Feeling So Much Regret

My ex-fiance and I were together for 4.5 years. We got engaged on Christmas this past year, and I was starting to plan our wedding. He actually did not seem at all interested in our wedding, and made it clear that he only proposed because he knew I wanted to get married. Other than this, throughout our relationship, he's been very support and good to me. We had always gotten along well, and there were a lot of wonderful things about our relationship that I valued. There were also things that drove me crazy, just like most relationships I guess, but of a little bit of a more serious nature. For instance, he couldn't stand my family, who I am very close to. Most of this is because his family was very abusive to him growing up, but he would take it out on my family as if it were their fault. Another thing is that he wasn't very confident about sex and would never initiate it, which made me feel pretty ty about myself a lot of the time. Even times when I would initiate, about half of the time he would decline or completely ignore me altogether. The third and final straw occurred a few months ago when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My father and i aren't overly close, but my ex-fiance took this as a sign that I shouldn't care at all. While I cried, he complained that I was crying and then went out with his friends. I felt so upset over this (obviously), and a few months ago really started examining if this was the right choice for me... to spend my whole life with a man that couldn't help me get through a difficult time.

At the same time as all of this was happening, I met a colleague who I really enjoyed spending time with. He's a year younger, and an awesome person to talk to and hang out with. We ended up developing a great friendship. I started to develop an attraction to him, probably because I felt like he was the exact opposite of my fiance... healthy, happy, upbeat, positive, a great listener, and a great support. He really was such a positive influence that I feel like he helped me be a better me for a time (make healthy choices, make choices that would be good for me, rather than relying on what was good for others, etc.) As I started to break things off with my fiance, I started to emotionally cling more and more to the idea of this new guy who I really liked. And he was the same with me... probably developing almost an emotional affair, although things with the fiance were over at this point. We talked constantly about deep subjects, went to the gym together a few times, grabbed drinks after works sometimes, and just really hit it off. I actually wrote about this guy about a week ago in the Attraction and Flirting board, because I was getting such strong vibes off of him. People who we worked with were telling me that he had a thing for me. He was continuously in contact through text and snapchat, and when he left his position at our company last week, he and I went out for drinks together in the city, resulting in me spending the night on his couch (I live about 45 minutes away and we both decided that drinking and diving was a bad idea). The next morning, he took me out for breakfast, gave me a copy of his favorite CD, because he thought I might like it, and then all week continued to text and snap me with little inside jokes and stuff. We made plans to hang out last night. He invited me over for drinks and games at his house. We were talking about everything and anything, like we do, and he mentioned that because he's moving an hour or two away for the summer and will be starting a new job, he's not looking to start any sort of relationships right now. After getting massive vibes from him for months, I was pretty crushed.

This morning we talked briefly, and with our history as friends I felt comfortable bring up the fact that I was a little confused over all the mixed signals I'd been getting from him. He apologized and stated that he didn't realize that he'd been giving me that impression, but he really enjoyed our friendship and hoped we could remain friends. Now I'm even more crushed.

I spent the day today dwelling on everything that has occurred in the past few months. I am realizing more and more that while I had major issues with my fiance, I feel like I let things go with him too quickly because I had this other guy who I thought things were going to work out with. I feel really terrible and heartbroken about both men. I feel guilty about breaking up with my fiance, whom I really did love, and I feel guilty for having the feelings that I did for this other man. At the same time, I feel kind of pissed off that I let myself fall for someone who didn't have the same feelings for me, and who kind of led me to believe that he did for months. Now I feel like I'm lost, and a terrible person all at the same time. I don't know what to do... I want to contact my ex just to talk, but I don't know if that's too tacky, since he is not the sole reason for my tears. I know this makes me sounds like a terrible person, but I just have no idea what to do. And my heart hurts so much.

You don't sound like a horrible person at all, and have little to feel guilty about. I'm sure you would handle each of those situations a little better were you given the chance now after having gone through them, but I think that's true of most of us. You may have made a mistake in clinging to this other man amidst your doubt and the pain your fiance was causing you, rather than facing that problem dead on. However, if you had, I think you may have come to a similar conclusion - you weren't willing to get married to someone whose heart wasn't really in it, and who wasn't able to emotionally support you in hard times.

