embarrassed...but still do it

As a grown man (nearly 50), I am embarrassed to admit that I self injure. The anonymity of this forum is the only reason I'm discussing what I do. I've told only one other person (my best friend). My method is to burn myself with an iron or cut with a piece of sharp metal. Most of my scars are on my arms. I tell people that I worked in a restaurant as a kid and burned myself a lot on the broiler. It's weird because no one has ever really called me on it. Maybe they just don't believe that someone my age could be this stupid. I injure myself when I hurt people I care about or when I thin I've done something stupid. I know it sounds very immature but it is a sense of relief to know I'm punishing myself. I tried to show pics but it won't let me post urls.

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You are going through a lot right now with the decisions you are making about your marriage and obviously that is a huge huge stress , so it only stands to reason that that will trigger the self harming . The fact that you are a grown man makes no difference darling and self harm doesn;t contain itself to just the younger generation . Do you think you could get some help with this ? especially as you are having such a dramatic time in your homelife .

I've done it in my 40s and 50s, too. It's down to depression and a sense of helplessness.

Hello meat50,

 

No need to feel embarrassed. Self-harm usually occurs when a person becomes so flooded and overwhelmed with a painful emotion that they seek to limit the experience by distracting themselves through self-harm. (I'm sure you're already aware of this)

 

It usually occurs in people whose emotional reactions were stifled, riduculed or discredited, by a primary caregiver. It other words they were "not allowed" to have painful emotions - or were emotionally punished for having them.

 

There-fore they never learnt how to successfully experience negative emotions - or how to self-soothe. This meant negatives emotions were allowed to build to unbearable proportions, rather that being attended to and healed on an on-going basis.

 

Some have suffered from emotional abuse and in attempt to avoid being flooded with painful emotions, they learnt specific distraction techniques to cope.

 

Self-Harm is a coping mechanism when nothing else is available. It is sometimes comes with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a disorder linked to emotional regulation.

 

However, it is never to late to learn techniques that can help with Distress Tolerance.

 

The main therapeutic tool used to help with emotional disregulation is Dialectical Behavior Therapy link removed The link will take you to a very detailed site about DBT.

 

An immediate tool when dealing with overwhelming feelings of emotional pain, is the R.A.I.N technique.

 

R - Recognize what is happening (label the emotions anger, shame, fear etc)

A - Allow life to be just as it is (accept the emotion is here, rather than suppression)

I - Investigate inner experience with kindness (Why am I feeling like this? What story am I telling myself ie, I am bad)

N - Non-Identification. (I am not my emotions. My emotions are fluid and so I am)

 

It is suppression, avoidance and running that allows emotions to build up to intolerable levels. The more you say "I'm not allowed to have this emotion. I refuse to accept that it is here. I ban this thought." the more they persist. RAIN allows you to face these emotions without judgement- let them have their say - and put yourself back into a position of calmness.

 

It also helps with obsessional painful emotions (such as deep shame, unbareable rage, unshakeable fear, etc) thoughts which go round and round and round - without relief or resolution. It's a way of unhooking the mind from a repeated flashing emotion that is deeply distressing and doesn't help you towards a solution.

 

This is just one of many sites based on the R.A.I.N technique. If you google "R.A.I.N. Technique" you may find others that you would like to practice.

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You may also want to consider counseling to look at why this coping mechanism became such a vital tool for your emotional survival, so this part of you can become "heard" and subsequently healed.

 

Deci

Have you ever considered professional counseling/therapy for this serious issue? I think you would benefit greatly from it.

I have been doing this since I was a teenager. I worked in a restaurant and would burn myself to show off. Then it became a release. Now I rationalize it by telling myself that since no one can hurt me - I'll do it myself. I've never done anything that required hospitalization - it definitely is a release for me. I control how much (deep) I cut and burn. I have considered professional help but of course I keep convincing myself I'm 'alright'. It actually feels weird writing about it - never have.

Thanks for the suggestions for seeking help too.

hey, 42 here and i created an account /c of the op.

 

Dude, I wish I had better news for you.

