Sheryl Paul and relationship anxiety - a real thing?

I've recently ended a 2.5 year relationship with a wonderful girl who was very confused about her feelings for me throughout our relationship. Every situation is unique but I think it's fair to say her difficulty revolved around the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' scenario, which seems to be very common. We went through cycles of her declaring love and wanting to commit and then her freaking out at the level of commitment she asked for. The last few months, when this happened, I would call things off, saying that although I was good on paper, she clearly didn't feel enough for me and was settling just to be in a relationship. She would counter saying she has 'relationship anxiety', which I need to be patient with and try to work with her to get through. Each time I conceded and tried to move forward, this fear would overwhelm her and she would again say and do things to push me away in the worst way.

This idea of relationship anxiety is something I'm still not sure of. My ex got this from Sheryl Paul's website (link removed and she was completely convinced about it. I read through many of the blog entries and comments and read many (mostly) women who were very similar to my girlfriend - cared for their partners but didn't feel that spark and felt fear whenever commitment was on the cards.

I think Dr Paul is doing a great deal of damage in pushing women to stick to relationships with half-hearted feelings in the name of being mature and focusing only on what she thinks is important in a partner - stability, reliability etc. The blog is full of positive yay-I-am-fighting-my-fear comments which initially impressed me. Then I tried to post a comment, asking about the potential pitfalls of staying with someone who was Mr good-enough. The comment was rejected and I realised she picks the comments that make it seem like her work is helping. Despite this, one thing comes through clearly when you read enough of these comments: The same women are 'overcoming' their fear month after month, year after year...essentially in a constant state of fear and so, dependent on Dr Paul's services (which don't come cheap)

What do you all think? Is relationship anxiety a real thing or just a smokescreen hiding the real problem of lack of feelings?

I agree that Sheryl Paul is doing a great deal of damage. I have had the same experience - Don't even try to post a dissenting comment or it is deleted immediately. These poor women aren't even listening to their own gut instincts and she is encouraging to deny their instincts. In my opinion, encouraging it in the name of 'business'. Very unfortunate.

I agree that Sheryl Paul is doing a great deal of damage. I have had the same experience - Don't even try to post a dissenting comment or it is deleted immediately. These poor women aren't even listening to their own gut instincts and she is encouraging to deny their instincts. In my opinion, encouraging it in the name of 'business'. Very unfortunate.

I agree that Sheryl Paul is doing a great deal of damage. I have had the same experience - Don't even try to post a dissenting comment or it is deleted immediately. These poor women aren't even listening to their own gut instincts and she is encouraging to deny their instincts. In my opinion, encouraging it in the name of 'business'. Very unfortunate.

I have no idea who Sheryl Paul is - but you can be anxious about anything. Relationship anxiety... um.. I haven't heard that term but you can be anxious about relationships. It's then a case by case assessment about whether someone is abnormally anxious in relationships (and so a problem they need to work on themselves) or if the relationship is the problem and the feelings aren't there because the two are just not compatible etc.

Hey, there! Hope you're all fine.

Men, allow me to give you some perspective on that "relationship anxiety" issue. For that purpose, I'm going to tell you my story (short version) and then you can wind up your own judgement. I apologize beforehand for any foul language; apparently, that's a coping mechanism for when I expose myself as I am going to do now. I may come as a defender of Sheryl but I tell you, I am not. I'm here, you could say, on behalf of your ex. More to speak from her point of view, which is very well my own, and the one of all those who struggle while in relationships. I clarify, I am a gay man and a medical doctor (a GP to be more exact), and I am not affiliated to Mrs. Paul's. I actually have my own therapist. Though I'm a doctor, the following is not my professional opinion but I hope my medical experience and studies in psychology and psychiatry gives my words some more weight.

So, "relationship anxiety" is a real thing, though the medical term is relationship obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a new thing that's been cataloged recently but it appears Sheryl gave it a different name since she's been working with it for decades. I have read her articles and those are quite compelling; she speaks from her experience and psychological perspective. You should carefully read them too. However, I do feel her work is overly commercialized and I am not fond of that idea of "e-courses." They might work or not; I don't know. I do know, though, that therapy works better face-to-face than thru the pages of some forum. What does it have to do with me? Well, I will tell you about me.

