Do people really change or are there red flags for me to get out?

[jazzykat]

Sorry Cr0ss, I just read all of your posts and realised it was the other boyfriend, not this one.

[jazzykat]

I don't see how the answers everyone is giving would be different whether it is guys or girls.

 

It wasn't girls or guys.. it was a different boyfriend that I was confused with -not the boyfriend the OP is involved with now..

[jazzykat]

No, that was the first relationship that I said made me insecure. He cheated on me. I think that's where some of this might be stemming from..

 

It sounds like you're right there, and I'm sorry you went through all of that with the previous boyfriend. Do you think you're definitley over all that he did to you? As in, ready to start dating again? Maybe you could slow things down with this boyfriend, while you work on your self?

[Mauxly]

I might get crucified for this but how about a different perspective here...

Dating someone with a sex addiction is a dangerous proposition even if they've sought treatment. His past behavior: multiple hook ups in one day, not gender specific, over the internet, sounds sketchy to me too.

 

Do you have codependent tendencies? I've learned recently that the problem with those of us with codependent issues is that we DON'T trust our guts. We downplay how we feel or how something affects us in order to stay in relationships.

 

I don't want to add to your unease, and especially I don't want to justify bad behavior on your part: raking him over the coals, violating his privacy. But there is another side to this.

 

 

***edit: Not sure if OP is male or female. It only matters slightly if the boyfriend identifies as straight, but engages in casual gay sex. This adds weight to the sex addict argument. If the OP is male, then that argument is diminished slightly. The open sex addicts.that I know state that gender and gender identification was largely irrelevant when they were active in the addiction.

[xcr0ssmyheartx]

Not sure if this is clear, but we're both gay males.

 

I usually tend to trust my gut, but in relationships it seems to fade out, not sure why.

 

I've made sure that both of us were tested before anything sexual happened, which is responsible I guess. The tests came back clean.

 

Another weird thing is that he doesn't really want to have sex all the time, which frazzles me. I mean, he makes it a point that he was like this in the past but we're still only having sex once a week, if that.

 

/confused/

[Mauxly]

Not sure if this is clear, but we're both gay males.

 

I usually tend to trust my gut, but in relationships it seems to fade out, not sure why.

 

I've made sure that both of us were tested before anything sexual happened, which is responsible I guess. The tests came back clean.

 

Another weird thing is that he doesn't really want to have sex all the time, which frazzles me. I mean, he makes it a point that he was like this in the past but we're still only having sex once a week, if that.

 

/confused/

 

Well that blows my theory out of the water. Yeah, you are going to have to get a handle in the trust issues. I get where you are coming from. My ex cheated on me and did a number on my ability to trust men. So no judgements here, but you have to deal with this as your problem.

Maybe his diminished sex drive has impacted your self esteem and exaserbates your insecurities with him?

 

Sex does slow down in love relationships sometimes. It probably isn't about you. Talk to him about this.

[Candescence]

So....if...5 years ago...I go out and have some sex.... while not in a relationship, and I have fun experimenting with my sexuality...5 years later someone might think I have a sex addiction?

 

I stole a quarter when I was 6, from my friend's house. Does that make me a thief now? You need to be very careful with slippery slope "logic"

[Mauxly]

So....if...5 years ago...I go out and have some sex.... while not in a relationship, and I have fun experimenting with my sexuality...5 years later someone might think I have a sex addiction?

 

I stole a quarter when I was 6, from my friend's house. Does that make me a thief now? You need to be very careful with slippery slope "logic"

 

Actually not at all. Just like someone who tried cocaine probably isn't a coke fiend. I'm talking extremes here. People who recently (op stated he found sketchy emails from mere months prior to the relationship) embark on extreme sexual behavior, internet sexcapades, multiple in one day.

 

I've been with women, I've had sex outside of a relationship. I'm no where near a sex addict. But I know a few, and I'm not talking about some dude who got caught cheating so identifies as justification. I'm talking about folks with real issues that they are working on.

 

There is a huge difference between a pot smoker and a smack fiend. I wasn't going there.

[Candescence]

Actually not at all. Just like someone who tried cocaine probably isn't a coke fiend. I'm talking extremes here. People who recently (op stated he found sketchy emails from mere months prior to the relationship) embark on extreme sexual behavior, internet sexcapades, multiple in one day.

