"Closure" E-mail to the Ex - More Harm than Good?

It's been three weeks since the break-up (two years together) and there has been no contact in either direction. Every day a little more intense self-examination and self-realization that neither of us were ready for the relationship we tried to have together. She a care-free, fun-loving, career/friends/family oriented woman and me a self-loathing, depressed and miserable so-and-so with (until recently) no real drive or motivation to improve myself or produce anything.

I've rehearsed, recounted and agonized every facet of the relationship from the moment we met to the last words spoken to each other, and have come to the inescapable conclusion that there's no way I'm suited for any kind of serious relationship until looking in the mirror doesn't induce vomiting. Regardless of how well I treated her, regardless of how much I loved her or would jump in front of a speeding train for her, it's meaningless to give your life to someone when that life is worthless.

So for my own peace of mind, I'm seriously contemplating writing her to explain her that I understand why she left me. That I don't blame her (as if she cares anymore) and how much I want her to be happy and live a wonderful, fulfilling and adventurous life, free of this anchor that weighed her down to much when we were together. The trick is to be less self-effacing and more enlightened and my tendency for self-hating melodrama is extremely high. Maybe I should wait until I'm more at peace with myself and have actually made improvements in my life before I write it. Any thoughts are welcome and appreciated, as always.

good thoughts in this thread

i think its far too soon, have a read and a good hard think

good thoughts in this thread

 

i think its far too soon, have a read and a good hard think

You're probably right. I have to be honest with myself and beware of the risk of subconsciously trying to get a specific kind of response from her, which will be painfully obvious immediately if present in the letter in any way. Part of the reason I want to write it is so I can show her I'm not blind to what happened. That I have clarity now and how truly sorry I am that I let it go for so long without working on anything. For spending so much time doing nothing, just coasting along, taking for granted my belief that she wouldn't leave and how utterly ridiculous and stupid that was. Call it atonement, masochism, personal punishment, I don't know. But the urge to do this is very strong and I'm not sure how to handle it.

I'm sure you're much more than how you described yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work and I'm sure there are things she could have done differently too. Try not to beat yourself up for being depressed or self-effacing because it makes it worse.