Embarrassed of posting and ashamed

I dont know if I can do this anymore. Afraid of it all. Broke no contact and replied to text regarding a something very important that needed to be addressed. But after addressing the topic, everything snowballed and I became anxious texting 65 million times. I feel so ashamed and I feel like is wrong with me. Now I don't know what to do contact or no contact, block or no block. Blocking causes me a lot of depression that I noticed. I would like to be able to keep him unblocked but not make contact. But how??? do I control myself. Even when he was blocked I kept looking at my phone hoping he would use another number like he has in the past. omg is there any way out!!!! He did say that he is still in love with me but thats about it he made no suggestions in meeting or touched on reconciliation and that bothered me a lot. so I I felt rejected again. Now I feel like a complete fool, and am so ashamed at my lack of control, it is so unattractive. Even if he did want to touch on getting back together again, I blew it. so I will never know. I asked him if he still in love with me he said yes, I asked if he thought there was a chance and he paused then quickly said that a small part of him has thought about it but it was clear he did not want to elaborate, hence came my pain, that well I tend to put my own self through, because of my actions. Now I want the the dignity that I lost yesterday back. But I also feel like I might have lost control and may go on another texting frenzy. It was one day of contact. and it has actually been 4 months broken up, I originally thought it was 5. What a freaking S*%t S*@w. I'm even embarrassed to have posted it on the forum. But I need to get honest with myself. I believe we can be as sick as our secrets and well obviously I love sick enough!

Take a moment to breathe. You're stuck in a negative emotional pattern, and it's not easy to get out of those. NO ONE is at their best when a relationship ends, especially when it "kind of sort of" ends but there is still contact and hope (either false or real, it can be hard to know which).

What do you think the best approach to healing might be for you? Continuing to stay in contact, or letting him go? Answer that question in one of your clearer moments, write down the answer and refer to it when you feel tempted to stray from your chosen course. Each time you slip up, get back on track. Find a way to interrupt the negative thought patterns whenever they start to take over. Get up and move your body, call a friend, write in a journal, see a therapist, find something that works for you! And keep posting here. Sometimes that can help too

Aw I'm sorry. A lot of us have been through this exact thing. It's horrible to see yourself spiral out of control, and just watch, helpless to stop yourself from makign a fool and making things even worse.

I really think you should go No Contact and Block him. It may make you depressed for a while, but that depression is because you are forcing your brain to let go, instead of constantly hanging onto hope. If you did blow it as bad as you think you did, I think you should do NC and Block. The problem with contact, is that no matter how much progress you make forward, makign contact often tends to bring you right back to the start and undoes all that progress.

Block and next time you think of making contact, remember how you feel today, wishing you could get that dignity back.

Take some time to take care of yourself. You aren't alone in this.

Been there and done that. Just block him and don't do any stalking. I promise that within a couple of months you will notice how great you feel and then you'll forgive yourself. By the way, a texting frenzy isn't that big of a deal. He's not going to grow old remembering it.

Most of us have done the same thing. Try not to be too hard on yourself and look at it as a learning experience. The only way you are going to be able to break this cycle is by going strong no contact. It will get worse before it gets better but when it gets better you will feel free from the pain. Hang in there.

Thank you all This is going to sound weird or maybe not, perhaps it's part of the process. But, Today for the first time I actually feel more in control of my emotions and neutral. Almost, as if I am on my way to acceptance and freedom from the hold this break up caused me. Maybe, I needed that last last poke of insanity connecting with him to realize I don't belong there. Let's hope so because I like what how I feel at this moment. I'm going to keep working at NC and I'm going to closely observe the diff between how I feel when I have contact with him and how I feel when I don't.

I've done such lengthy texting frenzies that would terrify you Also, the best ones were when he kept reading the messages but never responds or would block me, unblock me like he couldn't make up his mind. Don't worry about it. At the end of the day, he can reply once or twice and block you and then he won't even have to read them.

As long as you realise you can't keep doing it and it won't make him come back then don't label yourself as crazy. I've also done the complete opposite and blocked an ex who cheated at the end of a relationship and never spoke to him again in 3 years. When I emailed him after finding a bunch of unread christmas messages of his from years past (to say thanks, I was feeling generous...), he texts back like a shot and didn't stop texting, hi how are you, whats up etc everyday... until I had to ignore again. He had a gf too. So yeah, it is just human emotion that you gotta somehow keep in check.

It is a process, why wouldn't you wanna cling on if you loved them, it's understandable but it does not help you move on x

You hit it on the spot, mfrankie. Indeed it does not help to move on.

Wish you all the best.