Do people really change or are there red flags for me to get out?

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 27.

I've been seeing him for almost six months now. Usually things are fine, but sometimes if I'm feeling really insecure, things get really emotional and I'm unsure of how to react/take things.

Going into the relationship, right off the bat, my boyfriend told me that he used to be quite a * * * * * in college. This was obviously an immediate turn-off, but he seemed like a really nice guy so I told myself that I would accept that. He told me that things have changed and he doesn't do anything like it anymore.

There have been multiple times where I would lash out against him because of this due to my insecurity. It's really not a good thing for me to do, but a lot of the time I can't control myself.

I've tried living with this and probably around once a month now I reach this point where I just hate that he has such a past (now, not just "some" past. He's told me he would get together with guys, some 5 times in one day) and can't help but put our relationship in question.

There have been no signs that he has been cheating on me or anything, and he's even given me a key to his place, despite the fact that we already see eachother most if not all the time outside of work.

How can I just put his past behind me and just live with how he is now? Is his past actions of being a * * * * a way to indicate that his actions could replicate?e Ughh.

my boyfriend told me that he used to be quite a * * * * * in college

Could you explain what the censored word was, without any offensive language? I can't really tell what the problem is. I don't know "what" your boyfriend was in college.

oh, woops. let's just say he had his fair share of hookups.

Well, I don't really see why that would upset you. Could you elaborate? Has he done anything to make you believe that those behaviors will repeat?

It sounds like you're judging him based on past mistakes, which is not fair to him at all. A lot of people act that way in college.

I think for the most part, people's past sexual behaviors DO NOT predict future behaviors...especially when they're open and honest about it. I also think it's important to be able to get over insecurities like that or the relationship won't work. You can't say "his past is his past" and then hold it over his head every chance you get. It's not fair to him, who is a person you LIKE as a result of his experiences...and it's not fair to yourself to keep torturing yourself with something that's already happened, is not going to change and you have no control over. It's the perfect example of a waste of energy.

If you don't think you can let it go, then find a partner with a more tame past.

That's what I try and keep reinforcing within my thought process but it isn't working He hasn't done anything to make me think he's cheating on me, he treats me extremely well.

I've even gone as far as reading his e-mails (which I told him, he was upset but forgave me) and in the sent messages I noticed that there were craigslists hookups from a month or so before we met. Again, it wasn't while we started seeing eachother, but sometimes I feel so low that all I want to do is read the e-mails and then make myself resent him. I know, it's really messed up of me and I don't deserve to be with him. I am thinking that I'm going to try and see my psychologist again, because it's not fair of me to put him through this crap.

That's what I try and keep reinforcing within my thought process but it isn't working He hasn't done anything to make me think he's cheating on me, he treats me extremely well.

 

I've even gone as far as reading his e-mails (which I told him, he was upset but forgave me) and in the sent messages I noticed that there were craigslists hookups from a month or so before we met. Again, it wasn't while we started seeing eachother, but sometimes I feel so low that all I want to do is read the e-mails and then make myself resent him. I know, it's really messed up of me and I don't deserve to be with him. I am thinking that I'm going to try and see my psychologist again, because it's not fair of me to put him through this crap.

I think you realize that the issue lies with you, not him. There's something going on in your head that's not letting you forget about the things he did before you met. This is a textbook example of "trust issues".

I do agree that seeing your psychologist is a very good idea, but have you had an honest conversation with him about this?

all I want to do is read the e-mails and then make myself resent him.

Forget about his past....THIS is a red flag. You're not being fair to him at all and are even LOOKING for reasons to think poorly of him while feeding your insecurities. Not healthy and again, very unfair to him.

I have brought it up quite a bit, and he is always very consoling and validates that there is nobody else. He says that he hopes one day that I'll fully trust him, but until then, he's going to try and prove it. Which makes me feel even more like crap.

I should mention that my last boyfriend did cheat on me, and I was pretty tore up about it for a while. My trust issues might have spored from there..

You're right, I do realize that I am the problem. I'm just trying to find some support on how I can cope with this.. I don't want to lose him, but it takes over my thinking a lot.