I have known my "difference" (aka, gayness) since as long as I remember. I also somehow knew it was a "bad" and that I had to keep it a secret. Since you are a kid, sometimes, you give away clues of who you really are (e.g., you walk gay, etc.). My dad would pick that up and respond rather aggressively. Actually, he was quite the reprobate. He'd beat up my mom and I could do nothing but look at it, powerless and resentful. He'd treat me badly; he wanted to toss my baby sister under a bus when she cried. Long story short, he ended up being killed. My mom became a distant, stern woman. On top of all that, I was raised in an extremely anti-gay religion. So, I ended up putting up a wall and never showing my feelings. I actually was very aware and frequently told myself never to show my feelings and disregard them since I was 5. I focused on my intellect and isolated myself from the rest of the world. I never had a close friend; no, never, ever. I put myself in a bubble and it was popped to the point of shock during my first year of medical school when I heard my classmates talking about getting a condom (though I admit I was 16 and inexperienced and quite religious. Yes, I was 16 when I entered medical school). "They are having sex! Why?! They only have girlfriends and are so young and one should not do that!" I used to think.

I was ashamed of who I was, specially because I was (and still am) a very horny. And no wonder! You wanna know why gay men are so horny? Well, first, we are guys and males are per se biologically "horny." Put together two of those who know how the other feels and you get some very horny men. Add to that that they never had any social validation for their sexual desires or a healthy outlet for them or a safe, supportive environment to hone and appropriately direct those feelings in the context of a loving relationship. Our sexuality (that is more than sexual attraction but also all our gender identity, romantic Self, etc.) has been stripped down to only a "desire." It becomes only that. Instead of a beautiful lamp that you craft as you grow, you get only fire on your hands. And I didn't know what to do with that but to masturbate and I became addicted to that. I never, ever saw myself "in love" with a man romantically; I only wanted to them. To me that was what relationships were about: someone to whom you feel so horny about you might fight and still want to them. And TV didn't help at all with that view. Then my family found out I was gay and tried to exorcise the "homosexuality demon" out of me. My mother never wanted to remarry (no surprise after years of physical and verbal abuse). My family is plagued with failed relationships. Not even ONE of them has a working marriage.

All that crap let me to develop generalized anxiety disorder over time. And OCD. With all that background and these diagnoses, oneK, you really think I was gonna be suddenly cured by meeting "The One"? My perfect half, who was going to make me complete, forever happy and with whom I was gonna be who my parents never were? That my relationships with some guy I liked were gonna work perfectly? No, pal, it doesn't work that way! I was and still am a mess. I met a guy, he was cute, we hit it off, but he was unavailable. He was addicted to porn and didn't see our relationship seriously. I became anxious about that and I had to leave him. Later to find out he was not a good person after all. I suffered panic attacks for months after we broke up. I couldn't see even a picture of him without getting anxious. Then I met another guy. He was kinda cute, too, but he got a beard and now looks awesome. But before that, he was just a cute guy who had the most amazing personality and I just felt a pull to his way of being since I noticed him. We've together for a year and so now, and he's proven to be the most loyal, sweet, down-to-earth now. But a day hasn't passed where I have had peace since a few weeks after we started dating. Shortly after we met, whatever connection we had was gone. And with no really intense impulse from me to want to him real hard, I thought that wasn't love.

I developed rOCD. I had a panic attack and told him I didn't love him and we needed to break up (see a pattern there?). He was understanding but told me I was under the heavy influence of anxiety and he wanted to give me some days to think it thru. I became really, really anxious. Specially anxious about leaving him. I don't know why. I had been able so far to reject men, handsome or not, if I didn't want (more like "desire") them. But this guy made me both anxious about being in a relationship with a man I felt I didn't love and about leaving him and missing this special person. A few weeks later, for the first time, I felt infatuation feelings for him. But then came down again, I became possessive and judgmental and controlling and obsessed about his past partners (who were jerks, btw). I got out from him every single detail of his past sexual life (which wasn't that much), every gory and unpleasant detail, no matter how much it hurt me or him doing so. Then I got another series of panic attacks, and I couldn't sleep nor eat and I had to leave him but I was anxious about doing it, so I started therapy and came accross many internet articles, including Sheryl's. All that was very reassuring. I was finally feeling the "feelings of love" coming back again and then once more, more . And it's been like that every since. I feel anxious every time I think I don't love him, every time I see another attractive man and I want to him (I am a sex addict even though I have only had "sex" twice in my life. I'm still a really conservative Christian, though I am an affirming one now). Every time I want to leave him but I can't and become anxious. I think I'm settling for "Mr. Good-enough;" that what I really need is some sweet, manly ass to and never get tired of it; that I don't really love him and I just can't go thru another break-up; that I just don't want to break his poor heart; etc. I "want out" but more than anything I "want to love" him.