 

Your original post went right into sex addiction. You didn't mention an extreme view until this post. Having a lot of sex, or sleeping with a lot of people isn't a sex addiction. He slept with a lot of people before they met. Maybe even met some off the internet. Maybe wrote an email...BEFORE they ever met. This man is apparently faithful to the OP, treats him well, etc etc. There was no indication of extreme behavior, so there was no reason to think of an extreme reason for the behavior.

 

________

The point is, this behavior is a choice. If your past bf cheated on you, that is no way a predictor for the current one. If someone is single and goes through the football team, you can accept it and deal, or don't and leave. You cannot blame people for choices they made before you were ever around, its completely ridiculous, ESPECIALLY when they have given you absolutely no indication that said behavior is happening now. Now, you can choose to hold onto it and be miserable, or you can choose to get over the concept and enjoy your relationship.

[pl3asehelp]

I think for the most part, people's past sexual behaviors DO NOT predict future behaviors..

 

The only time I can see this ever being true is if you happened to meet someone right at the exact time they decided to make a huge life change and become a different person. I.e. you're the 'white knight'. What are the chances? Unlikely.

[Luna Sea]

I also agree that a person's character dictates their actions. However, some people do change somewhere down the road. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing if they really changed for good. So like I said to another poster, you can choose to keep distrusting him until he gets fed up and leaves you; or you can choose to trust him until he does do something. In the first case you're miserable through and through, in the second case you were at least happy while the relationship lasted. And there's also the chance that he really has changed, then it's happy ending for both of you.

 

I'm oversimplifying things, but you get the idea.

[Mauxly]

If you think up to five hook UPS a day with random strangers that he met off the internet is normal, then we simply disagree. I think that is extreme. But to each his own.

[Unreasonable]

Yes, people can change.

 

They can change due to maturity, life-experiences, and circumstances.

 

I do, however, believe that some people have a tendency to revert to bad behavior when circumstances return to previous states (i.e. they cheat when they are unhappy with the marriage).

 

I doubt he is going to go back to college again so that's probably not going to be an issue. I would never marry a very sexually promiscuous person, but that's just me.

[savignon]

The only time I can see this ever being true is if you happened to meet someone right at the exact time they decided to make a huge life change and become a different person. I.e. you're the 'white knight'. What are the chances? Unlikely.

 

I have to clarify....yes, past behaviors usually predict future behaviors. What I should have said was that since these behaviors aren't cheating or betraying anyone, his behaviors do not indicate that he'll continue hooking up with people while in a relationship. I was thinking of myself when I wrote that and thinking that while I had a lot of sex while single and met people online, that doesn't predict that I'll be out meeting other guys online or hooking up with guys while I'm married.

I can see that I wasn't really clear.

All of this has taken a few new turns since I last read this thread....Hmmm...

[TouchNastY]

If someone is single and goes through the football team, you can accept it and deal, or don't and leave.

Course I can. That doesn't change the fact that they may then go through the basketball, baseball, lacrosse, track, and swim teams.

 

That it is my prerogative to accept or leave doesn't change the concept of adaptive expectations (past behavior being indicative of future). The discussion is whether past is indicative of future, not whose choice it is to do what when.

 

 

You cannot blame people for choices they made before you were ever around, its completely ridiculous, ESPECIALLY when they have given you absolutely no indication that said behavior is happening now.

People's choices are their choices, and they're a manifestation of how they operate. This sounds very reactionary, and is not germane to the concept of adaptive expectations.

 

I don't understand the latter part; simply because something does not empirically present itself to you does not mean that it's not there...which is why the concept of adaptive expectations is used: one can't always observe or determine a phenomenon in the present, so one looks to the past to garner an assessment [gathering information isn't "judging;" too bad to all those people who cry "don't judge me!"] of what to expect, with findings (already occurred) coloring expectations (yet to occur). Past a point, something becomes statistically significant - while that threshold is rather arbitrary, most people recognize it when confronted (i.e. backing into a pole once [accident], versus backing into five poles fives times [bad driver] {not to mention the lack of learning from the first experience...}).

[Take Coke bottles: not all "12 oz." are filled to 12 ounces...there is natural variation, with some being 11.8 oz., 12.1 oz., etc. Finding several bottles filled below a certain point [based on standard deviation], say, 11 oz., is statistically significant, and is no longer systemic variation. As well, bottles filled to 13 oz. would be statistically significant, though I don't think customers would complain {not to mention, it wouldn't fit in the bottle}]

 

Also realize that someone with vices to hide would put-on good behavior.

So. Yeah. You won't see it if it's not there, and you won't see it even if it is.