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Thread: I've been catching my boyfriend look at transvestites, What could this mean?

  1. #11
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    My previous advice for the OP works for you too!

    You are in the same boat, except in an even tougher spot. That text is proof that he is already having sex outside of the relationship (ie, cheating). Plus, you have two kids. That makes a break up even more complicated. (Are they his kids too? Could not infer from your wording.)

    To address your question of whether he is using you as a front, he most certainly is. Though not necessarily in the way you perceive. With you, he is seen by the outside world as a "typical family man". Not as a guy who does anonymous sex hook ups from CL. Not as a drug user having orgies (that's exactly what that post referencing blow is about!). Having a family conveniently allows him to hide his demons, as it's social gold. THAT is how he is using you, whether he is gay, bi, or straight -- he is presenting one image whilst not living up to that in private.

    His hooking up for anonymous sex is high risk behavior for your health. You should get tested immediately and stop having sex with him.

    If you stay with this man, do it with your eyes wide open. Don't indulge the fantasy of how it "was" or how you'd "like it to be". See what you have TODAY, and decide whether you can live with this arrangement.

  2. #12
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    Aquarine, I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you have probably already heard what you need to hear but anyway, let me add. An awful lot of men are attracted to the way transwomen look. Why wouldn't they be? Many transwomen are very beautiful. For nearly all of these men it's just a fantasy, and if you'd just found some trans porn in amongst his other stuff, I'd say mehhh, probably nothing.

    But that is not the case here. Your man is actively hooking up with other women (it doesn't matter at this stage whether they are trans or cis, like you.) Unless you have an explicit agreement that other engagements are okay, it's a gross breach of trust.

    But it gets worse. I have researched this for over ten years and I would say that well over half of the men who actually make contact with a transwoman for sex, are both 100% gay and 100% in denial. Not bisexual, but 100% submissively gay. There's nothing wrong at all with being gay, what is disturbing is the lengths these men will go to, in order to deny the truth about themselves, to themselves and others. They are living a lie and it will corrupt them. Whether it's down to social conditioning or peer pressure or whatever is irrelevant, they will become unable to support any serious relationship with any woman. By definition they are dishonest and they become compulsive liars.

    The dead giveaway is the language--'top', 'bottom', 'versatile' and so on. This is straight out of the gay male lexicon (where, of course, it's quite appropriate.) As you know, straight people usually don't even understand what the terms mean! If there is one line in his conversation that confirms he is seeking to be 'topped' (sodomised) then the game, as they say, is over. (I think I should tell you that I had a long and successful marriage which just ran out of steam, and then had relationships with other cis-women, which were lovely, before meeting and falling in love with my girlfriend, who is herself trans. We have never, not once, in over a year, used the words 'top' or 'bottom'. Why? Because our relationship is completely conventional; she's a woman and I am a man. She completely agrees with what I am telling you.)

    The men we are talking about here are not looking for deep attachment to another human; they're not interested in anyone else. What is important for them is to realise their dream of being a passive sexual recipient and denying that this compromises their 'straight' self-image.

    I really sympathise with you. These men--often called 'chasers' are catastrophically destructive to the people around them. They absolutely objectify their sexual partners, who become either vaginas with pretty faces, or penises with pretty faces. That simple. You might challenge him and insist that he makes a decision to commit to you and sticks to it, and gives you free access to all his private communications so you can check; but my experience of these men suggests that he will lie and sneak behind your back. He simply is not a heterosexual man and he is only using you as a cover.

    Your only sensible course of action is to dump him, now, before the hurt gets even greater.

    PS I read your OP to mean that your children are from a previous relationship. If this is not the case, and he is their father, then you really are in a corner. Get help. If I am right and he is not, then I am afraid you fit a profile that these men are attracted to; you are vulnerable enough to be manipulated, and at the same time the perfect cover. He's using you.

    BTW his activities in bed with you are irrelevant; men are far better at projecting than women. He's probably fantasising that what he is doing to you, someone else is doing to him.
    Last edited by MacShreach; 09-26-2013 at 05:04 AM. Reason: PS

  3. 04-26-2015, 08:51 PM
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  4. #13

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    Hey, I know that it has been years since you have posted this and you might not get this notification, but I am in a very similar situation and really need someone to talk to about this. Can you please tell me how it ended for you?

