No Contact, Logic V.S. Fear...Psychology

I want to start off by giving Superdave71, Love4Life, Zorba and many others props for the inspirational things that have made a difference to me and many others on here.

Let’s dive in and tackle the Fear part of NO CONTACT.

Many people right after a BU after trying so hard to get their loved ones back contemplate this, however many do not. Will this work? Is the big question, will backing off totally from the person I love really bring them back? Yes you are hurting, you are in a tremendous amount of pain because the person you invested your feelings in has just rejected you.

Many feel that if they NOW show that person that they truly care and will suffer through it all, that will make a difference. If they constantly show the love and affection that was not there while the relationship was in effect, that the OP would finally see things would be now different. If I constantly tell my other half that is missing the same point over and over again, this time they will finally listen.

Understandable, but with all you have done is anything better?

Psychology wise part one:

Let’s examine everything that staying in contact really does. See the person that just crushed you has already been though the BU in their own mind, they have already made a mental list of what they gain and what they will lose if you are no longer around. You may have in a way sensed it because you might have noticed that they have started pulling away before the BU.

Then bamn, you get what you don't want to hear.

Now think for a moment of the person you were while you and your significant other first became attracted to each other, and now ask yourself are you still that same person? Clearly the answer is no, because people become dependent emotionally on each other, and they reshape the life they have with the person they are with. Somewhere something went wrong, and as humans we want to fix what is broken.

So many of us go into Panic Mode, we cry, we beg, we try to reason. As you may have noticed all this does is emotionally push the person away, you cannot change a decision this way by looking pathetic and sad. Also if you try too hard, with this mentallity you will fail, keep in mind you are only confirming the decision to not being with you because you are not only less attractive, but now a hindrance to the person you care about.

The more you try to win them back with sorrow is the more time you will have to fix it if you even can at that point. Ever hear the expression the more you hold on and grab so tightly the more it slips through your fingers? It is really true.

The truth about NO CONTACT

and not many people want to hear this because there is too much pain going on when things are fresh.

Look, No Contact is really the way to go after a break up and especially when it is fresh. NOT because you want your EX back, but because it WILL center you, again look back on who YOU were when you first met your significant other, don't you want to be that person again? Weren't you confident? Attractive? And had your world on your shoulders. Let’s take a step back before you can really move forward. Screw what anyone says, this IS the best way to go on both ends.

If you really want to know what no contact does to your ex, I will tell you later in this thread. But for this one moment lets think about you, and yes it is hard to do that right now.

No Contact FOR YOU means, you cannot screw up anymore than you already have. It Will SUCK for 2-3 weeks I know but once you can really and truly push past that marker you WILL feel better about yourself, you will start to accept that you can be you again and see for yourself that you are what matters. Let go and you cannot do that until you put your foot down with yourself. You are the person that someone loves shouldn't that person be you?

You CAN NOT achieve this until you get yourself back. Once you feel good about yourself is the only time YOU can change your life. Really with everything you have in you think about YOU! Distract yourself, get a new hobby or interest, force yourself to better yourself, remember your real friends. If you do not do anything but wait for your ex you ARE a lost cause, be strong and realize you are the center of yourself and you can make things better.

The reverse effect of NO CONTACT

yeah yeah this is what most want to hear.

Think to yourself everything that your significant other is doing to YOU. Pulling away right?

Why not do the same? Isn’t that driving you crazy?

The confusing part is when you do, you will see that THEY will try and pull you closer. Time is not your enemy in this, it may seem like it but the reality of the situation is if used right time is on your side IF you do it right.

Do not think for a minute if you actually had something of real value that your ex will not think of you, especially if you disappear. Think about the logic of it and flip it upside down on them, granted I know the value of what you had is in question and you want to fight for it. DONT! They will do all the fighting within themselves IF they valued the relationship or you as a person.

As I said earlier, NC will give you no chances to screw anything up, but really place value on you, and if you really back away it WILL show them that you respect them and their needs no matter how crazy that may sound. NC WILL force them to miss you if you do the greatest disappearing act known to man, as in no FB posts, NO venting to mutual friends, No anything. They WILL wonder about what you are doing, they WILL miss you. Trust me I have been thought this many times, and depending on what you do it will drive them back to you. Because they will once again value you, and you need to play your cards right IF YOU WANT THEM BACK AT THAT POINT, because this time in finding yourself will also force YOU to see if this person was indeed right for you because you gave yourself time to really see what this person did to you.