 

I too have a history of destroying things. Today I have ripped apart a Douay Rheims 1892 bible with Challoner's notes (hint; its a a $80-$120 bible b/c its rare and not printed very often). It was my 10th anniversarry wedding present from my wife. I also threw away a kind of portable prayer meditation sculputre made by a woman who is arugably a Saint in the Catholic church altohugh not officially sainted some have submitted her for consideration. I also ripped up a KJV 1611 printed in the 1960s that belonged to my father (deceased ageas ago). And I also threw away 2 rosarys that were about 180 years old and made of jet glass (a black glass amde from miking coal or ash in with the glass. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever owned. I actually had 2 of them. One I ripped up and scattered accross the bedroom only to find all of teh pieces over the course of 3 weeks.

 

All of this because my wife is mad at me for not having the house clean eough and then that spiralled out of control with her getting really mad and leaving me to 'stew' (its how she punishes me when I make her mad, she knows I'm hurting and apologetic and lets me stew on it for 2-3 days before she'll talk to me and smooth things over).

 

TRuth is dude, at 50, give it up. You will always destroy things. My advice: don't get sentimentally attached to anything. That's what makes it a prime target for the trash can or the shredder or just to be ripped ot pieces. THe very fact that it means something to me make it desireable to destroy when I'm in a rage. I also scratch the /#@...ck/ out of my face when I really lose it as I did today while the wife was telling me all the awful ways i'm a bad husband.

 

Funny thing is... you know how you read about battered wives who say, "its my fault". Well, yea, I get that. I deserve to be chewed out for not keeping the house clean while she is out visiting friends.

 

We have 5 kids and they are teh only reason I haven't taken the .45 out of the closet and made art work on teh walls with my brain tissue. Kids really can glue an otherwise hurtful, shameful marriage together.

Have you ever considered professional counseling/therapy for this serious issue? I think you would benefit greatly from it.

 

It depends on where you live. In many parts of the world professional help has to be paid for and it doesn't come cheap.

It actually feels weird writing about it - never have.

 

Hi Meat,

 

I think it always does feel weird. I've been through a similar experience in therapy and was astonished to find the world did not stop turning and I wasn't rejected in the way I had so rejected myself over the years. That was the biggie!

 

I was really struck by this line;

 

I rationalize it by telling myself that since no one can hurt me - I'll do it myself.

I get a sense of some-one who wants to inoculate themselves from emotion. Self-harm is the talisman to protect you from feeling. Rather like a person holding up a giant cross against a vampire.

 

But where does that leave you? What happens when your pain is so overwhelming, or very extreme. That pain has no voice and there-fore no opportunity for eventual healing. It's like a bicycle tire being continually pumped up, with no release.

 

I think it is important to note, if you choose therapy or to continue on this thread, you won't be pressured into stopping self-harm. The tools that you are currently using will not be unceremoniously wretched out of your hand. They are there for a purpose and thier importance has grown for a reason. It would barmy to address symptoms, with no clue on root causes.

 

The primary aim is understanding. Understanding what you are feeling inside when you reach that point. Understanding what happened in the distant past, childhood, perhaps - when you reached such a point. From that perspective you are then able to heal and develop other tools. You are able to choose which one provides the most helpful relief. You will may well choose self-harm. It is your choice - but then you will be consciously choosing it, rather than forced to choose it due to lack of other options and tools available.

 

And that has got to be an improvement, wouldn't you agree?

 

Deci

Thank you Deciduous. For clarification, I see that my user name looks kind of silly. I wanted it to be 'Me at 50' (not meat). Sometimes when I think about it, I think I just do it for attention - but no one knows that/ why I do it so that may not be the case. This may tie in with my marriage or perhaps as you suggested something that happened in childhood.

One thing I do know that (and this is not a 'woe is me' statement as my wife would say) I do not like myself.

Hi, Me At

 

Thank you Deciduous. For clarification, I see that my user name looks kind of silly. I wanted it to be 'Me at 50' (not meat).

 

Frankly I just assumed that you were heavily into body building and thought no more of it. I'm sure some therapists would have a field day. "He feels treated like a piece of meat, not given the benefit of emotion. He is a piece of meat, numbly going through the motions. He senses he is Dead Meat, dead weight and..." They could have analysed for years with that one.