But, from your crush I think you learned some of the qualities that you need in a relationship - qualities that your ex did not possess.

I've had many crushes like you had with the second guy, and they usually fade pretty quickly when you stop entertaining them. As fun as the friendship and the hope was, the potential relationship is pretty fuzzy in your mind, and easy to forget if you don't hold onto it. But you can't really stay friends in this kind of situation, at least I've never been able to.

It's going to be OK.

First of all, cut yourself some slack. You were unhappy in one relationship and had high hopes for another crush. This is so common, that there's a name for it. It's called a rebound. That's what this new guy would have been had you ever taken it to the relationship level. Nothing more, nothing less.

Life is much too short to feel guilty over these things. You didn't go out of your way to hurt anyone, and you were making decisions based on what you thought would make you happy at the time. That's better than lying to yourself and to your ex-fiance and staying with him when you weren't happy, and the fact that the new guy told you straight up when you confronted him that he didn't want anything serious is better than him lying to you as well. You ended up in a pretty decent position. My advice to you is to break contact with both guys (in the case of your ex-fiance, don't reach out to him again, especially, as you said, if the only reason you're doing it is because you feel spurned by the new guy and feel guilty for breaking things off with him) and just live your life. Date other people, do things you like doing that maybe you couldn't do before because you were in a relationship. Enjoy yourself.

Unfortunately you got caught up in the grass is green syndrome. There were serious issues with your fiance and it would not have worked out anyway. It's doubtful he would welcome hearing from you especially since you can not be honest about the cause of your heartache.

It may be best to realize neither of these men were a good fit and only seemed so because of wedding bells or the thrill of infatuation. Perhaps reflect and examine why you would marry someone unsuited or go astray with someone equally unsuited.

I want to contact my ex just to talk, but I don't know if that's too tacky

It may be best to realize neither of these men were a good fit and only seemed so because of wedding bells or the thrill of infatuation. Perhaps reflect and examine why you would marry someone unsuited or go astray with someone equally unsuited.

So I completely agree with part of this. A huge part of why I broke up with my fiance was that I realized that I had been overlooking things that were significant issues for years because I loved him, and also because I think that there was that societal pressure and my own pressure to get married after being together so long. When I came to that realization was when I felt things started to really crumble.

However, I think the hardest part about the other guy is that I honestly do think that we would be a great fit for each other. He has qualities that I had always really hoped to find in a potential partner, but had never met anyone that had all of those qualities until him (so essentially I settled). What made our relationship unique was that we were different enough to keep things interesting, but shared all of our core values, and had many interests in common. Things we didn't have in common, we were always intrigued to learn about from the other person (constantly introducing each other to new music, movies, food, experiences, etc.). The only thing I don't appreciate is that I honestly felt like he was leading me along for months - and the way he was acting (like my boyfriend), how could he not know how he was coming across? I'm mostly really disappointed that he doesn't feel the same because I really feel that would would be a great match.

I think I can take from this at least that there are other people out there that are an equally great match, and I need to not settle for someone who isn't an ideal match for me.

Thank you everyone for your support.

He may have been considering whether or not he was interested, and having fun along the way. Not that different really to how you were playing it. Except for the end conclusion that he wasn't interested and you were. On the other hand, he really could have just been having a great time being your friend, and hadn't stopped to consider it. Another issue is your relationship began when you were not available, and you have felt so guilty about your ex that you were no doubt giving off a lot of different signals. And probably not the "I'm single and you should really see me as a potential match" signal.

I've been on this end with a girl before - we went dancing, we went to view christmas lights together in the rain as I held our shared umbrella, I mean come on right? But she apparently hadn't really considered it, and for her I wasn't her type.

Your "different but similar" is definitely what I'm looking for, and the right amount of each is honestly hard to find. But that's just how it is - most people aren't a good match, and of those people who are, not all of those good matches either meet at the right time or have the same level of attraction. In this case I think it's a little of both.

At least you are closer to knowing what you really want, which is really really important! It will help you to screen out people like your ex, while also pursuing someone a little more available than guy B. And since you are actually single now, you won't send those mixed messages which get things all confused.