I dont know anymore

Long story short.. My child's father and I have been broken up for 2 years now.. We were together almost 6 years... He got into a hard spot about 6 months ago and asked me to move in I was like okay.. Ever since then I have had this dark cloud residing over me.. I am constantly crying.. Our arguments are toxic when they do occur.. We have sex occasionally where lately after I feel digusting cause I have no emotional invovlement anymore.. I notice I am getting more and more depressed as the months go on... I also have other things in my life affecting but this because it is in my home affects me the most.. I just dont know anymore... I have sacrficed sooo much.. My child loves father which I have would have no other way.. I just dont want to be blamed later on in why it didn't work out or why I wanted him to leave... I am really trying to get myself out of this rut but how when your home should be your escape but it is my own personal hell...

Time to move out.

 

And examine some of the reasons why you moved back in. Moving in with someone who is going through a rough patch in their lives is never a good idea. Especially a former romantic partner. It would be another story if he had improved his life and wanted to reconnect, but in this case it's like he's saying "I'm going through some crap and I want you to wallow in it with me." Screw that nonsense. You can be a friend and be supportive without living with the guy.

Time to move out. You two were broken up to begin with, you aren't under any obligation to "stay" and broken up parents the world over still co-parent. But yes, this is toxic for you and it's affecting your mental health, which will in turn affect your child's happiness as children do sense when parents are not happy.

 

It sounds to me like this guy is wanting a roommate to help with rent, not to improve the relationship or try to really reconnect, and you know this. You are also not happy living under the same roof and added issues are toxic fights around your child.

 

Really it's time to call this one a day. Make plans to move, tell him it's not working for you, you'll be in touch to work out custody and visitation, and then go.

I just dont want to be blamed later on in why it didn't work out or why I wanted him to leave...

OP then you are putting up with this because you want him to validate your stand- to have your rights, emotional responses to your living hell, your personal needs validated by him. if he is toxic and argumentative he will not validate you- probably ever.

 

there is no reason to feel responsible for why it didn't work at this point. there is just the responsibility of coming clean with the fact that it's anything but working for you and the responsibility to not mislead either of you (or the child) that it is a partnership or love, and with the fact that this arrangement is simply miserable for you.

 

besides, you don't even need "big" reasons to loose him (though it sounds like you sure have them). "i simply don't love you/ don't want to be with you anymore" is a perfectly good reason to break up. nevermind that you'll be the beotch who "simply stops caring/self-centered" or whatever else he'll project- just tell him rather than wasting time explaining why he's right you'll not object to being identified as the villain and will humbly "LIBERATE HIM of the bad person that you are". because i don't believe you'll get fairness- and because you don't need to be stuck in the dark cloud for want of anyone's approval or validation of your needs as a partner.

 

if you think that it IS love and you're just going through a hard spot then he should happily agree to couples counseling. from what you said though it sounds like you are the one woman band relationship, while he is the burden/vampire/toxic and in some ways abusive one so i'd be surprised if he had any motivation to change. given that you fear having guilt over breaking up dropped on you like a ton of bricks i'm guessing that "everything is your fault" anyway and despite you having sacrificed so much i could just bet poor him is perpetually hurt over how callous you are. so wish him a "better woman".

 

 

i agree it sounds like help with rent is a factor.

 

do you do all the cooking, cleaning, groceries etc also? it's so super handy to have a cook, a maid, a concubine, an atm, a trashcan, (attention for chronic complaining too?) and a scapegoat.

 

i'm pretty sure you know what predisposes you to think you'll never have done enough, been fair enough, sacrificed enough is an underlying belief of zero self-worth. i don't believe you have reason to feel undeserving, but if you find it helpful you could tell us more and maybe we can help you see yourself more objectively. no truly bad person is self-critical or demands themselves to be of any service to another. the rotten mind can't diagnose itself.

 

i'm kinda hinting that with a couple of sessions with a good counselor you'd have all the confidence and survival instinct you need to leave him to his mess