I have brought it up quite a bit, and he is always very consoling and validates that there is nobody else. He says that he hopes one day that I'll fully trust him, but until then, he's going to try and prove it. Which makes me feel even more like crap.

 

I should mention that my last boyfriend did cheat on me, and I was pretty tore up about it for a while. My trust issues might have spored from there..

To be totally honest, I think he's going to get sick of this after a while. It's only been six months, so it's still fresh and wonderful enough for him to want to "prove" it to you. But he SHOULD NOT HAVE TO. He will realize that sooner or later, and you will be in a very bad spot.

That said, if you want to keep this guy, you have to stop this thought/behavior pattern. Go to your psychologist, talk to friends, even go to couples' counseling if you need to. You have to fix this if you ever want to have a successful relationship with anyone.

From what I can gether he treats you very well in this relationship.

You CHOOSE to let this upset you, you are choosing to feel insecure about this, and choosing to let it affect your relationship. If you want him to leave you...you are heading down the right path. Should you be held accountable for the things in your past that other people in the future might not like? I mean really..you need to either accept it and get over it, or break up, and move on. Either way you need to stop. He shouldn't have to apologize for his choices before he met you.

Thanks guys, that really puts it into perspective.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can just kind of cancel out the thoughts when they do happen, though?

Thanks guys, that really puts it into perspective.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can just kind of cancel out the thoughts when they do happen, though?

Google "thought-stopping". It takes a lot of practice, but it will help.

Definitely talk to your psychologist.

...and stop checking his emails....it feeds your insecurities and violates his trust!!

Thanks, I'll look into it.

Thanks everybody, it's good to talk to somebody and not be full frontal criticized about it. I know I have a problem and I want to fix it.

I think for the most part, people's past sexual behaviors DO NOT predict future behaviors...especially when they're open and honest about it. I also think it's important to be able to get over insecurities like that or the relationship won't work. You can't say "his past is his past" and then hold it over his head every chance you get. It's not fair to him, who is a person you LIKE as a result of his experiences...and it's not fair to yourself to keep torturing yourself with something that's already happened, is not going to change and you have no control over. It's the perfect example of a waste of energy.

If you don't think you can let it go, then find a partner with a more tame past.

I disagree with this. There are plenty of cases where a person's past sexual behaviours do indeed predict future behaviours. Some people may change and others may not. Plenty of people who do hookups when single, remain faithful in a relationship, go back to doing casual hookups once out of a relationship again. Also his sexually wild past did NOT make him the person she likes today. She likes him for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with his sexual past. Someone's sexual past has nothing to do with whether or not they are a kind person, a nasty person, caring or not caring, a control freak or easy going etc. Sex is sex and it is not a character building endeavour. It is other life experiences that make you who you are...how you grew up, what you chose to do with your life etc. Having orgasms with a hundred women and doing it while swinging from a chandelier does not build a person's character and make them who they are today. In fact, promiscuity is often as a result of what their character is...the character comes first then the promiscuity.

Cheaters are just as likely to be someone with a tame past as someone with a raunchy past. What you need to decide is whether or not his sexual values conflict with yours, not whether or not he will cheat based on his sexual past.

I didn't really mean it the way you read it but I'm not going to rebuttal.

I don't think what people did in college predict their future "for the most part".

Uhm, I haven't read all of the first thread you posted ~ but is Jason well and truly out of the picture now?

Uhm, I haven't read all of the first thread you posted ~ but is Jason well and truly out of the picture now?

Whoa .... is there another guy???

Whoa .... is there another guy???

If it's the same boyfriend I think he's posting about, then yes, the boyfriend was involved with another guy. I'm just hoping that's all over now. But it also explains the OP's uneasiness with this guy ~ it's definitely not unfounded.

OP, is that true?? That would have been something to mention...

I don't see how the answers everyone is giving would be different whether it is guys or girls.

No, that was the first relationship that I said made me insecure. He cheated on me. I think that's where some of this might be stemming from..

Speaking of behavior...

Ex-boyfriends behaviors don't predict the behaviors of present or future boyfriends.