 

Another interesting line...

 

Sometimes when I think about it, I think I just do it for attention.

 

I think this is somebody else's voice, saying this. Perhaps someone in your past, perhaps current. Some-one who would have responded this way had you told them about the Self-Harm. I think its important to work out who.

 

And what a critical and judgemental voice it is. Think of yourself accross the table from a person describing a painful event in their life. Would you really go "Wow! I just think you're telling me this for attention. I think that event happened to you because you are a self-absorbed attention seeker."

 

You wouldn't dream of being so un-empathetic, so un-compassionate, so un-feeling. So inflexible. So judgemental. Isn't it interesting how we say things in our heads that we wouldn't, in a million years, say to our dear friends or children?

 

Whom ever "they" are, they're a big influence. At some point, you internalized their way of communication. Obviously, this gives you a massive clue of why you self-censure yourself. ("Emotions are for attention-seekers!!")

 

I think is important to begin the process of separating your internal voice from their internal voice. This can be a slow journey. A way of beginning the process is, everytime you become aware of "this" critical and inflexible voice, you say STOP

 

You flag it in your mind.

 

This process can feel very wooden, awkward and fake in the beginning, but with time it does become easier. So, if you have time - it's helpful to say STOP, take a breath and reflect on the message that the voice was responding to. You then get a chance to establish what "your" thoughts are on that particular issue. What "your" feelings, negative and positive, are. You get at the truth.

 

This practice - as painstaking and tedious as it is - allows more of your own thoughts and opinions to come in as the days/weeks go by.

 

I did have a look at your other thread. Obviously you're at a crossroad. I got the feeling that your wife's feelings, emotions, inner-counsel, thoughts and opinions, have taken enormous precedent over your own - up to this point. (Although in truth, she may have been filling in for some-one else, who previously adopted that role in your life) In that thread it becomes clear that you are beginning to listen to your own voice. I'm hoping the STOP technique will help give you mental space, allowing and encouraging that process.

 

Back to what I was saying...Even if "the" person is not currently in your life, you have now become the censurer yourself. They live on in your psyche - and this blocked you from getting to the truth of what you really feel and what you really think.

 

So lets move past that voice. Hypothetically speaking, if you aren't doing it "for attention," what other reasons do you feel might be in play here. Just step back and observe the situation as though you were observing some-one else. What other reasons?

 

One thing I do know that I do not like myself

 

Are there specific parts that you feel are unacceptable - or a general feeling? Usually there are specific parts of oneself, that we do not like.

 

Regarding issues of self-harm, there can be a massive sense of shame, hiding and of not being truly known. This can be a profoundly isolating experience. When we feel parts of us are unacceptable, we lock them away. So, essentially we reject ourselves by refusing to even speak to bits we don't like. This lack of internal compassion does not encourage positive self-regard.

 

I'm assuming that your wife does not know about the Self-Harm and this leads to a further sense of isolation. If this is the case, then you have not discussed it for pertinent reasons - lack of intimacy and trust - and this further sheds light on the situation. It helps you in regards to the choices you are considering on the other thread.

 

Deci

Hi Deci,

For not knowing me at all, you've on some very insightful points. I never gave it much thought as to why I do it - except for now. The STOP technique does seem awkward and wooden as you say. Not sure forum viewers really want the details but when I do it, it's usually preceded by me reflecting on something I've done to someone that I care about or something I may have said or something that was done to me or maybe even out of anger and frustration. I know I'm rambling but it's hard to pinpoint. For example, one day I upset a colleague who has been a tremendous asset to me. There was a misunderstanding and she was hurt by it but also felt awkward saying anything. So I was mad at myself for 1. upsetting her and 2. knowing she felt that she could not discuss it with me. So that night while ironing my clothes (yes, I do that) I was thinking about it, got pissed and held the iron on my arm. I know this sounds silly and self absorbed (another phrase my wife likes to use when referring to me) but it's how I feel. My wife has no idea I do this. I know if she knew, she would go on and on how stupid it is, selfish, yadda, yadda, yadda. To be honest, I don't know how to talk about this - sorry for the rambling and thank you for the help.