Bottom line is I don't know what love is. I come from a home where true love was torn apart; I never had a role model of REAL love. I still don't know if I love my boyfriend. I still have doubts. My OCD's favourite object is now my relationship (OCD is also called "the doubting disease"). But something I've seen is there have been a few days of clarity, moments in which I feel peace and I see my BF and he's the most amazing, handsome man on Earth and I feel grateful to God and all the doubting seems so silly. But all the other days have been cloudy days of either indifference or anxiety. My boyfriend knows this and he says I the most loving man on Earth (in spite of all my iness) and that he has faith in us. Is he being wishful or stupid? I don't know. I really don't know anything and that's my problem: I want to know, to control. I need to learn to let go. I need to do my homework.

I don't know if that was the case with your GF or what, but ask yourself: did she really do her homework? Did she work with Sheryl or any other therapist hand-on-hand? Or was she just reading articles and, like me, finding reassurance and then going back to freaking out again? Did she had the kind of background I have or any other kind of bad upbringing? Maybe divorced parents or something? Not to diminish what you went thru or what she was in, but the way you put it, your case was just a case of insecurity and cold feet and fear of commitment. You're entitled to vent all you want (just like I did) but before destroying people's reputations and talking , get informed. Make yourself a good judgement. That's why Sheryl might have deleted your post. She's surely got a lot of clients who, like me, spike at the slightest insinuation they are not really in love with their partners, and your public, negative comment was just gonna create trouble. There are people with real in their past to whom love just doesn't come easy (if at all). They're the abusers, the chronic cheaters, the "leavers," and any other manifestation of wounded egos. They don't seem to suffer anxiety, they live it and create it in others. You didn't want to be with someone like her, that's fine. It might've actually been the best for both of you, who knows. But don't talk of "half-baked feelings" with that attitude. You think love is a feeling? Man, even the most conservative, fire-and-brimstone (and I know about that), anti-psychotherapy Evangelical pastors know it isn't! They constantly rebuke married women and men who say they're not "in love" with their spouses anymore. They say you have to cultivate love like one cultivates one's relationship with God. And also say they're being tricked by Satan into thinking about that. But I don't think it is Satan, I am pretty sure that is HUMAN NATURE. Feelings come and go, you can't found a lasting relationship on only feelings. I felt like crap when you said that word: "half-baked feelings." oneK, when you know someone with all the I have, feelings are the last thing you want to rely on.

Btw, you can bake feelings fully too. One just needs time and patience. And if it is too late, one can either try harder or give up and at least one learnt a lesson in life.

Oh, btw, Circe's was the most sensible answers of all.

oneK: I kind of get your frustration but I believe if you have never been in her situation then there is no place to judge because there is no way you will be able to understand her or walk her personal frustration and path...

I am one who struggles with exactly what she goes through and it gets to a point where it can affect your every day life and happiness because anxiety can become extremely debilitating and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy. She was obviously open to you about it because she needed your support and understanding. When she wasn't put under pressure or introduced to any form of change she could obviously cope and enjoy you...but the moment any form of change or "commitment" was put on her it's enough to set off an anxiety episode. In a non anxious state of mind she knew she loved you and wanted to be with you but the moment anxiety sets in, it can cloud emotions and feelings because of "fear of commitment". Just like people fear needles, planes, snakes etc...this isn't any different but relates to relationships and is actually worse. All people with this relationship anxiety want is a steady relationship and hopefully a family but anxiety gets in the way no matter how much you love a person, the pain is unexplainable. So before judging and thinking Sheryl Paul is trying to force unhappy relationships, try understand the disease anxiety then you can have place to judge. All your girlfriend wanted was your understanding and patience...but she lost you in the process cos you thought this is all a pain in the but and an excuse.

Sheryl Paul has given people hope. She is an amazing person by understanding the illness and helping guide people. She deserves all the credit possible.

I truly hope you can try do a bit of research on anxiety disorder and how certain people get it in certain situations and try get a better understanding of it...