  5. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lougirl
    Hey, I know that it has been years since you have posted this and you might not get this notification, but I am in a very similar situation and really need someone to talk to about this. Can you please tell me how it ended for you?
    Hi im in same position i just recently found messages on several transgender dating sites my boyfriend had signed up to and emails for these sites dating back to before we got together. I confronted him and he said it was something he couldnt control and had these thoughts since his teens weve spoke and weve decided to stay together and try work through it. Its hard as i dont trust him at all anymore but hopefuly in time i will start to trust him again

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  7. #15
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    The reality here is that this is very common among straight men to have this interest. Lots of straight men on here will disagree with me but the fact is, it is so common that, fact....attractive transgender women on dating websites get between 3-400% more messages than attractive genetic women (source American study, I can find link if required) I know this because I have a couple of 'tgirls' in my circle of friends. I need not tell you, all these men are as straight as they come. So as long as these transvestites are feminine looking/acting etc, the concern is not with his sexuality, for if he is attracted to femininity then he is heterosexual. The concern here is the level of fetish mind that he has, 'fetishizes' women. The fact that you said you're sex life is excellent? Suggests that he has a high level fetish mind, he probably watches alot of porn or has done in his past, probably a wide variety and also this is probably how he got interested in tgirls, through stumbling across tgirl porn videos online etc.
    So let's get to how you solve this...firstly, this is not healthy and can be disruptive and damaging to your emotional relationship with him. You should speak to him about it, if you really love him and want this to work, you must be brave and confront him. However, instead of confronting him about his sexuality, acknowledge he is still very much straight, acknowledge it is pretty normal and plenty of your friends husbands and bf's have probably dabbled online too. Simply try and fulfill his 'fetishes' in the bedroom and broaden your sexual horizons as a couple. Now this does not mean, putting on a strap-on and pretending you have a for him to suck on...it goes deeper than that. Most straight guys who fancy tgirls, firstly will only fancy them sexually (no desire to be with them in any other capacity) but secondly and more importantly, are into fetishes whereby tgirls can represent better than genetic girls, fetishes such as domination as the symbolic meaning of a woman with a penis is one of power. Ask him if he wants to explore any fetish themes with you in the bedroom to fulfill his curiosities. Then on top of this, tell him your own fetishes! Make them dark and wild as this will clearly excite him, but it will do more than just that, it will DISTRACT him from his own fetishes as being the kind of guy he is, knowing that you are a bit dark and naughty aswell, will play to his desires and he will be attracted to you on more levels than just sexually! He already is anyway...as he is with you!
    So in summary, you and you alone stand the best chance of distracting him and fulfilling his desires and solving this problem. Either go with that approach, be patient and keep working at it together, or if it really bothers you, break up with him. But I will tell you now, more straight guys out there are interested in tgirls than you may think....

  8. #16
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    Originally Posted by Nikkijade
    Hi im in same position i just recently found messages on several transgender dating sites my boyfriend had signed up to and emails for these sites dating back to before we got together. I confronted him and he said it was something he couldnt control and had these thoughts since his teens weve spoke and weve decided to stay together and try work through it. Its hard as i dont trust him at all anymore but hopefuly in time i will start to trust him again
    Probably just like he said. Its just a weird fascination with something he will never actually act upon. Hes been looking at it since high schl, and its just a weird obsession. Lots of people have weird obsessions. That is just human nature. If you hadnt been snooping and cought him it never would ahve affected your relationship

  9. #17
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    Originally Posted by trojan
    Probably just like he said. Its just a weird fascination with something he will never actually act upon. Hes been looking at it since high schl, and its just a weird obsession. Lots of people have weird obsessions. That is just human nature. If you hadnt been snooping and cought him it never would ahve affected your relationship
    That is a good point plus to me the cheating would only have been if there had been a physical interaction and he had met up. For the moment I would chalk it up to being a fantasy which he likes

  10. #18

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    I'd always considered myself straight and loved females from the time I was in grade 1. Never went through the 'girls are gross stage' that my friends experienced and desperately wanted a girlfriend but never had one til I was 16.
    Fast forward many years and caught an episode of Phil Donahue that featured women who were genetically male and became fascinated with this new concept I'd never once thought about. I eventually took the leap and had an encounter with a gurl and loved it. She was in all appearances and mannerisms female but had that one extra trait which didn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I loved the attention I paid to it and so did she. A bisexual female friend years ago found out and was absolutely supportive and wanted to be involved if she could. Said she'd be getting the best of both worlds same as I. Sadly, we never got to.
    Incidentally, although this lady friend considered herself fully and happily bisexual, she had zero desire to have a romantic relationship with a woman. In her words, 'I don't date women, I just love f***ing them'
    Fast forward again, I'm married to a lovely sexy but conservative woman who considers anything but straight just wrong so there's no discussion whatsoever on this subject between us.
    If I was to ever find myself single, I know I could easily date a pre op transwoman. I'm not attracted to masculinity at all but do find some feminine men attractive.
    Some men are extremely confused by these feelings they've discovered as was I. Was I gay? Not in my view because I still loved women. I just accepted it and embraced it. Labels are a waste of time anyway.
    Sorry for the long winded post, but perhaps something in it might of use to the ladies who don't understand the man to tgirl attraction.

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