When you truly let go and see YOU have other options you really may not even want this person that says they love you back. Keep in mind they hurt you, And IF they do after a series of push and pull want you back, make them work for it. Trust me this will happen for you, stop thinking of ways to get your ex back, more importantly think of ways to get YOU back.

I do have a post on here detailing how I got my ex back, and it really didn’t take long to do, many people are simply too scared to let go and that will drive their ex further away.

There are 6 billion people on this earth, and look at what you are going through. Change your thought process for even just a minute, and say to yourself, hell now its 6 billion minus one that might make you happy.

Good luck all I hope this hit a chord in some.

One of the best posts I have read in a while. Thank you for that.

Seems way to complicated to me. The core is that the fact that someone has rejected you and that single fact alone should be enough for you to no longer have any desire for them ever again. Why should you waste your time with someone who had you but decided they didn't want to continue that?

It's not that cut and dry. "Rejection" can be based on circumstances or misunderstandings, bad timing or the need for serious personal growth. Sometimes, when someone wants a break, it's not all about YOU but about getting the time and space to differentiate issues and figure out what's what.

It's not that cut and dry. "Rejection" can be based on circumstances or misunderstandings, bad timing or the need for serious personal growth. Sometimes, when someone wants a break, it's not all about YOU but about getting the time and space to differentiate issues and figure out what's what.

Well, if you want to spend your time waiting on someone else to get their head right, go for it, but personally I think that's a fools game.

I don't think you should "wait" for anyone. With time, your feelings might change or transform. Forgiveness, acceptance, and the willingness to start anew on both sides is necessary, doesn't always happen though. I think it's best to get on with your life and if the possibility of reconciliation comes up, you decide what you want then without prematurely calling it off. The idea of "screw them, they rejected me" is an ego-driven kneejerk response. Exes have come back to me after dumping me and I've said both yes and no. I think it really depends on circumstances and what feels right.

Bingo and that wins the argument hands down. Well said magic forest. It is purely down to the circumstances! If my ex cheated on me I wouldn't want them back, if she was honest in the relationship and true to me then it might be another story. This is what I'm doing now, focusing on myself. I'm picking my guitar up again to get back all the time I lost on it, I am shopping for me for once, new clothes a new start. I lost myself in the relationship too and no contact will help me centre myself. If and that's a big IF she comes back pleading for another chance and realising her mistake then I might reconsider. Don't get me wrong, I'm dead inside atm but when the time comes, the results of nc will help me make the choice

Great post. I've done this and my ex came back but begs only for friendship and nothing more. He acts like the way someone would who is wanting to reconcile but yet he just want his best friend back- thoughts?

Is that acceptable to you? Just friendship only?

Is that acceptable to you? Just friendship only?

It's better than nothing but I want more. I don't know if staying friends decreases my chances

If you really want the whole relationship, including the romantic and sexual aspects, I think just a friendship is actually not better than nothing. It's worse than nothing, because you will always want more than just a friendship, and you won't get it, so you'll always be disappointed or even hurt. So in that sense it's not better than nothing. At least with nothing, you won't have that constant "always want more" suffering. Because you won't have any expectations for it, because there's no relationship of any kind.

The question you should ask yourself is CAN you be just friends, I know from my experiences usually one person always wants more. Being friends while it may seem like a good idea is typically destructive more than it can appear at first glance. It's the "dumpers" way of holding on to what they had to fullfill the emotional void that is now present with in them while they (sometimes not always) try to find what they think they "need" from another person. As I stated you are in torment because this person has pulled away from you, what do you believe will happen if you do the same? Also, and again if you do nothing you can not cause anymore damage, I call it starving them even though you are the one who is starved. Even with a "rebound" situation it is best to completely cut off all ties. IMO being friends is never healthy UNTIL both parties have had enough time to heal from the BU, And i dont mean 1-4 weeks, to truly be actual friends many months will need to go by or even longer.