Returned here almost a year later to find your responses and would like to respond.

dnyal:

Thank you for sharing so much of your personal story and congratulations on working things out with your partner. Much of what you is say is true: My ex-girlfriend had a difficult childhood growing up with her parents' broken marriage which eventually ended in divorce. This does have an effect, and I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what that effect is.

mich:

I regret saying that Sheryl Paul is only in it for the money. I think she sincerely wants to help people who were stuck in a similar position as she was. I believe she deleted my comment to protect her clients from their own fears.

However...I still disagree with the fundamental principle of her work. She believes that if your partner is a stable, 'good' person who loves you, even if you are plagued with feelings of doubt of your love for them, you should stay. I see this as a very selfish act as the doubtful partner is soaking up all the ego-benefits of being loved unconditionally while exposing the loving partner to soul-crushing ambivalence. Sheryl wrote a blog entry a while ago, recounting a wonderful day with her husband where she had a break from the anxiety and felt no doubt. This sounds very encouraging but I felt very sorry for her husband. What about all the other days?? They have been married many years with children and she still has anxiety and doubt about him regularly. It must suck to be at the receiving end of that.

I know this thread is old, i know nobody will ever read this.. but im gonna write this in an attempt to further my own healing.

Firstly I'd like to disclaim, i have no intentions in offending you o anybody else. You made your decision, which is a valid one. Being in your ex's shoes, i'd honestly feel a sense of relief knowing you left to look for something better. Im just here because i feel a strong urge to clarify, and to give my side of the story, even if nobody is listening. See the thing is, im at the lowest point of my life. Its crazy i would reach such a low at such a young age. I mean, i haven't even reached my 20's. So, what do i know right?

Well, here's my story anyway. Or specifically, our story.

First thing i'll say is that I grew up in a family who didn't cherish love. For the first 9 years of my life, i was the center of a loveless marriage between a controlling dad and a mentally unstable mother. After the divorce, my father remmaried two months later. My mother hated him. She talked badly about him and all men. She raised me with the belief that all marriages end up in divorce (the internet and tv doesnt help with that), and that all men are pigs. My father was and still is very negligent and manipulative. My therapist tells me I'm living in my parent's wounds. Im living in constant fear of repeting their stories.

Since i have such a ty relationship with my dad, i guess i just dont know how to love or be loved. I dont know.

I met my boyfriend at 14. I was a freshman in highschool and he was a junior. At first, it seemed he had a lot more interest than i did, I didn't really have interest in him at all. My interest eventually peaked after he stopped talking to me, which made me go running back towards him. Since the very beginning of our friendship, i relied a lot on him emotionally. He is the kind of guy who will always help you, regardless of who you might be. I remember telling him about my father and all he did and didn't do to me as a child, i remember telling him about how ed up my stepfather was and i remember telling him about my mother. He listened, and he gave great comfort. Was this the healthiest thing ever? Probably not.

Eventually, we started an official relationship. Maybe a little bit too fast, maybe too quick into our friendship..I've always believed we were destined to fail yet we havent, which says a lot. See, theres this belief that high school sweethearts never last, or maybe shouldn't last. Why? Theres too much in the world to see! Too many people to touch, to many places to go, too many experiences to try. This belief, along with many others, ed up my idea of love, but I'll get into that later.

Now, id love to sit here and write about how our relationship has been peaches and cream, but it hasnt. Not for one second.

For starters, our relationship was mainly complicated because of my recurring OCD spikes, which only lasted a couple weeks at a time. Secondly, i had a huge dependence on pills, which lead to a lot of dangerous moments, one which could've taken my life. I needed these pills to numb myself again, and it worked. Again, probably not the healthiest thing either.

Eventually, after my boyfriend practically begging me, i broke my pills habit.

We coped for a while, and we were doing pretty ing cool. I mean, this guy became my best friend. We did everything together, and we had a pretty good time while at it. I consider him the love of my life. My first, and definitely my last. Does that sound immature? Its the truth, its a vow ive made to myself, but ill also get into that later as well.

My boyfriend and I broke up. Why did we? Im not sure. Was it because of my anxiety? Definitely. Was it his fault? Mine? I dont know. It was a mutual decision. In a way, i wanted it to happen. I had caused so much burden to someone so dear to me that, to be honest, i checked out emotionally. This breakup lasted only a week. We found each other back together exactly a week after. Even after we got back together, i was still checked out emotionally. According to my parents and my therapist i was depressed, according to the internet i needed to leave my relationship, and according to my boyfriend i just needed time. According to myself? I just wanted to sleep.

