercise and seeking new friends sound good steps but it does take time to meet people who click with you so you may need to give it some more time. Volunteering for some good cause may also be a good way to meet nice people and may help you get your mind off your family and personal troubles. What you are going through is tough, no question about it. However, it sounds like you are a strong individual and the fact that you have sought healthy outlets such as exercise and new people indicates that you have a good head on your shoulders. Please don't give up and do seek professional help near you if there is available.

No worries moonman, I hope things improve for you - go towards anything that gives you a sense of relief, ease and safety in openness, and away from anything that makes you feel shut within yourself, closed off, claustrophobic or humiliated (just as a few examples but you get the idea) - these are cues as to whether you're on course or off course and can be used as your compass.

We're always here if you need to rant - most of us came here to rant as well so you're in good company.

Talk to trusted adults at school and ask to see a school counselor. You need responsible knowledgeable adults in your life who can help you cope and eventually get out of this situation.