Him and i are perfect on paper: Same humor, same political and religious views, same values, etc etc etc. We have the same goals as far as our future goes: An ordinary family, in an ordinary three bedroom house, with an ordinary happy marriage. Does the word ordinary sound like a bad thing to you? Most people wish to never settle down, travel the world and live a "free" life. Well not me. Nope. I want what i never had. I want what i might never have. Just a peaceful ordinary (but happy) life with this guy.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work nearly as well as we want it to. Because, instead, here i am today. Stuck. I am stuck in an endless vicious cycle of rumination, of self hatred. Its like im addicted to negative thoughts. When im calm, i feel like something bad is about to happen and i cant figure what. Sheryl Paul taught me to question my thoughts. When my brain tells me i want to leave the relationship, i now ask myself to justify said thought. Almost never i can.

Picture this, you have the job of your dreams, it fulfills your every need and is everything you could ask for. Yet every minute of every day you tell yourself that everything is wrong and that you need to run away. How could you justify that?

On top of all this, I am constantly fed by society that i need to be in a constant pursuit of the perfect relationship, one with the sparks, and the "chemistry". One with no arguments, one with no negativity, one that will cure me. I need to find "The One". I need to experience more or else I'll miss out on life. When i tell the internet that im not sure i love my boyfriend, it tells me to leave the relationship until i find someone who will fulfill me. When i tell the internet that i find my boyfriend irritating at times, it tells me im no longer in love and should leave the relationship.

When i tell the internet im afraid one day i'll hurt him, it tells me that i should give up.

Its like people are disposable, like we should only stay when things are fine, like we shouldnt love people as they are but as to how they can serve a purpose for us. Which is why i say ive had to redefine what love means to me.

According to the world, love isn't flawed, it doesnt hurt and it never doubts. Maybe thats why our society is so full of break ups, divorce, greediness and unhappy people. We are too ambitious.

I mean, i could leave. I could leave my amazing boyfriend and i could be in the so called pursuit of a better relationship. Of the perfect relationship. When that relationship shows flaws, i could leave again. I could keep on leaving until im too old and im tired. I could keep running away from love, from men who love me, from my thoughts, until i watch the man i love marry another woman which is one thought that brings me to tears everytime (but tears mean you feel something, and that makes me happy).

We learn through our own mistakes, but losing my boyfriend isn't one mistake im willing to make. Which is why i read, a lot. I've done my homework. I spend hours a day reading why i feel the way i do and what i need to change. Sheryl Paul has helped enormously. After all, i am not alone, and there is hope.

Now, ive made myself two vows. The first vow is that if my relationship ends due to my anxiety, i will never get into a serious, commited relationship again. My boyfriend is the first and last person i suck into my problems. Its just too unfair.

The second vow, is that i will always try to set my selfishness aside for this man. No matter how much i want to run away, no matter how much i want to yell at him, no matter how much i want to reflect my wounded ego on him.. I wont.

I just want him to be happy.

Now, i ask you, what is your definition of love?

Is love a tangible feeling, one always accompanied by intensity? By that definition, i dont know how to love.

In reality, real love isnt a feeling. And it is definitely a whole lot harder than leaving. Leaving is the coward move.

You said you pity the person on the recieving end. You said you pity my boyfriend...and to be fair, sometimes i do. I feel guilty for my thoughts, for my constant panic, i feel guilt because i know he deserves better. Accepting i can't choose for him is hard, but its the right thing to do. We all choose our pain. He chose his and i chose mine.

However, why do YOU pity him? Is it because he is more sure than i am? Well, I'll tell you this:

My love isnt a feeling. My love is a decision. Every day i try my hardest to be what he deserves. Even if it hurts. Every day i read books, read blogs, i educate myself so i can be better. Every day i choose to love, even if sometimes it feels like i dont.

Every day i am drowning in pain, in guilt, in anxiety..

It is hard to talk to him, to text him, to say the words "i love you"...but he's happy. That matters more than anything.

So maybe loving somebody like me and your ex isnt convenient. Its your choice. Just dont ever make anybody like us feel like we are inadequate, because we truly are trying.

As for your ex..she will never find someone she is truly "sure" of. I can promise you that. My best wishes for you brother, i hope you found love again.